LDR and sex

[Miramaid]

Thank you Sierra!
He was happy that I came. And the whole week was fine. I have no idea why he did not want to have sex, but it hurts and I feel rejected.

I do not know if and how we will talk because I am terrified to talk to him and may be find out that there is someone else or hear something like "I was just tired" because I think sex is a great way to relief stress for one and to connect on an emotional level with your SO...So it hurts that he did not feel like having that connection with me.
I may not have handled it like a champ because I cried and i was very irritated, but he did not even try to make me feel better (vise versa)

[LadyMarchHare]

I have no idea what he could possible be annoyed at me about because I seriously think I was a perfect GF that week. We did not argue or anything, i made his bed, did the dishes, cooked for him and studied with him. I do not know what he could be annoyed at. I really do not know how to have a talk with him. We haven't talked since I left. I am afraid to contact him first because of many reasons: i always do, and because what if he really does have someone else and that is the reason why he did not want sex with me? Because I am afraid i really am not attractive to him any more and that he doesn't love me any more. Because I am afraid it is over. And i am afraid to call or text him first.
I also think he handled the situation very poorly and it hurts me too and yes I still feel rejected.
I was looking at how his text messages to me used to be: every word was "love" and they were so sweet. It has been gone for quite a while now. I am afraid it is just all gone and he has no balls to tell me that he is done. On the other side, he was excited that i came and he does say he loves me and the week was fine. I am VERY confused. And we NEVER had any problems with sex even if he was tired. So i really wonder if he has someone else...

I personally think you're overreacting by assuming that because he didn't want you naked and beneath him all during the visit that he has a piece on the side. You mentioned he was busy, he had stuff to do, you showed up probably before he was ready for you. If he's stressed out, doesn't matter what stressed him out, chances are if you're the nearest thing you're automatically in the line of fire.

Sitting on your butt and feeling any brand of self-pity is not going to fix this situation. He's not going to have some sort of Spidey-sense that tells him you're upset and having a moment of low self esteem that he needs to pick up the phone and call you and set the record straight. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but it's true. The longer you sit and do nothing the worse you're going to feel and the more your brain is going to feed you BS about him cheating or you being unattractive or anything else. Who cares who usually contacts who? You have a problem, he's the one that can solve it. You don't even have to start a full conversation, just tell him you need to talk to him about something important and then let him contact you back to initiate the conversation. Just don't accuse him of screwing someone behind your back, because he'll jump on the defense and nothing will get resolved. Just tell him how you felt being denied sex, that you feel some spark has left the relationship because things aren't the way they used to be, and you need to be reassured that he still finds you attractive and still loves you.

Just because someone says 'no' to sex does not mean they'd rather fuck someone else. 'No' doesn't mean 'not with you', it means 'no'.

[Sierra]

Thank you Sierra!
He was happy that I came. And the whole week was fine. I have no idea why he did not want to have sex, but it hurts and I feel rejected.

I do not know if and how we will talk because I am terrified to talk to him and may be find out that there is someone else or hear something like "I was just tired" because I think sex is a great way to relief stress for one and to connect on an emotional level with your SO...So it hurts that he did not feel like having that connection with me.
I may not have handled it like a champ because I cried and i was very irritated, but he did not even try to make me feel better (vise versa)

I think, that as women, we are taught that men want to have sex all the time, no matter what. But this isn't the truth. When they get stressed, depressed or whatever, their sex drive can drop too.

I think your feelings of rejection are normal, but that your fear that he's found someone else is probably unfounded. Sometimes you have to accept that sex isn't in the picture at the very moment and realize that there are other forms of affection as well. Why not just say, I understand if you were too tired or stressed to have sex while I was there, but I'm scared that you've found someone else and that's why you didn't want to have sex. That way he understand how YOU feel about the situation while YOU acknowledge what may have been keeping him from wanting to have sex in the first place. Ask him why he didn't comfort you and tell him how it made you feel ... this is how relationships become stronger - through effective communication.

[Miramaid]

To be honest I am afraid to talk to him and open up. HE is not the best communicator and usually blows up and becomes emotional or shuts down. And my other fears are still there and I am afraid that he would not tell me the truth if there was somebody else.
I do not know what to do (if anything)

[LadyMarchHare]

To be honest I am afraid to talk to him and open up. HE is not the best communicator and usually blows up and becomes emotional or shuts down. And my other fears are still there and I am afraid that he would not tell me the truth if there was somebody else.
I do not know what to do (if anything)

Well it's either be afraid of the what-if's or be afraid of what is actually happening. Dunno about you, but what-if's are a heck of a lot scarier than the reality. If he honestly can't effectively communicate when there is a bad situation or you need some reassurance, how do you expect to get through the relationship? Yes there is a chance he'd lie to you about seeing someone else, but you have to trust him. If you can't trust him and he hasn't given you a valid reason to trust him, then you probably shouldn't be with him. Paranoia hurts relationships. Lying hurts relationships. That's why the factor of trust is emphasized so much, it's one of the key things you need to function along with communication. If you don't have either, you're pretty much in a headache, not a relationship.

[Zephii]

I gave up reading the replies about half way through, so if I'm off-base or something that might be why.

Anywhoo, here's my take on it. Sex is a big deal, for both men and women, but there are different reasons for each. Women have a lot of issues with their bodies. If he doesn't want sex we're all like "OMG it's because I ate that chocolate cake!!" (I do this too ) but the reality is often it's nothing to do with us. Nor does it necessarily mean he's having sex somewhere else. Sometimes if a guy is cheating he actually wants more sex with his partner not less, so it's not something you can generalise with.
Now, fellers have a shit-tone of performance pressures that we chicks don't get. If he's really tired or stressed, or can't focus on the task at hand, his little buddy is going to display that quite clearly - which is humiliating for him, and will also make you think you're fat and disinteresting. Even if he doesn't have a problem with the little guy looking up, he might feel that he's just not up to it, that he cant do a good job, so why try. He doesn't want you to think he's a bad lover, sometimes it just seems like a better option not to try.

And obviously it's a touchy subject. But sometimes he might just not want to. Stress will do that. Now with chicks, we don't have to want to, we can just go through the motions and hope our bodies wake up and start having fun at some point. Doesn't work like that for blokes because their bodies don't allow for that. There's lots of times my SO will accept a BJ "without strings" (our code word for "don't expect sex") because he's lazy or tired. BJ are in a space all of their own. I know all couples are different, but I think it's safe to say that the majority of the time with sex the guy is doing the bulk of the work. And sometimes? People just forget how much they like it, how worth it the effort will be if they just try.

This isn't the most coherant post I've ever made and I'm sorry about that. The gist of what I'm saying is this:
1 He could be just tired and a little lazy
2 It might have nothing to do with you, don't jump to conclusions
3 If you nag he'll be even less inclined to put the effort in

Honestly I wouldnt withhold the BJs because that doesn't get you anywhere. All it does is bring less physical intimacy into the relationship which is the opposite of what you're going for. Maybe next time he says "I'm tired" say "I'll do all the work, you lay there"? See if it gets you anywhere. Find a solution. Offer other options. Set your alarm half an hour early and pounce him as he wakes up. Think of a plan b, you know?

Give it some time, wait til the pressure eases off him a little bit, and then if you still have this issue push for answers. No reason to panic just yet.

[Miramaid]

1 He could be just tired and a little lazy
2 It might have nothing to do with you, don't jump to conclusions
3 If you nag he'll be even less inclined to put the effort in

Honestly I wouldnt withhold the BJs because that doesn't get you anywhere. All it does is bring less physical intimacy into the relationship which is the opposite of what you're going for. Maybe next time he says "I'm tired" say "I'll do all the work, you lay there"? See if it gets you anywhere. Find a solution. Offer other options. Set your alarm half an hour early and pounce him as he wakes up. Think of a plan b, you know?

Give it some time, wait til the pressure eases off him a little bit, and then if you still have this issue push for answers. No reason to panic just yet.

That is exactly what i did about BJs. I did it and told him that he did not have to do anything. But then I am sorry, but I too have needs for one and for two there is no way I can wrap it in my mind how if he really loves me and all and he only sees me once a month at the most he could NOT WANT IT??? And why is it that after one year of a relationship most of which was LD i ALREADY have to be creative and seduce him and all? Not that I mind, but really makes me think that couples usually face issues like that after years of being together and living together every day. So makes me wonder what it will be like after years or if we live together? WE will not have sex at all? We both are young and it NEVER happened before EVER. No matter how tired and stressed he ever was.

We haven't talked since Saturday. I don't know, but my guy friends tell me to move on and tell me that he either has someone else or he doesn't love me that is why he did not want to have sex with me

[Micah]

I agree with Zephii about the pressure men have to perform and how if they are tired or stressed, it affects their sex drive. I deal with this sometimes with my SO. I find that if I visit him on days when he is at work, there are times where he just wants to cuddle and not have sex because of stresses at work tired him out. Not every time, but sometimes. On days where he has nothing going on, or we're on vacation together with all the time in the world to relax and have fun, he's the exact opposite. But anyway... it just proves that stress and tiredness are common excuses for no sex. We all deal with our stress in different ways. Personally, I find sex to be a stress reliever and it makes me sleep better, but to each their own! Regardless, I am sorry that you are feeling unwanted and taking it personally. I think the best thing to do is to revisit the topic and approach it calmly with your SO. Tell him how it made you feel and what your needs are. Do not be accusatory because that will put him on the defense. Maybe he is waiting for you to contact him. If the lack of sex has never happened before, then perhaps this was just an exception to the way your relationship normally is and it won't turn into a pattern. I think the only way you are going to get answers is by talking to him and expressing how you feel. I hope you get the answers you deserve.

[Miramaid]

I called him and asked to talk tonight. He said "I will TRY to call"
His friend thinks that he is pulling away and that it is too much to handle for him and he is not handling the pressures of life well.
I am seriously scared to talk to him. I actually don't know what to say to him and it really feels like for him it is all over between us. It just feels that way. I don't know what to say to him and i am afraid to again ask him the questions that i have been asking him but never got the answers (if he wants to be with me, why he wants to be with me despite all the obstacles he will have to face and if he is actually ready for those obstacles)
Any advice on how to have this conversation about sex and about what is going on between us and if we are still together or not, are appreciated. I really an afraid to talk but i need to

[Miramaid]

I called him and asked to talk tonight. He said "I will TRY to call"
His friend thinks that he is pulling away and that it is too much to handle for him and he is not handling the pressures of life well.
I am seriously scared to talk to him. I actually don't know what to say to him and it really feels like for him it is all over between us. It just feels that way. I don't know what to say to him and i am afraid to again ask him the questions that i have been asking him but never got the answers (if he wants to be with me, why he wants to be with me despite all the obstacles he will have to face and if he is actually ready for those obstacles)
Any advice on how to have this conversation about sex and about what is going on between us and if we are still together or not, are appreciated. I really an afraid to talk but i need to