So, he seems not to feel the same way. At a loss of what to do.

[Crimson_Petal]

This is the third thread I've started about a similar theme. So, about two and a half weeks ago I told him I loved him for the first time. He was shocked, seemed fine, told me he'd be back after work and then...disappeared. I waited a couple of days and emailed him to see that he was ok. He said that he was fine, hoped I was doing ok. He'd moved (I thought that was why we were lacking contact) and that he'd talk to me soon. SO I calmed down for a bit. A week later, and nothing. So I emailed him again, this time making it clear that this behaviour was upsetting me incredibly and I would just like to know that he and I were ok and that he was going to come back soon. Again, he replied saying 'Hey im doing alot of thinking about you ok. Yeah we are ok =). I'm still going through some shit with my ex again. I'll be home in the weekend. Sometimes I stay away from the computer because I know it is best option at the moment. Trust me I know how you feel ok. I care for you very much ok.'
SO, I calmed down AGAIN, thinking that he'd talk to me at the weekend...Weekend came and went and nothing.
A week to the day after I received his reply I'd still heard nothing. So, I sent him the third email. I told him that I wanted an update, he either needed to tell me to leave him alone or to give me a time frame for when we could talk. I said that although he says all the time he cares about me I was NOT feeling cared about at all and that even if he knew that, why was he prolonging my upset? And today I received his reply;
'I'm trying to avoid you so I don't lead you on. I know that feeling that you don't feel cared about ok, I really do. I know exactly what I'm doing. I DO care about you ok! I will be online in the weekend. I know it makes you go crazy I've been there ok.'
So yeah, I am at a complete loss for what to do, say...anything. I feel like crap, I'm confused and have no idea how he's made this shift from having such strong feelings for me to not wanting to 'lead me on'.
Any advice please? Before I eat my own body weight of chocolate and cheese sandwiches.

[Micah]

The only advice I have is to continue to give him space. Just give him space and time. I know it is hard, but that is what it sounds like he needs. Wait until he contacts you. Sorry you are going through this.

[jlb14]

I understand the eating of food! It sounds like he isn't sure what he wants but he doesn't want to lose you. He wants to keep you close enough until he decides. That isn't fair to you! Without thinking too much and going with your gut what do you think should happen?

[Crimson_Petal]

Thanks Micah. I'm trying to keep myself busy so that I don't go COMPLETELY insane. I don't know, I just have difficulty believing his 'I'm not trying to lead you on' thing. We've been talking for months now and has always been very open about his feelings for me so it just seems like I said I love you and it all became too real and the distance and the problems therein became a genuine issue, rather than just an annoying potential issue. I do hope that he contacts me again soon. Everyone's saying that I should just be angry at him and 'forget him' but the reason I'm really upset and angry is because I miss him and don't feel there's much I can do.

[Mara]

I didn't realize this all started when you told him you loved him. Maybe he is afraid of leading you on because he doesn't love you yet and is worried about hurting you? I agree with everyone else that he does sound like he needs space and if I were you, I'd just wait on him to contact you, but I don't feel any of this is fair to you and I'm not quite sure how you should precede. How long have the two of you been together? Do you feel he is wavering between you and the ex?

[Crimson_Petal]

Without thinking too much and going with your gut what do you think should happen?

Even though I'm upset by his behaviour I still want to meet him and would like it to work.

[Crimson_Petal]

I didn't realize this all started when you told him you loved him. Maybe he is afraid of leading you on because he doesn't love you yet and is worried about hurting you? I agree with everyone else that he does sound like he needs space and if I were you, I'd just wait on him to contact you, but I don't feel any of this is fair to you and I'm not quite sure how you should precede. How long have the two of you been together? Do you feel he is wavering between you and the ex?

It's been four months since we first started talking seriously, but 6 since we met online. We actually met on a forum because we were both having difficulty getting over our exes. He certainly helped me get over my ex and from the way he was behaving I thought he was getting over her. As far as I know they're not actually in contact any more (haven't been for about 7 months) and I do think that it's actually more him having shit with how damaged he was after she broke up with him.
I think there are probably two main reasons for this issue (I could be wrong but just from what I know of him and relationships) 1) that his ex was horrible to him and it's taken him 18 months to be anywhere near open to a relationship and 2) the person he starts having feelings for is 12 thousand miles away.
Maybe I'm just more ready to potentially get hurt again then he is. I wouldn't like it but I at least want to try.

[Mara]

I hope he's willing to try as well. When he said the two of you would talk the weekend, did he mean this weekend or next? Either way, I think all you can do now is give him the space he has asked for and try to keep busy.

[Crimson_Petal]

I hope he's willing to try as well. When he said the two of you would talk the weekend, did he mean this weekend or next? Either way, I think all you can do now is give him the space he has asked for and try to keep busy.

Well, I received it this morning so when he said he'd be online at the weekend I'm assuming he meant this weekend. If it's next weekend, that will just suck...I am going to just try and give him the room to get his head together. Just have to wait and see. Really need to work on how to be more patient...

[uniquefem]

hummm so sorry you have to deal with this "foggy" area. I've been there when i said and pored so much attention and love and i thought it will be good since i was learning from my previous relationship that my ex say that idont care about him... so yah.. he simply address me as "a friend" and it broke my heart. Especially because its only few weeks from the time im about to visit him.

I try to cope with that, and get busy, also don't get my hope up high. I also open my eyes and heart, try to put my self as a "friend" as he address me, until the day we met. When we met, its all gone, no friend things as he hug and kiss me at the train station.

I agree that you will need loads more patience. Sometimes its good to think about the worse first, but hey you got to live too, try to relax and not to think about him as much as before. Before you met him online you could live your life and laugh and be happy, try to do do until you met him in person again! (this is what i put in mind)

If he meant for you, he will be there as he said if hes not.. well thats why i said be happy and open your eyes and heart!

[Silviar]

It sounds like you're doing what's best for now - respecting his space, but the eating thing - honey, don't let yourself go just because you're stressed. Get out with some friends or family, pamper yourself - if that means rockclimbing, or getting your nails done, a massage, enjoying a frozen Coke, whatever - do some stuff you really enjoy out in the world, and go for it.

Some people can care for one another but not handle the reality of their situation. Distance is one of those things where it's either a number and just another obstacle that's handled, or something people cannot mentally fathom handling. I think you need to be prepared to have an adult conversation about each other's wants and needs, and where the relationship is heading, because if you don't both see eye to eye on where the relationship is going, it's going to be a very rough time indeed. *hugs*

P.S. Light chocolate soy milk plus one frozen banana equals and amazing chocolatey treat that fills you up.

[Engel]

This is the third thread I've started about a similar theme. So, about two and a half weeks ago I told him I loved him for the first time. He was shocked, seemed fine, told me he'd be back after work and then...disappeared. I waited a couple of days and emailed him to see that he was ok. He said that he was fine, hoped I was doing ok. He'd moved (I thought that was why we were lacking contact) and that he'd talk to me soon. SO I calmed down for a bit. A week later, and nothing. So I emailed him again, this time making it clear that this behaviour was upsetting me incredibly and I would just like to know that he and I were ok and that he was going to come back soon. Again, he replied saying 'Hey im doing alot of thinking about you ok. Yeah we are ok =). I'm still going through some shit with my ex again. I'll be home in the weekend. Sometimes I stay away from the computer because I know it is best option at the moment. Trust me I know how you feel ok. I care for you very much ok.'
SO, I calmed down AGAIN, thinking that he'd talk to me at the weekend...Weekend came and went and nothing.
A week to the day after I received his reply I'd still heard nothing. So, I sent him the third email. I told him that I wanted an update, he either needed to tell me to leave him alone or to give me a time frame for when we could talk. I said that although he says all the time he cares about me I was NOT feeling cared about at all and that even if he knew that, why was he prolonging my upset? And today I received his reply;
'I'm trying to avoid you so I don't lead you on. I know that feeling that you don't feel cared about ok, I really do. I know exactly what I'm doing. I DO care about you ok! I will be online in the weekend. I know it makes you go crazy I've been there ok.'
So yeah, I am at a complete loss for what to do, say...anything. I feel like crap, I'm confused and have no idea how he's made this shift from having such strong feelings for me to not wanting to 'lead me on'.
Any advice please? Before I eat my own body weight of chocolate and cheese sandwiches.

i dont know how to explain why, but i see red flags all over his replies. hope im wrong and it all gets better.

[BabyKirsty]

He isn't being fair to you. You don't want a part-time lover. You want someone who is going to be there for you. Tell him to either make his move or GTFO.

[CloseToMyHeart]

i dont know how to explain why, but i see red flags all over his replies. hope im wrong and it all gets better.

I do not want to be negative, but this is EXACTLY the type of situation I just went through only by text not email. As soon as HE admitted he cared for me (not me telling him), he vanished....

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I want the hurt to start now, and go away faster then if I was in even deeper. I dont want to tell you what to do based on what I did (I told him goodbye today so not to be strung alone anymore since it wasn't fair to me).... HOWEVER please do some serious "gut" searching and listen to your gut!! I didn't and I wish I would have ..... would have been easier to say goodbye after only meeting once rather then after spending a week together.

Good luck!!!

[Rugger]

Sweetie, I would do just what you are doing. Give him his space and let him come to you. Until then, try and keep your mind off it and keep busy. Enlist your friends to help keep your mind off of him.