Is this Situation Normal?

[Justinian]

We met over four years ago on another online site, and things picked up between us pretty fast. I live in Canada, and she lives in Finland. We're the same age minus a month, so that was never an issue. We started dating in a LDR about a year or so after we started interacting, and we hit it off really good at first, but then, about eight months in, she called it off, because neither of us had any support really from friends or family in our relationship, and the pressure got to her.

After that, I was pretty devastated, so things were pretty up and down between us for the next few months, but eventually, things became stable between us. From there we continued to talk and stuff, and our love for eachother actually grew. Today, her and I still love eachother, and we both know that we do...but...we're not in a relationship. We both talked about it in the past, alot, and pretty much agreed that right now, LDR's are too hard, since we can't actually meet up and see eachother, and thus agreed to look for more 'local' relationships. She's been with a few guys briefly since our breakup, I haven't, but not from lack of trying, yet here we are, dancing around one another. Saying we still love eachother, and miss eachother, and still making eachother happy beyond description. Infact I got a message from her just the other day that begins with...

"ImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImiss youI missyouImissyou
ImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouIm issyouImissyouImiss
youImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyo uImissyouImissyouImissyou
ImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouIm issyouImissyouImissyouImiss
......
Was that enough? ;P Yeah, I dont say that often enough, especially since you seem to be the only one nowdays who is able to bring a real smile on my face."

Due to both life and time zones, it's hard for us to get together and IM eachother or anything these days, especially on her end cause she doesn't get many breaks. Yet despite this, we both email eachother when we can, we've done the voice chat and video chats (though not for awhile) and while we haven't had a chance to try it yet, I got her a phone card so she can call me on the phone now and talk to me that way. We've also started sending handwritten letters to eachother, and gifts with them. I've only sent out two letters so far, and only recieved one but, in it I got a bunch of handmade stuff from her. Not exactly a 'friend' type of gift, as they were a necklance and two braceletes, all handmade by her.

Anyway, point of this rant is, I'm just wondering what others think of this situation I have with this girl? Is it common in LDR's, or is it just her and I's own personal romance drama we've created. If this is a bad situation, I'm wondering what people think I should do about it, cause, my logic and emotions are kinda conflicted on this issue. I'm asking here because wanted some opinions from people who have been in LDR's themselves, instead of mr RL friends who haven't been, so, yeah, thoughts and opinions would be nice.

So please, thoughts and advice (if thought to be needed) would be great. Thank you very much.

[Sierra]

I'm kind of confused about what your question here is, from the sounds of it, you're not involved in an LDR right now or did you decide to rekindle that? It sounds like she misses you and wants to be with you and you guys are making a really good effort at communication which I think is normal. There isn't much that is normal about an LDR relationship, we all have to make them work within the confines of what we're giving so everyone's situation is different, so do I think your lack of abundant communication is abnormal? No.

My only advice is, if you can't meet his person, don't become involved with a LDR, that might sound harsh but meeting is the only way to bring the relationship into the real world, sometimes it takes an extended period of time to meet, which is also fine if it works for you, but I strongly believe that you have to be able to meet to make an LDR work.

[Justinian]

Sorry, I'll try to be more clear. We aren't officially in a LDR anymore cause she says she can't handle the stress, yet everytime we talk and stuff we say we love eachother and share thoughts and talk and laugh and have...well, very 'couple like' conversations. We also started writing love letters to eachother and sending personal gifts to one another. But despite this, we arn't officially in a relationship together, and tell eachother we're looking for more near by people to date. I feel like her and I are in this weird...middle, situation, almost like a 'friends with (emotional) benefits' LDR in a sense, and I'm wondering if this is common or not for people with Long Distance crushes/lovers.

[rhinouncle9]

Sounds to me like you're in a LDR without recognizing it as an LDR. I think you both should discuss what you want of the relationship. Is she just looking for a friend to lean on, or something more serious? Yes, LDRs are a ton of work, but it sounds like you both are pretty good about communicating and sending gifts. I can understand her point about seeing local people, at least for the physical aspect, but it is unfair to both of you to exchange love letters and gifts if it really isn't a romantic relationship. She could just be confiding in you for the emotional aspect, which isn't right, especially if she is dating other guys locally. I'm not passing judgement, just saying how I see it. My advice is talk to each other, preferably over video chat, and discuss what you both want out of the relationship. It is better to know now than keeping wondering what's going on.

[kaitycat]

I don't think this sounds like a healthy situation. It might be fine now, because you still are telling each other you care about each other, communicating and whatnot. But what happens when one of you meets someone else? The other party is going to be in a world of heartache. I think you either need to commit to some sort of relationship or cut contact. This doesn't mean you have to commit to a "typical" relationship. It could be an open relationship where you both agree to see other people-- you just need to have some sort of serious conversation about the parameters of your relationship. You're either dating, or you're not. I don't think it's healthy to tell someone you love them on a regular basis otherwise.A relationship doesn't exist on love alone, both people need to be committed to make it work. If one or both of you knows for sure that you're not ready to commit to an LDR any time soon, it may be time to walk away.

[Moon]

There's a rather rude expression that defines your relationship, "Shit, or get off the pot". Sorry bout the language, but I think that kinda sums it up In other words, either be in an LDR or stop talking to each other in such a relationship type of manner, because no good can come out of it and it'll prevent you both from moving on, if that's what you decide. Why can't you visit, are you still kids in school? You don't mention your ages, which in an international LDR is significant in that if you're very young, you may not be able to sustain the relationship for the years it'll take to see one another, and it may not be worth it to you at that point. If you're a little older, and finishing up university, you might only have a year or two to wait, which isn't so bad.

It's not cheap to visit Finland, I know, because my boyfriend is Finnish It is doable though, I go three or four times a year, but I'm a little older and am already established in a career. If you're old enough, once a year, off-season, isn't as expensive as you'd think.

So yeah, you need to decide your status and if she doesn't want an LDR, then you need to move on and avoid speaking so often, love letters, gifts, and using relationship language. I know it's hard, and confusing, but I think you two need to have a serious discussion about exactly what you're doing. Good luck, and welcome to LFAD!

[Riyko]

I agree with what everyone else said and since you are in Canada, i do see good round trip deals to Finland on Westjet (about 2 weeks ago they had a deal $595 round trip to finland, that's not bad).

[Moon]

@Riyko - Do you know out of which city in Canada that was? It might be cheaper for me to fly there first, then to Finland. Sorry for the hijack, now back to your regularly scheduled program

[Riyko]

@moon: they had one from Toronto and the other from Montreal

[Justinian]

We're both 20. Sorry, I thought I mentioned that, and yeah we are both in school, and while I'm not fully sure of her finiancial situation, my cash pretty much has to go to university (though I am trying my best to set alittle money aside every pay for a 'finland fund'. Up to $750 right now. ^^). But yeah, I know I should talk to her about it. Any advice for when I can/do?

[ClipitsWings]

Sounds like me! Ceptwe never said we had a relationship despite all the love, gifts, talking etc. I thought it seemed like a weird conversation too, being so in love without any sort of label for it. I've known my boy for three years, and he's had two girlfriends since I've liked him; I've had opportunities and he's confirmed that he'd still act the same towards me. We're both flatbroke and currently "single". I think it's manageable this way, and if it doesn't work out aftermeeting it'll be easier to deal with. Most people probably disagree with me >> but it works for me. It really depends on how you two feel about it; if saying it was a real LDR bothers her, maybe she'll just get frustrated by wht people say about it and quit again. But if the idea of her getting in a cd relationship bothers you too much, you could talk to her. I'm not one for rocking the boat, so be careful and don't get hurt; clearly she loves you. Sometimes it just hurts to face all the shame friends/families put onto it.

[brazil]

My partner and I also don't have lables, but we have the "being exclusive" set and clear for the both of us. Except we're not loyal to each other, but to ourselves and our own feelings. We respect our heart's decision and we're not setting for any less now that we know there IS someone that's just right and ready to be with us.

So, sounds to me like you didn't even try enough to find someone. It's like when you have someone that fills all (or most, in a LDR anyway) your needs, everyone else seems like a waste of energy.

[Tanja]

Hello and welcome to LFAD! I'm from Finland and my SO is Welsh

You guys really need to clear things between you. If you're in love with one another it's not healthy to keep talking and acting all romantic if you have no intention to start a relationship. One of you will find someone else and there will be hearts broken which isn't good for anyone.

Nevertheless, you've come to a LDR forum, where the distance and the years apart will not matter to us who are/have been in a LDR. If you're asking US if you guys could ever work, the answer is most definitely YES! It can and it will work and it can be the most wonderful thing you've ever experienced.

Moving on to the buts

It's HARD man. It really is. Being thousands of miles away from the person you love, without being able to comfort them when they need it or touch them or even see/hear them can be devastating. It will rip you apart at times, you will cry and be depressed and pretty much in my experience it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I would go through it all again if I had to because it was worth it. The visits to see each other, the anticipation when you've missed someone day in day out for months and are about to see them again... I can't even describe it. Every text or email I got made my day and everytime I talked with him I was so happy. I would definitely recommend being in a LDR BUT it's not for everyone. It takes strength, patience, more patience and a huge amount of love to work. If both parties commit to it and make an effort, don't give up on each other and stick together through the good times and bad, there's nothing quite like it.

I didn't really see any reason why your relationship couldn't work, except that she doesn't wanna do it cause of pressure from friends and family... Is that the only reason?
You could ask her to join this forum and talk to us for a bit because there ARE places where you can get support and help, like LFAD. I would say at least half of the members on here are struggling with that same problem; parents don't approve of LDR. But that doesn't mean you can't give it a go. If you really love each other (and you're already saving money to visit her?) then you should at least give this a chance.

That's my opinion

[Justinian]

Hello and welcome to LFAD! I'm from Finland and my SO is Welsh

You guys really need to clear things between you. If you're in love with one another it's not healthy to keep talking and acting all romantic if you have no intention to start a relationship. One of you will find someone else and there will be hearts broken which isn't good for anyone.

Nevertheless, you've come to a LDR forum, where the distance and the years apart will not matter to us who are/have been in a LDR. If you're asking US if you guys could ever work, the answer is most definitely YES! It can and it will work and it can be the most wonderful thing you've ever experienced.

Moving on to the buts

It's HARD man. It really is. Being thousands of miles away from the person you love, without being able to comfort them when they need it or touch them or even see/hear them can be devastating. It will rip you apart at times, you will cry and be depressed and pretty much in my experience it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I would go through it all again if I had to because it was worth it. The visits to see each other, the anticipation when you've missed someone day in day out for months and are about to see them again... I can't even describe it. Every text or email I got made my day and everytime I talked with him I was so happy. I would definitely recommend being in a LDR BUT it's not for everyone. It takes strength, patience, more patience and a huge amount of love to work. If both parties commit to it and make an effort, don't give up on each other and stick together through the good times and bad, there's nothing quite like it.

I didn't really see any reason why your relationship couldn't work, except that she doesn't wanna do it cause of pressure from friends and family... Is that the only reason?
You could ask her to join this forum and talk to us for a bit because there ARE places where you can get support and help, like LFAD. I would say at least half of the members on here are struggling with that same problem; parents don't approve of LDR. But that doesn't mean you can't give it a go. If you really love each other (and you're already saving money to visit her?) then you should at least give this a chance.

That's my opinion

Thanks everyone, especisally you Tanja. I know I need to clear thing up with her. While some people (including some who have offered some nice advice here) are OK without having serious labels, I personally do think they're important. I mean, it's kinda....bad to start dating other girls and when they ask "are you single" for me to say "Well yes, but I have a love interest who lives in Finland right now. I'm just not dating her officially cause of inconvience and lack of support issues." I'm trying to think of the best way to start a talk like this though. I've tried many times in the past, and she's very evasive about this kind of thing (not a good sign, I know), so I need to think of a method that she can't just ignore or try to escape easily....

And yeah, lack of support is the biggest issue, as well as money for going out and seeing eachother. I may have to empty my Finland account due to school reasons soon. T.T, but it is possible there's more to it on her end, I mean again, she is evasive sometimes about serious talks, so it is possible that she herself isn't fully comfterable with LDR's, but I'll just have to find that out won't I?

Also, I'll mention this site to her when we do talk, if things go that way. I think she'd like it alot here, especially if we do decide to try getting back together again.

[ClipitsWings]

You know, just because your not directly calling it a relationship, doesn't mean it's NOT a romantic relationship. Not saying it doesn't mean you have to go date other people, you or her. I tell people I'm emotionally unavailable. You could ask her to wait for you, sure. You couldpush the label on her. You say the label means alot to you, it's your choice. However, did you say if you've met yet irl? I ask because in that situation, people can be especially relentlessly cruel about LDRs; you can see it all over this forum in stories and whatnot. I can understand her completely for her not wanting to face that. I don't think it's cruel to love withoutconstantly calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend, it's how you feel about it, and it's only temporary anyway. If it really truly bothers you, you can ask her to be your exclusive public girlfriend, absolutely, but some degree of flexibility might be necessary as far as if she has to broadcast that you are "dating" perhaps? She has feelings too. Whatever happens, good luck; I don't want to see a repeat story of your "breakup."