Phone Calls...too much?

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Well maybe this belongs in RambleOn and as a rant. Do you expect more phone calls or conversation time than you get?

Its my Spring Break. The kiddies are in school so I'll still be teaching and what not, but not tomorrow. So I've had a few drinks. So maybe I'm getting more upset over this than a should. BUT...

We just had a really bad week a few weeks back. I was just emotional, stressed, and missing him more than ever. He was having one of those off weeks where he didn't message me as much or call as much. Which made for just a terrible week for me. But it got better. I wasn't so emotional, he realized his phone calls/texts were very important to me and he put a little more effort into it.

Well today. Easter. We got baskets. Mom even got him a chocolate bunny and stuff. My gift was a few of my fave chocolate candies and a metal pot. WHY a metal pot!? Not because I really wanted one or needed one.....no I would have much rathered clothes or money, but a pot so I can cook for him. I tried to cook rice and gravy (very common in South Louisiana), but he did not have the correct pot to cook it in. So it's more of a gift for me and him!

But I digress. Well 1) he went out last night and never called or texted to say he was back home. Considering he was the DD and supposedly not drinking this made me very worried. 2) when he finally answered he didn't talk much................BECAUSE HIS THROAT WAS DRY. Really?! What kind of lame excuse is that to not talk?! 3) He said he would call me later and webcam with me. I was missing him and wanted to see him and wanted to show him his gift and "our gift."

Well finally at a quarter to 11 I texted him and asked what he was doing. His repsonse "partying" REALLY?! Seriously?! WTF is wrong with you? No calls or texts AT ALL....ALL DAY since about 10am when you said you'd call me later.....why not?! bc you've been busy and are partying? Really?! idk what his problem is but he's just been really slacking lately. He's never been just so unthoughtful before. He's always been great about calling me and even (greatfully) texting me randomly throughout the day.

Well when I told him that I was assuming he would call before 11 and for that matter before 10 he quickly called me. He said "it's before 11" so my response was, unenthusiastically, "congratulations. 6 minutes before 11" We didn't even talk a full minute because he was talking to all the people at his house. He asked why I didn't say anything sooner about webcamming. REALLY!? I did. Last night when I texted and told you the whole family would like to webcam and give you your gift. [and[/U] this morning when you agreeded to webcam.

I'm pretty upset with him considering we have barely talked ll weekend. Maybe I'm just expecting a higher level of communication, more time to talk, etc than he is. Do any of you experience this?! Do you expect to talk to your SO earlier than they call, for a longer period of time, more often, and they just don't seem to think anything of it!?

[agentholli]

Yeah, I do expect more. As I type this, I am sitting here waiting for him to call me. He has been at his friends house and supposedly was on his way home. He told me earlier today that we will be talking before he goes to bed tonight...but its 12:30 pm his time..which means when we do talk, it won't be for long and I have had the WORSE day. I have been feeling the distance so much today. And I really, really want/need to talk to him. Who knows when he will call....its frustrating FOR SURE!

[lunamea]

Yeah, still happens to me, too, even though it's gotten better. Last semester, my husband would even go so far as to ask if talking everyday was really necessary and I basically jumped his throat at that. After fighting about this many times, we finally talked calmly about our expectations and we kinda found a compromise. He has come to understand that I want some kind of contact every day, even if we're busy/tired etc. I agreed that I won't nag and presuppose that he doesn't want to talk if the conversation is kinda blah, if one of us is tired or in a bad mood etc.

I'm still hurt when I think that it doesn't bother my hubby at all if we don't get to talk for a day. For example, I got invited to a friend's house for Easter and told him that I might not be able to call, but at the same time would try to figure something out and he was just like "oh, it's fine, don't worry about it" - so I do think that it's just not that important to him to talk daily. :S

I still get angry sometimes when I'm really looking forward to talking to him and then when I call, he's really tired/grumpy and hardly says a word/listens. But he's making more of an effort lately and I have to give that to him. I also constantly remind myself of the point he made when we talked about this: the more I complain about not talking enough, the less likely he will want to talk to me. I think one way of resolving this is simply to pull back and be super-patient and super-tolerant - don't make him feel like you're chasing him. That's very hard to pull off, but it will be good for your self-esteem and it will do him good to know that you're not desperate to talk to him and don't build your life around him. Usually, the less interested in him you seem, the more interested in you he will become. I guess that's kind of tricking him, but I found that it frequently works. If not, you at least know what you're at with him. The other (more straightforward) way is simply talking to him about it without accusing him. Ask him what he wants and find a level of communication you both are happy with.

[kireinamida]

I still get angry sometimes when I'm really looking forward to talking to him and then when I call, he's really tired/grumpy and hardly says a word/listens. But he's making more of an effort lately and I have to give that to him. I also constantly remind myself of the point he made when we talked about this: the more I complain about not talking enough, the less likely he will want to talk to me. I think one way of resolving this is simply to pull back and be super-patient and super-tolerant - don't make him feel like you're chasing him. That's very hard to pull off, but it will be good for your self-esteem and it will do him good to know that you're not desperate to talk to him and don't build your life around him. Usually, the less interested in him you seem, the more interested in you he will become. I guess that's kind of tricking him, but I found that it frequently works. If not, you at least know what you're at with him. The other (more straightforward) way is simply talking to him about it without accusing him. Ask him what he wants and find a level of communication you both are happy with.

I agree with this. When something like that happens to me, I just try to be very patient. It's hard, but it usually works.
Though I really want to talk to him all the time, I try to tell myself that he has a life too. And he appreciates my patience and understanding.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

the more I complain about not talking enough, the less likely he will want to talk to me. I think one way of resolving this is simply to pull back and be super-patient and super-tolerant - don't make him feel like you're chasing him. That's very hard to pull off, but it will be good for your self-esteem and it will do him good to know that you're not desperate to talk to him and don't build your life around him. Usually, the less interested in him you seem, the more interested in you he will become. I guess that's kind of tricking him, but I found that it frequently works. If not, you at least know what you're at with him. The other (more straightforward) way is simply talking to him about it without accusing him. Ask him what he wants and find a level of communication you both are happy with.

I think thats what makes it so frustrating. We have talked about it! His thought process was "what if I'm deployed?" we won't be able to talk, whats the big deal about one day? Mine was "what if you're deployed?" we need to take advantage of being able to talk now. And we did compromise. We usually do the good morning text or phone call. We may text occasionally throughout the day, but nothing excessive. Maybe 2-3. Then usually a phone call to let the other know we're back home (from work/school) and just before we go to bed. The one right before bed is when we usually talk. And he's usually really really great about it. It's usually just a good morning text, but he was even surprising me with phone calls now and then if he knew I was up getting ready for class. And he was even texting me a little more with those "thinking of you texts."

AND I did pull back......he complained bc I wasn't calling, told me I could call too, but not too much. Which launched an argument bc I really only call to let him know I'm home and then if I go to bed first. Other than that I some times call on the days I teach bc I want to tell him how the lesson went....I get excited. So I got really angry with him and told I had no clue what he wanted bc when I don't call he complains about that and when I do he complains that I call too much. So I started texting occasionally in the day again and started calling him during the day just once (usually to let him know my plans, if a study groups comes up and I'm not going straight home, or if I'm home, that sort of thing), and again if I was going to bed before him.

I guess I need to pay attention to when this happens. I think it may be on the weekends. He lives on post and recently got a new roommate (I complained about this when it first happened). I'm more than happy that he and this roommate actually hangout and I'm glad he has new neighbors that he likes. He only had a few guys he was sort of close to and I think they were all married and lived off post. So I'm glad he has some good friends there! BUT that does not excuse him from calling me! Oh goodness, if I do that.....he's worse than a girl telling me how he was waiting for me to call and that he was worried and I wasn't answering my phone, etc etc. It just frustrating bc when I tell him I'm upset bc he didn't call sooner then he just can't understand why I'm upset. But if I don't call....he whines and complains about how I didn't call!!

Guess I'll just go back to not calling/texting, letting him call when he's ready to talk, and see how he reacts. I'll also pay closer attention to when he does this. I just can't wait for this LD to be over. I'm counting down till we're finally CD. We do just fine when we do finally have some time together. Our only arguments really are phone calls, other than that any disagreement we can talk about and work out quickly.

It just really makes me angry. When he calls and wants to talk, he expects to be able to. So if I'm doing homework, I stop what I'm doing and talk to him and just say oh well and stay up an extra hour or two doing homework. Yet when I call and want to talk and expect to, he seems way more often than I ever do to have some reason why he can't talk. [[i'm not saying every time, but more often than I do]] It usually bc he's "busy", whatever that entails or bc "he has all these ppl over at his house" and he can't understand why I might be a little upset. REALLY!? Do you not think I'm busy too!! I'm going to school FULL TIME, I'm attempting to work part-time (as much as I can) just so I can afford to go see you and send you stuff and try to cover as much of my school as I can, plus all that stuff that goes along with being a full time student and trying to write lesson plans that I can actually do in the class I'm teaching, plus trying to help out around the house. I'm busy too!! But I still take time out of my day to talk to you!! Some times, I swear......just ugh. Really can you really not see how it's the exact same thing as what YOU do?!

[agentholli]

what you wrote above sounds like the same thing I have to deal with. He never did call me last night. He texted me this morning saying he fell asleep. Which i know he did, but he was home for like 2 hours..."waiting for his schedule for work to show up for today"...umm ok? Why can't you call me, while you keep checking your email for a schedule? I just don't understand it.

He is for the most part good at calling and texting, but sometimes he has his moments of not doing it and it upsets me. and before I went back to work, we talked ALL the time..now that I am restrained during the day i can only call him on my breaks, it seems like we NEVER talk anymore..and it frustrates me and makes me sad. I knew it was going to be like this when I went back to work.

But really, I think its just the way Men are. I think its in the genes to be like this. We as woman need more of that, and they don't. So I figure you either that it fester and get you really upset..or you just remember that "He's still a guy" LOL. Its harder to get remember he is a guy, trust me I know. I just wish that the boys would wake up and know that we need this interaction!

[stargazerlily]

I can relate!

My boyfriend is also like that. >_< What is it with guys really? So frustrating!

With my SO, several days could go by without me hearing from him - no texts, no calls, no emails. There were also a couple of times when he missed our skype date because he overslept (our locations have a 12-hour time difference) or he had to go somewhere. I told him how much this kind of behavior bothers me and makes me sad so he promised that he would email me regularly/every other day. But that never really happened. So yeah, I also do that "ignore him til he talks to you" tactic. It works but it takes a lot of self control not to contact him first.

Good luck to us!

[Bluestars]

When he calls and wants to talk, he expects to be able to. So if I'm doing homework, I stop what I'm doing and talk to him and just say oh well and stay up an extra hour or two doing homework. Yet when I call and want to talk and expect to, he seems way more often than I ever do to have some reason why he can't talk. [[i'm not saying every time, but more often than I do]] It usually bc he's "busy", whatever that entails or bc "he has all these ppl over at his house" and he can't understand why I might be a little upset. REALLY!? Do you not think I'm busy too!! I'm going to school FULL TIME, I'm attempting to work part-time (as much as I can) just so I can afford to go see you and send you stuff and try to cover as much of my school as I can, plus all that stuff that goes along with being a full time student and trying to write lesson plans that I can actually do in the class I'm teaching, plus trying to help out around the house. I'm busy too!! But I still take time out of my day to talk to you!! Some times, I swear......just ugh. Really can you really not see how it's the exact same thing as what YOU do?!

I know what you mean. Recently, my SO has been verrrry busy. He is in the process of moving into a new apartment, and with that and work, there has been very little time left for me! To top it off, his dad and sister came in town this weekend, so he was busy right up until he went into work in the evening, and when he got off of work he went straight to bed--or to hang out with friends. S

Whenever I am extremely busy with school, I still answer the phone when Jared calls. Like you, I will stop what I am doing to talk to him, even if that means having to stay up one or two hours later! However, whenever he is busy, he barely makes any time for me at all. When he had a research paper last November, I almost went insane because he barely made any time to talk to me for over two weeks O_o. I understand that he is busy, but I know that he makes time for things like surfing the net, watching TV, or going out for friends. This really frustrates me when he will only talk to me for less than ten minutes in a day! We might talk on and off for two minutes at the time, but I need "quality" time on the phone, which he doesn't really understand.

However, whenever Jared calls me and I have no choice but to tell him that I am busy and need to go, he does not understand! I will hang up the phone and ten minutes later he will call me back....I say I have to go again and he calls back in two minutes. We actually got in a fight about it this past weekend. I told him that I expect him to respect my time just like I respect his. That is one thing that sets me on fire!

I don't really have any advice...right now I am waiting for things to calm down for him. I know that he makes an effort to talk to me when he can. It really does help to distance yourself! Sometimes I make myself wait for him to contact me. It's hard resisting, but eventually he will call and say that he misses me

[Lumos]

I think sometimes people just don't realize how bad something feels until it happens to them. I can remember one time when I was having a conversation over text with my SO, and he suddenly stopped responding. I figured he had fallen asleep because he was very tired that night, and just went on with my life. Four hours later, I finally got a text from him, and he had been out with friends the whole time and just not mentioned it to me even though we were talking -_- Later on, I accidentally did something similar to him, and nothing like that has happened since. A few times when my SO has done something that made me feel bad I've said "How would you feel if I...", and that helps him see the way I think of things.

However, this is not a problem I usually have. My SO and I spend probably a ridiculous amount of time together considering we're so far apart. I'd say we spend an average of 16 hours a day together if you count sleeping. A lot of this time isn't spent talking though. We leave our webcams going pretty much all day, so we have them up while we're doing homework or sleeping. It's nice to spend time with him no matter what we're doing ^^ We also text quite a bit when one of us is out or in class (although those conversations have a huge delay between responses). Recently we've started going places "together" while talking on the phone. Usually just Starbucks, but sometimes we'll eat dinner "together" at Chipotle or something

[agentholli]

Recently we've started going places "together" while talking on the phone. Usually just Starbucks, but sometimes we'll eat dinner "together" at Chipotle or something

i LOVE doing that...it is so much fun!

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Not hearing much that I haven't already tried, but it's VERY COMFORTING knowing others feel the same way. I was starting to think I was just crazy, that maybe I was calling him too much, that maybe I wasn't being understanding of his time, maybe I was just being needy.... (I don't think a daily phone call and a text or two is being needy!)

I'm not crazy though. He does all those things. I think he's loosing his mind. Today he called and wanted to webcam. He didn't have work and it was about 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I told him I couldn't I was writing a paper. (I sat on the back porch doing homework from 10am - 6pm! With just a few potty breaks. This is insane!) He sounded all pouty and said "But I"m not busy right now." I told him, "well I am. I have this paper due when I go back to school and I need to try to get it done. Sorry, but I have homework." I think that's like the first time I ever told him no I couldn't webcam. He texted me tonight asking what I was doing. Told him just finished with homework and taking a break. {I was at it all of 11 hours! FML} So I ended up asking if he had time to talk. I even wrote a few questions I had so I wouldn't forget, questions about what he did this weekend, how such and such a meeting went, if he figured out the situation with his car......STILL got one word answers. Yea, it's fine, good, it was fun. Whatever. I give up. He'll come around, always does, but he needs to hurry up its never gone on this long!! :P

[HMA]

Ugh, this is an ongoing problem for me. Lately he hasn't had reliable phone access, so he hasn't been calling me much, which upsets me! I would probably be fine if he made more of an effort to email me everyday that he doesn't get to call. I always send him emails of silly stuff or just a ramble everyday and he says he loves it. But he rarely responds! Or when he does respond it's not very long, which is frustrating. I get that a lot of men are goal oriented and will just say what they need to say quick and concise, but would it kill him to give me just a little more of the daily stuff in there? He enjoys getting my emails, then why not reciprocate? I always think about stopping the emails to see if he even notices, but haven't yet. I think I will this time, though! I sent him a big email about how I was feeling kind of down, that not hearing from him the last few days has been harder on me than usual, and also a bunch about my feelings for him (positive stuff). He responded with, "I love you, will respond to this as soon as I can."
He sent that message... let me see... TWENTY-EIGHT HOURS AGO. I know he's very busy, but COME ON. I'm not going to email him until I get my damn response!

I also pick up his calls whenever he does phone, regardless of what I'm doing. I always make time for him. So what is it? Are we too available, ladies?

When he does call we always have wonderful conversations and we are always able to calmly work out any issues we have, but when I don't hear from him I stew and get pissed. It's very lucky for him that pretty much as soon as he calls the anger evaporates. I still tell him that I'd like more regular calls, etc., but for some reason the anger isn't there. Which I guess is good. We can't text because he doesn't have a cell phone. I certainly wish he did.

[HMA]

HA, that bugger just logged on MSN.
Sneaky, getting me right after my stress relieving rant and saying he misses me. Lucky timing!

[Gemini]

I understand you greatly...my SO has done that to me MANY times before >_<. . . i dont get guys -shakes head-.....i think after all the nagging i did he finally let up im not really sure but yeah reading one of the posts you have to wait paitently for it to sink in? im not sure.....my SO would ALLWAYS be late for our dates like he didnt take them seiresly....really bugged me and....he would be so busy with work sometimes (he does work on the computer) that he would hard talk to me......and i told him because he wasnt keeping his word that we would do this or he would be here that i DIDNT believe him anymore and i tried to act like its not going to happen because it just felt like it isnt.........sometimes guys are like that i they think that we are crowding them too much or something and they want to have there alone time.....im not sure....but if he promises or says he is going to do it he should do it............

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Its the distance. When he's home we spend a lot of time together but we still do our own thing. I am more than ok with giving him guy time or hanging out with his friends too. But no matter what, at the end of the day, he's still coming home giving me kisses, holding me in his arms, and sleeping next to me. But I don't have anything.....not a kiss, not a hug, not even a slight brush of his arm against mine. All I have are our phone calls and webcam sessions. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand. He's always saying "I don't see why you're so upset." I don't know how bc its the exact same thing that makes me upset every time you do....for the exact same reasons I explain to you every time.

[[plus just found out he won't be home until July if we're lucky. Which really sucks because he was suppose to be here last week, then he said he thought about surprising me this weekend but had to stay in the area (why even tell me that if you can't!), then we were talking about after my finals (May), and NOW it's July! So that is a total of about 5 months without seeing him when it was only suppose to be less than 2 months. Plus my last visit was all of a 4 day weekend whereas we always have at least week together, so with him at work and a class....it didn't even seem like 4 days!]] What a crap-tacular day! 6 hours of sleep, 12 hours of homework, and now this. FML ((:P))