Weight...?

[kteire]

Maybe it is just me but this to me says its the aesthetics of the weight more than anything else. I don't mean to sound harsh but if you love some one truly weight is not an issue. how tall is he? how is he built? Just because some one carries some extra pounds does not mean they are lazy or inactive. If you are worried about his health that is one thing but if it is just the visual you are focused on I would have some questions about my dedication and reasons for being in the relationship.

I was just thinking the same thing. The way OP said "...visual" came across as being concerned over his appearance rather than his health. And I don't really understand how her being 110lbs is relevent in the original post... except maybe that a person who's 110lbs might not understand how difficult it is for someone to lose weight and keep it off. It's one thing to want the person you love to be healthy for their own benefit, but comparing their physique to your own and saying things like that just seems like the wrong kind of concern to me.

OP, you can't commit to being with someone and expect them to change because you don't like what you see. Like other people have said, he's probably aware and doesn't need you to remind him.

[Zephii]

I think it's hilarious that people are all "If you love him you don't care what he looks like" uhm sorry, that's bullshit. You have every right to be physically attracted to your SO. Sure, if it's something he can't do anything about, like his nose is crooked (like mine, hah) or you wish he had baby blue eyes and he doesn't then yeah you need to build a bridge - but weight is something he can control at least to some degree. And as he gets older it will become more of an issue, not less of one. Generally I agree with the sentiment "If you met him looking that way you can't expect more" however, that's a hard rule when you meet online. I know Obi didn't look exactly how the webcam told me he would, I was quite surprised! Really, you're not going to know for sure if you like what you see until you actually see it. It's also ok to say "I thought I'd be alright with it, but I'm not entirely".

Above all, you owe him your (gentle) honesty. Obi told me not two weeks ago that I need to work on my bum. It is apparently only 4 and a half stars, and I could work towards a five star He said this when I was working out too. I guess you wait for an opportunity and gently say "You're hot, but you could be hotter" you know?

As to how to bring it up, wait until he's about to go to the gym and ask him to work on his belly while he's there. If he brushes you off hold onto him and tell him seriously that you love him and don't want to hurt him but that you would be even more attracted to him if he could do this one thing for you, and you will support him every step of the way.

We're here to help our SOs improve themselves and be the best people they are able to be. And that starts with honesty.

[Rosebud]

Above all, you owe him your (gentle) honesty. Obi told me not two weeks ago that I need to work on my bum. It is apparently only 4 and a half stars, and I could work towards a five star He said this when I was working out too. I guess you wait for an opportunity and gently say "You're hot, but you could be hotter" you know?

That's great that you're comfortable with that type of comment, it really is. But I know, personally, if my boyfriend said something like that to me, especially if I was already working out it would pretty much tear me up into little pieces, I'd wind up crying the rest of the night and seriously reconsider ending the relationship with him. Everyone takes to personal comments about their body differently, especially when most of us are already concerned about whether we're attractive to our SO and likely have a pretty realistic idea of what we look like. Telling her to flat out ask her boyfriend to lose weight for visual reasons would only work if she absolutely, 100% knows already that his weight is not a big deal to him. If it is however, I would prefer to follow others' advice and tread very delicately on the situation since from the way the OP states it, it sounds like she just wants to say, 'Hey, you're just not sexy enough for me', which I would gander for a majority of people would cause some serious issues.

---------- Post added at 08:52 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:50 AM ----------

[milaya]

I think it's hilarious that people are all "If you love him you don't care what he looks like" uhm sorry, that's bullshit. You have every right to be physically attracted to your SO. Sure, if it's something he can't do anything about, like his nose is crooked (like mine, hah) or you wish he had baby blue eyes and he doesn't then yeah you need to build a bridge - but weight is something he can control at least to some degree. And as he gets older it will become more of an issue, not less of one. Generally I agree with the sentiment "If you met him looking that way you can't expect more" however, that's a hard rule when you meet online. I know Obi didn't look exactly how the webcam told me he would, I was quite surprised! Really, you're not going to know for sure if you like what you see until you actually see it. It's also ok to say "I thought I'd be alright with it, but I'm not entirely".

Above all, you owe him your (gentle) honesty. Obi told me not two weeks ago that I need to work on my bum. It is apparently only 4 and a half stars, and I could work towards a five star He said this when I was working out too. I guess you wait for an opportunity and gently say "You're hot, but you could be hotter" you know?

As to how to bring it up, wait until he's about to go to the gym and ask him to work on his belly while he's there. If he brushes you off hold onto him and tell him seriously that you love him and don't want to hurt him but that you would be even more attracted to him if he could do this one thing for you, and you will support him every step of the way.

We're here to help our SOs improve themselves and be the best people they are able to be. And that starts with honesty.

I was actually thinking the exact same thing.
I know love makes you blind, but to what extent? If a heavy size person is a turn off, then it's hard to ignore, in my opinion. Even though you love that person. Especially if you met on the internet, if seems (I haven't tried it) easier to fall in love with the personality before looks - compared to meeting up at some location and then fall in love.

But... yes, how to tell that person is a hard thing. I've experienced being teased and even bullied about my weight in elementary school, so I know the feeling of disliking your own body. Before I met my SO (1 and a half years ago) I had a BMI that told me I was overweight, I hated myself. I also felt that my SO probably wasn't fully satisfied with the body size of his girlfriend and I feared the day he would tell me.
Now, a year and a half later I've lost a lot of weight (unfortunately without diet or actual reason, so I have no good tips) and my BMI is now a lot closer to underweight, that overweight. But, I still know the feeling. Like when my SO lifted me up and said "you've really become lighter" - even that felt hurtful towards the person I used to be - even though my SO didn't mean it that way.

Guess, what I'm trying to say is that... your SO probably knows better than everybody that his body size is not what most would consider ideal. Especially even if it's a unhealthy size. That you're not happy with it either, might add to his motivation about losing weight. But! You have to really consider how you say it.

Overall I have no good tips or advice. I just felt like expressing that I don't really believe in the "if you love him, it shouldn't be a problem". And you have every right to have certain dislikes about a person you love. Sometimes we just can't change those dislikes.
Maybe your SO can't or wont lose weight and then it is up to you if you're able to fully love him for all he is. Because, you can't force him to change or lose weight. You can only try to discuss it with him and see if he agrees. And if he decides to do his best at changing... then support him in every way.

[LeilaniJoi]

All I will add is that you should never, ever have to change yourself to be what someone else wants you to be. Yes there is being attracted to a certain body type, but it's not the body type you are falling in love with, it's the person inside. There is being physically attracted to someone but this will cool in time no matter how great they look on the outside. I'd be more concerned with what kind of person he is rather than the "visual" of him carrying some extra weight.

Encourage him if he says something about losing weight, but if not then either accept him as he is or walk away. It's very pompous and condescending to say that someone needs to lose weight for you no matter how you try to rationalize it with the health angle. Frankly, if my guy ever came up with the "you need to lose weight" thing then I would know, irrevocably, that we were not to be.

Weight issues are a big thing for alot of people. I understand most of the people here are young and have this set idea that it's easy, just work out and lose but let me tell you... it is NOT that easy for alot of people. So many things play into it that are both physical and psychological. My guy is a little heavy, but so am I and he likes me just the way I am.

Again, how tall is this guy and what is his build? My guy is close to that weight but with his build he would look silly being skinny.. he's very big boned and would just look silly being at what his "ideal" weight is for his height. Do I worry about him? I worry more that he smokes as much as he does than his weight. Yet once again, even skinny people can be unhealthy and unfit... weight really doesn't have much to do with it... just like age, it's just a number.

[kteire]

Yeah, if my SO ever told me that I wasn't as attractive as I could be, I'd be very hurt regardless of how delicately he put it. It wouldn't make me dump him right away, but I'd definitely feel like me at my normal self wasn't good enough in his opinion. It's not bullshit to say that if you love someone you should be able to see past their weight or appearance. Attraction is of course incredibly important, but if you're only attracted to someone provided they lose weight, what happens if they put on weight again? Or when they get older and their body type changes? I don't think love makes someone completely blind, of course, but there's so much more to attraction than physical appearance.

[MadMolly]

My ex told me I needed to lose weight quite soon after we met and I didn't bat an eyelid. I just lost the weight. I was making an effort to be the most attractive for him I could be. I don't see why it's a big deal - it's WEIGHT, it's something you CAN change - why not do that for your SO? Why get upset about it when you can just lose weight if your feelings are hurt?

Attraction is vital in any romantic relationship. I cannot stress that enough. Loving someone's personality will NOT be all you need in the end.

[Rosebud]

My ex told me I needed to lose weight quite soon after we met and I didn't bat an eyelid. I just lost the weight. I was making an effort to be the most attractive for him I could be. I don't see why it's a big deal - it's WEIGHT, it's something you CAN change - why not do that for your SO? Why get upset about it when you can just lose weight if your feelings are hurt?

Attraction is vital in any romantic relationship. I cannot stress that enough. Loving someone's personality will NOT be all you need in the end.

That's great that your weight wasn't tied into your entire lifestyle. I'm happy for you. But for many of us our weight IS tied into how we live our daily lives and while changing your LIFEstyle is possible, it can be extremely difficult (including on a psychological and emotional level) and require a lot of work outside of just physical changes.

[lucybelle]

I think the difference is that I want to be with someone who is concerned about how they look and strive to keep in shape. Therefore, if this person starts to gain weight, I would want them to respond to the fact that I notice. Of course I expect the same in return.

Because it's just physical (as everyone keeps saying) then what about dying hair? Cutting hair? Height? Doing your nails? Shaving your legs? Piercings? Tattoos? These are all just physical appearances, yet they mean a lot to people. My SO asked me to grow out my hair. I didn't throw a hissy fit, I just did. I don't think he finds me less attractive with short hair, I know he would PREFER for me to have long hair. Some people wouldn't date anyone with loads of tattoos and stretched ears. I don't think choosing a body type is any different. Especially because body types can be worked on and changed.

[Tanja]

I agree with Zephii and Molly. I don't see it as a big deal either. I don't think telling your SO to lose some weight means that you're asking him to change completely to please your liking. If you're not attracted to overweight people what can you do about it? You can still love the person more than ever but you need a physical attraction as well to make the relationship work.

Most overweight people CAN control their weight. It's something you CAN change about you in order to gain a healthier life and feel good about yourself. Getting overweight doesn't happen overnight, it happens because people don't take care of themselves. No-one goes to bed being thin and wake up the next day weighing 200lbs more. It's a long process and people allow it to happen even though they can see where it's going. It's sad in my opinion.

I think it is up to everyone to decide whether or not they want to make that change. Because I think that most people do and they need someone to support them on that journey but there's nothing wrong with asking them to do it. They don't have to say yes yet it doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over. It means that both parties have to compromise.

I don't know why weight is such a sensitive spot to so many people. Why make it sound so dramatic?

I'm guilty of eating a lot of sweets, junk food occasionally and not excercising enough. Therefore I'm gaining weight and I realise it. Yet, I don't do much about it and it annoys me so much. But it's MY problem and only I have the power to do something about it. I know that the more weight I gain, the less attractive I will be in my SO's eyes. That's a motivation in itself.

Also, losing weight can improve your sex life drastically; you're more fit, you can go on for longer, you can try more different positions etc. I don't know why losing weight is presented as such a negative thing when in fact it's only a positive thing and leads to a better and healthier quality of life.

[PríncipeAzul]

In my opinion health should be a major concern of everyone's. Anyone who is at an unhealthy weight should want to change that for themselves before changing it for everyone else and anyone who who's SO is at an unhealthy weight should want then to change for them before changing for their personal gain.

With that said..

We are all our own beings connected to our own feelings and opinions. If visual attraction isn't a part of your love language than that's terrific for you. For many people it is and there is nothing wrong with that. You should never feel bad for putting an emphasis on looks in terms of attraction. Just as some put an emphasis on personal fetishes it shouldn't be viewed as being negative or shallow. It should be viewed as being human.

Outside of a desire for your partner to be healthy in general if you decide it's important to be visually attracted to your lover(and say you're not as much as you would like to be) there is nothing wrong with that and there should be nothing wrong with expressing that. Be your own person and put how your feelings at the forefront. You owe it to yourself. Any hurt feelings an SO may get are temporary and will likely stem from feeling the same way and in disappointment upon their own situation.

If two people love each other unconditionally, no expression of feelings or hurt feelings will change that and thus a conversation like that should absolutely take place. It's healthy in it's own right.

[LeilaniJoi]

its not that losing weight is seen as a negative thing, it's that when/if you decide to lose weight you do it for you, not to make someone else happy with you. It has to be a decision you make for yourself and nobody else. For someone you love to give you that kind of ultimatum (I am not attracted to overweight people therefore (in so many words) lose the weight or lose me) is just wrong IMHO.

As far as other body things, long / short hair, hair color, piercings, tattoos.. those too make up who that person is. My guy loves long hair but loved me just the same when I cut mine short. I'm growing it back out for me, not for him because I love it too. Anything like that has to be something you do for yourself first and foremost because your self image should never, ever be tied into anyone but yourself.

If you fall in love with someone online through words, then meet them in person and they are not everything you fantasized then you seriously need to review what it is you are looking for and why you think you love them to begin with. You fall in love with the person - with all their faults (and we all have them whether we are 110 pounds or 410 pounds) - not the fantasy you build up in your mind and if it's the fantasy you are still craving then you need a reality check. Weight does not define a persons personality or their ability to love, nor does it indicate how active / fit they are. Maybe it's just the younger mindset here but that's really just wrong as far as I'm concerned. If you love someone, truly love them, then you accept them for who they are, not for what you want them to be. Bodies will change with age and time, physical intimacy will wane and each one of you will get older / softer / saggier and by this definition, more unattractive as time goes on. Before you get seriously involved with someone you better be damn sure you like the person inside and not focus so heavily on the person outside.

People overeat for alot of reasons. Sometimes it's not how much they eat but what they eat and again, this can be for alot of reasons. Depression can play very heavily into how active someone is or how much they want to be out doing things. I'd be willing to bed the OP's SO was nervous about meeting her because of his weight.

Giving someone an ultimatum like that is just a shitty thing to do to someone that knows they are overweight and probably struggles daily with all of the junk and assumptions that come with it. "IF" there is a health reason then by all means encourage him to lose, but don't do him the discredit of just saying it's because of the "visuals" because that's just wrong. I guess it gets people "dramatic" because of how society views it and the assumptions that anyone not in that struggle makes.

It's ok to have your opinions and be your own person but feelings like that are not temporary, they cut deep coming from someone who claims they love you... YOU with all your faults. Be your own person definitely, but seriously think about why you are in the relationship if you can't accept someone you love 100% and btw.. as far as sex life... extra weight does not limit your sex life LOL fitness will to a degree if you get winded easily but I guarantee there isn't a position out there that I haven't tried, used and gotten satisfaction from... even being overweight

Wow.. I wrote a tome O.o

[Rosebud]

I don't know why weight is such a sensitive spot to so many people. Why make it sound so dramatic?

Just because it's not a sensitive issue for you (of which that's utterly fantastic and I wish the entire world ran on the same notion that weight should have no ties to your worth as a human being), doesn't mean it isn't a hugely sensitive issue for many people whether you or some other posters here understand it or not. It's great that you guys can handle it so positively, it really is, but it doesn't change the fact that there are TONS of people out there where weight IS a delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issue so to brush it off as though everyone who has weight issues is being a lazy, unrealistic and stupid (ie, not understanding that weight gain doesn't happen overnight) slob is highly offensive and very rude.

[PríncipeAzul]

Just because it's not a sensitive issue for you (of which that's utterly fantastic and I wish the entire world ran on the same notion that weight should have no ties to your worth as a human being), doesn't mean it isn't a hugely sensitive issue for many people whether you or some other posters here understand it or not. It's great that you guys can handle it so positively, it really is, but it doesn't change the fact that there are TONS of people out there where weight IS a delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issue so to brush it off as though everyone who has weight issues is being a lazy, unrealistic and stupid (ie, not understanding that weight gain doesn't happen overnight) slob is highly offensive and very rude.

For what it's worth you have the power to decide if it is and isn't a delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issue.

Find happiness in who you are, work to improve in the areas of life you wish to improve and there shouldn't be delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issues in your life. Don't allow an outside influence to dictate your thought process and self worth. Everyone has the power in their life to tackle their demons and change what they wish to. That's the joy of being human.

[Rosebud]

For what it's worth you have the power to decide if it is and isn't a delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issue.

Find happiness in who you are, work to improve in the areas of life you wish to improve and there shouldn't be delicate, sensitive and potentially extremely hurtful issues in your life. Don't allow an outside influence to dictate your thought process and self worth. Everyone has the power in their life to tackle their demons and change what they wish to. That's the joy of being human.

Thank you for the advice but this isn't about me (and if it was I would just like to point out that I'm not so stupid into not realizing that I personally have the "power" to change how I feel about myself, I find it ridiculous how many people assume those who are struggling with their body image have never had the insight into realizing such an obvious thing, as though it's really THAT easy), it's about the fact that the issues I mentioned are issues that countless people have to deal with, and that having someone they love tell them so bluntly they need to change in order to be attractive can be a very hurtful subject.