So angry and just frustrated

[Jezah]

Me and HBB found out today that realistically the only way I could come to the UK and get in would be if he came here and married me first. Apparently, after lots of research, the odds of a single young female by herself with no job or children back in the US getting into the UK to stay with her boyfriend to visit were pretty much zilch. Apparently I am too high a immigration risk. Well today me and HBB, after much discussion and hemming and hawwing, the decision was made that the only feasible way to make it work would be him to marry me here in the US in a quick civil ceremony and then get me a spousal visa. That way I could go over for his graduation in May and be able to stay for as long as I like while still having the freedom to go back to the states to finalize my affairs there and get my cats.

HBB is the love of my life, and I know it in my soul, but this is a dream dying. I always was a typical girl and dreamt of getting married in a big open church with flowers and me in a white glamorous dress walking down the aisle to the oooos and ahhhhs of my family. Not standing in a city hall with a justice of the peace. I know we will have the big one later down the road once he gets settled and we get settled. Its just such a drastic change and I am so crushed. I cannot tell HBB for him being the man he is he will feel terrible and try and fix it...and he can't. There is no other way, and so I keep it in and hide it from him so as not to worry him. I also fear that he will take my feelings to mean I am apprehensive about marrying him and that is not the case. I love him and know I want this, my only fears are my dream being broken and also the fact that my parents may look at it as being too impulsive ect because they don't get that it is urgent. He only gets so much free time before he will be an official busy army officer and have little time off. He will be here in a month (if OUR immigration let him in) and will be living with me for 7 weeks. When he leaves to go into Sandhurst I will only be seeing him for like 2-3wks twice more before the wedding.

Its just fast, and scary, and I worry somehow I will feel cheated out of my wedding.

[Sharon Q]

My best friend rushed into her marriage with her now husband before he joined the air force. Tho they both lived together. The only way they could stay physically together and live together would be if they got married.

She wasn't happy that she had to rush into it either, only her close family was there and it was very small.

She has told me that people there that have girlfriends back home have ended up marrying them over the phone.

So if you ask me getting married in a court house compared to getting married over the phone.... I would go with the first option.

You two can come back and have a big ceremony later. I know its not the same but at least you have the option to do so.

[AshleyNicolle]

I understand how you feel, because my boyfriend and I are planning to do the same thing when he visits here again. We won't get a proper marriage but it will be the easiest way he can stay in US because the pain of leaving him will hurt me much more than not having the "proper" wedding. He explained it nicely to me though, because it was a decision we both made, but he told me to look at it like this: It's not going to be a typical marriage where people are both ready, in a financial sense, to get married..but rather a marriage for making sure we can have the normal life that we want. I understand that were both young, but were both young enough that if 5 years down the line, if this isn't what we both wanted in life, we can still find what was mean't for us..even though I really feel we'll have a nice life together, because we already lived together for over 4 months, almost 5, so I know how his personality is with living, how he is with his finances..which is important before marriage, I believe everything will work with us. Ultimately, the decision is yours and his..and if you feel comfortable and right with it, then go for it. I feel this with my SO, so even if people say that I'm young, I'm still going to go through with this, because I want a normal life with him, without the distance. Good Luck

[CaptainKaz]

I don't want to make things worse for you, but the visa process can be quite a lengthy and difficult process - from what I understand (and I may be wrong), it's not as simple as getting hitched in the States and then just jumping ship over to the UK.

My SO and I are also tackling this hurdle. There is a slim chance I might be able to luck out and get a job near him in New York. If this falls through, pretty much marriage will be our only option. I haven't got any personal experience of it myself yet, but many ex-pats I've spoken to in person and online say that it's a very strenuous thing for a relationship to go through, and it's never certain. The checks that immigration do to ensure you're a bona fide couple are pretty extensive from what I hear and you have to be able to substantiate all your claims.

Personally, I'd ask around in the marriage section of this forum first before you decide to do anything (it's what I plan to do). A lot of people on here have first-hand experience of it and can tell you exactly what to expect, how to prepare, and what sort of time frame you're looking at. I know the urge to be with your SO must be be really strong, and I don't know how old you are/how long you've been together as a couple, but sometimes patience is the better option - so don't rush into anything.

[kat4301]

I don't know anything about the Visa issues or immigrating, but as far as the wedding stuff goes if you are able to have something bigger later on, there are many pros to this. I know we are told from a very early age that a big, fancy wedding at the start of the marriage is the ideal (at least in certain cultures). But a big ceremony later could symbolize some stability, which will be something huge to celebrate. I know it can be frustrating to change the ideal wedding because we learn that "on our wedding day we get everything we have ever wanted" but it should be about you as the couple celebrating something unique.

[Engel]

I understand it, because we will do the same thing when i get back there. but we will still be planning the religious wedding. I never had a dream o getting married when i was younger, but if i ever did consider marrying someday i wanted the whole church and flowers thing too. and the dress!
so i think or we do the religious wedding in august of 2012 (the couthouse one will be jan of 2012! just 4 more months) or we do it exactly one year after the courthouse wedding, like a vowls renewal, but, i am already planning it and wont do without it.

---------- Post added at 01:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:58 PM ----------

I understand it, because we will do the same thing when i get back there. but we will still be planning the religious wedding. I never had a dream o getting married when i was younger, but if i ever did consider marrying someday i wanted the whole church and flowers thing too. and the dress!
so i think or we do the religious wedding in august of 2012 (the couthouse one will be jan of 2012! just 4 more months) or we do it exactly one year after the courthouse wedding, like a vowls renewal, but, i am already planning it and wont do without it.

[Dauntedpoet]

I agree with Captainkaz ..the immigration process isn't that easy and even if you do get married you will have to wait for the spousal visa. I know this because my SO is in
Cambridge UK. Why aren't you trying for a fiancee visa first? This gives you 6 months before you have to get married and apply for a spousal visa. The down side is you cannot work in the UK on a fiancee visa. You and your prospective husband must also both be 21 for the fiancee visa. It also provides you with the evidence you need to support a spousal visa. It is not as easy as just having a marriage license...You have to have documentation of a serious relationship and the spousal visa can take a couple of weeks to a couple of months for approval if you haven't submitted a fiancee visa first.

[Minerva]

Honestly this scares me a bit as I've heard the UK can be tough at the border if they suspect you're there for a relationship. I get nervous that someday they might turn me back, though I do have a small child and a good job here in the States. I worry about the same thing for my SO, though I don't know how tough it is to get through immigration here. If I were in your shoes, I might do the same. The difference is, I've already met my SO, and we've known each other for years.

I don't know. It's a tough call. Rushing into marriage is not the greatest idea, but then again what can you do if you want to keep seeing each other? And I know since you two haven't met yet, you won't qualify for a fiancee visa. And even if you started that process after his visit, if he's going into the military, it'll be really hard to follow through with it, and if you get one, you'd have to do a rush wedding anyway as you have only 6 months to marry. And I've read it isn't a cheap process.

Maybe just think of it as paperwork to do be done so you can keep seeing each other. You can have a wedding when you're ready.

To be a mom for a sec: I know you love him, I can tell the way you write about him, but you haven't really known each other that long and you haven't yet met. If you want to move to the UK, perhaps you should speak with an immigration attorney and get some advice before you rush out and marry. It wouldn't be cheap, but (and sorry to be a downer here) it's likely to cost less than a divorce.

[books]

I know you love him, I can tell the way you write about him, but you haven't really known each other that long and you haven't yet met. If you want to move to the UK, perhaps you should speak with an immigration attorney and get some advice before you rush out and marry. It wouldn't be cheap, but (and sorry to be a downer here) it's likely to cost less than a divorce.

I agree with the above post. Maybe it's just my way of looking at things, but I think you are both getting way ahead of yourselves if you have only been dating for a couple of months and have not yet met, yet are ready to jump into all this marriage stuff to be together. What about slowing down a bit, having your first meeting, spend some time getting to know each other and then make some decisons when you're not feeling so rushed.

I want to be with my SO too, we all do. I've known him for a year and spent months with him as a CD couple before going LD. While I know in my heart he is the man I abolutely want to be with, I still plan on having a few more visits before we take that step. It's pretty much a gurantee that he will never be able to visit me here in the US unless we get married. There is a 90% denial rate for his country for tourist visits to US. Despite that, I don't feel obligated to rush into marriage just so he can come here and spend some time with me. We both want to take our time with this and plan it out right beforehand, so when we do close the distance we will be in a better place.

[Moon]

Why can't you go for a normal, touristy length of time, say two weeks, and say you're on holiday staying with your friend, at immigration? It's not lying, he is your friend I hope, and you will be doing tourist stuff, assuming you've never been there before. Have a return ticket, that's important. According to your profile, you've not met each other yet, do you really want to go over there and marry some guy you've never met? I hate to kill the romance with reality, but that's a very bad idea for a lot of reasons. Of course your parents will look at that as too impulsive, because it is, marriage is no joke and should never be done so impulsively. I know you want to be able to do this your way, but the sad part of international LDR's is that you can't just move and be together like you can in a domestic LDR, but you have to realize that going into it. Patience HAS to be a big factor in an international LDR, there are hurdles that have to be jumped, miles of paperwork and agonizing waits, but if your guy is really the one you want, then you just do it. The stress of immigration, and how you both handle it, will be a good test for your relationship, because if you can get through that, it's a really good sign.

Marrying someone you've never met can put you in situations you've never thought of. Being together in a marriage is completely different than Skype chat and text messages, it's even much different than the occasional visit but at least then you've spent significant time physically together. I understand that right now, your situation feels urgent, but it's not, you can get through this with some patience and realistic thinking. Wouldn't you feel better about the whole thing if your parents, friends and other loved ones got to meet him, and could help you plan your big day? You do not have to get married to go to the UK, people go back and forth all the time. You could even meet in a more neutral country within the Schengen Area, get your passport stamped there, and take a train back to the UK, this isn't impossible.

I hate to sound preachy, but I've been married twice, and there's nothing more soul crushing and miserable than being stuck in a bad marriage. Take your time, you are very young and have no real reason to rush into this. Think about it rationally and logically, leaving your heart and romance out of it, and when the time is right, then get married. If you honestly love him, and you know he's the right guy for you, a bit of distance and some time won't kill your relationship.

[Zephii]

People have given really good advice.

I also wanted to add that you should talk to him. Marriage is a big thing and even if it wasn't it's never ever a good idea to withhold stuff from your SO. It just breeds mistrust and resentment.

[JennyRW]

Go as a turist, are you studing? bring a letter from your school to show you have things in your country, are you owner of something? bring the papers. Find a job, even if its something simple, just to show you have a life in your country and you are just going to the uk to visit some friends...
Do not rush to get married, you need to talk with your boyfriend, but I don't think is a good idea to get married for papers, its the wrong reason, and I dont think is a good idea to get marrid if you had never see him in person yet

[Jezah]

I appreciate the replies. We have done ALOT of research and the chances of me being able to go over there as a tourist are about 7%. With tickets being expensive, thats just not a good call.

I know I have to do the spousal visa, however its ONE visa. If you look at the rules to get a fiancee visa they are more stringent and cost over 1000 dollars, plus a bunch of other loopholes that cost fee after fee after fee. Then on top of that we have to pay fees to change the visa to a spousal one and pay for it. It would be the difference between 1500$ and around 4000$. HBB will have the money but I would much rather spend it on a immigration agency here once we are married to help me get the spousal. This course of action was actually recommended by people who have done it, as once I apply for the visa it doesn't even matter if I have it yet, if I have applied I can visit him on the waiver program and be let in.

As far as rushing, I may be slightly rushing, but by the time we marry we will have been together for almost a year through thick and thin. As well, in a month he is coming to LIVE WITH ME for 7 weeks. I think we will have a pretty good idea if we will work or not. I understand the concerns of 'you don't really know him' and thats why we aren't getting married here when he visits the first time, even though it would be more convenient in terms of getting the visa before he graduates. We aren't rushing until we know each other, but we are planning because to just be all "it will work out" and not look forward to what we will do IF it does is just setting ourselves up for massive stress.

I do like that idea Kat, because also, after this ceremony we will not be living together for a few more months so the big one will feel more 'real' when we have it. Almost like sealing the deal and making it real. I guess last night I was just so stressed and broken that my dreams and my plans on how my life would go that I had since I was a babe were changing rapidly. However, I have to remember all that matters is I will have a chance to be with HBB forever and thats worth everything

[Zephii]

been together for almost a year

I bet I'm not the only one who sees a bright red flag here. A visit of seven weeks is not going to tell you everything you need to know before you marry. Our first visit was seven weeks as well and yes we learnt a bunch. But living with someone on a visit and living with someone are completely different and honestly you're fooling to yourself if you think otherwise.
I've been best friends with Obi for seven years, been a couple for just shy of three years, lived together alone in a committed relationship for well over a year and are doing all this visa and immigration stuff right now - And I still learn new things about him! Furthermore seven weeks will not prepare you for the stress marriage will put on the relationship (yes, there is stress - even without the big wedding) nor for the huge test of strength the visa process takes. It really is a nightmare.

Seriously I urge you to consider remaining kids for a while, have some stupidly expensive visits - have fun with that. Build some history! If going to each other's countries doesn't work, meet up somewhere else. Look for bargin flights and package deals because they do exist. Put in the hard yards - because I guarentee that seven weeks of face time, in such a short relationship (a year really is nothing for adult relationships even though it feels like you've known each other forever) is not going to impress immigartion.

[lucybelle]

I feel that if you're already worried about being able to afford a plane ticket to Europe... you need to put the brakes on now. If you can't even get the $1200 ticket over, how do you two expect to pay for the visa process? It is lengthy and expensive. My friend is trying to get her SO a common law visa to Australia and it has already cost them $4000, plus they still have to wait another 8 months to see if they can even get one!

I know it's kind of fun and exciting to think about rushing to get married. It's almost adrenaline pumping. But I agree with the above posts in that you two should slow down. 1 year together is not a lot of time. People on here have been LD for 5+ years and still going strong. It took my SO and I 2 years to close the distance and we were a helluva lot faster than most. Take your time. Think it through. Do what's best for the both of you.