So angry and just frustrated

[kiara_silver]

hmm im not sure about the legal stuff and everything. But i want to go to the UK in may to go see my SO. And without a visa i can go for 6 months. Thats a good amount of time. So can't you go just to visit without a visa?

[lucybelle]

And wait a minute... aren't you a USA citizen? You don't need a visa to go to the UK! You can go for 6 months without a visa on a tourist stay!

https://www.myvisapassport.com/Visa-UK-Tourist.html

[JennyRW]

I agree with Zephii, I see a big red flag! Seven weeks is nothing! Like is the 1st time you'll be together that is going to be like a honeymoon, so you will think everything is perfect so I'll get married, but the honeymoon doesn't last forever, that kind of desitions you must take much after the honeymoon period. If you cannot go to UK big deal, meet in Spain, Italy, France... There are no many americans trying to stay ilegal in Europe, if I, being from a latin American country with a dictatorship, don't have problems going to Europe you should have it easier than me! Seriously my sister went to UK like 2 years ago without problems and trust me she has many more reasons than you to stay there.
And I'm thinking if you buy your tiket to UK as part of a trip to other european countries so they will see that after UK you'll go to spain, or another... so they will see you are the typical american that is just going to meet the old continent and its history...
I'm sorry but I do believe it is a big mistake to get married that soon, after just 7 weeks in CDR
Please think more about it

[Jezah]

I appreciate people saying "its not enough time" because I know you are all trying to help...however, what do you suggest? Once he is out of Sandhurst he will be an army officer and unless I am THERE I will not see him at all. He doesn't get alot of leave, and that would, more than a marriage, kill us.

I didn't say I couldn't afford a ticket, I said it was expensive and if I was just going to be refused entry than it would be a huge waste!

You don't need a visa, however you do need to pass immigration when you land and believe me, the horror stories I have heard, getting past them as a single young unemployed ( I may be when I go over ) female alone is pretty much impossible since they worry you are meeting a man with plans to marry in the UK and stay illegally. I am not saying there is no chance I could get in if I have a return ticket ect ect, but its unlikely.

I am also no stranger to relationships, I am no babe in the woods. I am 24 almost 25 and have been there done that, and never considered marriage before, not even with the man I was with for 4 years. The fact was, I never met anyone I cared about as much as HBB and never met anyone worth that risk before. If I think that NOW with ever having kissed him...in a year I am sure marriage will not seem out of the question or even norm. Besides, that was NOT my query and as much as I appreciate advice I don't need people telling me I am jumping into things, being stupid, impulsive ect. I am sure I will get enough of that from my parents when I tell them

Also, not JUST 7 weeks, he will be coming back sporadically while on leave from sandhurst

[books]

I'm not exactly sure what your query is. I think people are just offering comments, many based on their own experience. When I've posted about issues with my SO on this forum, I have always appreciated the advice that was suggested. Someone like Moon- who has been married twice before- that is someone who I personally would heed advice from if I was considering marriage right now. Someone like Zephii- who has years of LDR experience- that is someone who obviously has learned many lessons along her journey.

I'm significantly older than you (32) and I too have never considered marriage before meeting my SO at the age of 31....and I was with my ex for 7 years! I want to be with him more than anything, also considering my mid-30's will be here before I know it, I want to be married and start a family. I am not however, willing to just jump into anything even tho at times that same feeling of urgency passes over me. I want to do this the right way.

Another point- you guys just had your first fight. That is such a crucial moment.

[Moon]

The ripe old age or 24 almost 25, huh? Sorry, don't mean to be snide, but that did make me laugh.

Listen, do what you want, it's your life and you will anyway. But stop thinking the UK won't let you in, people go there all of the time, London is one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world, and that includes young, single, unemployed girls. Stop looking at sites about visiting your overseas boyfriend, and look at tourist sites, and see how to do it, just use common sense here and you'll be fine. If you're employed now, save that last paystub and bring it with you. Bring a bank statement showing some cash, bring your cellphone bill, whatever ties you to the US, it's not hard. Book a hotel, even if you cancel it once there, and have a return ticket.

Like I, and someone else, said meet in another EU country first, then go to the UK, or go on a package deal somewhere. When I go to my boyfriends EU country, I tell them I'm visiting my boyfriend. They ask for my return date, and sometimes how we know each other, what town I'm staying in and that's that, I'm in. You're making a mountain out of a molehill, the US and EU are pretty receptive to each other's tourists and we aren't considered big illegal immigration risks to one another.

Unless you're really planning to do more than a visit, you're only a tourist, and should treat your visit as such. Don't give them any reason to suspect you and they won't, you're on vacation visiting friends.

You DO get that we're trying to help you here, right?

[lucybelle]

I appreciate people saying "its not enough time" because I know you are all trying to help...however, what do you suggest? Once he is out of Sandhurst he will be an army officer and unless I am THERE I will not see him at all. He doesn't get alot of leave, and that would, more than a marriage, kill us.

I didn't say I couldn't afford a ticket, I said it was expensive and if I was just going to be refused entry than it would be a huge waste!

You don't need a visa, however you do need to pass immigration when you land and believe me, the horror stories I have heard, getting past them as a single young unemployed ( I may be when I go over ) female alone is pretty much impossible since they worry you are meeting a man with plans to marry in the UK and stay illegally. I am not saying there is no chance I could get in if I have a return ticket ect ect, but its unlikely.

I am also no stranger to relationships, I am no babe in the woods. I am 24 almost 25 and have been there done that, and never considered marriage before, not even with the man I was with for 4 years. The fact was, I never met anyone I cared about as much as HBB and never met anyone worth that risk before. If I think that NOW with ever having kissed him...in a year I am sure marriage will not seem out of the question or even norm. Besides, that was NOT my query and as much as I appreciate advice I don't need people telling me I am jumping into things, being stupid, impulsive ect. I am sure I will get enough of that from my parents when I tell them

Also, not JUST 7 weeks, he will be coming back sporadically while on leave from sandhurst

First off I would say that all LD couples on here barely get to see their SOs. My SO and I, while LD, saw each other for 1 week once a year. There's plenty of couples that only get to see their SOs once a year. It sucks, but that's the sacrifice you make.

Also, getting into the UK as a USA citizen is not that hard. It actually astounds me that you're worried about it. My SO is from a Latin American country where most people are simply unable to get a visa to the USA. It's goddam near impossible. But he came into the USA with no problem. And like JennyRW said, he has much more reason to stay in the USA than you do in the UK. What I suggest you do is what my SO did. When he came into the country he (and you when you enter UK) gets a 6 month visa stamp (hopefully). The plan was for him to spend the entire 6 months with me. To not push our luck at the border, we made his return ticket for 1 month after he arrived. We simply had to rebook a one-way ticket for him home once he was in country. At the border when asked what he was doing here, he wasn't stupid and said "I'm coming to live with my girlfriend". Rejected. Duh. He instead said "Vacation". Which is true. He didn't work.

Anyways, I guess through my ramblings my point is that there are plenty of ways to be together without rushing into a marriage you don't seem like you're ecstatic about.

[Ninjamonkeys]

Well, HBB here [i secretly love saying that] with my input on the subject. Jezah told me she got very upset about the whole thing last night and that is probably why her post is more of a load of information and not so much a question that can be easily answered. I also want to say that I, and Jezah if she's really honest, appreciate the comments and constructive criticism not just on this topic but the rest of the site too. [That's me sucking up and saying you're all awesome]

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. We're not rushing into this in any way, despite what might have come across in the topic. I'm coming to visit Jezah next month for 7 weeks and that'll be awesome and hopefully the best 7 weeks of our lives. I will, hopefully, be going to Sandhurst [the British Army's Officer training school] in May [2012] for my course which will last an entire year. It's split into 3 terms with some leave between those terms. I'll hopefully get to spend about 10 days per visit with Jezah during those times.

The problem we kinda arrived at was discussing her attending my graduation ball in May 2013, specifically her worries about getting into the country. She's not gonna like me for saying this but Jezah worried a lot about even the smallest thing and sometimes over-reacts to things that I know will go smoothly. For example my visit to see her, she was worried I'd get turned away at the immigration desk and did get very worried about it. I am not worried about it at all. So she looked up her visit over here and found a lot of things that made her worry, yes some of them were the extreme horror stories and not the norm. However it got us thinking about was to get around this and discovered that it'd be easier to, whenever we decide, get married in the USA rather than the UK. It'd be cheaper, easier and she could still have her big white wedding with all the trimmings.

Her BIG worry is that she'd get turned away at immigration when she comes over, under the visa waiver program, for my graduation. Because she'd miss my graduation and waste the cost of the plane ticket [no normal person can just afford to throw away $1000 for nothing!] We did discuss things like her bringing over everything that tied her to the USA and booking a hotel and having a return flight [obviously] and not mentioning me as her boyfriend and all that but she does worry an unhealthy amount. I'm glad you all pointed out that American's, even single females, visit the UK all the time and I'm talking to her about that particular visit [her first to the UK].

On a side note, once I'm in the Army, I will not have the time for a LDR and we had discussed before that we'd probably want to get married very soon after I become a fully fledged Officer so that she can be with me in the UK. That would have meant getting married after knowing each other for just over 2 years [met this May and me becoming an Officer in May 2013]. Yes you all may think this is rushing and that our visits will be like mini-honeymoons but to be brutally honest, we don't really care what you think about our relationship and we'll marry when we want. Sorry if that sounded harsh, we still love the advise and support and everything else this site has to offer.

I'll close with a line from Tennyson that I might be applying to marriage : "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all!"

[lucybelle]

My sister is an officer in the Navy and finds plenty of time for her LDR. I don't know why it would be so different for the two of you? There's plenty of couples with one part in the armed forces with very limited means of communication. But they make it through.

With that being said, you two will do what you wish. I do believe that jezah has worried too much about entering the UK. It's truly not a big deal.

[Moon]

I actually don't think two years is too short of a time to consider marriage, it sounds just about right. Unfortunately, her posts gave me, at least, the impression that she met some guy a few months ago (you, of course!), has never met him, but is very soon going to run off and marry him at the first meeting because she thinks she won't be allowed into the UK for a visit otherwise. Can you see why we got a bit alarmed? We get concerned for one another here and it's kinda nice, even when it's sometimes a little beyond our business. I may have missed it, but I never realized she wasn't going there until 2013, and after you've already had some visits. It sounds like a decent enough plan to tell you the truth, and I wish you both luck with it. Thanks for the clarification.

[Ninjamonkeys]

Thanks for the reply and yes, Jezah didn't really put across the time-frame of the whole thing and made it seemed rushed. She was upset when she wrote the first post but I pointed out stuff to her and she talk to one of her friends and is now in a better mood. [being on skype with me may have helped that ] I know you guys get concerned and it's a great community and Jezah does love the support and advice offered around here. I just thought I'd clarify things!

Thanks guys!
HBB

[Jezah]

Ok, so I do worry too much, but I have bad luck! HBB can testify to this fact, and since meeting him I have been so happy I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I am sorry, HBB pointed out I didn't clarify, this would be May 2013 and TWO years not one. I am very confident he is the one, just not confident in my luck

[adielovesshelbs]

Why can't you go for a normal, touristy length of time, say two weeks, and say you're on holiday staying with your friend, at immigration? It's not lying, he is your friend I hope, and you will be doing tourist stuff, assuming you've never been there before. Have a return ticket, that's important. According to your profile, you've not met each other yet, do you really want to go over there and marry some guy you've never met? I hate to kill the romance with reality, but that's a very bad idea for a lot of reasons. Of course your parents will look at that as too impulsive, because it is, marriage is no joke and should never be done so impulsively. I know you want to be able to do this your way, but the sad part of international LDR's is that you can't just move and be together like you can in a domestic LDR, but you have to realize that going into it. Patience HAS to be a big factor in an international LDR, there are hurdles that have to be jumped, miles of paperwork and agonizing waits, but if your guy is really the one you want, then you just do it. The stress of immigration, and how you both handle it, will be a good test for your relationship, because if you can get through that, it's a really good sign.

Marrying someone you've never met can put you in situations you've never thought of. Being together in a marriage is completely different than Skype chat and text messages, it's even much different than the occasional visit but at least then you've spent significant time physically together. I understand that right now, your situation feels urgent, but it's not, you can get through this with some patience and realistic thinking. Wouldn't you feel better about the whole thing if your parents, friends and other loved ones got to meet him, and could help you plan your big day? You do not have to get married to go to the UK, people go back and forth all the time. You could even meet in a more neutral country within the Schengen Area, get your passport stamped there, and take a train back to the UK, this isn't impossible.

I hate to sound preachy, but I've been married twice, and there's nothing more soul crushing and miserable than being stuck in a bad marriage. Take your time, you are very young and have no real reason to rush into this. Think about it rationally and logically, leaving your heart and romance out of it, and when the time is right, then get married. If you honestly love him, and you know he's the right guy for you, a bit of distance and some time won't kill your relationship.

I completely agree. Being with someone in person is way different than texting, skype, etc. Being married to someone is completely different from that. What if you go there and you find after being with him for a few weeks, he is not what you thought? you will be married to him and it is so much harder and way more expensive to get a divorce. i can understand wanting to be with him, i really do but i think you should seriously, seriously think about it. it is a major step. if he is truly the one for you, then the distance will only make the relationship stronger. good luck with your decisions.

[adielovesshelbs]

sorry that my post is super late, and you guys have already kinda figured things out.. in that case ignore me lol.

[Ninjamonkeys]

sorry that my post is super late, and you guys have already kinda figured things out.. in that case ignore me lol.

Nah, it's all good. Opinions are always good to at least read, even if we've already made our minds up and have planned stuff That's just who we are!