The Ultimatum

[Leigh]

Would you ever consider giving your SO an ultimatum? Why or why not? Under what circumstances?

[snow_girl]

It would depend on the circumstances. At this moment there isn't much I can think of that would require one, maybe in the future but we can usually figure out our differences without saying do this or its done.

[lucybelle]

I guess I sort of did. I told him I only wanted to be LD for 3 years max. Took 2 years before we closed the distance. He knew I meant business.

[DemonxOisin]

We´re actually quite good at talking things out that, for other couples, might be an ultimatum. We are both very... "set in our own ways" shall we say, but we decided that we wanted to be with each other more than we wanted to be unyielding. We´re reached the point that we can come to a happy medium for almost anything! (no matter how ridiculous or inconvenient the outcome may seem xD)

[kiara_silver]

nah, i wouldn't do that to my SO, i tell him how i feel, but i would never do "Its this or nothing" kind of thing. He loves and respects me enough that i never want or need to.

[MadMolly]

Drugs...

[Rosebud]

Imagine that there are a number of situations that would require an ultimatum, but they would all be so extreme I hardly imagine that there actually is a likely chance of it ever happening. As MadMolly mentioned, I know if my SO got heavily into drugs and refused to stop or accept help to find a way out, that would be a very difficult situation to be put in. Would I pull out right away? No, of course I'd stick around as long as I possibly could to try to help him, but everyone has their breaking point. Once again, the likelihood of reaching such far extremes is difficult for me to really wrap my head around as the situation would have to turn extremely dire, but I don't think it's impossible.

[MadMolly]

Imagine that there are a number of situations that would require an ultimatum, but they would all be so extreme I hardly imagine that there actually is a likely chance of it ever happening. As MadMolly mentioned, I know if my SO got heavily into drugs and refused to stop or accept help to find a way out, that would be a very difficult situation to be put in. Would I pull out right away? No, of course I'd stick around as long as I possibly could to try to help him, but everyone has their breaking point. Once again, the likelihood of reaching such far extremes is difficult for me to really wrap my head around as the situation would have to turn extremely dire, but I don't think it's impossible.

Hit the nail on the head! Ultimatums are possible but there would be unforeseen allowances you can't always predict.

[Micah]

We've never had any intense moments where ultimatums were needed. We are usually on same page with just about everything. I think I would probably only give him one under big circumstances, like drugs or any sort of addiction.

[MadMolly]

Imagine that there are a number of situations that would require an ultimatum, but they would all be so extreme I hardly imagine that there actually is a likely chance of it ever happening. As MadMolly mentioned, I know if my SO got heavily into drugs and refused to stop or accept help to find a way out, that would be a very difficult situation to be put in. Would I pull out right away? No, of course I'd stick around as long as I possibly could to try to help him, but everyone has their breaking point. Once again, the likelihood of reaching such far extremes is difficult for me to really wrap my head around as the situation would have to turn extremely dire, but I don't think it's impossible.

Hit the nail on the head! Ultimatums are possible but there would be unforeseen allowances you can't always predict.

[JennyRW]

I have never do that, I don't have the necesity of an ultimatum and to be honest I don't know if I could stick with it if I need it. It must be hard, even if it's necesary

[Moon]

Yeah, I told him if he didn't turn off Formula1 racing, I was making him watch Jersey Shore

Seriously though, I'm not much into ultimatums and try to stay away from people who'd make me feel like I needed to make one. That's an ideal situation of course, and if it became truly necessary, I guess I'd go there if I had to, but I'd have to feel like that was the absolute only option left to me.

[Haley53]

Personally I feel that ultimatums are entirely unnecessary. Do I think it's unnecessary or inappropriate to be set in your ways? When it comes to some things, no, I don't. For example, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. My partner neither smokes nor does drugs, but he has a little-moderate amount to drink on special occasions, such as birthdays or at his grad party. Based on my past, I do have significant issues with alcohol. I won't touch it, and I prefer not to talk to him if he's been drinking or is intoxicated. He's aware of this and is fine respecting this arrangement. However, this compromise was reached without an ultimatum. There was no "give up drinking or else...", for example, simply because I don't feel things need to be given up and to me, that's what an ultimatum entails.

I feel that both partners should be able to live their own lives, that living your own life enhances the life you share as a couple. I also feel that if something from one partner's life is influencing or affecting the other's, then it should be taken into consideration, brought up for discussion, and talked about until a compromise is reached. Whether the relationship is distance or domestic, so to speak, there are always going to be compromises and, more than that, sacrifices. Sometimes you're going to have to miss out on your early bed time because your partner is madly upset and needs to talk. :P Sometimes you're going to have to sacrifice this plan in order to make room for that one. And in a LDR, of course, both of your lives are going to have to change. But none of this has to involve giving something up for the other. For example, say one's partner is spending 100% of their time with their friends; although in this case, which is extreme, I would say it's proving of there being more significant issues in the relationship, this is something that could be discussed and perhaps one partner could set aside one night for the other every week. A compromise, not an ultimatum.

I honestly see ultimatums only being made in either extreme situations or in situations where one partner is so desperate for something they need/crave/desire/etc. that they feel the only way to get it is through delivering an ultimatum: desperate times call for desperate measures, in a way. Perhaps I'm cynical based on a previous relationship, where my ex delivered irrational and controlling/possessive ultimatums that led to a significant strain on our relationship, but I feel that if ultimatums are being delivered, it's time to step back and look at the relationship. Look at the problems, and look at where it's heading if those problems aren't addressed. Consider the ultimatum, what about the situation calling for the ultimatum is bothering you, etc. and really take time to think about other approaches or alternatives that you can take to finding a solution. Most everything should be able to work out with talk and compromise. Any do-or-die conditions, in my opinion, should be stated as soon into the relationship as possible, preferably before. And if the ultimatum has to do with moving, then, well, I'd question whether or not one's cut out for a LDR. :P

[Kerry]

my bf and I have such great communication and we talk everything out so I'd be surprised if I ever had to issue one. but if I ever issued one it might be over when we were going to get married- especially if I felt he was dragging his feet.

[spideybass]

I think it could possibly come into play. I feel so lost right now in my relationship. She is always busy and never gives me a straight answer. I feel like telling her if she wants to be with me, then be with me and put something into this relationship. If not, then let me go. It sounds harsh but I feel like that is the only wake to get across to her at this point.