is this really a good excuse to miss my BIRTHDAY??

[Anikinz]

so we planned to skype on my birthday evening
but all i got was a happy bday on fb
now today, his brother was on fb and i asked him to tell him to go on so i can talk to him.
anyway i was mad and told him i was, and he said that he was throwing up and his stomach hurt the last few days (like aaaalways..) so he fell asleep....
he fell asleep..
really..
do i have a reason to be mad??




k and heres a little more things i need help with but i have a feeling it might get a little long so dont feel like you have to answer this too
so we have been LD for a bit over a month
and he promised me an email every day of stuff that was happening in his life
but i he sent me almost nothing..
at one time i didnt hear from him for 2 weeks.. nothing. and i was sending him many many emails each day
then i told him how mad i was and he again promised to try to email me and be on skype more
we decided to be on skype at 7am/pms on the weekends, and then emails everyday. and if he didnt i could break up with him because i was really unhappy because of this
nothing..
then
i catch him on fb and we talk for a bit.. he apologizes again and again.. says hes busy, that its hard for him.. anyway i say that its fine but i want to see him on skype tommorow(so last night) at 7
i waited for 5hours on my birthdayyy.. and you know the rest of the story
i love him but im not happy in this relationship anymore ..it scares me
i dont know what i should do..
like the distance doesnt bother me almost at all anymore.. all i want is for him to talk to me..
help me?

[MadMolly]

Talking less might actually be better for you two, a daily email may be too much for some people.

It's sad he missed your birthday but if he was really sick there is not much you can do about it. Sometimes timing is just not good for stuff like this.

Try give him some space and see what happens - he might be a bit overwhelmed right now.

[Anikinz]

Try give him some space and see what happens - he might be a bit overwhelmed right now.

what do you mean by some space?
and i just dont understand if hes so overwhelmed and hes having a hard time in a new country then why doesnt he come home and talk to me after a hard day? i dont understand his thinking at all..

[Sharon Q]

Do you know if he has any privacy?

For my boyfriend privacy is a huge deal and at the moment he has none at all.
He bailed on me in the middle of our movie night, because he was tired, But I think it was mostly because his sister was there... I'm more than pissed. But I have yet to talk to him so I am going to discus that I need at least one night a week that we can dedicate to one another.

We don't talk as much as I would like because of the Privacy issue. On top of that he is dealing with quite a bit of stress.
So I try to be as understanding as possible.

Maybe you should give him some space ( meaning don't message him for a few days )
And then see if you two can set a date like maybe something once a week to dedicate to one another.

Also see about setting a time you two can webcam/IM/Email. at night. So he wont be busy.

[kiara_silver]

For your birthday sorry he wasn't on for you, but if he was really sick, i don't think you can get to mad, health comes first.
What are his days like? Is he out and about working or at school? How busy is he, because maybe he's tired out, when my SO has busy days he'll come on and leave a message say he loves me and night. He's just to tired to talk, which is understandable with his busy schedule, so whats yours SO's schedule like? The no talking for days or week at a time can be hard, this I know, when things get really busy we would go a few days without talking at all. And so it was hard on me, but with LDR's you kind of have separate lives, in a sense. And sometimes you do have to give space, as hard as it may be. What I found helpful and nice was talking to him, and scheduling a date together. He would look and see when he had some free time and we would make plans to spend together. So it gives you something to look forward to. And in the meantime gives him the space he needs to work or rest or whatever. Talk to him and just let it all out though, communication is key. So next time he is on, try to be understanding to his side but let your feelings be known.
Just my opinions and advice. Best of luck to you two

[Anikinz]

For your birthday sorry he wasn't on for you, but if he was really sick, i don't think you can get to mad, health comes first.
What are his days like? Is he out and about working or at school? How busy is he, because maybe he's tired out, when my SO has busy days he'll come on and leave a message say he loves me and night. He's just to tired to talk, which is understandable with his busy schedule, so whats yours SO's schedule like? The no talking for days or week at a time can be hard, this I know, when things get really busy we would go a few days without talking at all. And so it was hard on me, but with LDR's you kind of have separate lives, in a sense. And sometimes you do have to give space, as hard as it may be. What I found helpful and nice was talking to him, and scheduling a date together. He would look and see when he had some free time and we would make plans to spend together. So it gives you something to look forward to. And in the meantime gives him the space he needs to work or rest or whatever. Talk to him and just let it all out though, communication is key. So next time he is on, try to be understanding to his side but let your feelings be known.
Just my opinions and advice. Best of luck to you two

thanks for replying
but.. i haveabbbbsolutely no idea what his schedule is like because he has not told me anything.. i know nothing NOTHING about my him anymore and i just cant be in a relationship like that.
what really hurts me is that he promises all those things that never happen. then i get mad that he didnt keep his promises. then he says sorry and makes more promises. then it just keeps repeating and repeating.
if he promised me an email every week it would be hard but id accept that, its just that im expecting an email every day and i get nothing for the longest time and im always on my laptop because of the things we plan and promise to eachother but he completely erases me from his life
im just so hurt.
and i always tell him everything so from my side i dont thing communication is a problem
do you think this cycle is ever gonna end? or should we just end it...?:'(

[Anikinz]

Do you know if he has any privacy?

For my boyfriend privacy is a huge deal and at the moment he has none at all.
He bailed on me in the middle of our movie night, because he was tired, But I think it was mostly because his sister was there... I'm more than pissed. But I have yet to talk to him so I am going to discus that I need at least one night a week that we can dedicate to one another.

We don't talk as much as I would like because of the Privacy issue. On top of that he is dealing with quite a bit of stress.
So I try to be as understanding as possible.

Maybe you should give him some space ( meaning don't message him for a few days )
And then see if you two can set a date like maybe something once a week to dedicate to one another.

Also see about setting a time you two can webcam/IM/Email. at night. So he wont be busy.

i get it.. but i cant sit here and try to figure out what could be bothering him and planning everything to for him
all he tells me is that the distance is hard for him.. but if its so hard then why wont he talk to me MORE than usually??

[Sharon Q]

Maybe it makes him sadder when he talks to you :/

At this point I would just write him and let him know how you are feeling and then tell him what you would like him to do to help make you feel better with it. Like IMing you at night, calling to say I love you, dedicating one day a week to you at night when no one is around. So its just you and him.

[Anikinz]

Maybe it makes him sadder when he talks to you :/

At this point I would just write him and let him know how you are feeling and then tell him what you would like him to do to help make you feel better with it. Like IMing you at night, calling to say I love you, dedicating one day a week to you at night when no one is around. So its just you and him.

i want to do that but its just the same thing happening over and over and over again. ive told him how i felt before and we planned and promised but it didnt work out for him.
i told him how i felt again and we planned and promised again. nothing. i even told him that im so unhappy that if our relationship stays like this then i cant handle that and i want to break up.. nothing

[Minerva]

Everyone has different needs when it comes to how much interaction they want from a partner. Some people are fine with less, some need contact every day. If you skew towards needing more and he needs less, you need to find a way to compromise. But if he's not talking to you at all, and if all he does is make a bunch of promises that he then breaks, how can you figure out a compromise?

Maybe he was sick, maybe he wasn't, but since he's made breaking promises a habit, I don't blame you for being upset that he didn't make time for your birthday.

Frankly, being sick just sounds like an excuse to me. Even if I were sick, if I knew it meant a lot to my SO, I'd hope on Skype for at least a couple of minutes. Unless you're delirious or in the hospital, how hard is it to jump on the computer for just a couple of minutes? He wished you happy birthday on Facebook, right? So he managed to climb off his deathbed to go on Facebook, why couldn't he hop on Skype for a couple of minutes? And I'm not saying you should expect someone to contact you no matter how sick he is, it's just as I said, he's made disappointing you a habit, and being too sick to see you on your birthday just sounds like BS to me. Given what you've said here, I don't even know if I'd believe him.

If your needs aren't being met, and he's breaking promises to you left and right, I dunno. It's just not a good situation. You can't even find a compromise, because he makes promises instead of telling you what he needs. It just seems like he's blowing you off. And it sucks to put all your energy into something when the other person barely makes an effort.

[Anikinz]

Everyone has different needs when it comes to how much interaction they want from a partner. Some people are fine with less, some need contact every day. If you skew towards needing more and he needs less, you need to find a way to compromise. But if he's not talking to you at all, and if all he does is make a bunch of promises that he then breaks, how can you figure out a compromise?

Maybe he was sick, maybe he wasn't, but since he's made breaking promises a habit, I don't blame you for being upset that he didn't make time for your birthday.

Frankly, being sick just sounds like an excuse to me. Even if I were sick, if I knew it meant a lot to my SO, I'd hope on Skype for at least a couple of minutes. Unless you're delirious or in the hospital, how hard is it to jump on the computer for just a couple of minutes? He wished you happy birthday on Facebook, right? So he managed to climb off his deathbed to go on Facebook, why couldn't he hop on Skype for a couple of minutes? And I'm not saying you should expect someone to contact you no matter how sick he is, it's just as I said, he's made disappointing you a habit, and being too sick to see you on your birthday just sounds like BS to me. Given what you've said here, I don't even know if I'd believe him.

If your needs aren't being met, and he's breaking promises to you left and right, I dunno. It's just not a good situation. You can't even find a compromise, because he makes promises instead of telling you what he needs. It just seems like he's blowing you off. And it sucks to put all your energy into something when the other person barely makes an effort.

thank you for this. im gonna show your message to him and if i get the same im sorry ill try more next time ill message you every day thing then illl know this is not going anywhere... but then do i have to end it? :'( this is just all so freaking hard and i wouldnt care about the distance if it wasnt for him:'(

[JennyRW]

About your b-day I imagine it can be desapointing but he was sick, so you should be more understanding. Do you know how many times I celebrated my b-day one day before or one day after the real day just because for some reason (university, work, etc) we couldn't be together the real day?

About the rest, well if I were him, and you ask me to write you an e-mail every day I would tell you no way! I am too busy, I don't have time for that. I preffer to talk ver the phone or skype or something simmilar more often. For me talking help me to relax, writing requieres more effort and if you are stressed out and tired it is more like a punishment than a distraction, while talking is a distraction... So you may need to change your "rules" tell him, instead of writing every day let's skype more often, and if he feels sick or for some reason he won't make it he can send you a short e-mail so you won't be waiting for 5 hours...

The other thing is that you said you talk to him several times about this issues but you have less than 2 months together, it's too early to have communication issues and it's too early to not be happy with the relationship, so maybe it's better to just end the relationship.

[Minerva]

thank you for this. im gonna show your message to him and if i get the same im sorry ill try more next time ill message you every day thing then illl know this is not going anywhere... but then do i have to end it? :'( this is just all so freaking hard and i wouldnt care about the distance if it wasnt for him:'(

You don't have to end it with him. You also don't have to stay with him. Sorry, I don't mean to be flip, but I mean you don't have to do anything you don't really want to do.

It all depends on what's important to you and what your threshold is for this. If you're the type of person who needs a lot of communication and you're not getting it, that's important. If you're hurt by all the promises he's breaking, that's important too. But if you love him and he has other good qualities, that's just as important. You have to think: am I overreacting? Is there a good reason for his breaking promises and blowing me off? Is this unusual behaviour for him or is this his character? The thing is, as I said, if he won't have a good honest conversation about this, your real choice is just to accept this behaviour or end the relationship if it hurts too much to continue. He's taking himself out of the decision making process by being so unavailable.

You have to make a choice as to what's most important to you. We don't know the full story (no one outside of your relationship can), so you're the only one who can decide what you need to do.

[Haley53]

I'm not sure where I stand on this one. In that situation, yes, I would be extremely hurt, upset, and disappointed, but at the same time, assuming that my SO was genuinely ill, I would deal with it, and maybe plan something else for another day.

That said, you said he's having a hard time in a new country... Did he recently move? What did he move for? Work? School? Living situation? It's possible that he's telling you the truth: he really does not have the time. Depending on why he moved, on top of the fact he moved to an entirely different country, he is going to require time to get used to it. Even if he moved to a country with a culture similar to where he moved from, there are still going to be significant differences that he's going to have to get used to, he may still have legalities to take care of, and so on. If he's gone to study abroad, then it is likely he is getting settled into an academic routine. If he's gone to work, maybe he's not entirely used to the work routine yet. Although a month feels like an incredibly long time, in hindsight, it really is not that long at all, not to get settled into a new place.

He says he's trying and he may very well be. There have been times I've promised people I'd try to keep them up to date more, say, during a holiday and simply haven't been able due to being so busy and not having the time. He's giving you the same reason. He's telling you that he'll try but that he's been busy and hasn't been able to find the time. And the more things are going on, no matter how stressed out he is, the harder it's going to be for him to find the time. Some people find it incredibly comforting to have their SO's support after a long, hard, stressful day; others prefer alone time, time to wind down and relax and breathe. Some people find it hard to balance the two, and others simply don't know how to begin approaching it. But to me, it does not sound like he's being unfair.

It does sound like your needs aren't currently being met, and I think you have some things to consider. I think you can try being supportive and understanding of the fact he's just off to a new country and it's only been a month. You can try accepting the fact that it will take him some time to settle in, and it will take him some time to find a routine in which he can actually manage his new life and his relationship. Or you can decide that you can't wait for him to reach that point and you can end the relationship. Because to me, this does come across as a situation that will eventually settle down once he is settled in, but if you are unable to handle it, then I can only see it adding to his stress and to the stress of the relationship and to be completely frank, I don't think that's fair on either of you.

[Zapookie]

Don't sit around waiting for him to talk to you, because you're just wasting your time and I think you know it. Get out and do stuff to take your mind off him. I've been in that situation before, where you're constantly waiting on someone and they never show. Its very disappointing and it sucks, but you have to distract yourself.

Don't expect anything. Not even an email. Expecting things from people, again, only leads to disappointment. You'll find that if you just go with the flow and do your own thing, you'll feel a lot better about the whole situation and your mind will be clearer to make the decision as to whether you want to end this.

Just think about it... does he put in half the effort that you do?