is this considered cheating?

[PlurAnnunaki]

My SO, went to a Homecoming dance, i trusted her and everything, after homecoming dance i had no communication what so ever..

so i waited to the next day, she post a status on her facebook and i comment on it and she says "cool"

5 hours later i sent her a text message telling her if she really still loves me.. she said "yes, i miss you"

we go on to text for 10 minutes, and she told me that she slow danced with this boy.......Hearing that hurt so much... i felt like i have been cheated on...
but i thought to my self " it is a dance i should worry to much about it..

but she said that there was no spark what so ever.. and i told her it hurt me.....
then she said "i kinda felt like i was going behind your back while i did it"
after that.i really felt like i been cheated on....

i did talk to her on the phone about this.....i was so close to breaking off with her... she can feel that i was about too to....

when i told her on the phone, " i need to ask you something." i was gunna ask IS THIS GOING TO WORK OUT.

but after i said that she busted in tears saying that she was sorry for what she did...

i just wanna know your guys opinion on this...
was i being to clingy/control freak or did i even have a right to feel this way?

[snow_girl]

Dancing with someone isn't cheating. If she felt guilty about it then maybe it would have been better not to or maybe she felt like you would over react to it as you did. It is only dancing, I danced with many many boys at high school dances and it was only just a dance it didn't mean anything other then having a partner to dance with or being polite if someone asked to dance. I think you need to let this one go.

[Joyce:)]

i second that, it's not cheating. there are many people here who know that their SO is bound to go to a highschool, fraternity or sorority dance, and it would be unfair for them not to allow them to dance with a date or anyone in general. obviously when my boyfriend has a fraternity dance i wish i was the date he was taking, but i just suck it up and let him take whoever. he deserves the experiences anyone his age can have.

[11MikesGirl21]

I'm of the other opinion. Where I know that dancing is not cheating, in my mind it still crosses a line.

My boyfriend is in CAP (think ROTC for grown ups) and it does a lot stuff with his old high school's JROTC. The girl in charge of JROTC at his old high school is going to the ball they're having in honor of getting the new CAP up and running. It looks bad if she doesn't have a date, so my boyfriend may have to escort her if he can't set her up with someone. When he told me this my two rules were: no slow dances and no grinding. He said he wasn't even going to go there and would leave after dinner anyway. That part of our conversation made me feel much better about the whole situation.

Talk to her about it, make the guidelines you would like to have in your relationship clear, but I don't think one dance that she is sorry for and you feel horrible about should be what ends things between you guys.

[PlurAnnunaki]

i know its not cheating..... i told her its okay to dance with other people....

its just the part when she said " to be honest i felt like if i was going behind your back"
so that made me feel like if she thought she was cheating on me and did it anyways

[lucybelle]

Okay I apologize if I come across rude, but seriously? DANCING?? She didn't make out with a guy. She didn't sleep with a guy. My SO and I go out dancing together and we ALWAYS dance with other people. Even when LD I went out to bars and clubs all the time and I never had to "confess" to dancing. Oh my gosh. Sorry, but I find that ridiculous. Get over it. Well, in my opinion there's nothing to get over...

[Kat Marie]

Yeah, this is way extreme. Dancing? That makes me think that there's not any trust in your relationship. Even to the person who responded about setting up "guidelines" for her boyfriend - that's way too extreme when it comes to dancing. Lol. I mean, yeah, I think it goes without saying I wouldn't want my boyfriend grinding - and he wouldn't (we're, uh, really awkward nerds and probably wouldn't be anywhere where music plays that "grinding" was involved anyway) but slow dancing is fun and sweet and we're young! If you hold on too tight to someone, you aren't being loving. You need to give them room to breathe and do things, and trust in them. It sounds more like she knew you'd overreact and that's why she said she felt like she was going behind your back. Sounds like she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you. >.< That's no fun in a relationship! Trust me, I know!

[mouse411]

Yeah, I don't think you should be so upset about dancing. I know that when you're far away from someone you love, it's harder to hear that they've spent ANY time with a member of the opposite sex, but that's just life, and we have to get over it. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, because I'm sure that you feel genuinely hurt, but you have to think of it like at the end of the day, she came back to you. She's not leaving you for anyone, she doesn't have feelings for anyone else, she still loves you, and clearly she feels guilty as it is. Don't punish her any more for something that is harmless and trivial. If you broke up with her over this I would be truly shocked. There are some things worth getting upset over, and there are some things that aren't. Pick your battles wisely, because if you get upset about the little stuff all the time, your whole life will be a war. Just forgive her (like really in your heart forgive her and don't hold on to any negative feelings) and both of you should move on.

[HollzHeartsChris]

No need to worry about things if she was only dancing with the guy. I don't think I'd like it either but I'd let it go because it doesn't matter. At least she wasn't unfaithful and didn't do anything behind your back. Just let it go

[Haley53]

I'm not sure where I stand on this one, being honest.

On the one hand, yes, it was only a dance. And no, I wouldn't consider it "cheating," per se (to me, physical cheating is any form of inappropriate-while-in-a-relationship physical contact, e.g. anything you wouldn't do around/in front of your SO, and emotional cheating is any form of inappropriate-while-in-a-relationship emotional contact, e.g. again, anything you wouldn't do around/in front of your SO). But on the other hand, neither my partner nor I have done, or would do, this. He chose not to go to his Debs because he had no one to go with - though he had a "Doh!" moment realising that I did indeed happen to be visiting during the night it was held - and though I wouldn't necessarily opt out of events at my university, I would attend with friends or family/my sister if I attended at all, and would dance with them accordingly. I would likely, out of respect to my partner, whether he minded or not, though I think he would mind, choose not to dance with anyone else, and being honest, I doubt I'd have the desire to. So where I don't feel it's cheating, I do feel it's disrespectful if it has not been pre-arranged or pre-discussed.

I don't think it's worth breaking up with her over. I am assuming that since it's her homecoming, she/you are both fairly young. She did what I imagine any young person would do. I mean, even in high school, looking through the prom photos in the yearbook, you saw couples dancing with other couples and partners dancing with other partners and friends dancing with friends and so on, and that was with their partners in the room! So even if it's not for me, I imagine it's common practice for some others. In the end, she was likely enjoying her homecoming and having a good time and there was, more than likely, little more to it than that. She likely felt conflicted either because she's aware that it would hurt her feelings if the roles were reversed or she was aware it would hurt yours. I wouldn't necessarily say she's been walking on eggshells around you, but it does sound like she was torn between anticipating how you would react and having a good time and making the most of it.

Personally, I do think you have a right to feel the way you do, but I don't think it's worth ending the relationship over. You've both expressed your feelings to one another, she's apologised for it, perhaps you can apologise if you came off as controlling/possessive/etc., and then you can both work on moving on from it. She was honest about it, so it's unlikely she's anything to hide, and being frank, it probably was no more than an innocent dance. I think it's best you let this one go. If it happened repeatedly, then there's another issue, but it was the night of her homecoming. She was living it up as any teenage girl would, having fun with her friends and sharing a dance. I do not think her intentions were wrong or malicious, and I think that's what you have to consider.

[kiara_silver]

lol little things like this would make me jealous i can't help it. But I wouldn't think this is something to consider breaking up over. And she was completely honest with you. Me and my SO are different on this, as far as me I would have no desire to go out and dance with anyone if it weren't him. But my SO doesn't mind going out and dancing with friends. In the end it comes down to trust, do you trust her? I think its good you told her it hurt you, probably would have bothered me to if he was slow dancing with a girl. But at the same time it was just a dance at the end of the day its you shes in love with, so i would let it go.

[Joyce:)]

one more thing: in italy we don't really have the dances you have in america, no homecoming, no prom, nothing at all, and you get to dance only if you go to a club, but obviously there you have no pressure to bring a date or anyone.
when i first saw an american dance i was a little, mhh, surprised, since it was the first time i had seen anyone grind, and even though i'd feel funny dancing like that, i get that americans are used to it, and they don't make such a great deal out of it. and when it comes to slow dancing, you can still dance slowly without making it romantic.
I understand that her comment confused you a little, but neither of you should let dancing come in the way. trust her. let her experience high school even though you're not physically together, because the worse thing in a long distance relationship is to feel held back, since that can end with her feeling like she missed out.
you just have to realize that you feel like this because you wish you were there to share the homecoming experience, but instead someonelse got to dance with her.
She didn't cheat on you, regardless what her comments were.

[JennyRW]

Dance is not cheating and the fact that she wanted to be completely honest with you is excelent! I know her feeling, a couple of weeks ago I had plans with some friends to go out but at the end they canceled, I was the whole day studing and I felt I need to go out, but I didn't have with who, so my bf told me to stay and watch tv "together" you know over the phone... A little after a friend call me to go to a birthday in a bar with him. My bf knows this friend so I know its not big deal, I call my bf and he told me to not worry, to go out and enjoy! So I went, but the whole night I felt gilty for leaving my bf watching movies alone. So when i came back home I call my bf and I told him what I felt and he was nooo don't feel bad I know you were studing really hard so you needed to go out a little....
So the fact that your gf feels gilty doesn't mean she has bad intentions or anything it is just the fact that she would prefer to do those things with you instead of another guy

[Sharon Q]

I wouldn't consider it cheating. While I would make me a tad uncomfortable I would not consider it cheating.

I used to go to clubs with my bestie and the first time we went was after my boyfriend and I got back together.
My friend and I ran into this guy at the club who asked to dance, his English wasn't very good and we couldn't really hear him well over the music. He started " dirty dancing " with me... I with stood it so I wouldn't bum my friend ( who was also dancing with us ) out. But after a while I couldn't take it and told her I had to use the bathroom... I felt so gross I wasn't expecting the guy to rub all over me and if I had known he was going to I would have NEVER said yes to dancing with him.

I never told my boyfriend because it wasn't a big deal I got away from the guy ( who really creeped me out btw )

Needless to say I only dance with my girlfriends now.

I don't consider what your girlfriend did cheating however you have the right to be uncomfortable with this and voice your opinion on the matter. But don't lose her over one dance. Just talk it out and let her know you don't approve of it.

[DemonxOisin]

Itīs kind of a personal thing.

To me and my SO, dancing with others is totally normal, because we both love to dance, and canīt with each other. Slow dancing, club dancing, Latin, whatever. We just got to the point in our relationship where we didnīt care what the other person did, knowing that WE are in love, and trusting the other to be honest if ever something happened. Even though we are in a long distance relationship, we still have our own lives that we want to live. Itīs bad enough being so far away form him, but at least I can go out and have some harmless fun in the mean time, you know?

Obviously, because of the way that I am in my relationship, I would say that yes, you were being a LITTLE bit possessive. But also, I can understand why you felt that way. You have a right to feel however you want, but donīt let it control your relationship. I would say talk to her about it, instead of just wanting to end things. Hear her opinion. And then, based on both of your feelings, come up with some ground rules concerning that so that neither of you has to feel bad about that again. This is what is meant when people say that a healthy relationship takes work.