Did i act right, or was I a bit immature? (long post)

[Dennisb09]

Hey, been on this site for a while, but basically ive been just lurking and reading threads on occasion.
Me and my GF have been together for over a year. and Back in August we moved 5 hours apart for school.

I have two major dilemmas when it comes to our relationships. One of them which i havent voiced any concern to her yet. And im not sure when/if I should.
WHen we decided we were gonna stay together when we returned to college, I told her my fear was that the relationship was gonna be dependant on me. As in I would be the one who would have to drive to visit her everytime. (she doesnt have a car, and plays college soccer so her schedule is busy) We decided she was gonna transfer to my school after the school year. Lately shes been trying to lobby for me to transfer to her school instead. stating it would be easier on her and her family would still support us if i transfered.
Her parents are strict catholics, and basically forced her to go to a catholic university. If they were to find out she transfered to my school for me, then they wouldnt financially support her anymore.
that dilemma reinforces that Im the one having to make the sacrifices. Money on driving, money on spending the night down in her city, now transferring schools?
I live beachside 2mins away from my college, and I love it where I am, and she knows that. So it makes me mad that shed even try and lobby for my to come to her school, and leave everything I had here.


my 2nd concern, which we got into an arguement over last night involves when we talk on the phone. Sometimes when we talk on the phone, one of her soccer teammates, or roommates will blurt something out, and she'll start talking to them. And completely disregard me being on the other side of the phone. Usually I would hangup in that situation and tell her that when shes ready to talk to me, then she could call me.
--Yesterday i didnt finish my clases till 7:45pm. And i went straight to work at 8pm. I got off at 1am. She was still awaking studying with her teammates so we talked on the phone. Everything was going good until one of the teammates said something and she started talking to her. and i sat there on the phone for a couple mins just hearing her talk to her roommate. so i hungup. at this point i was tired from the day, and frustrated, so i kept forwarding her calls. so she texted me and i responded by saying
"is it annoying when i forward your calls? OK so now u know how i feel when i sit on the phone with u and half the time you talk to your teammates instead."
She responded with a "i got it'


I didnt wanna talk to her, and went to bed, and i got a text and hour later saying "Goodnight" from her




am i in a situation where its acceptable for me to get mad over these two things?
Ive never been in a LDR, and both of us having been trying to figure out all the kinks.

[Haley53]

Is it possible that she could leave the room and find somewhere more private during your phone calls? Freshman year, I was living more often at uni than I was at home, and neither my roommate nor my roommate's/my friend - who spent immeasurable time in our room - had huge amounts of respect for my phone calls, especially when I was talking with my SO. They would often interrupt or make chittery comments in the background, or they'd be on the louder end while I was trying to talk with my SO; sure, there were times they were both quiet, but they often broke these moments of silence if they overheard something that made them snap to attention. Eventually, it got to a point I had to find somewhere private to talk or I would no longer be able to speak to my SO while at university. Where I ended up going was above the stairwell; there was an extra flight of steps that led to the roof and that became the area in which I'd make my calls (it later caught on to being a private, and relatively uninterrupted, place to make them). Depending on the day and time of day, there were times I would go sit outside, as well, for additional privacy. Is it possible to suggest finding somewhere private/quiet where you two could talk? This would prevent her from being put in any uncomfortable situations, as it's possible she's insecure about asserting her need for privacy/quiet on the phone to you and therefore responds to her teammates so as to avoid being "rude," and it would prevent you from having to tolerate something that is, in the end of things, really bloody irritating.

As far as the issue of school, what year are you both? When did you make the decision that she would transfer schools, before or after you both got rooted into your colleges? The same way you're at a school that you love for the reasons you love it, she's at a school that she loves for her own reasons. She's enjoying not only an academic aspect to her schooling but she's on a soccer team and has likely bonded with several people because of it, and this is discounting any friends she's made in classes or other extra-curriculars. I can definitely see where she wouldn't want to leave the life she's created at her university, same as you don't want to leave yours. There's also the fact that her parents would no longer back her financially if she transferred; I'm assuming this means they would no longer pay for her schooling. This day and age, in this economy, financial aid... everyone seems to be scrambling for it. And student loans build up. My education is being funded by my grandfather and though I'm trying to get additional help (for the sake of his wallet), I have to say that I am beyond grateful and appreciative that he's able to pay my way through university. It does avoid me the student loans that would build up and that I would have to pay back; some people are paying them back for years after they graduate depending on their majors and careers; you may even be faced with this, and so are thus aware of how nice it would be to have someone fund your education (if you do have someone funding your education, be it parents, relatives, a scholarship, etc., then you should know how much it helps). If they're funding her extra-curriculars, text books, etc., then I can see why she'd be nervous to leave it all behind. If I was at risk at losing my academic financing for transferring schools, I wouldn't do it and I would talk to my SO about it.

That said, I don't think it's fair that she's trying to get you to transfer schools because she can't/won't, and I don't think it's fair she's leaving the burden on you. Even if she's unable to drive or bus it down to see you, she should be able to financially contribute. For example, my partner and I alternate on who pays air fare or we split the cost and divide it evenly, simply because plane fare is so expensive. For you, being 5 hours apart, the cost of gas alone adds up; this doesn't include any extra expenses, and it doesn't include your time. Driving, especially for so long, can take it out of you, especially if you're the one meeting her halfway and then carrying her the remaining steps. In my opinion, she does need to step up and take some responsibility for the relationship and not rely so much on you you you to do it for her. But I do not think she should be expected to transfer (this could, frankly, be one of those things that was planned on before she really had any idea of what college would be like for her) for you, and I do not think you should be expected to transfer for her. I think you should both talk about your unwillingness to transfer, both accept it, both agree that things have changed and you can stay at your respective universities, and focus your energies instead on finding a compromise for travel. Going back to my partner and I, I won't be able to travel there next year (or it's likely), so I'm paying his way out to see me, so that he's not stuck with $2000 worth of air fare. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to contribute some money to your trips to come see her, especially since she's unable to come see you herself and therefore pays nothing for it. A relationship is a partnership, and this is true especially for LD. I think I would talk to her and tell her about the strain that it's putting on you to always be the one to have to come see her, and talk about ways in which it could be made easier for you; let her have a chance to talk about her ideal situation, and then see if you two can't come up with a compromise between what you both need/want.

[Dennisb09]

I am a junior at my college, and she is a freshmen at hers. She actually made the decision that she would transfer to my school before we even went off to college. I didnt suggest it, nor pressure her into it. She decided on her own...
She always tells all her friends how terrible her school is, and how much she hates it. So she wants me to transfer there?


My problem with it being financially easier on her for me to transfer, is that it screws me over.
I have my job at PetCo, 2mins away from my apartment. (there is no petco withing 2 hours of her school)
her school is much more expensive, and it would put me in financial hell in order to afford to go there.


The only way I can visit her involves me missing classes, or having to take days off work. And i just dont feel im getting the same effort in return. (yes, she always calls or texts first) but its different when, like u said time and money is involved




even right now, she just texted me if i would drive to tampa (which is about 3 hours away from me) in order to come to her best friends birthday party.

[Minerva]

Sound like there's a lot of resentment building up on your side. Neither reaction you had is immature. Well... hanging up on her and forwarding all her calls is a bit immature, but it isn't childish, it's the kind of thing you do when you're fed up. You were rightfully angry, I get the response, but there was probably a better way to deal with the situation.

If you're happy where you are, don't transfer. It's that simple. And tell her you don't want to. Then tell her stop pressuring you about it. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I don't understand choosing a college based on where your SO is attending. If your school suits you and you're otherwise happy, stay there. Of course, you have to understand her situation as well -- she's between a rock and a hard place: go to her parents' choice of school or lose their support. It's not really fair to expect her to give that up. So while it sucks to be the one who has to do all the traveling, that's just the sucky situation. It's not her fault. I can understand the resentment over it, but she really doesn't have a choice. Perhaps she can help you pay for some gas money or a room when you come, or feed you. That would be the fairest thing.

As for talking to her teammates: that's just rude. Perhaps she didn't realize how much she's doing it. You have a right to be angry about it, but you should talk to her and see if now she really does get it. Tell her exactly how it makes you feel, and tell her you're not going to put up with it. It's really not too much to ask that when she's on the phone with you, she talks to you.

Like I said, I see a lot of resentment in your post, and resentment is a cancer to relationships. You need to face these issues with her head-on, because if you don't they'll eat away at you until you blow up and break up.

Take care.

[Dennisb09]

Like I said, I see a lot of resentment in your post, and resentment is a cancer to relationships. You need to face these issues with her head-on, because if you don't they'll eat away at you until you blow up and break up.

Take care.

the resentment part is true... I dont know where it suddenly came from either.


Just last week i visited her, and drove her back to her families house, and we went to her sisters wedding. And i had a great time...
like i said, i dont know where its all coming from

[HollzHeartsChris]

If you like the school you're at, don't transfer simply because she's pressuring you to. It's your decision to make, not hers. Get her to stop pressuring you and TELL her that you don't want to move full stop. As for her situation, she can't help being in a school she probably doesn't really want to. You can't help that and neither can she. You're just gonna have to accept that, unfortunately. As for talking to her team mates whilst talking to you, that's just downright rude. She shouldn't do it, and you need to talk to her about it. I can understand your anger and frustration.

[JessicaT]

1st concern:
In that situation, all I can tell you is to keep talking about it and see if a compromise can be made. I mean, where you are sounds great and if you really enjoy it there, stay there. Where she is, she's on a team playing soccer and that's great too. Maybe you guys could keep trying the LDR. And, yes, if you are the one with the car, you would be the one needing to sacrifice your time to drive there. The expense though, you guys could figure out a way to split it up. BUT, what happened to the days of chivalry? It almost never exists anymore. Sacrifice for love.

2nd concern:
Yes, when she's on the phone with you, she should pay attention to you. If there's something on the side, she should keep that brief or say "Hold on a minute" or "Ok hun, I'm going to need to call you back". But what you did just made her mad at you. Next time, answer her call and ask her not to ignore you because it makes you feel small or something of the sort.

[JessicaT]

Since you're a junior, I'm sure you guys can stick it out another year to allow you to finish after this one. Be strong!

[JennyRW]

I didn't read what everybody else wrote, but I think hung up the phone is imature and is something I don't accept. When you are talking with someone and something happen that tha person talks to another I just wait and if is a couple of minutes I say something. Latater we can discuss that what the person is doing is rude. But hung up and forwarding her calls is much more rude than that! For sure I would break up with you (And I'm really sorry for being so honest).

About her taking the desition and steps forward you moving without paying attention of your needs is not fair, I would be upset, so in this aspect you are right. This is something that you must talk with her. I know both whant to be with each other ASAP; however is unfair to force one to quit their dreams for that. I think you both can stay each on your respective colleges studing and plan to move together after graduation. It is hard, it means more LD time, but you can do it!
Good luck when you talk to her about it and I hope you will find a solucion that will make both of you really happy

[Ms.Justine]

Since you're a junior, I'm sure you guys can stick it out another year to allow you to finish after this one. Be strong!

I totally agree with this statement if you guys truly want to be together I honestly think you should stick it out for one year so that way you both get what you want and afterwards you can decide how, when are where you would like to close the distance. Until then if you guys are both stuck in your ways there's not much you can do. And all I feel is that this resentment is going to keep building and eventually will lead to a break up. Because for example if you do leave and transfer schools to be with her, I feel as though you are going to harbor some resentment which will continue to lead to more arguments and problems. And vice versa on her part.

Stick it out, I'm sure you guys can do it. Just let her know in a calm and polite fashion that she needs to be more dedicated to the relationship when it comes to phone calls and communication. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

I hope this helped c: