The Despair Thread

[kteire]

I had such a terrible day (which involved waiting at the side of the highway for 2 hours for a tow truck and burning my hand badly trying to get the hood of my car open) and I really wish Loic were here to make me feel better. I miss him so much more when I'm having a bad day, and he's the only person who always knows how to make me feel better... and because of my stupid car breaking down, I only got to talk to him for 20 minutes this evening. I hate today and I just want to be with my boy already

[Rugger]

I was afraid this would happen. We are trying to plan out October visit (which is an important month b/c our birthdays are both in October). We both can't take any more days off . He only has thursdays and fridays off and I work those days. The only weekend that kind of sort of works is Columbus day. I have the Monday off so I can go visit, but he works all three days I'd be there ( 2:30-12am). So basically I'll get less than 24 hours with him even though I'll be there three days. I'm terrified we aren't going to have anymore time for each other.

[heylittlekrissy]

Got into an argument last night with the SO and we ended up just upsetting each other; arguments suck, and so does feeling like this.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

He's been kinda forgetting about me again. I didn't hear from him for almost 2 days, so I texted him and barely heard back from him. I was just glad to know he was alive...I need to hear from him just once a day, that's all I ask for. I worry so much about him. He took the hint that I was upset and we were texting a little this morning, but I had to go to class so we decided we'll talk later. I need to really address the issue with him (again) but I won't do it until I talk to my therapist first. I'm going to talk to her in about an hour.

[Rosebud]

So upset with my own behaviour and I'm so stupid that I can't just step back from the problem and analyze it like a normal functioning human being. Instead I have to take away something that really means something to me to teach myself this lesson. It hurts but my boyfriend is the only thing to get that point across anymore. No more talking to him for the rest of the day. It's not even noon yet. I hope he can forgive me but I'm at the end of everything and this is the last thing I can possibly do to myself so I know to stop screwing up.

[Sierra]

It's the day after he left and I feel so sad without him. To make it worse, we probably won't get to talk today other than a few texts here and there. I couldn't sleep at all last night, my bed smelled like him and I kept reaching for him, trying to cuddle up but he wasn't there and then I'd get confused. I feel like there's no end to this in sight and I'm not sure how much longer I can be strong without him for.

Every time he leaves it gets worse and now I'm going out there and I already know I'm not going to want to leave. I wish this was getting easier instead of getting harder. But I love him and know it's worth it.

[Zephii]

We play D&D every Thursday (Canada's Thursday). Earlier on in the week four of us spent hours finding a program that would allow both long distance members (myself and one other) to join in.

But, for some reason it wont work for me today. So, all my mates and my SO are playing without me. And, to make that worse he probably wont bother to call me once it's over, and I'll be away until Monday and unable to skype... four nights alone. Lovely. Just when I'm getting the hang of this shit and not feeling sorry for myself something comes along to make it crap again.

[yayagrl]

I'm starting to question the validity of his words and feelings for me. Maybe it's just because I'm stressed from being broke, but I don't know. I'm not having that great of a time and it's starting to become a little futile in my head to keep doing this. I haven't talked to him in 5 days. I feel like I'm making too many excuses for him. "Maybe he lost his phone" which he does occasionally lose his phone as he isn't really a talk on the phone person, least that's what he told me. "Maybe he fell asleep" Which he occasionally does, but again at least that's what he tells me. Also I found out that he's friends again with that girl that he talked to on Facebook. So now I'm really upset and he's not answering he's phone and he currently isn't online. So if we don't work things out tonight I may be single in the morning. I'm not even sad about being single. I'm sad about how I feel like my emotions are being played with. If he loves and cares about me as much as he says he does then he needs to move his ass or he's going to miss out on a good thing.... ME.

See normally venting helps, but it hasn't been helping. I need to talk to him directly and I'm tired of holding all this stuff in.

[MadMolly]

Losing it. This is shitty.

[Sunbeam]

All my friends are getting pregnant.
I have insane baby fever.
A baby is not practical with uni, and the distance, and visa shit.
I'm losing it cause this makes me feel worthless.

[kittyo9]

Last month my friend's boyfriend from Germany came to stay with her for a month. It was so sweet. This week, my roommate's boyfriend from Turkey came to visit her and he will be here for two weeks. They have a really great relationship and it reminds me a bit of my own.

My boyfriend's visa application was rejected last Thursday and I have been under non-stop stress since then. He's so optimistic but I'm so, so terrified that he'll get denied again... and then I don't know what I'll do. How do you deal with the person you care about most being legally not allowed to visit you? I'm mad, and jealous, and frustrated, and just plain sad...

Sometimes I operate on the presumption that he WILL be issued a visa, and I go and look at plane tickets... only to get scared again because I'm not even sure he'll be able to afford a plane ticket by the time he can buy one. They'll just keep going up in price and I can only pray that the three week rule comes through for us.

[Neme]

My SO is from New Zealand with the goal of moving here to the U.S. to find a job. He would stay with me during that time with the expectation that he would find a job anywhere in the U.S. The plan was that he would come here in March 2012. Like you Kitty, I have been living under a presumption and silly me should know better. We both should have researched Visa's for the U.S. to find that this really wouldn't work. He has to already have a job lined up in the U.S. with a company willing to dish out money to sponsor his Visa. There are plenty of qualified U.S. applicants so that's out of the question. Ultimately he would have to go for his Master's or we get married. Marriage is not something either of us are ready for nor would I want to marry for a Visa. That leaves school but he just finished, wants a break and get some field experience. So...that leaves visits which are expensive for our distance. $1500 for a roundtrip flight...ugh.

Given that we just realized all this on Friday, I really wanted to spend more time with him this weekend as I have been so upset. I have cried all weekend and he acts like it's nothing and not a big deal. We decided to play an online game with friends so the minute I actually get to spend a decent amount of time with him, he gets upset with how the game is going and logs off to read a book to calm down, so I spent a total of 15 minutes with him. He apologizes later, we watched a movie this morning but I'm still upset about how he took it out on me.

[Haley53]

My MoD:

The entire situation that I'm in. The doubt that I have. The fear. The hurt. The anger. It's all normal but I'm convinced he and I don't see this in the same way. I never saw "I love you" as something exes say; he doesn't see me as an "ex." I stopped updating a very girlfriendy blog 6 days ago, around the time he decided he could not, at this point, commit to a relationship; he noted this and started worrying over it. He feels sad when I feel scared/nervous to show affection and doesn't seem to understand why I'm not. The other night he felt horrible and scared because he felt like I didn't mean what I'd said on the blog/what I used to say anymore because things (meaning our label) changed. So many people have told me that the label does not change what we are, that removing the label removes an added pressure off his shoulders, and I can see that.

But I can feel my levels of frustration rising. I've been waking up each morning for nearly a week with the pain of heartbreak physically in my chest, and I keep sitting here wondering why the hell do I feel this way? Why the hell can't I be comforted by his affections and words and promises that he still loves me? Why the hell do I feel like I can't get over the fact he shattered each "nothing will change" promise? But then I feel like I'm projecting that anger, because I'm not angry at him for his decision; I'm angry at me for being stupid and naive enough to believe him when he said nothing would change. But nothing really has changed, has it? Hell, he's still wearing the symbol of commitment I sent to him, moreso than I'm wearing mine. But I feel damaged and sad. And my mood fluctuates depending on the day and the time of it. And I know I'm not being fair and that's what kills me. I know that I should not be as angry and hurt and overwhelmed with suspicion and mistrust as I am, especially in a situation that doesn't warrant it, because this is not a typical situation. I know that I am letting the abandonment issues that have been rooting themselves in my core since childhood get the better of me and at times, my behaviour. I know that if I don't work on myself, I'm going to lose him, and that's what scares me, because I don't know how.

[Zapookie]

I feel so lost and alone right now. My SO is across the pacific ocean and I don't know when I will get to see him again. I feel like my friends don't want to be around me anymore because they know I've been missing him since he left 3 weeks ago. I feel that they don't want to have to deal with me while I'm all emo and whatnot. All I really need right now is someone who will listen, but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I'm usually the one who does the listening.

I feel really useless because I don't have a job right now and I'm still waiting to see whether I was accepted into my local college. I feel like I'm in limbo and it makes me really uncomfortable.

[Sunbeam]

My best friend wants to skype my boy today during the only time he and I can skype.
What makes her think she is so important? afdjklfjknm. I'm frustrated at her.