Two Questions:

[DemonxOisin]

Honestly, I should probably just talk to a shrink about all of this lol, but I like you guys more :P

When me and my SO broke up last march, he slept with another woman. Who is absolutely crazy about him. And didn´t tell her about me until afterwards. He continued to hang out with her for a couple of months after because they both had the same group of friends (Though never just the 2 of them), however he has now moved to a new city, and probably will never see her again.

Anyways, I don´t want to hear anyone suggest breaking up with him, because this was a long time ago, and we´ve worked through it. He made it clear to me that this only happened because he missed sex with me, and she was willing... (She is freakishly like me btw.) And while that doesn´t make him sound that great, we were in an open relationship at the time. I´ve even talked to this girl. She apologized and said that nothing will EVER happen between her and him again. And I forgave her.

Anyways, For the most part, I´m pretty well over it. I have completely forgiven him for it. And I know that something similar will not happen again, as he is incredibly guilt ridden over it. He still cries if I bring it up today. Today though, I stumbled across this girls youtube channel. I´m not sure why, but my android showed me ALL of her playlists, even the ones she has on private :S Let´s just say, it´s very clear that what my SO did really hurt her. It seems that she REALLY liked him :S

I can´t help feeling incredibly guilty about this. How can I fix this? With both of them. She´s a nice kid, and she didn´t know...

On another note, my last boyfriend left me for a girl he constantly insisted was "just a friend" and had no remorse what so ever. He was a terrible boyfriend to me, and I know that my SO is different, and completely worth it. Despite this, my mind keeps wandering back to that, and it is making it difficult for me to get back the complete trust I once had for him. How can we work together as a couple to fix this?

Thanks guys, love you all in advance.

[snow_girl]

I think there is always that risk of someone getting hurt in an open relationship and you should know what you are getting into before you agree to it. If it happened over a while ago, then it sounds like she needs to move on. Are you sure these are new playlists? Can you be certain these songs are not for someone else shes met since him? You have nothing to feel guilty about. It is probably something she has to work on herself. Your bf is not your ex, I know its easy to think that if it happened once it might happen twice but talk to him and tell him how you feel. Is this girl still in his life?

[DemonxOisin]

We knew the risks when we entered an open relationship. We broke up for separate reasons (hence him missing me.) This was such a disaster mostly because of all the emotions involved in the whole situation. Her liking him, him trying to make it up to her for what he did, (which obviously caused quite a balance issue; trying to be nice to her, while trying to prove to me that she is nothing to him)

She is ...barely in his life now. They are "facebook friends", if you understand what I mean by that lol.

I´m quite sure they are about him. I know that he had talks with her a couple of times over the past few months about how I am his girlfriend, and he would never leave me for her. The playlist is called something like My life during *the time of this happening* and all the songs on it are about "hurting from being the other woman". Some are quite recent.

For the record, March was when this incident first occurred, so it[s been about 6 months. Which, I guess is extensive, but I understand her. Like I said, it seems as though she REALLY liked him.

[DemonxOisin]

I´m not even sure if guilt is what I feel... I´m just uncomfortable with the situation between them. I mean, god, she must hate me. I wish I could make things better.

I totally need a time machine.

[snow_girl]

Hmm I think other then going to her and saying you are sorry for everything that happened....which might fall on deaf ears there isn't much you can do. She will get over it, as everyone does from heart ache, just know you are not a bad person and this isn't any of your fault!

[Minerva]

I don't know. I'm not sure this is one of those situations you can make better. If she really fell for your SO, his girlfriend apologizing for what happened probably won't make her feel better. I'm a big believer in admitting when you're wrong and being liberal with the apologies, but in some cases, it's best to let it go. This was a really sad, unfortunate situation, and all parties were hurt. She's hurt the worst because that's what happens in a love triangle -- one person is always hurt more than the other two.

I honestly don't think your SO did anything terribly wrong. He wasn't cheating on you, and it sounds like he turned to this girl because he was sad over you, which is a very human thing to do. If he led her on in any way, that wasn't the best, but sometimes we aren't at our best when we're hurting.

You've also done nothing wrong, and you don't need to feel guilty about anything. I doubt this girl hates you.

This girl need to work through her broken heart on her own, like everyone does. Hopefully she has friends and family to support her. She will get over it. There really isn't anything you can do to help her with it. All you can do is console yourself with the fact that these feelings do eventually fade, and she'll move on. You should as well, for the sake of yourself and your relationship.

Good luck and *hugs*

[Haley53]

Minerva hit the nail on the head here.

At 16, I met someone online who I soon became infatuated with, and he me. We had a month and a half of summer to flirt and be merry with one another, essentially, until school started up. By the time it did, neither of us were, supposedly, interested in even looking for anyone else. A month of university goes by and he becomes more and more distant from me, and it turns out he'd found a girlfriend, "his first." I was devestated, but at the same time, willing to be friends with the lad for the sake of the fact I did care for him and I was happy he was happy, but then things changed. Though I never gave in to being the "other woman," it certainly felt like I was when he would try making advancements on me. At one point, I said, "don't you have a girlfriend?" and all he said in response to that was "shit." No, he wasn't happy at the time, and it seemed like he was with her for the sake of being with someone (which later became my role, between his girlfriends), but he was still with/in a relationship with her and as much as I loved and cared for him, I wasn't going to interfere with that. That doesn't mean it didn't still hurt.

It sounds like this is something that's happened here. You and your boyfriend were in an open relationship at the time and maybe did not think about the long-term consequences of being in one if ever you were to go back to a state of monogamy. You said he didn't tell her about you until after what happened. Already, that's a knee to the junk, really. :P And then you get back together, and though that's great for the both of you, for her, it's more or less like adding salt to the wound. And it's a recent wound, too, 6-months is not that long ago to still feel betrayed, taken advantage of, like the other woman, etc. But the thing is is that this is a wound she's going to nurse herself, and I'm not sure if your apology would help and it may even make things worse for her. I say this simply because I can imagine if one of the girls of the lad I mentioned earlier came and apologised to me or tried speaking to me about it, though I wouldn't be cruel about it, I'd wonder why she was speaking to me (not only would she, and neither you, NOT have a reason to apologise, but it'd feel like having my face rubbed in a business I didn't want to deal with, really) and probably feel like she was interfering where she didn't belong, even if she had the best of intentions. I can't say everyone would feel like this, but in my state of emotional vulnerability back then, I imagine that's probably how I would have felt.

As Minerva said, she will move on from this and I think it best that you work on that, too, as it really is going to be the best thing for your relationship. When you ever start to worry or wonder, remind yourself that it was not cheating due to the circumstances of your relationship at the time and your boyfriend, too, was very vulnerable! Some people crave that sort of thing when feeling vulnerable or on the rebound (not that an open relationship = rebound, but I can see where he might seek out someone's comfort during that time), and some people simply opt for it because it's there and what they really want/need is not. Depending on who initiated the break-up, this vulnerability may or may not have been more raw and tender. It sounds like he acted human, frankly, and did nothing wrong given the circumstances. You two are together now, committed and monogamous, and have decided to remain that way, and I think I would do my best to trust his loyalty, else it'll take a toll on the current relationship.

Chin up. <3

[Rugger]

You have no reason to feel guilty. You were in no way responsible for what your SO did while you were in an open relationship. It's not your fault that he hurt her and really, I doubt it was his intention to. If it's been awhile, she may already be working to get over your SO, because she knows there is no way it would work out between them. Honestly, I would just leave it alone.

As far as the second part goes, he is not your ex. Judge your boyfriend against only your boyfriend. I've had a hard time with this as well. Before I was with my current, I was with a guy who was emotionally abusive towards me. He hurt me very badly, and there are times I feel myself pulling away from my current because I'm afraid he's going to hurt me too. Then I realize that he is NOT Rich, and I have no reason to be afraid.

[lucybelle]

You have no reason to feel guilty. You were in no way responsible for what your SO did while you were in an open relationship. It's not your fault that he hurt her and really, I doubt it was his intention to. If it's been awhile, she may already be working to get over your SO, because she knows there is no way it would work out between them. Honestly, I would just leave it alone.

This. I mean I'm going to sound like the mean one here, but you don't know this girl and have nothing to do with her. You have no responsibility to "make it up to her". She'll get over it. Life moves on. I mean was this only one time? Seriously. My SO and I were in an open relationship and we both slept with other people. And everyone moved on. The end.

[DemonxOisin]

And this is why I came here.
Thank you all so much. I read and loved all the comments, and I´m feeling a lot better now. New I could count on you! <3

[JennyRW]

This is not your fault, poor girl but that is not your responsability, so don't worry about it!
about trusting your bf, just time... With time and his actions during the time will show you you can trust 100% in him, there is no other way

[DemonxOisin]

UPDATE:

Well, my trust is back. He wrangled it out of me :P Him having barely enough time to eat any more this year kind helped, I won´t lie :P But I´m over it, and our relationship is stronger than ever. Also, I´m just starting to talk to said ex again. Maybe we can work things out and be friends again like old times, before we tried the disaster that was dating :P

AND more importantly, with the girl... We are currently planning to have a nice long, honest talk one day with each other about everything that happened. She actually suggested it! We are both so alike, and we both wish we could have met under different circumstances, because we really like each other as people. So we want to both be able to put the past behind us :3 I´m super happy about that!

[Ms.Justine]

I know this sounds super harsh - but boo hoo! He's your man not hers. She got a one time taste and it proved to not be enough. So you have NO reason to feel guilty at all. The better woman won...OH-RA! Sorry if i'm sounding super manly, but it's the truth don't feel bad he's your man.

[DemonxOisin]

Haha thanks Ms., I needed to hear that :P