Announcement

**kteire** · September 26, 2011, 01:01 PM

This reminds me of a thread that was in the anonymous section... I'm sorry to say that I think it raises definite red flags that he's not wanting you to see his activity. If he's not wanting you to see his friends and his wall, he's definitely hiding something. Whether or not he's cheating, he is definitely lying to you about something. Are the women he's adding people he actually knows, or new acquaintances? Or would he even have told you that? He should have no reason to hide his friends from you and have people that he won't allow you to know.

**floridaellen** · September 26, 2011, 01:05 PM

My SO and I are friends on Facebook but we're not listed as in a relationship with each other. I think he should add you on Facebook. It's rude of him to keep so much of himself private I think.

**Sierra** · September 26, 2011, 01:05 PM

My boyfriend doesn't have Facebook, so we don't have to deal with things like this, but I would be extremely hurt by his actions if he did this to me.

Do I know why he could be doing this? Honestly, I can come up with some reasons. Maybe you're jealous and can't handle seeing him being friends with females. This can destroy a relationship. Maybe he has something to hide. For me, if I was put in this situation I would be convinced he was hiding something. However, from what you've said, I kind of believe this could be your own insecurities eating away at your relationship and his extreme reaction to this, has ruined the trust you have in him.

There has to be trust in a relationship, if there is no trust, it just isn't going to work out.

It is important that he has his own friends, just as it's important that you have your own. Facebook isn't the end all, know all of the world, but I think that if you wanted this relationship to work out you need to respect his boundaries and he has to open up a little bit to get you to trust him. However, I don't think expecting to be friends with all his friends is reasonable.

**snow_girl** · September 26, 2011, 01:08 PM

You say you are breaking up but then go on to talk about your future together, so are you together or not? Facebook doesn't create problems the insecure people in the relationship do. I wouldn't want my bf as a fb friend if he criticized or questioned every person I talked to or came in contact with. I also think it would be weird if my SO wanted to be friends with the people on my friends list. I think you need to deal with the insecurities, in a world without facebook you wouldn't know who all his friends were or what he said to them so think of it like that. If you think he may be cheating you need to talk to him about it in person.

**Miramaid** · September 26, 2011, 01:21 PM

Originally posted by snow_girl View Post

You say you are breaking up but then go on to talk about your future together, so are you together or not? Facebook doesn't create problems the insecure people in the relationship do. I wouldn't want my bf as a fb friend if he criticized or questioned every person I talked to or came in contact with. I also think it would be weird if my SO wanted to be friends with the people on my friends list. I think you need to deal with the insecurities, in a world without facebook you wouldn't know who all his friends were or what he said to them so think of it like that. If you think he may be cheating you need to talk to him about it in person.

I once received a message on Fb from a girl who wrote to me that he was cheating on me. There is no way one will honestly come out and say "yes I am cheating on you". I know he won't.
We are not together and not officially broken up. It is up to me at this point.
He would rather break up with me than let me be his FB friend. Yes I may have insecurities, but I do not think it is wrong to be able to ask him about his FB friends and ask who they are. And me saying "i want to be friends with his friends" did not have a meaning that i want to add all of his friends to my friends list! I meant in real life i would like to meet them if I have a chance, be introduced, be able to talk to them. I do not want a man who has a bunch of female friends that he talks on Fb and may be meets for coffee and i do not ever ask him about them, not allowed to ask, not allowed to try to be friends with them when I am visiting and if we meet. If they are truly his friends, he should have no reason to hide them from me and to allow us to become friends in real life as well. If it happens - it happens. if it doesn't it doesn't.
He is insecure about my facebook too, but there was not a single ocassion when I blocked him and did not let him see something on there regardless of how uncomfortable i was

**snow_girl** · September 26, 2011, 01:35 PM

I think you have your answer of whether you should stay together. Find someone that is open to you completely. If he is hiding it to that much of an extent then even with some insecurities that isn't right.

**Minerva** · September 26, 2011, 01:41 PM

You're in Schrodinger's relationship.

Facebook isn't your problem. Lack of trust, insecurity, and dishonesty are your problems. Facebook just brings it out. I would never put up with my boyfriend blocking me from Facebook, but then again, I'm fine with him talking to other women and I trust him. He's never given me reason not to.

**Sierra** · September 26, 2011, 01:44 PM

Originally posted by Miramaid View Post

I once received a message on Fb from a girl who wrote to me that he was cheating on me. There is no way one will honestly come out and say "yes I am cheating on you". I know he won't.
We are not together and not officially broken up. It is up to me at this point.
He would rather break up with me than let me be his FB friend. Yes I may have insecurities, but I do not think it is wrong to be able to ask him about his FB friends and ask who they are. And me saying "i want to be friends with his friends" did not have a meaning that i want to add all of his friends to my friends list! I meant in real life i would like to meet them if I have a chance, be introduced, be able to talk to them. I do not want a man who has a bunch of female friends that he talks on Fb and may be meets for coffee and i do not ever ask him about them, not allowed to ask, not allowed to try to be friends with them when I am visiting and if we meet. If they are truly his friends, he should have no reason to hide them from me and to allow us to become friends in real life as well. If it happens - it happens. if it doesn't it doesn't.
He is insecure about my facebook too, but there was not a single ocassion when I blocked him and did not let him see something on there regardless of how uncomfortable i was

Adults are allowed to have friends without facing the grand inquisition about them. You need to accept this and if he does allow you to be his Facebook friend, not ask him a million questions about it or basically stalk him on Facebook. This is because of YOUR insecurities. If he does have female friends so be it. He can go out with them, and while yes, he shouldn't have to hide anything, he shouldn't have to answer a million questions about everyone he's friends with to make you feel secure.

To be honest, I can be insecure and quite jealous, but I keep it to myself. Why? Because it's IMPORTANT that my boyfriend have his own set of friends, because I need to show him that I TRUST him, and because being insecure and jealous is an ugly, ugly thing. My boyfriend does a very good job at settling down my insecurities and making me feel comfortable, and safe in our relationship.

It sounds like you guys really need to communicate if you want to have this relationship continue. Tell him that you're insecure about the women he's friends with on Facebook because of the message you received and then his further blocking you has made you even more insecure and it's something you'd like to work on. You can do this by asking him to readd you on Facebook but promise him that you won't let your jealousy or insecurity go out of control. If he says all you guys were doing was fighting about Facebook in the first place, realize it's something that you need to not do anymore if you want to be friends on Facebook and thus be secure in your relationship.

If he'd rather end your relationship than be friends on Facebook, I hate to say it, but end your relationship. This is a really petty thing in the first place, and while it's lead to HUGE issues in your relationship, why are you putting up with silly shenanigans?

**HollzHeartsChris** · September 26, 2011, 01:51 PM

I don't like what your SO is doing on Facebook. Your own SO would block you on Facebook and refuse to add you? To me, that just makes no sense to me. It sounds to me as though he has something to hide. Either that, or he's incredibly insecure. I'm sorry Miramaid, I think you would be better off with someone who isn't going to hide things from you and will treat you right.

I hope things work out better for you soon.

**Haley53** · September 26, 2011, 01:53 PM

It's possible he's cheating or it's possible he's having a hard time dealing with your insecurities.

Personally, if someone had an issue with my adding male friends on FB or with my having contact - sometimes regular - with male friends, I would likely have an issue trusting them to be a part of FB for me to begin with, simply because that would be one of my greater pet peeves in a relationship. This is coming from someone who's loyal as a dog and who has never come close to cheating in either this relationship or her past relationship, simply from someone who watched their father control their mother to the point they promised they would never allow any man (or woman) to control them like that either. If my partner tried to add/talk to every male friend I did, I imagine I would be irked. Not only do I believe in having separate friends - it's important for him to have them, too - as well as mutual friends, but I would know his true intentions for adding them/trying to be friends with them. I'm curious as to if your true intentions really have to do with meeting his friends and becoming friends with them for the sake of sharing in that part of his life or if it's a way of getting to know them, see what they're like, what their relationship to him is, etc. Keep your friends close but enemies closer, aye?

In his position, I would worry about your eagerness to be so involved, especially accompanied by so much paranoia and suspicion. I have had people try and control who I've hung out with by first raising an issue about it and by then attempting to become close with them, as well. I have nothing to hide and would have absolutely no issue introducing them, but this opinion might change if I thought my partner were checking up on me. Perhaps he's the same and is tired of dealing with the conflict it's caused, and he doesn't want to risk it happening in the future.

That said, I'm not going to say it's not suspicious or that it's not unhealthy behaviour. Whether it's a response to your issues with his female friends or a result of his doing something illict, I'm not entirely sure. For him to get suspicious and paranoid brings a red flag to mind, simply because this sounds like the theory of projection to me. If you've given him no reason to be suspicious in the past, especially if you'd freely add him to your FB, then perhaps he's projecting his suspicious activity onto you. If he's been known to cheat or cross boundaries in the past, either in your relationship or in past relationships, this is also something to think about. But again, with that said, if you're neither together nor split apart, he may not feel obligated to remain monogamous to you.

I would honestly list out all the issues you see in the relationship, and then have a sit down with him. Ask him if he really wants to make this work, not if it's still "up to you," but if he wants to make it work, with or without FB. If he says yes, then ask if you can discuss some issues you've made note of; have him make note of the issues he sees as well. I do think that, assuming he's not cheating (also pay close attention to your gut on this one!), this relationship is salvageable, but it can't be left up to you or to him. He can't say "oh it's up to you if we stay together." You both have to be willing to make the relationship work, and put in the significant amount of work it may take to fix it. It will, in my opinion, require both work together and individual work, such as him working on the aggression/passivity I see here, and you working on your issues with jealousy and possession.

**andrewcarlson1** · September 26, 2011, 02:58 PM

Personally, Facebook just caused drama. That's why I deleted mine indefinitely. I don't need a Facebook and if my SO wants to know what I'm up to, all she has to do is ask.

I don't creep on her Facebook because I don't see the need to constantly know what she's doing. I trust her.

I never liked how Facebook caused drama due to what my friends would write on my wall/I wouldn't tell them to stop. If people want to know what I'm up to, it's called giving me a phone call or send me a quick email. Come back to actual communication instead of stalking my every move without talking to me/jumping to assumptions.

She also deactivated her Facebook. Only for a month though but I'm off it for good. Just because the SO doesn't want you on the Facebook doesn't mean he is cheating on you. Maybe they are just sick of the drama it causes and to just get rid of the problem indefinitely.

**Miramaid** · September 26, 2011, 07:28 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

If my partner tried to add/talk to every male friend I did, I imagine I would be irked. Not only do I believe in having separate friends - it's important for him to have them, too - as well as mutual friends, but I would know his true intentions for adding them/trying to be friends with them. I'm curious as to if your true intentions really have to do with meeting his friends and becoming friends with them for the sake of sharing in that part of his life or if it's a way of getting to know them, see what they're like, what their relationship to him is, etc. Keep your friends close but enemies closer, aye?

As I said above, I never would have added them or talk to them on FB. Never done it never would. But if I am visiting my SO and I say "How about we invite so and so for a game night?". I think it is a normal request EVEN if my intentions are to look at that girl and "know my enemies" (which is partially true). But if he has nothing to hide, there should not be a problem answering questions who she is and how they know each other AND if they ever had anything more than a friendship. AND there is nothing wrong in wanting to MEET his friends (not on FB, but in person). YEs it is important to have your own friends and me meeting them will not automatically make them my friends as well. But just like u introduce your SO to your friends, I want to be introduced to his female friends as well. Not to mention I think his FB should say that he is in a relationship with ME. Yes, call it insecurity, but he has a history of cheating and I have received a message about a year ago from a girl saying he cheated. So my paranoia can be eliminated by showing me a different behavior that he REFUSES to show saying that he doesn't trust me and that he doesn't want to deal with the stress FB causes due to my interest about his where about with females (NOTICE: I actually keep 90% of my insecurities INSIDE and do not tell him unless smth big occurs).

**Haley53** · September 26, 2011, 07:40 PM

Originally posted by Miramaid View Post

As I said above, I never would have added them or talk to them on FB. Never done it never would. But if I am visiting my SO and I say "How about we invite so and so for a game night?". I think it is a normal request EVEN if my intentions are to look at that girl and "know my enemies" (which is partially true). But if he has nothing to hide, there should not be a problem answering questions who she is and how they know each other AND if they ever had anything more than a friendship. AND there is nothing wrong in wanting to MEET his friends (not on FB, but in person). YEs it is important to have your own friends and me meeting them will not automatically make them my friends as well. But just like u introduce your SO to your friends, I want to be introduced to his female friends as well. Not to mention I think his FB should say that he is in a relationship with ME. Yes, call it insecurity, but he has a history of cheating and I have received a message about a year ago from a girl saying he cheated. So my paranoia can be eliminated by showing me a different behavior that he REFUSES to show saying that he doesn't trust me and that he doesn't want to deal with the stress FB causes due to my interest about his where about with females (NOTICE: I actually keep 90% of my insecurities INSIDE and do not tell him unless smth big occurs).

Like I said, my opinion changes entirely if he has a history of cheating. Quite frankly, I am a firm believer in once a cheater, always a cheater, and if he's subjecting you to such suspicious activity and acting as he has been, I wouldn't put it past him, really. What credit do you attribute to the girl who told you he was cheating? Is she a mutual friend, only a friend of his, the girl he was supposedly cheating on you with... ?, as that would likely factor into my opinion as well.

EDIT: I also want to add that in no way did I mean to offend you. I apologise if I misread anything in your thread. I'm simply trying to offer potential perspectives depending on his history and the circumstances at hand.

**uniquefem** · September 26, 2011, 11:26 PM

I had Facebook and my SO doesn't have it. He doesn't like it because its too open. He even told me to close it. He never ask me whos on my friend list or what i do.

We just chat at night or leave msg or skype. He say that would be enough.

If my SO ever had FB and he block me from his account i would be questioning about that. But for me.. i rather not to know too much things that he never told me. So far he told me anything i want to know, he will answer my question. And i trust him (maybe i am too naive

)

Long distance have to based on faith that the other person is being honest all the time. If not then it wont work

Announcement

anyone else is NOT on your SOs Facebook or doesnt want your SO on yours?

anyone else is NOT on your SOs Facebook or doesnt want your SO on yours?

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