Finding it hard to talk to him again.

[megfashion]

he passed in february

[Sierra]

How recently did his father pass away? I'm sorry, but sometims with situations that are really painful like that people can react in violent ways even if it means they don't care if they're taking it out on people they care about. It's a process of grieving and perhaps he just needs some time alone to collect himself and get his life back on track and he may be having issues seeing the larger picture right now. When someone dear to me passed away I flat out told my boyfriend we should just break up and I know I wasn't very kind to him through the ordeal, but my mind was on other things and the hurt and even though it wasn't right of me he understood my pain and stuck by me, and gave me the space I needed.

I want to say, the death of a parent can really strongly effect a person and their ability to relate to others. February is not that long ago. I have a friend who is STILL coping with the loss of her mother TWO YEARS ago. I've seen many relationships end because of the death of the parent and the other person just not understanding or knowing how to be supportive.

THAT BEING SAID, I do not think the way he is treating you is fair. I don't understand your counselor saying that his verbal abuse may lead to YOU being physically abusive, but I do know that verbal abuse can easily escalate into physical abuse down the line.

I've also noticed that in relationships, around the two year mark, people start to show their real colors.

I'm not going to jump on board with everyone else and say leave him, mostly because I have witnessed the stress losing a parent has put on more than one of my friends -- the relationships it's destroyed, and I understand the stress involved there. No, losing a parent does not give him the right to treat you badly, but it sounds like he really doesn't act this way typically and is apologetic for his actions.

If he's making you afraid, don't stay with him, but if you think he's acting like a different person, and he's saying he's under a lot of stress, I would probably give him more lenient here than I would someone else who just started acting like this out of the blue.

I would encourage you to take a step back, maybe take a break for awhile, see if he changes -- especially if he knows how much this is hurting you. LISTEN to his reasons for acting this way. There IS a difference between abuse that is/will become ongoing and abuse from someone who is under a ton of stress and probably still grieving.

Again, I'm going to say, what worries me is that you said you were really afraid. You shouldn't feel that way and I'm glad you expressed how you feel to him. If YOU feel like leaving him is what's best for you, leave him, however, not everyone who is verbally abusive at times, or when under a GREAT deal of stress, is an actual long term abuser.

Follow your heart and protect it at the same time. If you don't protect your heart nobody else will.

[Minerva]

I'm going to be the contrary opinion.

If this isn't his nature, that's something to consider. No, it's not OK that he's abusing you (and that's what it is). But this behaviour is out of character, and it's only been since his father passed, you can work through this with him on two conditions: 1. That you BOTH want to work on it (you have to be willing to put up with the hurt and he has to be willing to work on his issues and you both feel the relationship is worth it), and 2. That you establish and agree upon ground rules for his behaviour. He CANNOT continue to abuse you. He's in therapy, yes? That's a good step. You may need to back off to protect yourself, but you can still be there for him.

However, if the pain you're going through is more than you can bear (and it's ok if it is, you're under some pretty strong emotional abuse), then do get out.

I just think given the circumstances, this can be saved if he does the hard work to deal with his issues.

Edit: I was typing this up before Sierra posted, but she beat me to it. And she said it better than I.

[Haley53]

I want to say, the death of a parent can really strongly effect a person and their ability to relate to others. February is not that long ago. I have a friend who is STILL coping with the loss of her mother TWO YEARS ago. I've seen many relationships end because of the death of the parent and the other person just not understanding or knowing how to be supportive.

THAT BEING SAID, I do not think the way he is treating you is fair. I don't understand your counselor saying that his verbal abuse may lead to YOU being physically abusive, but I do know that verbal abuse can easily escalate into physical abuse down the line.

I've also noticed that in relationships, around the two year mark, people start to show their real colors.

I'm not going to jump on board with everyone else and say leave him, mostly because I have witnessed the stress losing a parent has put on more than one of my friends -- the relationships it's destroyed, and I understand the stress involved there. No, losing a parent does not give him the right to treat you badly, but it sounds like he really doesn't act this way typically and is apologetic for his actions.

If he's making you afraid, don't stay with him, but if you think he's acting like a different person, and he's saying he's under a lot of stress, I would probably give him more lenient here than I would someone else who just started acting like this out of the blue.

I would encourage you to take a step back, maybe take a break for awhile, see if he changes -- especially if he knows how much this is hurting you. LISTEN to his reasons for acting this way. There IS a difference between abuse that is/will become ongoing and abuse from someone who is under a ton of stress and probably still grieving.

Again, I'm going to say, what worries me is that you said you were really afraid. You shouldn't feel that way and I'm glad you expressed how you feel to him. If YOU feel like leaving him is what's best for you, leave him, however, not everyone who is verbally abusive at times, or when under a GREAT deal of stress, is an actual long term abuser.

Follow your heart and protect it at the same time. If you don't protect your heart nobody else will.

I completely agree.

Yes, there's verbal abuse, and then there's saying horrible, what-could-be-considered-abusive things based on external (envrionmental) circumstances, and if he's currently still working through the loss of his father, then I do think there should be some tolerance or lenience. Note that I bolded some. For example, when my grandmother passed away, my mother more or less lost her ability to function (they were incredibly close) for a good couple years. She fell into a lot of nasty habits and did not take responsibility for a lot of harsh words and/or nasty behaviours. I'm still not sure if this was because she simply couldn't recognise them or because she genuinely felt she'd done nothing wrong and that everyone else should have been more understanding, but either way, this pattern and these incidents continued for around 2-3 years; though it was her revelation on realising my father was as abusive as he was that led to their divorce, I do think that their arguments had, in part, something to do with it, and they were significantly worsened this time simply due to everything she was going through. Even eight years later, she has difficulty coping with it; it does not hurt as much as it used to, and she has made her way out of the aforementioned behaviours and habits, but it still hurts. In comparison, with your partner, it's only been since February, so it's only been about 8 months.

I am in no way saying his behaviour is okay, but if it has been an issue since his father passed on, then there may be a reason for it; there may be more to it than he's simply an abusive type and abusive personality. Even I have snapped and said things I haven't meant - haven't we all? Regardless of what the words actually are, it's not like we've never spoken out of rage, hostility, upset, etc. and it's not like we've never had a short fuse lit under our arses because of something that's been going on in our lives. The actual intention matters more than the exact wording, and I think anyone who says they've never ever said anything out of anger or because of pent-up emotions from an outside circumstance are flat-out kidding themselves - my relationships with my friends, family, partner, etc. all tend to be very, very strong. This is despite the fact I have said things that have been said impulsively and without thinking them through, despite the fact I have said things that have hurt and have heard things that have hurt... In my opinion, it is only human.

With that said, there are a couple things that need to be sorted here. For one, he does need to be able to accept responsibility for his actions or, if he's incapable of doing this in his current state of mind (my mother was for a while, as I stated), he does need to be willing to work on finding better ways to cope with his emotions or deal with them as opposed to taking them out on you. You, on the other hand, may need to learn to understand and accept the way he's going to be, maybe for a while; losing a parent is tough, no matter the relationship that was had with that parent, and it can change a person. He is going to need leniency and understanding, and this may mean learning to cope with feelings of upset or insecurity on your own for a time. This does not, by any means, mean suck it up, or don't talk about your feelings, or stop talking about them, but it does mean that you may need to pester him a little less about, say, for example, the quality of your conversations. If he's spaced off or not really present, accept it, understand it; don't necessarily launch into explaining how it makes you feel. I know that if I'm stressed out, the bigger issue someone makes of my mood, the more likely to get frustrated with this I am.

I would wait until he responds to your e-mail, if he chooses to respond, and I would perhaps, in the meantime, discuss things with your counsellor about what you can do to help. It's no good to be terrified of your SO, and being frank, he's going to want to have to work on this as well. Is he seeing a therapist for any of this at all? Perhaps it's something he should consider. The death of anyone, and I would say especially a parent/parental figure, can take a great toll not only on the individual but on the relationships they're involved in. However, if this is something that has been ongoing even before his father's passing, I do advise you get out of the relationship, simply based on the fact in that case, I would consider it abusive. But if it is something he is willing to work on with you, if this pattern of behaviour developed after the loss of his father, then I would sit down with your counsellor and I would sit down with him and I would work on strategies to figure things out and make things work.

<3

[LilyChiba]

I'm still coping 5 years later after my dad passed, but I'm not a complete ass about it. And I know we all react differently to the situations. My mum started yelling worse and nit picking every little thing, even things that didn't matter. My sister just blocked it away. Yes, it is a very hard thing to cope with, and people may not be thinking straight, but its not right to push that on someone else and make them feel bad for something that can't be helped. That's what my mum tried to do to me and my sister. 7 months is a long time to at least calm down from such an event, albeit life changing. My dad was my best friend and there is a huuuuuge chunk of me missing without him around. But ya know what, I take his wisdom to live life instead of chewing out everyone around me for all the problems I have. It's all on me now. My SO is the first person who has even remotely come close to making me feel as loved and wanted as my dad did, not saying that he is replacing him because that's wrong. But that's the level of relationship and commitment I have to him. Me and my dad were fiercely loyal to each other. I'm that way with my SO. But in the end.. its up to you whether to stay and put up with it, hope he'll change back to who you know or not. It's up to him to want to be that person again, no one else is going to change him for him.

[megfashion]

we have been talking over email (i dont like speaking about emotions, preferring to message). about 5 essay-style email responses later, we finally reached a conclusion that we are just going to have to go right to the start again. so we are just going to act as if we have just been going out (as much as possible. due to being in LDR too we will have to make certain choices we may not have done at the start).

i think its a break down in communication, so ive told him we just need to communicate. no lovey dovey stuff for now, just getting to know each other again.

[mlestoll]

He sounds like he has a power issue, like maybe he feels like he doesn't have power or control in his life, so he is taking it out on you. He might have college he's going to, a career he's anticipating, a boss that's overworking him and underappreciating him for all of the work he does, so he tries to have power and control in his relationship with you so that he feels like a man.