I lied, and now I feel bad. Help!

[buren]

On my first official date with my girlfriend, I took her to a scenic spot in Hong Kong (for those who know and are wondering, it was the peak) and we just for the first time talked more and got to know each other better. However, I slipped up and lied to her that she was the only girl I've ever kissed, despite telling her that I dated 4 other girls before her (truth). I've always wanted to tell her the truth but she seemed so happy about that fact I just couldn't bring myself to do it every time, which ended up leading to me repeating the lie a few other times. Keep in mind, all that happened when we were both in Hong Kong. Now, I'm back in US to continue my studies while she stayed behind waiting for me.

Anyways, so the last day or so, we talked about our first kiss. Which somehow lead to her asking me again if she was really the only girl I ever kissed. I finally decided not to lie and told her the truth. I apologized multiple times and told her straight forward that I was planning to come clean but she seemed so happy about it I just couldn't find a chance to. She kept telling me it's fine and don't worry. But I know deep down she's upset and I felt horrible that I had to tell her the truth because she asked. I also feel horrible because she never lied to me, at least I believe she never did, and it was because I told her we should be honest to each other and not keep secrets.

I tried so hard to build my trust in her because she told me before that she don't really trust guys in general, and she finally opened up and told me more stuff. Now I feel like I ruined the trust and will have to work to build it up again, if she gives me the chance to. So, is there any advice as to how I can build trust in my girlfriend that I will never lie to her again? She told me not to promise her, and just do it, but I just don't know how!

I'm feeling so horrible that I started thinking over everything I told her, at least as much as I can remember, to make sure I didn't make any other lies. I told her too that if there are anything she want to confirm with me, I will tell her nothing but the truth. I don't know what else I can do...

Also, I have been lying to her that I quit smoking, but I have been secretly. I do plan to quit, but it is much easier when I'm with her. Should I tell her that also?

Thanks in advance, and this is my first post here so if there are any mistakes please let me know!

[DemonxOisin]

The fact that you told the truth and came clean will go a long way. Itīs good that you told her, and she didnīt find out on her own. That shows that you do care for her, and you really do feel bad. To be honest, I think that it was a small lie, and itīs not unredeemable. I donīt really have too much experience with this, but I would suggest doing something special for her (Maybe send her a present, or do something that you know will make her really happy) as an apology... thing... to let her know how bad you feel about this, and to show her that you want to make it up to her. After that, it just takes time. Donīt lie to her again, and just keep proving over and over that you are completely trustworthy, and eventually she will learn that you are someone worth trusting
Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you both!

[Enric]

The most important is be honest from now on, don't lie her anymore. You didn't do something so horrible, so why do you lie? A relationship needs trust. Tell her all the true about you still smoke, tell her the reasons and tell to her that you really want to leave it but you can't alone or whatever you feel. Apologize and do something for get her trust enough, tell everything that you have in your mind, even little secrets of your past. It can help.

[uniquefem]

Uhmm.. i was on your gf position... had guys lied to me in past and i felt so horrible about it.

But its just past, and the fact you come clean and tell her the truth and she said she was ok.... then it should be ok.. you shouldn't worry too much about it.

And pleasssseee do tell the truth from now on.. like you said its very hard to gain trust from her.. don't ruin it if she really worth all the effort....

Good luck!

[Rugger]

Trust is extremely fragile. Once broken, it needs serious re-building before it's whole again. Stop lying to her about smoking. Stop lying to her about everything before she decides to not trust you anymore permanently. Relationships are built on trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

[Moon]

You made a mistake and admitted it, that's a big step and shows that you're willingness to be honest. Come clean about the smoking though, or just stop (I know that's easier said than done, I'm in the process of quitting myself!), because lying once can be a mistake but more than once is untrustworthy.

As for the smoking, if quitting cold turkey is too much for you, my boyfriend uses nicotine gum and it has worked great for him, I use the patch and it's working really well. Nothing wrong with a little help

[Dauntedpoet]

I agree that because you told her the truth, it will go along way. I also think if she asked you a second time about being the only girl you kissed, she already suspected you were lying, so that makes your telling her the truth that more meaningful.

As for the smoking, GO right now and sign up for classes or a course or a support group or see a doctor, to help you quit smoking (as this proves your intent) and then tell her that once you left her it was too hard and you slipped up, tell her about your ACTIONS to quit. Actions speak louder than words.

[Haley53]

In regards to the smoking, it's possible you could tell her that you've experienced a "relapse," so to speak, and actually work with her on finding ways to help you beat it. With my partner and I, in regards to something in particular I struggle with, have compromised with that my promise is I'll do my best to try. I'll do my best to try to get a hold of him or someone else or I'll exhaust all other options before doing anything, and if I slip up, I have to tell/be open with him about it. It's helped me take responsibility and control and I've been plodding along fairly well, with relapses here and there. I think that they happen, but I think you need to be honest with them, especially if it's become something that's more and more frequent. Like Moon said once is once, do it more than that and it's a completely different story.

Edit: I feel like this post makes me sound like a drug addict. xD I swear I'm not.

Also, the poser above me (can't see the name using this feature, apparently) and Moon have good suggestions about quitting. Utilise your outside resources as well as what others have used to help them quit.

[HollzHeartsChris]

You made a mistake, and the fact that you owned up to your girlfriend shows to me that you felt remorse for lying to her in the first place. Now, you need to quit lying before it becomes too much of a habit, and tell her that even though you're trying to quit smoking, you've been doing it without her knowledge. You need to confess before your regret causes you to feel even worse than now and before things get out of hands. Relationships are built on trust, not lies.

[buren]

So, thank you all for your advice, we talked and she gave me a second chance so now i just have to regain her trust again. So i took one of your advices and started telling her about my past as a start to gain her trust, which in my opinion is quite dark... anyways thanks!
I think you all focused a bit too much on the fact i smoke tho :/ i actually can quit smoking easily, cold turkey. but it's just easier when i'm with my gf because she makes me feel strong, so i don't need it. anyways, thank you for the support though.

[JennyRW]

I don't like that you hide things from her, I know those are little things, but that is how big liars start...how you dont even see that you should be honest? I mean, is it really necesary asking us if you should tell her the truth about you smoking???? Obviesly you should be 100% honest with her 100% of the time!!!!! If not then forget about have a healthy relationship...

[buren]

actually, there's been one other thing that i want to ask... how do you deal with parents not accepting your love? my parent's don't like my girlfriend, and i believe my dad literally said he'll disown me if i marry her, and society will hate me. Despite that, I do love my girlfriend, and if our love continues to grow, I plan to marry her someday. So regarding that, should I tell my girlfriend about what my parents think? I don't think I lied about it, I believe she asked me what my parents think of her, and truthfully, they think she's cute and a nice girl. But I don't think she asked me if my parents... crap now i kind of remember she did ask if my parents liked her... and i said yes... but they do in a way I guess? just not in the way we are together? wow, this is bad isn't it? What should I do?

---------- Post added at 09:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:03 PM ----------

I don't like that you hide things from her, I know those are little things, but that is how big liars start...how you dont even see that you should be honest? I mean, is it really necesary asking us if you should tell her the truth about you smoking???? Obviesly you should be 100% honest with her 100% of the time!!!!! If not then forget about have a healthy relationship...

oh, i don't mean to lie about the smoking, if she asked, I would tell her straight forward. which i did already. but i guess it's more of is it truly necessary to tell her everything that i'm wondering. for example, i never smoke when i'm with her, because i don't need to, so if she doesn't ask, do i have to tell her i do smoke? So, if it's something she will never find out and it is something that will never harm her. Do i have to really tell her about it? I don't want her to worry or start thinking about other stuff such as is it her fault or is she not good enough that kind of stuff.

[Rugger]

oh, i don't mean to lie about the smoking, if she asked, I would tell her straight forward. which i did already. but i guess it's more of is it truly necessary to tell her everything that i'm wondering. for example, i never smoke when i'm with her, because i don't need to, so if she doesn't ask, do i have to tell her i do smoke? So, if it's something she will never find out and it is something that will never harm her. Do i have to really tell her about it? I don't want her to worry or start thinking about other stuff such as is it her fault or is she not good enough that kind of stuff.

Yes. What they don't know won't hurt them is the excuse of every cheater and liar in the book. You need to be honest. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Not just things that affect her ( which if you are in a relationship is EVERYTHING).

If I was your SO and you lied to be about something as trivial as smoking, I would be livid. If he's lying to me about this, how do I know he's not lying about something else?

[buren]

sorry, calm down. i don't mean i lied about it, it was more of a question if and as a reference. i've been completely honest with her, and i tell her almost everything. but as you said, trivial things sometimes just slip my mind since we don't get much time to talk so i skip it. But I am sincerely wondering if the family issue is something that i should be telling her straight forward, or should i wait to see if my parents change their mind.

---------- Post added at 04:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:39 AM ----------

oh and, what exactly is SO?