Confusing "Maybe-LDR"?

[Corvidaze]

Hi everyone! I'm actually not new here. I created this account about a year ago but never posted because right after I created this account, my LDR ended and I thought there was no use getting support for something that no longer existed. But now things are strange, so I figured that I might as well. This post is probably going to be long (and in 2 parts) since the whole thing happened over the course of two years. I'm also not entirely sure what I'm looking for through it, but here it goes anyways….

So basically, I was previously in a LDR for close to five years. But at about that 4-year mark, something changed. When I started my senior year of high school, I noticed a new boy at the school. He's an unconventional beauty of sorts… he's not the stereotypical "hot guy" or anything, but I think that he's probably the most beautiful thing I've seen. When I saw him, it was love at first sight. Of course, other girls were all after him, but I had a feeling that if he and I got together, we'd be each others' match. But I was scarred by a similar experience in 9th grade when I had this same boyfriend, but I ended up going on a date with this guy I had major sexual tension with at my school and he ended up being a jerk who would buy me things just to try and get in my pants. So I didn't talk to this boy at first because I was worried that something similar would happen and I wasn't convinced that I should give up what I believed to be a "meaningful relationship" at the time for someone that I just happened to notice at school. But even then, I can't deny that this previous boyfriend that I had was not good for me in any way, shape, or form, and nobody actually approved of him.

Eventually, I became fast friends with this gorgeous boy (and just before that, I turned 18 that December and found out that he was younger [15!], but I didn't really care that much because he's always looked and acted like he was 19+). But our friendship was a little bit strange. He insisted on walking me everywhere so that I wouldn't get hurt, gave other guys intimidating looks if they came near me/looked at me, and basically treated me like a princess. We would also tell each other really mushy things that I don't think people normally tell their friends ("You mean the world to me" "I always want to be there for you" "I never want to be a negative force in your life" "You're somebody that I always want to have in my life"). Our friendship was too fierce, too strong, and too intense to be labeled as a "casual friendship,"; I felt as though he and I always pushed that line between "friend" and "lover." And the best/worst part of it was that the more I got to know him, the more I fell for him. But as soon as I started to consider breaking up with my then-boyfriend to make way for this newly budding romance, my worst enemy started dating him (she and I are the same age). And I don't think that she ordered him explicitly to do this, but after they started dating, he broke off contact with me.

They ended up dating for half the school year, but they broke up four times in between. By graduation, she dumped him (AGAIN) and he came running to me asking me if he should try and get back together with her. Of course, I told him "hell no" because of the many good reasons why he shouldn't, but underneath all those reasons was the fact that I didn't want him to go back to her because I wanted him for myself. After graduation, we hung out more and (sparing all the crazy details), I ended up breaking up with my then-boyfriend just as I had threatened to do months beforehand and I started dating this boy. We dated for about four months, but it felt like it was a longer period of time because we were friends for most of the school year. Just as predicted, he and I are a perfect fit for one another. Our timing, however, was less-than-perfect because after the summer, I had to leave for college, thus turning our relationship into a LDR. That October, (A year ago now, I suppose) he broke up with me (over the phone, no less) because he couldn't handle the distance, but he promised that we would be together again one day when we live closer together. I was devastated, but still hung onto that condition. Plus, he told me that he still wanted to remain friends. Well, he insisted that he wanted to see me a couple of times, but he ended up canceling our plans. The only time I actually would be able to see him is if I ran into him randomly whenever I went back home or asked someone if they could take me to him just so long as they didn't tell him that I was coming. I stopped trying to see him after a while and we talked on-and-off for about ten months.

During those ten months, I finished my freshman year of college, went back to my original California home, went to Northern California, went to New York, took a road trip from the East Coast to the West Coast (starting in Washington DC and going through Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Arizona, Nevada [Las Vegas], and back to California… seeing every landmark there was to see on the way, of course). After seeing so much of the USA, being in several familiar places that I consider to be "home," and seeing so many wonders both natural and manmade, I came to a very important conclusion: I don't need a boyfriend to be happy and I especially don't need this boy to be happy. But I discovered that I feel a sense of comfort when he's around, like being home. I also discovered that I wanted to share everything that I saw with him because I knew that he would have loved it all. I wanted him to see the redwoods, see the Native American cliff dwellings, see the Grand Canyon, and see my California hometown all because I want to share my life with him. In short, I discovered that my life is great without him and I am actually a very happy person and having him in my life would only enrich it further; I don't need him around, but I want him around.

Armed with that new knowledge, I went back to college and planned a trip back to my high school for a long weekend. I had friends I wanted to see and loose ends that I wanted to tie up, mostly regarding boring things like scholarships and bank accounts. I ended up contacting this boy and thinking that I'm fine to just be friends with him, so I asked if we could possibly do tea or something. He said yes. But then he changed his answer to "would you possibly want to be friends with benefits or some less-shallow-sounding version of that?" Instinctually, the answer should always be "no," but I hadn't had sex for almost a year since (it was legal in our jurisdiction, no worries) and I was getting pretty antsy. I figured that I would tell him that it could only happen this once because I figured that it's better for it to be him than anyone else because he's familiar, we know each other very well, and we both know that we're drug and disease free. It would be a lot better than trying to randomly hook up with someone else. But I told myself that under no circumstances would I allow him to hurt me, so I told him that we could as long as we had a talk about it afterwards so that I could let him know that in the future, I won't be so weak to accept something like that because I refuse to let him use me with no romantic intentions.

[Corvidaze]

(Cont.)

I went back to my empty apartment, he came over, and we had the most passionate sex that either of us had ever experienced. It felt like a reunion or some sort of make-up. He was the same, but things were different… he seemed more confident and more sexy this time around. I tried to refrain from snuggling up to him, but he started cuddling me first, so we cuddled for a while before we started to talk. He asked me what I wanted to talk about and while I had planned to yell at him and throw him out, I just simply asked why he broke up with me because I felt no need to be needlessly combative and also, he kind of left me hanging to draw my own conclusion at the time. He told me that he wasn't really all that sure why anymore, but he thinks it was a stupid idea looking back at it and he apologized. I accepted his apology and then realized that the next things that could be said could possibly be another point of no return. He commented that my heart was beating really fast. I acknowledged that it was since I couldn't hide it. He then asked me what I was thinking, but I responded "I don't know," because what I was really thinking was "I love you and I never want this moment to end," but I didn't want to scare him off. I then asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he didn't know either, but he could guess what I was thinking. So I told him to guess and he said "You're thinking that this feels right."

I paused because for all intensive purposes, that was exactly what I was thinking. So I told him that he was right. He then turned my head up to look at him and said "I still love you." I was shocked. This was exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen. But I told him the truth, that I love him too. He said that he wasn't quite sure what to do, though. He said that he didn't feel comfortable around me because he still feels an attraction on multiple levels and seeing me stirs up his old feelings for me, so he couldn't handle seeing me. We both agreed to maintain this relationship since both of us have feelings invested. I had to go back to school, but he and I texted non-stop just like when we dated for two weeks. We kept the conversations light, for the most part. But a couple of times, we talked about our relationship. He told me that he loves me still, but he's still scared of the distance and over the past ten months, he discovered that he doesn't need a girlfriend like he used to. I commended him for reaching that very mature conclusion because not everyone does or can. I told him that I reached a similar conclusion, but the difference is that I realized that not needing him in my life doesn't get rid of the fact that I want him in my life. He then asked why it is that I've remained so steadfast and why it is that I chose him. So I told him in a very long conversation every little detail about what I feel towards him and he ended up tearing up a bit. He then apologized profusely for breaking up with me and for "ignoring me" for ten months. He said that we have a lot to talk about the next time we see each other.

Well that time came and we did fool around a bit, but he also took me out to dinner. He ended up being super busy that weekend, so we didn't see as much of each other as we thought. I then ended up stuck and not being able to get back to school, but I wasn't allowed to stay in my apartment, so I ended up staying at his house. His parents told me that I can stay there if I ever need a place to stay and they have been nothing but absolutely and unconditionally kind to me. While I've been staying at his house, I've started falling for him even more all over again because I'm seeing more and more how we fit together so well. We haven't had the chance to talk about anything serious, though. We have kissed each other goodnight and acted like a couple when no one else is around. But basically, it comes down to this: I see him now at 17 and even though he's so mature for his age, he's also got a lot of growing up to do. We both do. He's also been proven to be one of my greatest teachers because from him, I've learned things I thought I'd never understand. But when I see him, I just become overjoyed because where he has grown even from when I first met him, I can see that he's turning into the wonderful person that I had a feeling he would turn out to be. Again, there are things he has to work on, but he's growing up the way that I hoped he would. And for all those reasons, I love him unconditionally, even when things between us are confusing.

But I can't help being confused anyways. A large part of me says that we probably should just leave things where they are since we both have to experience certain things in life. The term "don't fix what isn't broken" comes to mind, but that's not exactly the right expression because what we have is broken from where I'm standing. Maybe I'm thinking that things are starting to slowly mend and we shouldn't take things too fast because maybe neither of us are ready. But I don't know for sure. All I know is what I've said about him before: I love him unconditionally for what I feel are right reasons.

[snow_girl]

I don't suppose there is a shorter condensed version? lol

[Corvidaze]

I'm sorry! I've tried shorter, condensed versions, but whenever I do that, people tend to fill in the blanks themselves and it always ends up as "It sounds like you need to get over it" or "You're both too young for love/romance/sex" or "You're a pedophile." T^T

[Malaga]

IMO you should take this as face value. He enjoys your company, your sexual chemistry and the thrill of romance. He knows you have strong feelings for him and it makes it even more dreamy. But he doesn't want to deal with responsibility that a relationship brings. He doesn't need a girlfriend, even if it's you, and he doesn't want to commit to LDR. Given his age, that's not surprising.

You can wait for him until he's mature enough, but it might happen in a year, in 10 years or it might never happen. He might meet another girl tomorrow for whom he'll change his attitude on not needing a girlfriend. He's left that option for himself.

If you're OK with being FWB, go ahead. But you seem to have a very romanticised perception of your friendship/relationship, and you do hope for more. But I wouldn't bet on waiting for him.

I wish you the best of luck xx

[Corvidaze]

I appreciate your input.

The weird thing is that under normal circumstances, yes, it would seem that he doesn't want to commit to a LDR. But he's maintaining one right now better than he did when it was an official LDR. Our relationship now is almost identical to our romantic relationship except for the fact that we're not officially dating. I think that's the most confusing part for me. If I'm not mistaken, somebody who doesn't want to commit to something like an LDR, doesn't. I'm wondering if maybe he just doesn't like the LDR label because he's fine with keeping it up just so long as those words aren't uttered.

He and I also both agree that "FWB" is not the best term because "FWB" implies that we only care about each other for the sex, but that's far from the truth. We're not really sure about how to refer to one another. I would just give up if I thought that he didn't care about me anymore, but he continuously says that he really does and I know that he's telling the truth because he still keeps pictures of us together and the letters I wrote him while we were dating by his bed. I honestly think that the biggest reasons why he said that he "doesn't need a girlfriend" like he used to has more to do with the stress he's under right now. He's an excellent flautist who is preparing to audition for 15 different schools and conservatories, so he literally spends the majority of his free time practicing the flute in preparation, so I think that part of it is that he doesn't have that much time at the moment to spend paying attention to a girlfriend. But like I said, that's the impression that he put me under from the conversations that we did have.

Maybe my perception is romanticized. But it's not as if it's one-sided. Like I said, when we're together, we act like we're together. The only difference is the title. Or lack of one. It's kind of like Johnny Depp's domestic partnership. He's not married to the woman, but she is essentially his wife in every way except title. So idk. But again, I greatly appreciate your input. Thank you!

[Haley53]

I'm -rp-ing this to hopefully return to (as a fellow writer of novel-length posts, I feel it's my duty to read and respond!), but skimming it, I haven't seen anything about whether or not you've discussed seeing other people? You say he's mentioned not needing a girlfriend, but has he/is he slept/sleeping with anyone else? Some people do go through that, where all they want is sex/the relationship (without the relationship), and it's not always limited to one being.

But I'll read more thoroughly and respond later. <3

[Mara]

I second Malaga. Just because he acts like the two of you are together and cares for you doesn't make the two of you be together or give any indication that the two of you may be together in the future. He's young and from the sounds of things life is taking you into two different places [distance wise] and he doesn't want to/isn't ready to commit to that. But I don't think there's nothing wrong with what the two of you have just don't get caught up in it. Either accept it for what it is or ask for more. Don't accept something that's less than your ideal.