He won't give me his address?!

[Sierra]

It's fine that you develop your relationships differently as other folks (hey, as you say, different strokes ), but I think it sounds like that just because you wouldn't consider this a relationship for yourself that you also don't consider others to be in a relationship either who don't do things your way. I WAS in a relationship even while I was in the getting to know stage, just as I'm still in it now even though I have yet to meet his family or visit his house.

To be completely honest, I kinda don't believe you can be in a relationship during that getting to know you stage online. I believe that you can make a commitment to one another to be monogamous and not date other people until you meet, and that you can have a deep, meaningful, even loving interpersonal relationship with someone you've met online, BUT without meeting in person I don't really consider that a true romantic relationship.

I realize this is going to offend a million people, if not everyone here, but hear me out because I'm not invalidating anyone's feelings for each other, or anything like that, I see people with meaningful relationships (interpersonal) but there is no guarantee that in person, the feelings will be the same, or that anyone will even get along. And maybe I'm living on a different planet, but isn't that the eventual goal for everyone - to bring the relationship out of cyberspace and into the real world?

When I was younger, I had several online "relationships", but given my adult perspective, looking back, I realize they weren't romantic relationships at all. Sure I had feelings for the other person, but the time spent "with" them wasn't time spent with them at all. Do you see what I'm saying?

I believe that true, romantic relationships can grow out of online "relationships" easily when the people have put in significant time getting to know one another, and when they are truly a good match for each other, but yet again, this is something that can't be known until meeting in person.

I could easily say that my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years, but we haven't been. We've known each other for 3, had feelings each other for two, we didn't see anyone else for these two years - actually that's a lie, I went on two disasterous dates early on, but I was very committed to attempting to make a relationship between us work, as was he. We spent more than two years getting to know each other and building trust. We agreed that despite our feelings for each other, that when we met in person it might not play out. That's a reality that everyone who has not yet met their SO needs to face. We decided, together, that if things did work out we would pursue a long distance relationship.

I don't expect everyone to do things the same way as I do, I do like people to be realistic about their online loves though because I believe if you aren't you may be set up for a complete heart break. Just like I said before to the OP, if she doesn't protect her heart, who will? I'm respectful of other people's relationships on this forum despite my own feelings and offer encouraging advice all the time, which I know you've seen. Like I said before, different strokes, different folks. People on this forum are involved in "relationships" that I would never call actual relationships, but I respect the way that they feel about their situation and their commitment to their significant other.

I've not met my boyfriend's family or been to his house, but we are very much in a romantic relationship. I'm not saying you have to visit the person (as in have two visits, one to see them, one for them to see you) in order to be in a relationship, I just try to encourage people to look at things realistically.

This forum tends to be very lovey dovey, which is fine, but you know what, the internet is full of predators and we ALL do need to protect ourselves. That's the reality of the situation. The OP's situation throws up a red flag for me, it's fine if it doesn't for most of the other people, but for me it does and I'm going to mention it, as well as demonstrate that I understand the OP's situation - which I did but suggesting she ask if she can send something to a friend's house instead of his actual home, but for me it would be cause for concern.


And I've totally rambled and gone off topic because I'm bored at work. Rose, come into the other thread to continue this discussion, I've definitely derailed this thread enough.

[Rosebud]

I respect the way that they feel about their situation and their commitment to their significant other.

While I have my own thoughts on your views (and don't get me wrong, some areas I certainly do agree just as some areas I don't), but I think I'll just be smart and focus on this part of your message I'm cool with that. I only ask that if someone states they are in a relationship in a stage that you don't consider a relationship to please just refer to it as such anyway...you don't have to do this but I think it would smooth a lot of hurt feelings and it's not any real skin off your nose.

[LeilaniJoi]

This forum tends to be very lovey dovey, which is fine, but you know what, the internet is full of predators and we ALL do need to protect ourselves. That's the reality of the situation. The OP's situation throws up a red flag for me, it's fine if it doesn't for most of the other people, but for me it does and I'm going to mention it, as well as demonstrate that I understand the OP's situation - which I did but suggesting she ask if she can send something to a friend's house instead of his actual home, but for me it would be cause for concern.

I totally agree Sierra. This was my thoughts as well and I agree with the rest of your post as well. I accept that what I call a relationship may be different than what others do. For us, there was never any question. We arranged to meet and there was no awkwardness at all... in fact, we synched in person just as well as we had online perhaps because we were both honest about ourselves online. Alot of people aren't. For me, honesty and trust is what comprises a relationship.. for someone else it might be something different. But this really does bring up an interesting topic

[Sierra]

While I have my own thoughts on your views (and don't get me wrong, some areas I certainly do agree just as some areas I don't), but I think I'll just be smart and focus on this part of your message I'm cool with that. I only ask that if someone states they are in a relationship in a stage that you don't consider a relationship to please just refer to it as such anyway...you don't have to do this but I think it would smooth a lot of hurt feelings and it's not any real skin off your nose.

Generally speaking, I do. We are all different people with different backgrounds at different stages of our life which alllllllll give us different opinions. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not trying to take away from anyone's feelings for their significant other, and never have.

[Bethypoo]

I wouldn't be to upset. Maybe he isnt ready for that at this time. But you can always send something over the internet... like an e-card and stuff like that.

[Haley53]

I wouldn't be to upset. Maybe he isnt ready for that at this time. But you can always send something over the internet... like an e-card and stuff like that.

You could also buy him a gift certificate that he could redeem online.

[Minerva]

Lots of overlap between this thread and the other, heh.

As someone who was stalked, I don't give out my personal information freely, even with people I mostly trust. It's reflexive, and more about my past experiences than how much I trust other people.

Like I said in the other thread, I met my SO online, but the circumstances were such that he couldn't hide who he was -- we moved in the same circles and had a lot of RL friends in common. So I trusted he was who he said he was. I still didn't give him my address right away. Not because I didn't trust him or that I was worried he'd stalk me from across the ocean -- I just don't give that information out and I can be suspicious of anyone who asks for it.

For me, trust is built, and it's not Trust or No Trust. Just because I wouldn't give certain personal information to a friend doesn't mean I completely mistrust that friend -- maybe I only trust them in some areas, or maybe I haven't known them long enough. That doesn't invalidate the friendship; it just means we're not yet at the stage of sharing certain personal information.

Trust is a spectrum, and it can be earned and lost, either entirely or bit by bit. And while trust is need in all relationships (not just intimate), that trust level doesn't need to be at 100% for the relationship to be healthy. It's only when someone continuously violates trust, or someone is very mistrustful without cause and never lets their guard down, that it becomes a problem in a relationship.

A new relationship in which one partner doesn't want to give some personal information? Understandable. A 3 year relationship in which one partner is cagey and refuses to answer any questions? Red flag.

[Engel]

To be entirely honest, I could never be in a relationship where I didn't have my SO address or telephone number. These are major red flags to me and I would have to pay attention to them. In order to be in a relationship you have to build trust and communication. I know not everyone may be able to make calls, but still knowing a number or having an address gives you extra security that they are who they say they are. Skype and webchatting, does not.

The internet is full of people pretending to be whoever they want to be, and I understand not wanting to give you address or phone number to an online friend but to someone you're claiming to be in a relationship with? I don't get it.

I guess this is partially why I waited to meet my boyfriend before starting a relationship, although I had his address long before that I did not have his phone number until we were close to meeting that first time.

I have to say that you ladies have much more faith in your SO than I would ever put in someone I met on the internet, I guess it's a good thing.

seconded.

[xo_Kayla]

I kind of have mix feelings on it. I mean, I also feel that it's sort of a red flag. It concerns me that he didn't really act like he ever had intentions of giving me his address in the future. Also, he doesn't really like to talk about meeting, but that's a whole other story. I don't know if I'm being overly paranoid or what. I just don't get how he expects to make this LDR last if he can't trust me with his address or even seems like he ever wants to give it to me. :|

[ArchetypicalIdiot]

It's only been a month and he may be building up some trust of his own If you really like him and really want to pursue this then an ecard or, as Eclaire suggested, a gift certificate could be the way to go. Hold off asking the serious stuff and just enjoy having fun with him. It sounds like he's treating this so far as a casual connection even though by the sound of it, you either want it to be more or it could be more, maybe for the time being you should too. I'm not saying give up but just see where this leads first. Don't be the one doing all the work. Listen to your gut and don't panic so much. If it works, it works and if it doesn't you learn by experience. You'll be fine.

Good luck! x

[JennyRW]

Does he tells you what he is studing or what is his job? I wouldn't hide things like that, I would just be careful giving too personal information too soon because in internet there are too many crazy people so you should be cautions. Little by little I would give more info, so maybe that is what he is doing? Because after just one month I think it can be dangerous to give your address... And I wouldn't plan on visiting the other person in just one month... I would take things a little slower... The key to know if those are read flags or if he is just being responsible is to see if with time he gives you more info... Don't stay like another thread said 2 years without knowing anything about him, but don't go to the other extreem and freak out when after one month he doesn't want to give you his address...

[xo_Kayla]

Yeah, he told me what he's studying and whatnot. He keeps a lot of his personal life to himself though. Like if I ask questions about his family members, he doesn't say much. I wasn't really planning on meeting him any time soon, but I still like to look into it. Like, would I come see him or would he come see me? Just little things like that.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Guys, I don't honestly think it's a red flag! Of course you need to protect yourself when using the internet and everything, but I don't think that within one month you can jump to the conclusion that it's a red flag. I'd say give it a chance, because the OP and her boyfriend have only been together a month and they're still gaining trust in one another! I understand how she feels because my SO was a little hesitant at first to share his personal details with me. Once we were past the stage of earning each other's trust, which took a couple or so months, we proceeded to share things like our addresses with each other.
I just say give it a chance, OP. He'll come round.

[Minerva]

I know some people are more open than others, but how many people give out personal information to someone they've known a month? Yes, one could go online and perhaps find my current address, but that doesn't mean I'm going give it to the crazy man who comes into the library where I work. If you're someone comfortable giving out that information, then that works for you. But many people aren't. One month into a relationship, not disclosing an address isn't a red flag yet. It's someone who is cautious. By itself, it means nothing. Now if there are other red flags, or if he still won't disclose it in 6 months, it could mean something. But not giving out personal information to someone you've only known for a month online is PRUDENT.

The issue is getting splintered because of the term "relationship". What one person considers a relationship isn't the same as someone else. Would I be in a relationship with a man who wouldn't tell me his address? NO WAY. But I also wouldn't call what the OP has a true relationship. It's her definition, and that's fine, but there's a mismatch here because others define a relationship differently. To me, a month isn't long enough to give out personal information OR call it a relationship, but the OP is different. Don't define relationship as something more long-term and invested and then call caution with a new person a red flag. Keep in mind, they've only known each other a month and haven't met. That's the bottom line. The definition of “relationship” is irrelevant. It’s the facts that count.

[Mara]

If he isn't willing to share personal information about his family or life, I would be a little curious to as the seriousness of his intentions towards you. I'd talk to him just generally about when/if he saw the two of you visiting each other etc.