She kissed someone else but I feel like she's hiding more...

[mojojojo]

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend who is in Canada. I met her over there then I had to come back to the UK...

The situation is that there's another guy in the scene. Yesterday she told me that she snogged him last week. He's liked her for a VERY long time and he made advances on her one night when she was drunk. She said she was shocked by it and she didn't do anything and just let him kiss her. He did this despite being VERY clear that she loves me and would never do anything to jeopardise this relationship.

The other day she cut him off but he's been sending texts to her proclaiming his love and how she made him feel despite himself saying he'll disappear off the radar couple of days ago, despite her saying she loves me.

I felt something was missing so I went through her emails (which I shouldnt have done I know). Well the first thing she said to him was that they agreed to stop what they were doing and be friends and needed some time to make a decision about me and she didn't want to carry on like this. It says she "gave in" to his advances because of feelings and emotions of the first night and the connection they have (What first night??). She also said it felt good...but also left her confused and conflicted.

Also, before she let a guy friend sleep in the same bed with her. I got angry because that was disrespectful of my feelings regardless of whether anything happened or not. I would never let a girl sleep in my bed if I had a partner. Then further down the email it said she was not ashamed in sleeping with him. Does that mean she had sex? Was she referring to that night were they just snogged? Or was it just another one of those guy friends sleeping innocently in the bed?

She has made it VERY clear that she loves me in this email and that she is annoyed with him and that they should part ways (yet he's been texting her last night).

I don't know what to do. Should I confront her about this? Ask her if there's anything else I should know or am I being insensitive? I mean, why does she need to take time out to make a decision about me in the first place (what she said in the email to him). Should I just leave it cause she's made it pretty clear to EVERYONE that she loves me? She told me yesterday about this but just made it seem like a one off thing, that she was drunk and he made advances on her...yet this email says otherwise...I don't know..

[kteire]

As far as I'm concerned, being drunk is never an excuse. I really don't agree with snooping, but honestly, it sounds like from what you found, she has feelings for this guy, but has decided that she doesn't want that to mess up your relationship. Really, you need to communicate with each other, and ask her to be honest with you about everything. I would be upfront about the fact that you read her email to him, because you've both violated each others' trust. You can't move forward from that unless you're both honest. I don't know if she might have meant just physically sleeping together, or actually having sex, but I would consider either cheating (particularly since it sounds like she has some emotional attachment to him). I don't think it's being insensitive to ask her to be truthful with you. She hurt you, and regardless of how much she loves you, she did cheat, and needs to make an effort to keep your relationship working.

[Haley53]

As far as I'm concerned, being drunk is never an excuse. I really don't agree with snooping, but honestly, it sounds like from what you found, she has feelings for this guy, but has decided that she doesn't want that to mess up your relationship. Really, you need to communicate with each other, and ask her to be honest with you about everything. I would be upfront about the fact that you read her email to him, because you've both violated each others' trust. You can't move forward from that unless you're both honest. I don't know if she might have meant just physically sleeping together, or actually having sex, but I would consider either cheating (particularly since it sounds like she has some emotional attachment to him). I don't think it's being insensitive to ask her to be truthful with you. She hurt you, and regardless of how much she loves you, she did cheat, and needs to make an effort to keep your relationship working.

This.

She was drunk. It's a factor. It's not a contributing factor. From her e-mails, and even without those e-mails as evidence, it does sound like she has some significant feelings for this man and as though she's feeling torn between him and you/your long-distance relationship, and so it does sound as if this may have happened almost inevitably.

I agree with kteire in the sense you both need to have a sit down and talk. You were wrong to snoop. Plain and simple. I disagree with snooping no matter the situation and I don't find snooping okay simply because one partner may or may not be cheating on the other (I liken it to the "I/he/she was drunk" excuse when the other partner has cheated). However, I can see why you did, even if I disagree with it. Still, I would talk to her before doing it again.

Come clean about it to her. Tell her why. Tell her what you found. And talk, because if you don't, then there's no chance of the relationship being fixed whatsoever, because these thoughts in your mind are not going to leave if you don't.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I have seen this so many times. :/ Hang in there.

[mojojojo]

Thanks for replying guys.

I don't agree with snooping myself and I think it's wrong too but yeah...

I don't know.. I love her but I want to know if I can trust her as well...

[snow_girl]

Thanks for replying guys.

I don't agree with snooping myself and I think it's wrong too but yeah...

I don't know.. I love her but I want to know if I can trust her as well...

You want to know if you can trust her by breaking her trust and reading her emails? I think you definitely need to sit down and both sort yourselves out.

[mojojojo]

You're right...

[Sierra]

Without trust there can be no love.

I'm with everyone else, I really don't think being drunk is an excuse. I've been drunk multiple times and NEVER cheated, kissed, or had sex with someone else when I was in a relationship. I may have made some bad choices yes, like wandering off without telling anyone where I was going, but even drunk you are still you.

I don't agree with snooping, but I think what you uncovered should bring up some concerns/questions in your relationship. I too would be wondering how she really felt and what was going on. I think you should let her sort through her feelings and see where the cards fall, but don't allow her to take advantage of you or lie to you. You guys really need to openly communicate, but be prepared for her to be upset (and rightfully so) that you went through her email, just as you have a right to be upset (and rightfully so) with her behavior.

It's important to lay out your expectations of another person's behavior in a relationship, otherwise things they normally would do, that you find disrespectful can cause conflict. For example, I had an ex who got upset if I chose not to wear panties and he wasn't around (*insert eye rolling here*). At first I thought he was just being controlling but when he got to telling me how disrespectful he felt it was to him and our relationship I decided, hell I'll just put them on to make him happy. In my current relationship my boyfriend told me sometimes at work he asks a coworker to rub his shoulders -- this made me very upset because I know one of his coworkers is interested in dating him so I told him please only ask this of married women, and he said fine.

Allowing someone to sleep in her bed, may be normal to her. I have several male friends that I would/have allow/ed to sleep in my bed, but in light of my current relationship, it's not something I would do.

Good luck.

[mojojojo]

Would you guys ever let someone else in your bed if you knew very well that they liked you A LOT?

[Sierra]

Would you guys ever let someone else in your bed if you knew very well that they liked you A LOT?

Honestly, when I'm in a relationship, probably not. However, I have, with the expectation that nothing was going to happen and I made that clear from the get go.

When I was in another relationship that turned into a LDR, I had a male friend who kept pressing me to be his "cuddle buddy". I'm not going to lie, the offer was really tempting, I was lonely and really wanted human touch. BUT, I knew he'd put the moves on me, and I knew how disrespectful it was to my boyfriend at the time, so I kindly and persistently declined. It was the right thing to do, because in the end, that man was so persistent about us hooking up even though I had a boyfriend I had to completely cut him out of my life.

[Mara]

You need to be honest with her. Tell her what you've found through her emails and ask her to be honest with you. I don't think she has been so far [obviously not by what the emails say].

[Haley53]

Would you guys ever let someone else in your bed if you knew very well that they liked you A LOT?

It would depend on the circumstances, situation, and the person in general. If I did share a bed, it would have been prediscussed with my SO and we would be sleeping top and tail (his head on one side, mine on the other). This person would also have to be respectful, in every day life, of my relationship. In the end, feelings are something you cannot help, but you can have some self-control. My SO, for example, had feelings for me while I was with my ex, but I was completely and entirely unaware of it and knew nothing of his jealousies, either. His reasoning? He didn't want to interfere or be seen as interfering. I expect that same level of respect from my male friends, not to the point they couldn't tell me if they had feelings for me, but to the point they wouldn't do so with any expectation. I can think of a few people I've had in my life in the past who I would never have shared a bed/room with, regardless of the circumstances.

That said, I also know of people who share beds with members of the opposite sex fairly regularly and it's never anything more than platonic. However, I'm not going to defend your girlfriend with this purely on the basis that she's admitted to/implied that she has feelings for this other guy.

[mojojojo]

I'm texting her and asked her were there any feelings for him? It's been over 3 hours and she hasn't replied but she answered my questions before that...

[snow_girl]

Maybe you should call her, this doesn't seem like a conversation to have by text messages

[Bethypoo]

I agree. Being drunk is not an excuse. Defiantly confront her. I mean if he keeps texting her there is really nothing she can do about it until he gets it. But yea, no you need to lay out some boundaries. Let her know that it isnt okay for men to sleep in her bed no matter how much of a friend they are. Its different than CD relationships and you need to set up some guidelines. Its the best thing.

[Haley53]

I agree. Being drunk is not an excuse. Defiantly confront her. I mean if he keeps texting her there is really nothing she can do about it until he gets it. But yea, no you need to lay out some boundaries. Let her know that it isnt okay for men to sleep in her bed no matter how much of a friend they are. Its different than CD relationships and you need to set up some guidelines. Its the best thing.

I'm wondering, though, if she's rewarding it. Responding even only occasionally is going to encourage him even more than responding every single time would! Intermittent reinforcement is proven to be the strongest form of it. :P So if she's telling him to stop, stop, stop, then may say something else, about having feelings or needing time to sort it out etc etc... Well I've seen members of LFAD struggle to give their SOs space and I've seen it on another forum that I'm on. No, he's not her SO, the OP is, but if she's juggling with his feelings the way she seems to be, then space is likely to be hard for him too, and there is an element of "risk-taking" when it comes to the person you have feelings for playing hot and cold.

To the OP, I would recommend ringing her about this, or talking to her on Skype, even. I wouldn't recommend having the conversation over text, not only because texts can be left/ignored (not saying you can't hang up the phone or hang up Skype and walk away) but because text can so easily be misinterpreted. It's also difficult to write long, well thought out texts, especially in emotionally charged moments, simply because of the general 160 character rule and also because of those blasted buttons (though I realise some phones have more frustrating keypads *eyes hers* than others). I would wait until she's back at home and you can both discuss this in your own time. I'm not sure if you've waited until she's at home, or if you're texting her while she's out. She may want to keep her private matters private and if she's out with friends or if she's at school or if she's at work... She may not want to deal with it right about now.