It finally happened. Family Criticism.

[CandiCandi]

No one has criticized my relationship with my S/O so far on my side. He has gotten a lot of slack for it, but I have not. My mom knows I am happy, my dad knows I am happy. My grandparents know I am happy as well, but do not really comment further aside from that. My mom actually thinks this is my "one". So, even though my grandma and her sister (since I don't really know what you call your grandma's sister in family, I just say Aunt) talk a lot, apparently she wasn't so clued in about the situation with me and my boyfriend. She said "Who's this?" on a picture I posted of him, I said my boyfriend. After that, she said "Great bring him to Thanksgiving". Well, I said he's in Wisconsin, hasn't my grandma clued you in? She said some, but this is her exact comment:

"Well some but didn't know what he looked like so this could have been a new one. His is hair bleached? He doesn't look like someone u would go for so what do I know. Tell him to come c u. How was your interview?"

I dodge some of this because I just thought it was rude, like the "he doesn't look like someone u would go for" comment, which is plain Jane funny considering my Aunt has never seen a single person I have dated!! But I did say he can't come see me because he has kids and a job he can't leave behind.

Her response is this, even though the comment I responded with? The majority of it was in relation to my job interview, just to get her to stop. This specific Aunt is notorious for criticism as well. While some of you may be thinking what you are about to read is her warning me that I may not be ready for the kid situation, it isn't. You have to know this woman to know. She's commented on how pale I am before saying, "Why don't you go outside?" three times in one day on Facebook and etc. What she doesn't understand is that both one of my sisters and I CANNOT tan!

This is her last comment:
"Kids! How many? Do u really want to start a relationship out with kids its hard enough with just 2 people & out of town. Give it some thought. From this wise old woman. Lol"

I find it insulting she would think I would jump so irresponsibly into any situation I was not ready for. As far as out of town goes, these are the types of relatives I'm kind of *glad* this whole thing is out of town when I think about it. Clearly, she doesn't know how miserable this place has made me since day one. Again, no one has really questioned my relationship until now. My friends see that I am happy. My mom, who I honestly thought was going to trip out, was happy and continues to be happy for me and that is saying a lot, considering my mom and I bump heads a lot. Even she knows that I am making a rational choice. I just need to vent. My boyfriend's at work and so is my best friend so...last resort: LFAD. Plus, I am pretty sure some of you understand what it's like! Just so frustrating and insulting. I am twenty-four years old, not a child --- and again, I would NEVER irresponsibly run into this situation if I KNEW I couldn't handle it. Repeats: It's just insulting she thinks I am that irresponsible and irrational.

[Bethypoo]

Honestly, it sucks. And people just dont understand some times. And like you said, this is your grandmothers sister so I am assuming that there is definatly a generation gap and this distance thing isnt something that she would understand. But as long as your immediate family, whether the agree with it or not see that you are happy and support you, then that is good enough.

I i totally get what you are saying when you think it is rude when someone says "he isnt someone i thought i see you with or that you would go for." Its so annoying. I used to go for the 6ft 4in football players. They were all jerks. I had this idea of this gorgeous man (by traditional standards i guess). But that didnt work out for me. The man i am with is gorgeous to me. He isnt super tall and buff. He is a total nerd and it is the best relationship I have ever been in. So that is nice that you SO isnt who someone else saw you being with but if its who you see your self with then thats what matters!

[Zephii]

Obviously shes opinionated and that's always annoying lol, but she just cares about you. And she's right to some extent. Kids are a big deal, especially when they aren't yours You've already thought about it a lot, but this is new to her, which is why she's reacting the way she is. She can't feel what you feel, she can only feel her own shock. Give her a bit of time, and be patient.
You get away with a lot once you get old. Just remember that one day you're going to be her age and you'll likely be just as bad

Chin up mate

[CandiCandi]

You are absolutely right, it is who I saw myself being with and continue to see myself being with. Well, actually, she's in a marriage that has become long distance quite a bit, because her husband goes to all these fishing tournaments quite a bit. She sees him maybe once or twice a week it sounds like now. So, even though you would think she would be the person to understand, she is the last one to understand. I have been with him five months already and known him a year. If the idea of him having kids was going to scare me, that would have happened so long ago. It would not be happening now and she is going to have no influence on my decision. My boyfriend is gorgeous to me, for sure. That is what matters at the end of the day. You are absolutely right. I guess what happens now is I do not know how to respond to her or if I should at all. She sent me a request a day or two ago and I instantly was just like, "I don't think I should do this again" after the "go outside" comments but I knew if I didn't, it would start a bigger problem than necessary. I do not want to start a new Facebook page, as I have so much family already added and that's a hassle. I do not want to block her, because we've got shared family that are going to know about it. Although, she did recently do the same to my mom for some unknown reason. I guess if I do reply to her, I just want it to be a rational reply. But no matter how rational I am, she will be ten times more likely to be IRRATIONAL. It just drives me up a wall. She, specifically, will find one thing to criticize and run with it for a couple of weeks too -___-

---------- Post added at 06:05 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:03 PM ----------

Obviously shes opinionated and that's always annoying lol, but she just cares about you. And she's right to some extent. Kids are a big deal, especially when they aren't yours You've already thought about it a lot, but this is new to her, which is why she's reacting the way she is. She can't feel what you feel, she can only feel her own shock. Give her a bit of time, and be patient.
You get away with a lot once you get old. Just remember that one day you're going to be her age and you'll likely be just as bad

Chin up mate

Like I said, you've got to know this woman to know this isn't out of concern, but more out of "let me stir you up". If it was out of genuine concern, then maybe I would be more understanding, but it isn't. And yes, I have thought about the kids thing and it doesn't scare me. Like I said, known him a year and been with him five months, if the idea of kids scared me, I'd already be gone and I am still standing.

[Haley53]

I was going to say "I don't see how that comment was so bad..." (sounded like small talk, initially) until you mentioned that she's so very typically critical. Being honest, she reminds me of my grandfather. My grandfather is someone who will criticise an A because it's not an A+ and despite the fact that his intentions are usually in the right place - for example, an A+ is a better grade than an A, and will look better when applying to schools in the future etc. (even if that may not necessarily be true) - it's still a hard thing to deal with, because who wants to put up with constant criticisms?

My advice is genuinely to be assertive. Don't give her an overload of information but don't continually dodge things, either. She will pick up on it/clue in to what you're doing and that might only exacerbate the situation. But for example, children. If she heckles you about it, I would honestly tell her something along the lines of, "I mean no disrespect, and I do appreciate that you care enough to want to be involved, but this is honestly something that I, and only I, need to think about; besides, it wouldn't be happening now." And then ignore any of her nagging about it from that point on, maybe with the occasional reminder that you're aware of it/you told her before. It's not going to stop it entirely, but it may help deflect it at least when you're caught in the immediate situation.

EDIT: Also, reading your last update, my grandfather can be of the "stir up shit" camp as well. :P I've found that assertion and flat-out ignoring = what work best for me.

[CandiCandi]

I was going to say "I don't see how that comment was so bad..." (sounded like small talk, initially) until you mentioned that she's so very typically critical. Being honest, she reminds me of my grandfather. My grandfather is someone who will criticise an A because it's not an A+ and despite the fact that his intentions are usually in the right place - for example, an A+ is a better grade than an A, and will look better when applying to schools in the future etc. (even if that may not necessarily be true) - it's still a hard thing to deal with, because who wants to put up with constant criticisms?

My advice is genuinely to be assertive. Don't give her an overload of information but don't continually dodge things, either. She will pick up on it/clue in to what you're doing and that might only exacerbate the situation. But for example, children. If she heckles you about it, I would honestly tell her something along the lines of, "I mean no disrespect, and I do appreciate that you care enough to want to be involved, but this is honestly something that I, and only I, need to think about; besides, it wouldn't be happening now." And then ignore any of her nagging about it from that point on, maybe with the occasional reminder that you're aware of it/you told her before. It's not going to stop it entirely, but it may help deflect it at least when you're caught in the immediate situation.

EDIT: Also, reading your last update, my grandfather can be of the "stir up shit" camp as well. :P I've found that assertion and flat-out ignoring = what work best for me.

She succeeded. My mom posted a long comment on it (in support of me and my boyfriend) and I said "I appreciate your concern, but a lot of thought went into this and I am happy with him." after I read your post (thanks!) but then, I realized that my boyfriend's family and friends can see all the drama that was started on HIS wall as well since he was tagged and I didn't want that all aired onto his wall. He does not deserve for it to be there. I would feel incredibly guilty if I left that hanging. His family is on his too and I am not trying to have that type of situation/drama. Especially, considering he also gets so much more slack than I do for this already so I deleted the picture, removed my Aunt and blocked her. I know this may start more over something so petty, but I do not want this type of shit bringing me down on a day to day basis and trust you me, she will try. A friend of mine saw all of it and said she thought my grandma was probably talking to my Aunt more about this situation than she is leading me on to believe and just trying to feign concern for the sake of the drama. But the picture is gone now. My boyfriend may be happy the picture is gone though because he said he looked like a goof in it anyway so there's the humor part of it lol. I have people in my family who do the "the A- isn't an A or an A+ thing" as well.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Urgh some people I swear! Girly, I know how you feel. I swear, on the subject of LDRs, my parents are so closed minded about the subject it drives me insane sometimes so I can understand. But I agree with Zephii: she just cares about you and wants to make sure everything's fine. Just give her a few details to start off with, and then gradually increase what you tell her. Hopefully, she'll stop heckling you and things will be better

[CandiCandi]

Urgh some people I swear! Girly, I know how you feel. I swear, on the subject of LDRs, my parents are so closed minded about the subject it drives me insane sometimes so I can understand. But I agree with Zephii: she just cares about you and wants to make sure everything's fine. Just give her a few details to start off with, and then gradually increase what you tell her. Hopefully, she'll stop heckling you and things will be better

Well, I guess when it comes to my parents, they understand so I am good there, but when it comes to her, I don't feel like it's her business, but besides that: Again, this was not out of concern. I wish I could say it was. She just likes to pick anything out in my life and say why it's wrong for me to do. This is old behavior, just old behavior applied to a new situation. This is a woman who commented three times in a day that I am too pale before. Also, I feel like if it was out of concern that messaging me in private would have been more polite than just putting it on the picture I posted of my boyfriend. You know? I am a private person so dragging my private stuff onto my wall will kind of set me off a bit.

[LilyChiba]

I'd just do my best to ignore it. I've got a few comments from family/ex-family that I never thought I would hear. Keep in mind my SO is half white half black. My aunt not long after I told her said 'you know, shouldn't you be worried he's black?'. And I was like.. I never thought she would be the type to be racist EVER. She's more of a mother to me than my own mother and she came out with that. And the day I told my mother and her soon to be ex-husband (was engaged at the time), I can't remember whether it was him or her that said it, but they were all 'is there something wrong with Australian men?'. I was thinking to myself but didn't say it, is there something wrong with non-australians? Seriously. People just don't understand, especially the older they are normally.

Also, she would be called you great aunt That's what you call a grandparents siblings. I personally haven't told anyone from that era. Any of my grandparents or great aunts/uncles. They wouldn't understand. And after the way people reacted to my last LDR (albeit I was naive back then), I don't really think I will until I'm married.

[yayagrl]

I seem to have high hopes of adults, but maybe I'm giving it to them wrongly. Some people need to have better tact than that. that was extremely inappropriate of her to say to you. The comments about your SO and the ones about you. Also she would be considered your Great-Aunt

[yayagrl]

I'd just do my best to ignore it. I've got a few comments from family/ex-family that I never thought I would hear. Keep in mind my SO is half white half black. My aunt not long after I told her said 'you know, shouldn't you be worried he's black?'. And I was like.. I never thought she would be the type to be racist EVER. She's more of a mother to me than my own mother and she came out with that. And the day I told my mother and her soon to be ex-husband (was engaged at the time), I can't remember whether it was him or her that said it, but they were all 'is there something wrong with Australian men?'. I was thinking to myself but didn't say it, is there something wrong with non-australians? Seriously. People just don't understand, especially the older they are normally.

Also, she would be called you great aunt That's what you call a grandparents siblings. I personally haven't told anyone from that era. Any of my grandparents or great aunts/uncles. They wouldn't understand. And after the way people reacted to my last LDR (albeit I was naive back then), I don't really think I will until I'm married.

WOOOOOW is all i have to say to that, but it's to be expected. Black men don't exactly have the best rep and of course the media DOES NOT help. As A black woman myself I actually have to live and see the way most, not ALL, but MOST black men act and treat women and it's sucky. However, that statement does not garner any approval of racism. From either side. My SO is Scotch-Irish and I worry how my family will react when I tell them about him. Not immediate family or a few of my cousins because they already know how attracted I am to white chocolate lol, but I dunno how things are in Australia. Just know how things are for me. Also they shouldn't let race dictate how they should feel about someone who obviously makes you happy or else you wouldn't be with him. I could see if he was abusive to you or you'd told them about an abusive history, then yeah worry. But worrying cause he's half black is bogus and complete b.s. That's just that generation I guess. They may never understand

[LilyChiba]

Not to steal the highlight of the topic, but Australia isn't normally as bad as that. We're a very multi-cultural society, I would say probably just like America is but I do know America has a lot of issues. Where I live and where I'm from are two places that I know aren't so bad with racism. We're a very lax country in that sense. And yes I know how the majority of black men act, I see it with some of the people he hangs around and how they act on facebook. Sure, that's a very small amount, but apparently Philly blacks are really bad for it from what I've heard. My SO can have his moments where he's a pain, but so do we all. I've never been one to see gender, sexual orientation or race as a problem. We're just people. That's all it is to me. So it was a shock to hear either of those comments come out.