Cheated on emotionally and physically. Do you stay?

[mojojojo]

Has anyone been cheated on emotionally and physically in a LDR? Did you forgive them and did you remain together? If you remained together...how did it go?

[Haley53]

I've been cheated on emotionally, and I have suspicions of having been cheated on physically as well. However, I do try to ignore my suspicions best I can and let it go; it's done and over with and no longer worth my time to dwell on it and wonder. I was never able to get over it, because from the moment of realising I'd been emotionally cheated onward, there was no returning to the same innocent amount of love, trust, and faith we'd previously had between us. From the moment of realisation, and acceptance, on, for as much as I forgave it, I could not forget it. It did breed a little bit of resentment and it fostered jealousy and insecurity, and it catered to my paranoia. This was with someone I wasn't even officially with. If we had been together, as hard as it would have been, that would have been the end of it; for some reason it was easier doing it when we weren't even together. With my ex and my suspicions of his physically cheating on me, had that been confirmed, that would have been the end for us too.

I don't believe that it's possible to get through it, and I don't believe that it's ever a one time thing. I have had a couple friends who have cheated, one who was fine until he got caught, one who was so guilt-ridden he ended up coming clean to his girlfriend. Both went on to repeat their mistakes, the former when sober and the latter when drunk; the latter went on to repeat the mistake several times. They say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I'm inclined to think this is true. I'm less inclined to think it true for new relationships (though I still do not think I could date someone who had ever cheated), simply because they have more to lose. My opinion is that once you take someone back for such a mistake, they realise that that's a mistake that you're willing to forgive, and it does end up getting manipulated. I read and followed your thread and I am telling you that this will not be a one time thing. She is not sorry because she cheated or because she loves you, much as you want to believe it, but rather, she is sorry because she got caught. And as much as you think you'll both be willing to work past it, you will be putting in the effort, and she will only be trying, and then what happens when it happens again? It is not worth it putting yourself through it again.

To me, this would be impossible to work past. Why? Because I don't think even cheating gives someone the right to be demanding of this, this, or that, to go through e-mails, to know details on friends and outings etc. I don't think cheating gives you some paranoid right to information I would otherwise see someone as controlling and insecure for needing. That, in my opinion, only fosters more insecurity. I don't have my boyfriend's passwords. I don't need them. He doesn't have mine. I won't give them to him. I will never share my personal e-mails with him unless I decide I want to, and the same is true for the opposite. I don't think it's ever even crossed our minds to ask or care because to us, that's not reminiscent of trust at all. To us, true trust is not giving each other every detail of our personal lives and still trusting the other to include us and to be honest about things with one another. I've never seen a relationship that shares such private information as being "open," especially when one partner is digging through things, and once you've been cheated on, you do get that urge and you do sometimes drive yourself mad with misunderstanding. In my opinion, it is not worth the effort it would take to fix it, especially since it's pretty damn likely she'll cheat again before you do.

[Bethypoo]

Honestly, my SO and I talked about this from the beginning. If you ever feel like cheating then there is something wrong in the relationship. He has been cheated on before and said that would not fly in this relationship. And I completely agreed. If my SO cheated on me that is all I would need to know. It would be done. There really is no excuse for that at all. And there was a question of emotional cheating (not physicality AT ALL) then it would be something that we need to talk about. Because again, there is something wrong in the relationship.

But that is just me. I wouldn't even think about going back. I am worth more than that.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I emotionally cheated when I was younger. It was really really awful. I didn't even realise I was doing it. The guy I emotionally cheated on broke up with me, after quite a while of putting up with it, and I think that was the right thing to do. I wasn't stong enough to do the breaking up with him, but I wouldn't have been happy staying with him, in retrospect. We were missing something, and I went looking for that something elsewhere. I never physically cheated...but I would say that emotional cheating is equally as hurtful and bad.
And, like Eclaire, I followed your last thread. And I think Eclaire is right. I think the most likely thing that will happen is that you will forgive her, and it will happen again. You said they kissed and then they slept together on different occassions? There's your answer. She didn't feel guilty enough after that kiss to not sleep with him.
It sucks, but I think you'll be happier OUT of this relationship.
However, you're going to do what you're going to do, and none of us can make this decision for you.

[Rugger]

I always thought I would be gone. I've been cheated on once and it hurt more than anything else. But then it happened with my parents and my mother forgave my father and now I'm not so sure. I love my boyfriend very much and I could def. try to forgive him. I'm not sure it would work though

[Miramaid]

not in LDR but I have been cheated on not once and no i never stayed. It sucked but I am sure I did the right thing by leaving. I know that I would not be able to ever forget the images on my man having sex with another woman and telling her the words he tells me and taking her to the places we went to. I do not know what he could possibly do to make me forget about those things. SO yes I ran away from the pain of it and I do not regret it.

I wish you the best and hope you will come up with the best decision for you.

[DemonxOisin]

It´s weird with LDR´s though, because... Well, yes, there is something wrong with the relationship: DISTANCE.
I made a discussion about my own experience with this a while back. It´s too long and complicated to put in here :P
We just moved past it, and fixed our relationship. It made us realize what we have with each other, and made us fix our acts in order to keep it together. The rebuilding process was difficult, but we managed. And now things are 100% back to the way they were :3

[Sora1101]

I was cheated on in my first LDR, when I first found out I gave him a second chance, I mean everyone deserves a second chance at least that's what I think but we didn't last long after that, he couldn't get over this lover of his so we went our separate ways. Turns out the girl he cheated on me with had also been cheating on him. Lesson to be learned what goes around comes around. And I don't regret giving him a second chance, I mean we all make mistakes, it's what you do with your second chance that counts.

[mojojojo]

It´s weird with LDR´s though, because... Well, yes, there is something wrong with the relationship: DISTANCE.
I made a discussion about my own experience with this a while back. It´s too long and complicated to put in here :P
We just moved past it, and fixed our relationship. It made us realize what we have with each other, and made us fix our acts in order to keep it together. The rebuilding process was difficult, but we managed. And now things are 100% back to the way they were :3

Hey, can you elaborate more? I'm interested..

Was your experience with LDR?

[DemonxOisin]

LOVE the name hahaha.

Basically, we had a sort of open relationship where the rules were that we had to tell each other EVERYTHING. One day, he stopped texting me other than basic "good mornings/good nights", he would get really bitchy and defensive when I asked him what he was doing, and he started hanging out all the time with this girl. Then one night I called him out on it, and he said that yes, that evening, he was going over to her house, and yes, he was hoping to get some. It caused us to start fighting, and the next day he broke up with me. They ended up having a weekend fling.

This whole time we never stopped talking, even when we broke up. He explained it as "I want to be with you, but the distance is too hard right now. It has nothing to do with the girl, she´s just kind of here and really wants me. I love you and I want to be with you, but right now, I can´t take the distance." I never understood his logic though. To me, if you love someone, you would fight to be with them. So I eventually, I just got mad and stopped talking to him for 3 days. After that, he came crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness.

For the after effects and such, here´s a link to a discussion I posted a while ago on it, explaining it better: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-Two-Questions

Btw, yes it was LDR, and that´s what caused it.

TL;DR My SO had sex with a girl behind my back because he missed physical contact. I forgave me, we are now stronger and happier than ever.

[mojojojo]

Thanks, I really need help in this What did you guys do to make it work out? What about the trust issues and that stuff? Do you not question that if their love was so great none of it would have happened?

[MadMolly]

I get that some people can have sex without emotions so physical stuff with other people is "understandable" AS LONG AS it has been discussed that it's alright to do in the relationship. Sex is necessary for some people. It's not cheating if it's not "against the rules".

Complicated stuff though...

[mojojojo]

There were feelings, it's complicated. But yeah.

[Zephii]

Obi has no reason to cheat on me. If he wants to sleep with someone else, he can ask me and we'll discuss it. He knows that. I can't stand dishonesty though "Trust is more important than monogamy"

On the other hand I have cheated on a partner. The claim that cheaters never change is bullshit, I've never had the urge to cheat on Obi, and I've had masses of opportunity. I did it in another relationship because the whole relationship was fked up and I was too scared to leave, so I tried to find those things that were lacking elsewhere.

Cheating is a sign that something is terribly wrong. If you can fix that something, then stay. If it's broken, or the other person isn't willing to fix the problem, than leave.

[Malaga]

Thanks, I really need help in this What did you guys do to make it work out? What about the trust issues and that stuff? Do you not question that if their love was so great none of it would have happened?

I think it is possible for cheaters to change, but not before they've learnt a lesson. And I think the only way is to lose the person they've cheated on. If you've been cheated on, walk away. You deserve a new start, she does too, nothing else is worth it. I really do believe that relationships where a partner has been cheated on and deceived, are beyond saving point.

I cheated on a previous boyfriend. All sorts of things were wrong in that relationship, it doesn't justify it but it does distinguish it from the relationship I'm in at the moment. I would never even think of cheating on my current boyfriend. But I do generally believe that cheaters remain cheaters and I would advise anyone to avoid them. So what does that make me? I sometimes have nightmares about cheating on him with someone random. I know I would never do it, but I still have a lot of guilty conscience.