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**Haley53** · October 23, 2011, 12:58 AM

So my question is... does Jealousy = Trust issues?

Yes. It is one of my most marvelous pet peeves when someone says, "it's not him/her I don't trust, it's soandso," because even with good reason to mistrust soandso, the insecurity, in my opinion, would not be present if there were full faith in one's partner. For example, nearer the beginning of the year, my partner had expressed interest in me and in exclusivity. During this time, his ex approached him wanting to be friends. Do understand that I do not normally have an issue with ex-partners, and do understand that there is a long, complicated history surrounding this particular ex, but it is that history that made me wary of that potential friendship. Regardless of the fact my partner had no desire to be in contact with her (again, long, complicated history), my insecurities still flared like a madwoman's, and I'm ballsy enough to say that though some of it had to do with the mere association with that ex, a lot of it had to do with that, at that time in our relationship (it was still fairly new, and I can't say I would feel the same about it now, nearly 11-months down the line from that point), I didn't trust my partner either. Whether or not that insecurity was projected... Well, it's fairly damn likely that it was. That doesn't mean, however, that it didn't boil down to a trust issue that I had with my partner.

With your girlfriend, it sounds like it could be a myriad of things. For one, I am assuming that you were predispositioned towards the insecurity to begin with. Let's face it, we're all human, and we all experience that green monster at some point. In LDRs, it seems to be fairly common, and in my opinion, it's normal, simply because you don't have the same security/reassurances as you would in a close-distance relationship and also because there begs the question of physical contact, emotional connection that is missing, on some level, based on not having that physical contact (I don't mean to say that deep emotional connection cannot exist in LDRs, but the physical aspect to any relationship is an important component. It's not all of a relationship, and it's certainly not required for the relationship to survive, but it's human and fairly normal to crave human affection and touch) etc. For another, this is your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, which, in its own, can bring up issues simply based around the fact that this was someone she was once intimate with. Thirdly, he's touched her inappropriately, and it doesn't seem she's done much to stop it. To me, this is the biggest red flag waving about in this situation and to me, this is what's keeping me from immediately launching into a rant about how people should be more lenient about opposite-sex friends. For him to have touched her inappropriately and for her to thusly allow him to tickle her... Whether or not she's aware of how much it bothers you, to me, that's showing a clear lack of boundaries. It's not that I've never given a male friend a hug, for example, but I have also been very clear on what's an appropriate form of contact and what is not, and I don't follow the three-strike rule, simply because it should be deathly obvious what's okay with someone who's in a relationship and what isn't. And if it's not? Then it's something she should have explicitly stated.

In regards to her guy friend, there I'm going to say you're overreacting. Sometimes people get caught up. I visited my partner for the first time this summer, for a month, and during that month he at one point got caught up consoling this girl who was being harassed and trolled on a forum he helps run. I'll admit, I got a bit sharp, simply because she was being harassed over her profile picture, which she'd changed to of her in a very skimpy bikini. His stance was that no one deserves such harassment, and my stance was more that no, no one deserves it, but people have to be aware that there are consequences to their actions; if you post a pictured dressed as scantily as that, be prepared for the inevitable responses. But other than that, I handled it by curling up on his bed and reading a book while he worked it out and fixed her profile and sent her a message explaining that it had been handled etc. I understood why that had to take precedence and graciously accepted the slight postponement of our plans. I get that this is somewhat different because she's not a good friend, or even acquaintence, of his, but hell, he's got fan girls on the forum who are convinced they're "in luv" and I shrug it off. :P Yes, I could be bothered, but why waste my time? I trust him, and I trust his feelings for me, and I trust that if he were ever tempted to cheat (which I should hope he never would be), he would break it off with me before anything got followed through. As a result of that trust and faith, I don't experience the same jealousies as many people do.

What you have to take into account is the fact that she chose you. In the same way my partner chose me? And is with me? Your girlfriend chose you and wants only you. To the point that she was willing to compromise by not going over to her ex's house, and I think that it was hugely big of you to tell her you don't want to control her actions or have any sway or influence on them. I do think that shows a good deal of maturity and a true willingness to work through the problem, but I think she has to do her part as well. For example, if the physical affection between her and her ex bother you, I think it's something you should talk to her about. I think any partner, whether they have trust issues or not, might be a little bit miffed if their partner were letting their ex tickle and touch them. :P I know my boyfriend wouldn't like it, and I certainly wouldn't like some girl draping herself over my boyfriend, even if both situations are unlikely to happen to begin with. xD I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Perhaps you could talk with her about it?

And by talk, I mean talk. I tend to feel that when you're talking out an issue with your partner, while there should be an open-mind to compromise and sacrifice, the actual talk should be about the me, myself, and the I. Use "I"-terms when speaking with her. This will prevent much of what you say from coming across as an accusation. For example, saying "I don't trust your ex because he touched you inappropriately and because you let him tickle you" comes across completely different than does saying "When you told me your ex touched you the way he did, it made me feel really uncomfortable and angry that he didn't respect our relationship, and I'm worried that he may try to take it further than tickling in the future and that makes me feel -insert feeling here-." Take ownership of your feelings, but be open to the discussion of it. Whilst it's fine to reference her actions, reference them in such a way you're claiming your feelings and interpretations as opposed to making her feel guilty and at fault. "I felt" will always be more powerful than "you make me feel." Also, be receptive of what she has to say. If it's possible, try talking this out on the phone or over Skype, so that you can hear one another's tones and inflections and have the option of seeing one another's faces as well. But by being receptive of what she has to say, she'll be more likely to hear out what you have to say, and if you're careful about your phrasing, she's likely to be as well. If she starts to get huffy or defensive, then hear it out, but respond with, "I didn't mean to come across that way. I meant more..." and then give your clarification. If you feel yourself starting to get huffy or defensive, breathe, and then tell her you're not sure you understand and ask her to explain her point further. People have the tendency to mirror other people, so the longer you remain as calm, cool, and collected as possible, it will be almost impossible for her to work you up or for her to get worked up herself.

In regards to the emotional aspect, when did it start? Do you have any idea of possible triggers?

**NineInchNails_x** · October 23, 2011, 01:27 AM

To me, I don't think there is much of a difference between the two. Although, I don't think it's right that she is letting some guy touch her(i assume this was during your relationship) and tickle her. If my boyfriend was getting anything more than friendly hugs from other girls I'd be peeved. I think talking about it helps alot. You both need to sit down and discuss what you want and what you dont, and what your needs are. When I'm having problems with my SO i like to write out a list of everything we need to talk about and everything I've been having problems with. That way, when we get on the phone, i dont lose track of what I have to say and I'm able to get it all out. My fingers are kind of cut up and sore so I can't really say more than this(it hurts), but i think you get the gist. Good luck!

**Miramaid** · October 23, 2011, 01:38 AM

What did you hide from her?

I did not read previous comments (too long) but I think depending on the level of commitment in a relationship it is actually perfectly normal to expect that a person (a guy or a girl) do not go over to their exes house (unless it was a long term relationship and they have children or strong ties with the exes family and someone in that family died or smth). So I do not think u are acting inappropriate by being uncomfortable about her going over to his house to "cheer him up". I am older than you btw, however I do not find it ok.
Trust is a great thing and yes it should be there, however, you can not abuse another person's feelings and "test" the trust all the time by creating situations that are potentially threatening to a relationship.
If she wants to still communicate with her ex is one thing, but there are different levels of communication and she should not abuse it and if her level of communication bothers you then she should consider that at least.
I can understand how you feel uncomfortable and insecure. I would as well.
I do not know what you hid from her, but I think you guys should talk about what each of you expects from this relationship. How close do you feel to each other and if you want to make it a long term relationship. Because that will and should define you expectations from each other

**kiara_silver** · October 23, 2011, 01:55 AM

For me personally Im a bit of a jealous girlfriend. But at the same time I do trust him and know i need to get over it. So when things happen or he tells me stories that in all honesty make me jealous or panic I keep it to myself, take a mental deep breath and let it go. When there's something I can't let go I talk to him about it, and then after venting my feelings can let it go and move on. I still always believe communication is key. And I think venting is healthy in a relationship and a good way to move on. When I say vent I don't mean attack. But let it all out at once so then it can be dealt with and done with. In the end the question is do you trust her? You say you do, so you have to leave it at that. Talk to her though one more time, and say what ever's on your mind. If i were in that situation I would most likely be very uncomfortable with it, and I would tell him how it makes me feel him being close to an ex. And I feel in my heart my SO would respect my feelings and do something to put me at ease or stop contact with her, But! At the same time it would be his choice, and he makes his own decisions. I stand by him. Just talk to your SO in a non demanding or attacking way and let her know again how you feel, and then try to trust her judgement and choices.

**Jgui** · October 23, 2011, 02:13 AM

Originally posted by LoversBeach View Post

So my question is... does Jealousy = Trust issues?

yes and no. in my opinion depending on what the situation is there can be no trust but jealousy and vice-versa. To me, being in a LDR trust is the MOST important thing. 2 person is always miles apart and the only way of know what is going on in each others' lives is through communication, yet people can always lie about what they're doing or been doing. If there isn't trust to begin with it makes it really hard to sustain the relationship.

back to your SO, she lets her ex tickle her? and touched her inappropriately prior to that? and gets upset with you when you bring it up? i think you have every right to be upset with her because she is your gf and sure as heck i believe that you wouldnt want another man touching your gf.. she needs to put herself in your shoes and look at the picture from the outside. How would she feel if you were being touched and tickled by your ex, would she be okay with that and not get upset?

often times people who are IN the situation don't see what is happening as a problem which seem like thats the case with your SO now.

i hope things will work out between you both. ***huggss***

**LoversBeach** · October 23, 2011, 02:30 AM

Thanks for all the advice. I wasn't always this jealous... it really actually started when me, her, and her ex boyfriend were talking on MSN and he mentioned what penis size would be perfect for my girlfriend and I was like, "Wait, how would you know?" because they were only going out for two months and I found out that that night from her that they had sex and that she was hiding it from me because she thought I'd be upset (and I was... I was shocked because I didn't know she was that kind of person who would have sex with a guy two months into their relationship.) she got upset and then I tried to cheer her up saying that it was alright (I was hurting though, every image I had was of him and her getting it on and I couldn't get it out of my mind.) but i'm not a perfect person either.. that's the only thing that shes hidden from me.. I'd hid a lot from her... like I didn't tell her about the ex I had before her who was a lot older than me (40 yrs old) and I lied to her about not having anymore secrets... so she doesn't trust me and I don't blame her... but this is really ruining our relationship.. I don't want to tell her that it still bothers me, but if I don't then that would be hiding it from her and if I tell her then I would be lying to her... because I told her that I wasn't hiding or lying about anything...so I really don't know what to do...

**Jgui** · October 23, 2011, 02:36 AM

okay.. why would the ex even bring up such a topic to talk about on MSN...? i believe that a person's past is in the past, she had sex with him, it happened and there isn't anything anyone can do to change that. what is important is what is happening NOW. i feel you shouldn't need to tell your current SO everything about your past, that just makes things a lot more complicated.

from what it seems like you both have trust issues for one another and it isnt good because it does nothing but pulling you both down. I would have a heart to heart with her, let every emotion, bother, and feeling out of the bag and see what you both want to do. you should do what is best for both of you and not just one or the other.

**Bethypoo** · October 23, 2011, 02:54 AM

I think jealousy and envy are natural emotions/response. And just because you are jealous I dont think that defaults to you having trust issues. And i wouldnt be comfortable with my SO ex being so touchy feely. But that is me. But it is also something that i would tell him and it isnt that i would say never talk to her, that is not my choice nor my place to ask something like that. But for there to be such physicality between them would not work for me.

I dont think you have trust issues as much as you have insecurity issues. Im not saying that in a harsh way but just as something you could think about and maybe relook at.

**liv4cause** · October 23, 2011, 03:12 AM

Obviously the two of you have a lot of talking to do. A relationship based on a foundation which has lies, insecurity, trust issues, secrets... I honestly think there are some major issues there.
I think it is time for you to get over your fears about her reactions and swallow your pride. This is harsh and difficult, I know. But there are two ways complete honesty can take you: Either, it will be too much for her, the trust can't be saved and there is little you can do to re-build it except with loooots of time, patience and honesty. Or, she will appreciate you finally being completely honest to her and trusting her with your secrets. It is something we girls love.. to be the keeper of your love's secrets. To be that one person they can talk to and trust. I think that most people will appreciate a complete turn around. Saying sorry for the lies and the secrets....it helps so much. From experience I'd say for a relationship to work, you need to make sure that you train yourself to be honest. It is everything in a relationship. Don't kid yourself into believing a little stretching of the truth won't hurt. It will and it's NEVER worth it.
As others have already said: write yourself a list. But this time, not with things that bother you about her, but things you have not told her and things that you have lied about. Best do it all in one go, or tell her if you have not finished yet. Make it clear that it is your intention to set everything straight and start over. It is a massive thing, but if you value your relationship and want to keep your integrity, there is not much else I can suggest.
If you are afraid of losing her because of the lies and secrets, tell her that. Let everything out into the open so she can really get a picture of you. Don't expect her to change her attitude with her ex or her guy friend if you haven't made the effort to make up for your own deficits. And as mentioned with people tending to mirror each other.. if you are honest with her, this will create the foundation for her to be able to be honest with you too.

I really really hope you guys can sort it out. I hope I don't sound unsympathetic. Believe me I am. But you can only change yourself, not others...so to change the situation you are in, you will have to change how you treat people and treat yourself. You need her to know you and know of your mistakes, and you need to forgive yourself too. Realise these secrets are a thing of the past. Once you have dealt with them, you can present them as mistakes you once made, but which you have now corrected and which no longer influence you, except as lessons learned.

Good luck!! It's so difficult, but it will clear the air and make a fresh start possible. All cards on the table

Liv

**Xanahtas** · October 23, 2011, 07:36 AM

I get jealous of my SO's female friends because they are around him in person more than me. Not because i dont trust him or his friends, just that i wish i could be there too >.< me and him have spoken about it and i trust him 100% and vice versa.
Though, to me, this sounds like more of a trust issue than jealously. You need to talk to her and tell her that you dont like how her ex acts around her and say how you feel about it.

**Rugger** · October 23, 2011, 09:36 AM

Jealousy doesn't always equal trust issues, but trust issues commonly manifest in jealousy. I am a jealous person by nature. I can't stand when women try to get with my boyfriend. But I trust him. I know for an absolute fact that he would never cheat on me because he loves me. In less than a month, he'll be moving into an apartment with two girls. Two good-looking girls. Many people would feel jealous over this, but I'm feeling fine about it. I know nothing will happen because my boyfriend's will is stronger than that.

That being said, you need to have a talk with your girlfriend. Tickling and inappropriate touching are something perfectly reasonable to me miffed about. He should not be touching her like that. Those behaviors are crossing a line.

**floridaellen** · October 23, 2011, 01:28 PM

My SO and I have trust issues that we're working through right now so I can relate to your post.
Her exbf should not be tickling her or things like that. I think hugs are acceptable but anything other that is just too much.
However, the guy friend doesn't really seem like an issue to me. As long as they are just friends and they have that boundary, I wouldn't argue over that.

**Ms.Justine** · October 23, 2011, 01:41 PM

Wow it seems as though everyone is giving great and long advice. Sorry I skimmed through some comments but not even close to all so I apologize if I have missed something.

But I believe that your ex is an ex for a reason, and I am one of those people who believe that in order to have a successful and healthy second relationship contact with an ex should be terminated. Seriously? They are your ex for a reason. If it is going to make you feel insecure, and tamper the relationship. She should show you some resepct and your relationship some respect and cut ties with him. Because, if you truly mean more to her than him...it shouldn't be a difficult decision. However, I do believe that exes can still be "friends" or on "friendly terms" IF and only if they are both single.

Now in regards to your trust issues with a guy friend, I've said it a million times and i'll say it again don't cry over milk that hasn't been spilt yet if she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat and there's nothing you can do about it. (Unless you can control free will) Honestly, all you can do is trust her until something happens. (And let's hope it doesn't) If you truly care about her and she truly cares about you. You BOTH need to make some adjustments to make this relationship work. I don't think there should be limitations on friends of the opposite sex. Because they are just that friends; and until otherwise it should be left as so.

In short, you need to make adjustments to your mindset, and trust that if she is going to cheat there's nothing you can do you're hundreds or perhaps thousands miles/km away...I know this sounds harsh but the same goes for someone in a CD (close distance) relationship. Make a change - the both of you, and you should both be alright.

**Malaga** · October 23, 2011, 04:18 PM

Problem with trust is that a lot of people think they're automatically entitled to it just because they're in a relationship. But no matter how much you try to trust each other 100% from the start, the reality is that trust is built over time, and you do have to earn it. That doesn't mean you're mistrustful until they prove you otherwise. Best you can do for yourself and for the relationship, is to be open minded and show each other how reliable you are by acting in a trust encouraging way.

If you don't fully trust the person you're with, it doesn't always mean you have trust or jealousy issues. If you only have these issues with one person, then maybe they didn't act in a reliable way from the start.

It sounds like both of you started on a wrong foot. Lying about things that are important to you, etc. She also doesn't seem to have established clear boundaries with her ex. Personally, for me that's a deal breaker.
If you want to save the relationship and build trust, you both need to clear out things that discredit you.

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Jealousy = Me not trusting her?

Jealousy = Me not trusting her?

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