His fears about our future (desperately need opinions)

[Engel]

Moscow, Africa, Brazil, anywhere in the world people do what i am going to do, move out with their love one. I don't understand why he think i won't stand Moscow (yes he did mention the WINTER-but whats the heater for??) and i am able to learn the languages (see my English! not even my native language!) he doesn't want me to bet my entire live with him its not a gambling, trust me!

Ok, please do not feel like i am judging you or saying anything bad, dont misunderstand me at all, but while your english is understandable, I don't think anyone could think you are a native speaker, you make many, many mistakes, that we can ignore and still take the meaning out of what you wanted to say, but it isn't that good.

Russian is a hard language, my SO, is russian german, and learn a language that isn't english, and isn't all the time on movies, tv shows, online forums such as english is a little hard, specially a language like russian, that you have to learn a new alphabet as well.

not trying to discourage you, but i think he is right when it comes that you would deppend on him for almost everything, and if you two broke up you would hardly manage on your own in moscow.


if you think you have enough money to pay for an expensive intensiv course to learn russian (in germany an intensiv german course doesnt cost less than 250 euros per month, not that i found it anyway, and a good one is 400 euros per month), so if you cant afford to pay to learn the language, i wouldnt even think about it if i were you, russian isnt the easiest of the languages to learn on your own in a short ammount of time, if you plan to have a job in there or something.


im sure he loves you a lot, and its really nice he is thinking about all that can happen before making you move, he is being responsible and mature IMHO.

all that said, i can imagine how sad you are feeling, and i really like reading your posts in here, you are a dear person that is always kind.

i hope he can find a new job in germany or in an english speaking country. but even if it is an english speaking country if i were you i would take some months of intensive english, or maybe basic, because you seem to understand pretty well, just have a little dif. to say simple things like 'he does' , 'we do', with a better english (in case he does move to an english speaking place), you will have more chances to find a better job.

[garnet]

I remember having a very similar talk with my SO before he moved here to be with me. I was having the talk from the side of your SO. I knew of all the reasons why he shouldn't come here. I didn't like them, didn't want to hurt him. I wanted him to have the best future he could have, and I knew he could have a better one there. Not here.

But he did come out. And everything I was afraid of has happened. If you ask him, he would say he doesn't regret it. If you ask me, I know that he would have been better off staying in his home country.

So I can't really give advice, except really consider what your SO is saying. Maybe you will be like my SO and be able to move, and no matter what, you are happy. Or maybe he has some good points and you should picture all of them happening, try and imagine if you would love your life even then.

I know things have been hard for you two, and I wish you both the best. I hope you end up together, but I hope it's in a way that you are both genuinely happy.

[Miramaid]

I will disagree with most ppl on here. Even though I understand that her SO is worried about having to be responsible for two people and all that, a TRUE relationship and when people REALLY want to be together is not based on where you will be more comfortable and better off. Sometimes it is a sacrifice that you make to be with that person, sometimes is putting your ambitions second, sometimes it is about facing the difficulties and OVERCOMING them. I personally would move for my SO pretty much anywhere no matter how hard it would be and would try to make the best out of it and would NOT regret it.

[Moon]

I'm going to try a different perspective here, and hope it doesn't sound too negative, I just want you to try thinking about this in another way.

Many people on here are of the "love conquers all!" variety, I'm not, so I'm not going to say that as long as you have each other the world is all rainbows and unicorns, because the reality in most cases is much, much different. Have you thought about what you'll do, if you do in fact hate Moscow? Yes, there are heaters in winter, but did you want to never leave the house? OK, personally, I don't actually think weather is a big deal (my guy is Finnish after all!), but without knowing Russian, you're going to be very lonely. Not only will it be hard to ever find work, especially in your field, but finding friends to talk with will be even harder. I was very surprised when I was in Russia at how little of other languages were spoken, and I was in St. Petersburg, which is supposedly the most European part of Russia. Your boyfriend will be gone at work all day, and you'll be there alone, with no one to talk to. Everything I saw on TV in Russia was overdubbed into Russian, so you won't even have that. I'm not saying your boyfriend is right in what he's telling you, but he makes some very good points that you really need to think about more.

If you are the type of person who needs people, or who has lots of friends, and is talkative and friendly (which you seem to be), this move might seriously take its toll on you. If you are by nature a loner, you might just be OK. I noticed while in Russia that they weren't the friendliest people in the world to foreigners. That might not happen to you, but if you did realize that you don't like Moscow, it's extremely hard to be happy when you're surroundings are miserable to you, and you have nothing to remind you of home, and no one to talk to who understands.

I think if he ends up back there, a good compromise would be to spend a few months (or whatever a tourist visa allows) with him, if he's willing to do that. See where it goes, then decide if Moscow is the place you'd be happy spending your life in.

[rusty15]

maybe he's scared that you will show up and realize you don't love him as much or you won't love where you are leaving and you will leave and break up with HIM
it sounds like he is very scared and trying to make it easier than maybe you breaking up with him?
give him some time and talk to him again soon!

[Haley53]

I'm going to try a different perspective here, and hope it doesn't sound too negative, I just want you to try thinking about this in another way.

Many people on here are of the "love conquers all!" variety, I'm not, so I'm not going to say that as long as you have each other the world is all rainbows and unicorns, because the reality in most cases is much, much different. Have you thought about what you'll do, if you do in fact hate Moscow? Yes, there are heaters in winter, but did you want to never leave the house? OK, personally, I don't actually think weather is a big deal (my guy is Finnish after all!), but without knowing Russian, you're going to be very lonely. Not only will it be hard to ever find work, especially in your field, but finding friends to talk with will be even harder. I was very surprised when I was in Russia at how little of other languages were spoken, and I was in St. Petersburg, which is supposedly the most European part of Russia. Your boyfriend will be gone at work all day, and you'll be there alone, with no one to talk to. Everything I saw on TV in Russia was overdubbed into Russian, so you won't even have that. I'm not saying your boyfriend is right in what he's telling you, but he makes some very good points that you really need to think about more.

If you are the type of person who needs people, or who has lots of friends, and is talkative and friendly (which you seem to be), this move might seriously take its toll on you. If you are by nature a loner, you might just be OK. I noticed while in Russia that they weren't the friendliest people in the world to foreigners. That might not happen to you, but if you did realize that you don't like Moscow, it's extremely hard to be happy when you're surroundings are miserable to you, and you have nothing to remind you of home, and no one to talk to who understands.

I think if he ends up back there, a good compromise would be to spend a few months (or whatever a tourist visa allows) with him, if he's willing to do that. See where it goes, then decide if Moscow is the place you'd be happy spending your life in.

This.

My SO has decided that he will be the one to move if and when the time comes, simply because he has fewer ties. There have been some significant life events that have altered this dramatically, and spending more time over there is something I may eventually have to consider. However, I am not sure I could ever be the one to make the move permanently, with no intention of ever returning to the States, and do so happily.

To me it sounds like your SO is worried about this. It doesn't sound like he wants to end the relationship or even like he foresees an ending, but rather, he doesn't want you moving to a foreign country in which your whole life will likely be turned upside down. It's not only a matter of adapting to a new location but to a new culture and language as well. I cannot imagine they would allow you to become a permanent citisen if you did not demonstrate that you at least had a basic grasp on the language? Was it someone on the forums here who had to learn German or some language as an entry requirement to the country? My SO and I are lucky in the sense we're both from English speaking countries, but there are many other things he's going to have to adapt to, one example being he'll have to get his license and learn to rely less on public transport, since it's not as big here in the States. It seems like a minor thing, sure, but those minor details do stack up, and I imagine this is what your partner is worried about. Moon brought up some good points.

I think one thing you have to look at is how you'd survive in the country without your SO. I know my SO has a job opportunity that may very well have brought him to the States irregardless of our relationship! Maybe not in California, no, but to the States. However, he's also very happy with his current location, and as much as he can try to console me otherwise, I'm well aware that his decision to move to the States would, primarily, be for me. :P But I do think that if we ever reached the point of considering it seriously, or during our "test run," something we will have to talk about is how he feels about living here in general. Yes, I imagine I, and he for you, will always play a part, but I think both you and my partner are going to have to be honest with yourselves about whether or not you would truly be happy, same as I have to be about the fact I probably would not be happy living my entire life in Dublin, even if I would do it for a while if I had to.

I liked Moon's idea. Both my SO and I are looking to do a work visa/working holiday, which will allow us to spend a significant amount of time not only living together but living and working in the other's respective countries. It will give us both a taste of what everyday life would be like living in that country. Perhaps this is something you could consider? Spending a few months there with your SO, so long as you made the promise to be completely honest about your happiness while there? Because unfortunately, in LDRs moreso than CDRs, you do have to think about what happens if it doesn't work.

[uniquefem]

I didn't read the comments.
I am from Russia. It is not an easy country to live in BUT unless u are from a rich family, it will not be worse then living in Indonesia. Yes the climate is different, but I now live in a place where it is always HOT and HUMID and it is nothing like Russia and I am ok (P.S. my move was NOT because of a relationship, but I totally would move for my SO if i could).
My only concern about you is that for one you would have to be legal in Russia to be able to find a job. I am not sure about the laws, but make sure you can make it happen if you guys are not going to get married (then of course it would be easier with the paperwork). Also I would encourage you to google and search Indonesian organizations in Moscow and contact them about job opportunities and networking. Moscow is a huge metropolitan city an I am sure there are Indonesian organizations, EMBASSY, and companies. You need to go a lot of searching and make contacts with them and may be even try to find a job there.
As for learning Russian, you will eventually learn especially if you live there. I would encourage you to have some $ saved just in case things go bad and you want to leave (for WHATEVER reason) so you are not alone in a country that you do not know with no $.

---------- Post added at 11:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:58 PM ----------

Oh yes btw Russian men do not show many emotions on the outside but it doesn't mean they are not emotional. It is a cultural thing.

Hahah reading your comments made me laugh... yes.. its a culture thing, he admit it.. Russian man want to look though! but i know he is human.. and he does change in a year, i see him more laughs.. and i am happy to add more laughing and smiling and goofy pictures to his pictures album.

I already do research on the visa, i could get the fiance visa good for 3 months and i could work legally there. But i have to at least once had visa there at least at tourist even if its only for a week but as from other Indonesian who work there in Russia.

I know there are students community in Moscow, and plenty Indonesian worker there too (work legally of course). I got good glitch about how life compared to Indonesia from their blogs and writing.

Thanks for your suggestion

[uniquefem]

Ok, please do not feel like i am judging you or saying anything bad, dont misunderstand me at all, but while your english is understandable, I don't think anyone could think you are a native speaker, you make many, many mistakes, that we can ignore and still take the meaning out of what you wanted to say, but it isn't that good.

Russian is a hard language, my SO, is russian german, and learn a language that isn't english, and isn't all the time on movies, tv shows, online forums such as english is a little hard, specially a language like russian, that you have to learn a new alphabet as well.

not trying to discourage you, but i think he is right when it comes that you would deppend on him for almost everything, and if you two broke up you would hardly manage on your own in moscow.


if you think you have enough money to pay for an expensive intensiv course to learn russian (in germany an intensiv german course doesnt cost less than 250 euros per month, not that i found it anyway, and a good one is 400 euros per month), so if you cant afford to pay to learn the language, i wouldnt even think about it if i were you, russian isnt the easiest of the languages to learn on your own in a short ammount of time, if you plan to have a job in there or something.


im sure he loves you a lot, and its really nice he is thinking about all that can happen before making you move, he is being responsible and mature IMHO.

all that said, i can imagine how sad you are feeling, and i really like reading your posts in here, you are a dear person that is always kind.

i hope he can find a new job in germany or in an english speaking country. but even if it is an english speaking country if i were you i would take some months of intensive english, or maybe basic, because you seem to understand pretty well, just have a little dif. to say simple things like 'he does' , 'we do', with a better english (in case he does move to an english speaking place), you will have more chances to find a better job.

Thank you dear for your advise i already think about this. I already got information from Russian Embassy they had this Russian Culture Center in Jakarta that provide course (since 1960 when it still Soviet) and this is Indonesia hehe so the course for the basic level is only less than US$100 i think its part of the Russian embassy program for cultural exchange, and yes... i could afford that. To work in Russia i have to had 2nd level Russian language certificate (this is even cheaper for US$80), and both levels could be done in 6 months with 12 classes for every levels!

Thanks for Russian embassy.. i think i able to learn it ..and 6 months is good time for him to settle while i am preparing my self to get there!


It would take

[uniquefem]

I'm going to try a different perspective here, and hope it doesn't sound too negative, I just want you to try thinking about this in another way.

Many people on here are of the "love conquers all!" variety, I'm not, so I'm not going to say that as long as you have each other the world is all rainbows and unicorns, because the reality in most cases is much, much different. Have you thought about what you'll do, if you do in fact hate Moscow? Yes, there are heaters in winter, but did you want to never leave the house? OK, personally, I don't actually think weather is a big deal (my guy is Finnish after all!), but without knowing Russian, you're going to be very lonely. Not only will it be hard to ever find work, especially in your field, but finding friends to talk with will be even harder. I was very surprised when I was in Russia at how little of other languages were spoken, and I was in St. Petersburg, which is supposedly the most European part of Russia. Your boyfriend will be gone at work all day, and you'll be there alone, with no one to talk to. Everything I saw on TV in Russia was overdubbed into Russian, so you won't even have that. I'm not saying your boyfriend is right in what he's telling you, but he makes some very good points that you really need to think about more.

If you are the type of person who needs people, or who has lots of friends, and is talkative and friendly (which you seem to be), this move might seriously take its toll on you. If you are by nature a loner, you might just be OK. I noticed while in Russia that they weren't the friendliest people in the world to foreigners. That might not happen to you, but if you did realize that you don't like Moscow, it's extremely hard to be happy when you're surroundings are miserable to you, and you have nothing to remind you of home, and no one to talk to who understands.

I think if he ends up back there, a good compromise would be to spend a few months (or whatever a tourist visa allows) with him, if he's willing to do that. See where it goes, then decide if Moscow is the place you'd be happy spending your life in.

Moon, thank you for your different sight.

Yes i could be a social butterfly sometimes, i do realize how lonely it would be in a strange country that you don't know the language. It will be months maybe, before i could get there and be with my SO. As i said on previous comments, i had sometimes to learn the language.

I also google and found some Indonesia community there, even though i doubt i would join them. But i had good information about where to find Indonesian food, the price, and things that most of Indonesian might like. Currently 300 Indonesian student studying in Russia and 90 in Moscow, maybe a small numbers, but that matters! hahah... but yes.. very challenging.. but knowing lots of Indonesian work there also, not only as non skilled but also skilled like scientist, administration etc.. i become more confident.

Knowing Islam is the 2nd largest belief in Moscow also helps. There will be much religious activities that i am sure i could do, social activity ...well you don't really need much to talk.. just do with smile i will find things i like there... i am not so sure about the same job like mine here but i believe i could find something there as soon as i finish my language course.

Thanks for the advise!

[uniquefem]

maybe he's scared that you will show up and realize you don't love him as much or you won't love where you are leaving and you will leave and break up with HIM
it sounds like he is very scared and trying to make it easier than maybe you breaking up with him?
give him some time and talk to him again soon!

Rusty, i met him before and spent sometimes with him while in Germany... its the 2nd time we spent time together.
Its just maybe he know better about his motherland, and he think i can not fit in he just always think i am too fragile like china porcelain, and i love him for that that he always to make sure things goes well for me.

We will be all right and i am very sure of that... thanks for the comment