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**Sharon Q** · October 27, 2011, 10:09 PM

Is it because I live 3000 miles away? I mean, I just spent the whole weekend with him, and celebrated our 5 months together... and now this? I can't help but think that something was wrong with our relationship that I completely neglected... but at the same time he says he had no reason and thought of me the entire time!!

Sweetie that last line right there is bull. If he was thinking about you he would have stopped. In my opinion if you cheat on someone you have no respect for them. Because even if you just cared about that person as a friend you wouldnt betray them.

Yeah some might say " well he was honest and told you " But the fact of the matter is he STILL cheated. He betrayed your trust.

If I were in your shoes I would leave him if you stay with him he will just be like " Hey I got away with this "
Staying with him, at least in my eyes would be a reward for him, not a punishment.

**Ms.Justine** · October 27, 2011, 10:12 PM

Yikes I am so sorry to hear this! Honestly he needs to figure out why he cheated - and if it's going to happen again. He needs to figure out if he really wants to be in this relationship, and realize that a moment of weakness is still a moment of weakness. He either needs to decide if he wants to be with you or not. Is he willing to go through the distance?

And you - need to figure out is this something you want? Because now that he has cheated even if you do get back together...we're women and we'll have trust issues it's going to be hard trusting him from here on out. And as we all know relationships are built on trust and rely heavily on it. ESPECIALLY LDR's... I think you both do need some time - and as of right now get some time to think. You need to let him know this is not okay - and he obviously wasn't thinking of you that much... Yes you and T Swift is right HE SHOULD HAVE SAID NO!

*hugs* we're all here for you - it'll work out in the end for the best.

**Phwoar** · October 27, 2011, 10:13 PM

I agree with Sharon here.

He has cheated, and unfortunately 'I thought of you the whole time' would mean he should've stopped the whole thing or not even went along with it in the first place. And if he was able to cheat on you this one time there is nothing to sadly say he won't do it again.

**Minerva** · October 27, 2011, 10:21 PM

The distance is not a good reason for cheating. I have 4000 miles between my SO and I, and I'd never cheat on him. There are a ton of couples here who hardly see each other in person but never cheat on each other. And like Sharon said, if he was really thinking of you, he wouldn't have done it. That reads like a line to me, a way to cushion the blow to you and have you feel a bit sorry for him. The fact is, he wanted some, he knew he was cheating, and he got some anyway. Sorry to be so blunt, but cheating is a pretty horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love, and there's really no excuse for it. Lonely? Missing your SO? Want some human contact? Well, man up and grow up. An LDR isn't easy and if you can't handle it, get out. Again, sorry, but cheating is such a betrayal and violation of trust, and he doesn't get off the hook just because he misses you so much.

Take the time you need. Try to figure out if this is worth saving. Most importantly, do some deep soul-searching to see if you can ever get over this and trust him again; indeed, if you even think he's worthy of your trust. Trust is such a fragile thing, and once it's gone, it's hard to get it back. You might think you want to save this, but if he isn't worthy of your trust and if you can't put this in the past, your relationship is in for a long slow death, and that might be more painful than breaking up right now.

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes couples move on from cheating. But it's hard, it's really hard.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you. *hugs*

**monkeynbunny** · October 27, 2011, 10:42 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. *hugs* Ok I have a different view on cheating than most people do. The majority believe "once a cheater always a cheater" I dont believe that. I was married for 15 years and cheated on him, and also the boyfriend that I had prior to that. Me and my SO have been together for a little over 2 years and we have yet to meet in person we live 1300 miles apart and it could be a million miles apart and it wouldnt change anything. I love him and I'm in love with him and never once have ever thought about cheating. Nor will I. People cheat for all kinds of reasons and there is 3 sides to every story. But the bottom line is if you are truely in love with your SO nothing would make you stray. And the whole" I was thinking about you the whole time" line was that supposed to make you feel better because something tells me it didn't. If he couldnt say no to this random girl this time whats going to stop him the next time. It sounds like he just cant handle this kind of relationship. LRD's are hard they aren't for everyone. You deserve so much better than what he is giving you. But in the end it is your decision only you know what is right for you. Good luck and again I'm sorry your going through this. *hug*

**Lissy** · October 27, 2011, 10:47 PM

I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You're getting good advice from the ladies here. If you decide to give your boyfriend another chance, after you've had your space, he needs to work very hard at making this up to you and winning back your trust.

Good luck with everything. Wishing you the best.

**DemonxOisin** · October 27, 2011, 11:04 PM

I�m going to be one of the few who say cheaters can change!

At about the same time as you in regards to how long we had been in a relationship, Miguel "cheated" on me. (long and complicated story defining the word cheat in this case... if you�re really that interested, I�ll look for a link where I explained it...) And it honestly was for the distance. Miguel is kind of a manwhore. We had no problems, until one weekend when I visited him. Much sex was had, and I guess it reminded him of what he was missing. A month to the day after I slept with him for the first time, he slept with another woman. Not because she was prettier, smarter, cooler, or ANYTHING than me. In fact he told me later that he has no attraction to her at all, and that I�m better in every aspect for him. He just missed... being physical with a woman, and this girl was practically throwing herself at him. He told me (something like 4 months later, which was the next time we were together) that at the time, because we had only been together for such a short time, he didn�t feel such extreme attachment to me as he would have felt after, say, a year, or if we were close distance. And my poor little horn dog reallly wanted sex! :P

Anyway, we got past it! After he slept with her, he broke up with me for about a week, just to clear his head and take time to think about things. He basically came crawling back to me. In his words: "I was miserable being in a long distance relationship with you. I could never have you with me when I needed you, you are never here. But when I left you, I realized that I had NO happiness. At least every day you bring me a smile, even if I can�t physically be with you. I made a mistake, you are completely worth it." etc, etc. I, being the niave fool that I am, took him back. And everything changed.

Suddenly, he was 1000 times more devoted to me than before. Everything got better. You know the saying "If you love someone, let them go, and if they were truly yours to begin with, they will come back to you?" I like to think in terms of that. Suddenly, it�s him who�s putting all the effort into our relationship, trying to make it work out.

I could have made a huge mistake taking him back - everyone told me not to. But I did, and it was worth it. I�m definitely not saying that every cheater will do this. I�m just saying that sometimes, they DO change. So please, listen to your heart. Do you think it�s worth the possibility of him breaking your heart again, if there is a chance things could also go even better than before?

Good luck to you.

**Haley53** · October 27, 2011, 11:08 PM

Originally posted by Minerva View Post

The distance is not a good reason for cheating. I have 4000 miles between my SO and I, and I'd never cheat on him. There are a ton of couples here who hardly see each other in person but never cheat on each other. And like Sharon said, if he was really thinking of you, he wouldn't have done it. That reads like a line to me, a way to cushion the blow to you and have you feel a bit sorry for him. The fact is, he wanted some, he knew he was cheating, and he got some anyway. Sorry to be so blunt, but cheating is a pretty horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love, and there's really no excuse for it. Lonely? Missing your SO? Want some human contact? Well, man up and grow up. An LDR isn't easy and if you can't handle it, get out. Again, sorry, but cheating is such a betrayal and violation of trust, and he doesn't get off the hook just because he misses you so much.

Take the time you need. Try to figure out if this is worth saving. Most importantly, do some deep soul-searching to see if you can ever get over this and trust him again; indeed, if you even think he's worthy of your trust. Trust is such a fragile thing, and once it's gone, it's hard to get it back. You might think you want to save this, but if he isn't worthy of your trust and if you can't put this in the past, your relationship is in for a long slow death, and that might be more painful than breaking up right now.

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes couples move on from cheating. But it's hard, it's really hard.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you. *hugs*

Yes.

My partner and I have 5000 miles of distance between us. We've seen each other once. We likely won't be able to see one another until next summer, and at the current moment, everything's so up in the air that I can't even be a hundred per cent sure even then. But neither one of us has ever once cheated or thought to cheat, and I can personally say that I never will. We both feel that if you're tempted to cheat, whether it's being in a LDR and missing the human affection and contact or whether it's developing feelings of a sort for somebody else, then you should respect your partner enough to get out of the relationship before doing anything stupid. At least then you have some honour.

Personally, I don't hold any form of leniency no matter what his reasons were or even if he came clean about it. Colour me a bit hard, but I don't believe it's an act worthy of forgiveness. I do not think there's any excuse or any side of any story that could possibly get me to change my mind, simply because it disagrees with every moral bone in my body. I am well aware of what temptation can bring (not in relation to cheating or relationships, but it isn't as though I've never faced the strength of temptation) and I am well aware that people are capable of self-control and of saying "no." There is no excusing that behaviour, and the fact that he actually relayed it to you as "she seduced me" and "I didn't stop her" but "I was thinking of you the whole time" as opposed to "I messed up and there is no excuse. I'm sorry and I hope that we can work through it" actually only cements my opinion. It is one thing to accept full and total responsibility for your conscious decisions, but it is entirely different when you come up with a flood of excuses either because he got caught (wasn't clear who came to who) or he couldn't live with the guilt.

Personally, I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could do it because I don't believe cheating is a one-time offense. No, it may not happen in every relationship, but I think if someone's shown they have the capacity to cheat... Well, I couldn't do it. And I certainly couldn't do it if they cheated on me, especially not if they cheated in a LDR. But all my ranting aside, I have a couple points here --

One: This is not your fault. This is not something you neglected. Is it something you may have missed? Possibly. However, how many whose partners end up cheating are keen on to the fact that their partners will cheat on them? There may be little signs, red flags, or there may be zilch, but it's not particularly something people look for. Why? Because there's nothing wrong with being able to trust your partner, and in a LDR, that trust is flat-dead necessary to begin with. So please, if nothing more, do not look at this as having anything to do with you. Do not look at it as being your fault or even something so simple as being something you missed. :/ Because I really do think that many people tend to be blindsighted if/when it happens, and it's easy enough to think "what did I miss?" or "am I just not worth it?" but it really has nothing to do with the partner who was cheated on whatsoever.

Two: This is something you have to decide if you want to work through, and it's not going to be easy, because working through it does not mean getting all his passwords, knowing where he is and who he's out with at all times, etc. That only continues to foster and breed more insecurity and paranoia, and it dooms the relationship to right destruction. Working through it means putting in as much hard, difficult, and brutal effort on your end as it does his. It means trying, again, to trust him blindly, and though compromising to some extent in the reassurances you ask for, it means trusting him pretty blindly from the get-go all over again. And it means he's going to have to deal with the consequences of his actions and work hard to prove to you that it won't happen again (I cringe at saying this, but I have never seen a cheater cheat only once, though I'm aware they exist), but it's not going to be a simple or overnight process. :/

EDIT -- Demon (sorry, I forget the name you go by on the forums D: ), but was it not true that you and Miguel had an open relationship (or somewhat open) at the time? Even if the betrayal still cuts as deep, I do feel it's somewhat different than being in a completely and explicitly monogamous relationship than if you decide while in an open/somewhat open/undefined relationship that you're missing out on the one woman you truly want to be with. I'm not doubting you know what it's like and I may have it wrong, but I feel like your situation is so unique to someone being cheated on in a monogamous relationship.

**Mara** · October 27, 2011, 11:12 PM

*hugs* I'm so very sorry, but in a way I'm not totally surprised. When his friend girl tried to seduce him and he said he thought about it I thought something wasn't right there. Now he's actually gone out and slept with someone else. The problem isn't with you or your relationship, it's with him.

I have been cheated on before and in my experience, it's never a one time thing.

Honestly, you two are long distance, it's only five months into the relationship, and you are still young. In short, I'd dump him. I wouldn't even think twice about it honestly. If it were further along into the relationship and the two of you weren't long distance, I might would advise you to think about it, but in this situation no, break up would be the only option for me.

But you have to make the best decision for you. I think you are doing the right thing by taking time to yourself to think about it.

**yayagrl** · October 27, 2011, 11:17 PM

OMG So sorry to hear this happened. I understand what you're going through. Though my BF didn't PHYSICALLY cheat on me I still count the inappropriate conversation he had with a girl online as a trust breaking thing. It hurts so bad. Honestly I still don't completely trust him, but I'm willing to get past my own insecurities. He has assured me (He has never lied) that it won't happen again, but of course trust is so fragile that getting it back is hard. The little things he has done since then has shown me that he is in it to win it so to speak and is really committed to regaining my trust and making it work. In the end only you can make the decision that is right for you and your relationship no matter how much advice we give you. Think it over and see if it is worth it to stay together and if you are willing to go through the craziness of giving him your trust again. It's a slow process

**msskunk** · October 27, 2011, 11:19 PM

Cheated is someone problem even in LDR or CDR, and it's a personal issues. Please don't think bad or blame your self, that his mistake and he choose to cheated on you.
You both can make a better relationship if you both have willingness to forgive, forget and make a change.
I hope you will make a good decision for your own sake and your relationship.
Keep strong! *hugs*

**maja_marky** · October 27, 2011, 11:23 PM

Originally posted by Minerva View Post

The distance is not a good reason for cheating. I have 4000 miles between my SO and I, and I'd never cheat on him. There are a ton of couples here who hardly see each other in person but never cheat on each other. And like Sharon said, if he was really thinking of you, he wouldn't have done it. That reads like a line to me, a way to cushion the blow to you and have you feel a bit sorry for him. The fact is, he wanted some, he knew he was cheating, and he got some anyway. Sorry to be so blunt, but cheating is a pretty horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love, and there's really no excuse for it. Lonely? Missing your SO? Want some human contact? Well, man up and grow up. An LDR isn't easy and if you can't handle it, get out. Again, sorry, but cheating is such a betrayal and violation of trust, and he doesn't get off the hook just because he misses you so much.

Take the time you need. Try to figure out if this is worth saving. Most importantly, do some deep soul-searching to see if you can ever get over this and trust him again; indeed, if you even think he's worthy of your trust. Trust is such a fragile thing, and once it's gone, it's hard to get it back. You might think you want to save this, but if he isn't worthy of your trust and if you can't put this in the past, your relationship is in for a long slow death, and that might be more painful than breaking up right now.

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes couples move on from cheating. But it's hard, it's really hard.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you. *hugs*

i agree with Minerva...in LDR trust is very important and he just let it away...i mean, he should've think of you in the first place of how you will feel when u found out..
but then if u give him another chance just make sure and think he had betrayed you once and just dont give that full trust again just in case he will cheat again...it wouldn't be that hurtful for you ...

*hugs* hun...we are just here for you...

**Dauntedpoet** · October 27, 2011, 11:56 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

the fact that he actually relayed it to you as "she seduced me" and "I didn't stop her" but "I was thinking of you the whole time" as opposed to "I messed up and there is no excuse. I'm sorry and I hope that we can work through it" actually only cements my opinion. It is one thing to accept full and total responsibility for your conscious decisions, but it is entirely different when you come up with a flood of excuses either because he got caught (wasn't clear who came to who) or he couldn't live with the guilt.

I agree with this.. exactly. He shouldn't be making excuses, he should be apologizing and praying you won't dump him. Telling you how he will make sure it won't happen again IF you give him a second chance.

My SO came very close to cheating in the very beginning of our transitional period from friendship to dating. He knew before anything intimate happened with this other woman... that it was wrong.. and he stopped. He told me everything while begging me to forgive him, apologizing profusely and hoping I would let him have another chance. I spent a week in silence deciding what to do... while getting offlines, emails and text messages from him several times a day.. telling me how much he loved me, how stupid it was, and how he would make sure it never happened again, and when I decided we would try to work through it.. he was so grateful he cried. He has been true to his promise.

I do believe if you're with the wrong person... you might cheat, but, if you're with the right person.. it just won't happen because you would never risk losing the right one.

**floridaellen** · October 28, 2011, 12:16 AM

I don't think I could forgive my SO if he cheated. I would definitely try but the trust would just be gone. Since we are so far away from each other, I don't think I could deal with that lack of trust. You've only been together 5 months, and while he may be a special guy, there are more guys out there.
I definitely believe the week to yourself will help you clear the head and try to get over the emotions and figure out what to do.
If I was you, I'd be singing "Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift!
"So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned
You're just another picture to burn"

Announcement

I can't believe it... He cheated?!?!

I can't believe it... He cheated?!?!

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