Some insight or advice, please?

[Lissy]

I don't even know where to start with this...I'm just so lost and confused right now.

Guess I'll just kind of start with the main issue: me.

I have depression, and it's been getting increasingly worse lately. A few years ago, I was consistently taking medication for depression for a few years, but got off them because the side-effects were disruptive to my life and I eventually didn't feel like I needed them anymore. Now, a number of things have been taking their toll on me and I have an appointment with a physician to talk to them about my depression and see about going back to counseling and/or trying a different anti-depressant. I also self-harm and my Mom has discovered this recently, then promptly threatened to take away my laptop if I continue to hurt myself; obviously, that can't happen because my laptop is a huge factor in me talking to my SO. For the record, I am not suicidal at this time, the self-harm was a coping method (yes, I realize this is unhealthy). So, I stopped. But the desire is still very much there and I've been looking for ways to get around her new rule.

Anyway, as you can imagine, my depression affects my SO and our relationship very much. She's great about supporting me and taking care of me; very loving and attentive and everything I could ask for. I never forget how lucky I am to have her. However...I feel like I'm neglecting her and her needs. She's adamant that I'm the one who needs to be taken care of right now, but I can tell how much this is affecting her, and I feel terrible.

She and I have Skype sleepovers at night. I cry myself to sleep almost every time. I frequently have panic attacks and call her in a frenzy of tears and how much I want to self-injure. Last night, when we both got into bed, I started crying; nothing unusual, really, just my own feelings and anxieties overwhelming me. She and I had a conversation and she began crying, too, because she apparently feels like she can't take proper care of me because of the distance. She worries about me all the time, and she feels like she said things that upset me last night and was insistent on apologizing. This wasn't true. I wasn't crying because of her, and I tried to explain that my being upset was because of my depression and overwhelming sadness, but she still seemed to feel responsible.

I think I make her feel inadequate. I feel guilty that she has to carry the weight of our relationship on her shoulders because I'm too sick to do it. All she wants to do is make sure I'm okay; she's selfless and caring, but I just want to make her understand that none of my problems are her fault. She's intent on blaming herself. Neither of us can seem to give an inch, and it shows; she's been sad all day. Through text messaging, I could just tell she wasn't herself, and...I realized, "This is what she deals with every single day." I am hating myself for not taking proper care of her.

We're both so involved in this that I don't think we can even see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Everything's gotten so muddled up that I can't identify the heart of the problem. I just want it to get better. I want to be healthy again, so I can return her endless favors of loving and caring for me unconditionally. It's not a fight between us. It's not even really a conflict. I don't know what it is, but it hurts and makes us sad.

My girl, Josephine, is a member of this site, so I know she'll see this. I'm even going to direct her attention to this thread and ask her permission to post our problems here. She may reply, she may sit back and watch what people say, I don't really know. But I'd like some opinions and insight, if anyone has anything to offer. I know this is really long, so thanks for reading.

[kiara_silver]

After reading this, i cant stop crying. Things like this are so hard, and I have no advice, im kind of going through something similar at the moment, not as extreme I hope, but where depression is a factor in our relationship at the moment. And feeling helpless and the cause of it. I have no idea what to say, or what to do in this situation, im sorry. To be honest I feel a bit lost right now. But I feel for you and can relate. I so hope you two can make it out of this, and things get better, im sorry I have no advice, I hope someone else can offer some, so I can know what to do too. But best of wishes to you and your SO, I hope you feel better, and you don't do anything to hurt yourself or cause more pain, i wish you both the best and that you feel better soon.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Oh, darling, I feel for you. I've struggled with depression since I was a child, have been on anti-depressants (Prozac, I just recently weaned off of it), and used to self-harm. I've felt the things you're feeling, and I'm so, so sorry you're in pain.

You didn't mention this in your post, but are you in therapy? If not, it is absolutely 100% imperative that you get yourself into talk therapy as soon as humanly possible. I'm very distrustful of doctors that prescribe medication without requiring their patients to be in therapy, as it is so important that you see a professional to help work through the underlying causes of your depression and to help establish better coping mechanisms. This I think will also greatly ameliorate the guilt you feel in leaning so heavily on your girlfriend--a neutral third party who isn't invested in your relationship with which to talk about your issues is a weight off of a relationship. I also think it'll be good for Josephine to read this--you obviously love her very much and want to be there for her, it's quite evident in your post. Keep lines of communication open, and try not to get mired in guilt. I know this is much easier said than done, but just keep talking to each other.

I'm here if you want/need anyone to PM.

[Josephine Falnor]

Just want to note that I read this. I love my girlfriend unconditionally.

To Lissy, I am here for you. I will always be here for you. This is hard on both of us, but we're going to get through it. I love you.

To everyone else, thank you for taking the time to post. I'm thankful that Lissy and I have such a great community here that we can be a part of. We both appreciate all the support.

[Laura_N]

I'm not sure I'm much help, but I have suffered from depression too. I was a child, around 11 years old, and I was suicidal, and spent four weeks in a hospital. I think I ate meds for like... a year, or less than that. To be honest I don't remember too much from those times, but I've gone through some mild periods after that when I've felt kind of depressed. I didn't self-harm back then, but I did a few years ago. I stopped it after a few months though because I realised I had to.

I'm really proud of you stopping it, because it is damn hard. Please, don't go back to that. I know the urge is overwhelming and strong, but you have the power in you to resist it. After some time it will get easier, and I promise you, the urges will go away eventually. You have already managed to cut the habit, and that's the biggest step you needed to take.

My suggestion has already been suggested, but I encourage you to go to therapy too, unless you are already having some. I don't particularly like shrinks or therapists, but I know there are some good ones out there. If you're already in therapy but don't find it useful, then perhaps you should consider changing your therapist or getting back on a different kind of medication that would suit you and didn't have too many side-effects.

Life won't always be like this. When you have been depressed for a long time, I know it will seem like things will never get better. But what I have learnt is to stay optimistic. You need to get help, because you don't have to or you shouldn't be with these kind of things alone. With the right kind of professional help, you could start healing from your depression. It's a slow process and won't happen in a moment, but it can happen.

I know coping with depression is hard. And I know that coping with someone else's depression is hard, too, because I have been there. Having several friends who are or have been depressed, or had eating disorders, or had OCD, I know what it is like. And I've shared my SO's bad times too, and it can be tough. But Josephine, you don't have to carry the whole world on your shoulders, alright? It's awesome that you are there for Lissy, but remember not to take her depression too personally. It's none of your fault. As cruel or something as this might sound, when you are not talking to her and when you're having your time alone, don't think about her issues. You need your strenght and energy to take care of yourself, too, and do things that you enjoy. If you're not taking care of yourself, it won't lead to anything good.

Loads of hugs and luck to you both, I really, really hope things will improve for you two

[Haley53]

I can relate to being on both ends of the situation.

I have struggled significantly with depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm since I was 12-years-old. I started on medication at around 16, maybe 17, years of age. Despite the fact that I am still convinced it was completely environmental – especially given what happened to me at the age of 16, and especially given that it seemed like one life-changing event after another after another – the medication provided me with a “crutch,” so to speak. However, even with an incredibly talented psychiatrist, it seemed to be hit-and-miss.

We tried Zoloft. We waited it out the 6-weeks. We waited it out even longer. It did nothing for me. Both she and I, due to family history on my father’s side, agreed against the more chemically addictive anti-depressants, simply due to not wanting to trigger any form of a predisposition towards co-dependency. This left out some of the better known, and stronger, more effective, anti-depressants. On top of this, we were treating potential mania – it was suspected for a while that I was suffering from possible Bipolar Disorder, which, I should note, I am not – with Lamictal, which was effective, but it took a while to get to a treatable dose; my body responded very, very sensitively to each increase. We were also treating insomnia, for which it took many a trial before we finally landed on Trazodone, which was a definite hit where everything else had been a miss. For depression, it ended up being Abilify that kicked it in the ass for me for a while.

Currently, the only medication I’m on is the Lamictal, which I am weaning off. I have recently made the transition to 25mg from 50mg, when originally I was on 200. I am no longer on anti-depressants, and I no longer require medication to knock me out at night. I attribute most of this to having finally been paired with a therapist with whom I clicked, and to the work I put in in therapy to get to this point. It was certainly not an easy-as-pie road, but I got here, and it was well worth it to me. And this is where I say I agree whole-heartedly with CynicalQuixotic.

I, too, am wary of the doctor or psychiatrist who will put anyone, especially someone so young, on medication without recommending, or even enforcing, talk therapy.

For one, it is extremely important, in my opinion, that your therapist and your psychiatrist work hand-in-hand. Put simply, in today’s day and age, many psychiatrists will book and charge you for a 30-minute appointment yet will spend 5-minutes with you, asking the quick question of how you’ve been doing/feeling so that they can write you off your next month’s prescription; don’t get me wrong, the good ones do exist – my previous psychiatrist, prior to my having to switch to using my uni’s psychiatric services, spent every booked minute with me and was extremely thorough, which likely explains her rave reviews, her several-months long wait list, and her being very well-known in this area – but they seem to be few and far between. Your therapist, however, is someone who will work with you more regularly. They will see you once a week, likely, as opposed to once a month or once every other week. They will spend their entire 50-minute hour with you, working with you, listening to you, and getting to know you. They will be able to spend that 50-minute hour and every 50-minute hour thereafter figuring out what you might need from your psychiatrist. They will be able to exchange information with your psychiatrist, if you sign a consent form, and this will allow your psychiatrist to treat you more thoroughly.

For another, and on top of all the aforementioned, medication is not, and will never be, the quick fix. I am actually a strong advocate against it. Do I think it’s necessary? Sometimes, yes, but I will never recommend it as a permanent solution, and I will always recommend it as a last-resort. One good example I can give is that the feeling/sensation of anger does not last more than x-number of seconds at best, never more than a minute. The reason that anger oftentimes lasts longer, or you experience it for longer, is because of the fact you consciously dwell on the situation or event that led to that anger to begin with. Your conscious and mental focus on the feeling actually prolongs it. Your emotions and feelings are so closely tied to your thought processes, your perceptions, your mental apparatus that this is why I believe medication can only do so much. Yes, it can help. It can work with the chemistry of your brain to make it work more in the way that it “should” – though there have been studies done, that I would have to dig up/ask a friend for, on that anti-depressants are also a lot about the placebo effect – but they will not be responsible for changing the way that you think or the way that you cope. This is where therapy comes in. Therapy will be able to provide you with better coping mechanisms. It will provide you with an outlet to scream, cry vent, say everything confidential that you need to say. It will help you begin to look at things differently, provide you with a different perspective, and it will help start re-shaping your brain and the way that your mind works. The benefits of therapy, so long as you are willing to commit to it, can be exponential, and I promise you that if you put forth the work and effort, the medication, no matter how long you’re on it, will be something you eventually no longer need, and you will eventually overcome what you are experiencing and struggling with, as much as it may not seem like it now.

One of the things I can’t recommend enough would be to see if you can fit in some form of a routine. It’s easy enough to say you should be eating right, sleeping at a routine time, etc., but I think if it’s one thing I’d say is the most important, it would be to incorporate exercise. I understand that sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is hard to find the motivation to get out of the house, but the benefits you will reap from it are exponential in value. It’s been shown to have a significant, positive affect on stress, depression, anxiety, etc., and once you get into a regular exercise routine, a lot else falls into place. For example, when I was exercising more regularly, which is something I need to get back into, my eating was better, my sleep was better, my mood was better, etc. It had an extremely powerful influence over me and my well-being. It’s something you might consider.

Another thing I’d recommend is considering alternatives for when you’re struggling with the want to self-harm. https://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-...ves-self-harm/ That, is a very good list and something you might consider looking through to see if you feel anything would work for you.

With all this being said, I want to take it back to that I do understand what it feels like to be on your end. Even today, when I struggle with, say, the want to self-harm, or when I experience a relapse and end up doing so, the pain on my partner’s face and in his words is so incredibly and unimaginably painful, because I do not think he truly understands that it has nothing to do with him. There have been times he’s expressed to me that he’s felt inadequate, that he feels like he’s not enough for me to keep me from SHing the times that I relapse. He’s gotten angry at me. He’s cried over it. It is not easy being on his end and I’m aware of it, and I understand what it’s like to hurt over being the reason for that pain; I understand what it’s like to feel hurt and frustrated that you cannot convince them it is not your fault no matter how badly you want to, because it isn’t, but it’s not something they seem open to seeing. I still have not found a solution to convincing my partner that when I relapse in SH, it is not his fault, but I simply wanted to know you are not alone in that position, and neither is your devoted partner.

(to be continued)

[Haley53]

That said, I have also been in your partner’s position. My SO’s mother recently passed away, and it’s been a struggle. A lot has been up in the air, and the dynamic of our relationship has been altered dramatically. It’s been a struggle for me to get used to the way things have been changed, and everything I’ve felt has been so completely turbulent, and it’s not at all offset by the conflicting feelings of “I have a right to be affected by the change” and “I don’t have a right to be affected by it at all.” I’ve been struggling between what’s okay and what isn’t to say, between what he might and what he won’t take wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s okay to let him into about my life and my own struggles and what I need to handle on my own. I’ve been trying to work with how much he can handle and how much he can’t, and I’ve been trying to find the balance that he needs but is incapable of expressing, in words, at this moment.

I’ve been struggling to keep my own feelings of inadequacy and heartache under control. It is not easy, but I am learning day-by-day, more and more, that I can’t take this or that personally. It is difficult, yes, but I’m learning and I’m trying, and I think I’m making progress. I imagine that your partner will eventually reach this point as well. I think that we all reach it in different times, but I think that at first, it’s a hard thing to grapple with, because on the one hand, you have the logical end, and on the other, you’re only human, and you have feelings too. And it is something where, I think, you’re both going to end up crying and something where you’re both going to be affected, if not directly, then indirectly. I know I have cried and felt ridiculous for doing so because my logical understanding of my partner’s situation conflicts so drastically with my emotional lack of it! But again, it is a process, and I am working through it, and I will find a balance and a way to get a handle on it the same way your dear Josephine will.

I do want to say, however, that as partners, as being in love and as devoted as we are, I imagine she does not want you to feel like a burden on her any more than I want my partner to feel like a burden on me. Yes, it’s difficult. I’m not going to lie and say this is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s certainly a test of the strength of one’s relationship, and of whether or not one themselves is ready for a serious relationship. Because love isn’t about picking and choosing. Love isn’t about deciding when you want to be a partner and when you don’t. It’s not about choosing only the happy and the good times, and ignoring the bad. Being a partner, being in love, love itself, is not an easy and simple task. Love is as complicated as ever, and it entails the same scars as being human, but I think that that’s what makes love so beautiful. We’ve all had fair-weathered friends, those friends that miraculously become oh so busy when you need their support the most, but the beauty of having a stable, secure, and loving partner is that you have that safeguard. You have someone there who loves you enough to stick with you through even the hardest of times, because we realise that it’s only temporary. Nothing lasts forever when it comes to pain and depression, not so long as you’re willing to change it.

I recently got a butterfly garden to remind me of what I feel is one of life’s greatest lessons. Seems silly, but I think tragedy, pain, grief, etc. is a lot like the butterfly. The caterpillars, like ourselves, work hard to build and encase themselves within the chrysalis. The chrysalis, I think, is our way of hiding ourselves from what we can’t handle, or from what we can’t take. I know my partner could not take my telling him I relapsed at this point, so I would not tell him if I did (note: I don’t intend to); he has encased himself within his chrysalis. But it’s within that chrysalis that begins the caterpillar’s most incredible transformation, same as within ours. It’s not easy, it’s tiresome and wearisome, and breaking through that chrysalis, that last kick before we break the surface of our depression, that’s no less wearisome than the transformation that happens within it. But look at what emerges when they finally do: a beautiful and incredible butterfly, a butterfly that spends 1-2 hours pumping blood to their wings, putting life into their newfound wings and beauty, but once that is done, they are able to take off and fly in their newly transformed state, much like we do. But that process is not possible without the pain or the transformation that occurs during it. But remember that with every death there is a new beginning, and with every tragedy, a new transformation takes place.

Hang in there, and get your professional supports in place as much as your emotional ones, and you’ll set foot on that road to transforming into that beautiful butterfly soon enough. <3

[floridaellen]

I haven't read through all of the replies but these are my thoughts.
I too struggle constantly with depression. The depression is mostly caused by my anxiety disorder. I panic so much that I send myself into a depressive state. I self injure as well. It got so bad that one day I cut up my entire arm. One of my friends told my school and I was sent to mandatory counseling or I'd be kicked out of school. At the time, I hated her for it. But it ended up being for the best and I realize that she was really looking out for me. I highly recommend counseling of some sort. I have been on medication in the past (Zoloft) but currently haven't been taking it (I realize this is bad...).
I used to rely completely on my SO to help me. This caused many issues in our relationship. Now I have tried to take him out of it and make it a personal problem. I do tell him when I'm feeling sad and such but I don't rely on him completely. My therapist is my support system for that. I highly recommend therapy, as I said before. It really helps to talk through your fears and worries and figure out why you are depressed. For me, it was my anxiety, my want to always be perfect. Once I realized in therapy why I am depressed, I was able to get over some of my issues.

[Sharon Q]

I used to self harm as well. I've been free of it for two years and still have urges to hurt myself.
I'm currently on medication.

I understand how your SO feels as my partner had a battle with suicidal feelings and it scared the crap out of me, all I could do was be there for him, and spend time with him and give him the love and affection that he needed.

If you are in the US Call this number:

1-800-273-8255

Its a suicide hotline BUT you can call it just to talk to someone they have professional counselors
ITS FREE, CONFIDENTIAL and 24/7

Don't worry they wont call the medics or anything like that. Just think of it as counseling over the phone.

[Lissy]

Just want to thank everyone so much for the kind, thoughtful, and helpful replies. Simply knowing we are not alone in our situation and being surrounded by such a supportive group of people is comforting.

Kiara; I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. It's tough. I hope you can find some helpful advice and information that pertains to what you're going through in this thread. Let me know if you ever need to talk.

CynicalQuixotic; Thanks so much for the offer to talk - I may take you up on that. I am not currently in any type of therapy or counseling, but I used to be. I bounced around to different psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and therapists from age 13 to 18, and stopped going after I graduated high school. Now, I'm 19 and a sophomore in college and I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and head back. It's difficult because, there are no certified psychologists where I live. The ones I've seen in the past have been out-of-state. I've been to so many different psychologists here in search for a good one, that even my Mom is afraid I've exhausted our town's resources. I really don't want to have to see a psychologist outside my immediate vicinity, because I don't feel like I'd be able to count on them in times of crisis. I'm waiting for my appointment with my physician at this point to see what they recommend, if anything.

Laura; Thanks for addressing my SO and telling her it's okay for her to take care of herself sometimes. I feel like she needs to hear that. I want her to be happy and not let my problems bring her down. Thanks so much for the support and advice.

Eclaire; Very grateful for the thorough response. I have become wary of anti-depressants. That is, I'm so cautious that I do not want to take anything for my depression. I know this is extremely realistic. While medication won't be the cure-all, I know I'll probably need to take it just to get my chemical imbalances straightened out. When I first started taking anti-depressants at 13, I would routinely count out my dose, and flush it down the toilet, being so resentful of taking "happy pills." I don't have that issue anymore, but the wariness is still there because the side-effects of what I was taking seemed worse than the benefits. I plan to ask for a different medication than I have been on the past when I see a doctor and/or psychiatrist. I'm glad you mentioned that your depression lead to the assumption that you may be suffering from Bipolar Disorder - I've suspected that I may be Bipolar, because of some of the extreme fluctuations of moods I go through and also that I occasionally have what I like to call "episodes" that consist of uncontrollable crying and screaming. I doubt that would be my diagnosis (I feel the people around me would have mentioned it before), but it's nice to know that isn't an uncommon assumption.

Establishing a routine will be difficult for me, but I'll certainly take that into consideration and attempt to execute it. I'm willing to try anything to lessen at least my partner's pain right now, if not my own, so if that would help my behavior become more predictable, it's worth a shot.

I'm sure my SO will appreciate reading about your experience on her side of things. I don't want to be her burden or for her to feel like I am. She maintains that she doesn't think of me that way, but the strain my issues put on her are obvious. She recently admitted that this is tough on her and that us battling this every day is unfair, so that was a good start. I want her to feel like she can be honest with me.

Ellen and Sharon; Thanks to you both for sharing your experiences and offering advice/resources. As I've said before, I really hate for my SO to feel like she has to be my therapist as well as a partner.

[Minerva]

Ah my dear, I've been there. I can't really add more because I'm kind of there right now (not depressed so much as having the characteristic lack of energy I get from depression, that feeling that everything is an effort and I'm moving through mud). You've been given some wonderful advice and support here, and I can't really add more except to say I relate and you're not alone.

*hugs* to you.