I don't even know where to start with this...I'm just so lost and confused right now.
Guess I'll just kind of start with the main issue: me.
I have depression, and it's been getting increasingly worse lately. A few years ago, I was consistently taking medication for depression for a few years, but got off them because the side-effects were disruptive to my life and I eventually didn't feel like I needed them anymore. Now, a number of things have been taking their toll on me and I have an appointment with a physician to talk to them about my depression and see about going back to counseling and/or trying a different anti-depressant. I also self-harm and my Mom has discovered this recently, then promptly threatened to take away my laptop if I continue to hurt myself; obviously, that can't happen because my laptop is a huge factor in me talking to my SO. For the record, I am not suicidal at this time, the self-harm was a coping method (yes, I realize this is unhealthy). So, I stopped. But the desire is still very much there and I've been looking for ways to get around her new rule.
Anyway, as you can imagine, my depression affects my SO and our relationship very much. She's great about supporting me and taking care of me; very loving and attentive and everything I could ask for. I never forget how lucky I am to have her. However...I feel like I'm neglecting her and her needs. She's adamant that I'm the one who needs to be taken care of right now, but I can tell how much this is affecting her, and I feel terrible.
She and I have Skype sleepovers at night. I cry myself to sleep almost every time. I frequently have panic attacks and call her in a frenzy of tears and how much I want to self-injure. Last night, when we both got into bed, I started crying; nothing unusual, really, just my own feelings and anxieties overwhelming me. She and I had a conversation and she began crying, too, because she apparently feels like she can't take proper care of me because of the distance. She worries about me all the time, and she feels like she said things that upset me last night and was insistent on apologizing. This wasn't true. I wasn't crying because of her, and I tried to explain that my being upset was because of my depression and overwhelming sadness, but she still seemed to feel responsible.
I think I make her feel inadequate. I feel guilty that she has to carry the weight of our relationship on her shoulders because I'm too sick to do it. All she wants to do is make sure I'm okay; she's selfless and caring, but I just want to make her understand that none of my problems are her fault. She's intent on blaming herself. Neither of us can seem to give an inch, and it shows; she's been sad all day. Through text messaging, I could just tell she wasn't herself, and...I realized, "This is what she deals with every single day." I am hating myself for not taking proper care of her.
We're both so involved in this that I don't think we can even see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Everything's gotten so muddled up that I can't identify the heart of the problem. I just want it to get better. I want to be healthy again, so I can return her endless favors of loving and caring for me unconditionally. It's not a fight between us. It's not even really a conflict. I don't know what it is, but it hurts and makes us sad.
My girl, Josephine, is a member of this site, so I know she'll see this. I'm even going to direct her attention to this thread and ask her permission to post our problems here. She may reply, she may sit back and watch what people say, I don't really know. But I'd like some opinions and insight, if anyone has anything to offer. I know this is really long, so thanks for reading.
Guess I'll just kind of start with the main issue: me.
I have depression, and it's been getting increasingly worse lately. A few years ago, I was consistently taking medication for depression for a few years, but got off them because the side-effects were disruptive to my life and I eventually didn't feel like I needed them anymore. Now, a number of things have been taking their toll on me and I have an appointment with a physician to talk to them about my depression and see about going back to counseling and/or trying a different anti-depressant. I also self-harm and my Mom has discovered this recently, then promptly threatened to take away my laptop if I continue to hurt myself; obviously, that can't happen because my laptop is a huge factor in me talking to my SO. For the record, I am not suicidal at this time, the self-harm was a coping method (yes, I realize this is unhealthy). So, I stopped. But the desire is still very much there and I've been looking for ways to get around her new rule.
Anyway, as you can imagine, my depression affects my SO and our relationship very much. She's great about supporting me and taking care of me; very loving and attentive and everything I could ask for. I never forget how lucky I am to have her. However...I feel like I'm neglecting her and her needs. She's adamant that I'm the one who needs to be taken care of right now, but I can tell how much this is affecting her, and I feel terrible.
She and I have Skype sleepovers at night. I cry myself to sleep almost every time. I frequently have panic attacks and call her in a frenzy of tears and how much I want to self-injure. Last night, when we both got into bed, I started crying; nothing unusual, really, just my own feelings and anxieties overwhelming me. She and I had a conversation and she began crying, too, because she apparently feels like she can't take proper care of me because of the distance. She worries about me all the time, and she feels like she said things that upset me last night and was insistent on apologizing. This wasn't true. I wasn't crying because of her, and I tried to explain that my being upset was because of my depression and overwhelming sadness, but she still seemed to feel responsible.
I think I make her feel inadequate. I feel guilty that she has to carry the weight of our relationship on her shoulders because I'm too sick to do it. All she wants to do is make sure I'm okay; she's selfless and caring, but I just want to make her understand that none of my problems are her fault. She's intent on blaming herself. Neither of us can seem to give an inch, and it shows; she's been sad all day. Through text messaging, I could just tell she wasn't herself, and...I realized, "This is what she deals with every single day." I am hating myself for not taking proper care of her.
We're both so involved in this that I don't think we can even see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Everything's gotten so muddled up that I can't identify the heart of the problem. I just want it to get better. I want to be healthy again, so I can return her endless favors of loving and caring for me unconditionally. It's not a fight between us. It's not even really a conflict. I don't know what it is, but it hurts and makes us sad.
My girl, Josephine, is a member of this site, so I know she'll see this. I'm even going to direct her attention to this thread and ask her permission to post our problems here. She may reply, she may sit back and watch what people say, I don't really know. But I'd like some opinions and insight, if anyone has anything to offer. I know this is really long, so thanks for reading.
Comment