Our lives are so different!

[Hildy]

I'm in college at a 4 year university and I live in the dorms. This is my first year. He lives at home and is going to a technical college back at home. He has a full time job and goes to school part time. He isn't in a degree program or anything and this concerns me. I really want a future with him, but I dont feel comfortable with his eduacation choices. Is this wrong of me to doubt him like this?
I have really started to settle into my life here and have started building some great friendships. I'm having a great time and my SO has been very supportive and happy for me, but I feel like he doesn't understand what my life is like anymore. We hardly have anything to talk about when we talk because we have less in common in our lives.
Its been putting some strain on our relationship lately and I'm not feeling as confident about our relationship as I once did. I still love him and want the very best for him. I want to work through this but at the moment we are in a tough spot and neither knows what to do or say.

Suggestions please?

[Haley53]

My partner is not currently attending university or a higher education program, whereas I am a third year at university. I actually find that the lack of common ground/"interest," so to speak, has provided us with more to talk about, simply because that difference gives me something to share with him that he doesn't already know. No, I can't ask him how his classes went and he may not be able to relate to the stress of midterms, but I can still go home and talk to him about my classes or some tidbit of information that I learned that I found particularly fascinating. Or I can talk to him about an event that I go to or some of the people I run into and have a chance to talk with (he's always encouraging me to be more social). If I'm having a social problem or even an academic problem, I can talk to him about that too; he's not currently in school, but he can still provide me with an objective opinion. So whilst I can understand not having anything in common to talk about, I'm not sure your educational goals are the problem. Could it be that you've simply hit a stagnant point in your relationship? I'm aware that some people have experienced a "slow point" in their conversations, where they've needed to find things that would help liven up that conversation or that would bring something more interesting into it than "how are you?" "good. You?" "good." "good." "..." "so talk to you later?" "sure, bye!" Perhaps something you could try is buying an x-number of questions book, or Googling suggestions for odd/funny/good/romantic/intimate/etc. conversation starters?

As far as his educational goals being different to yours, both my partner and I have different educational values. Whereas I'm aiming for grad school and my PsyD (or my PhD, depending on where I go), he's not sure how he feels about college. His opinion is that it's something he can go back and do if he decides to but for now, it's not something he's going to pursue. Whereas I'm aiming to become a business owner and make a very successful living, on top of wanting to become a published author and ideally work internationally as well, thus incorporating travelling into my career, he's happy with a humbler living. And the list goes on. But the thing is that this doesn't matter to me. It would matter to me if it reflected at all on his depth or intelligence, but it does not. He is an extremely smart and gifted person and was oftentimes incredibly bored in school/with his curriculum. That being said, what matters to me about someone having an education is that someone with an education seems more likely to be worldly, deeper, more intelligent/educated, and more ambitious in their doings (whether or not that's a stereotype, that's my predisposition of thought); he is all this without the higher education, therefore meeting my values and needs without necessarily needing to take the same path as I have/am to have gleaned those things. I think it's up to you to decide whether or not education itself is the value for you, or whether it's something that branches off of it.

The thing is that not everyone is going to take the path to higher education. It could be that he's very happy in what he's doing and doesn't feel school is as important because of it. Maybe he's not yet certain what he wants to do yet, or maybe he has yet to have the motivation to pursue it; maybe he wants to make a living working first (I've considered this with the possibility of taking a gap year for a working holiday after I graduate). For me, what's important is not so much a person's choices, but the reasons behind those choices and also the person themselves. For example, if my partner didn't go to school because he was lazy and unmotivated and didn't have any goals or dreams that could be accomplished with or without education, that would be entirely different than the reasons he's chosen not yet to pursue higher education (not to mention at this point it is not even something he could do based on his situation) and the fact he still does have dreams and goals. If your boyfriend is working because he doesn't want to put forth an effort for school, then that would be different than if he's happy, satisfied, and has a plan that may or may not involve higher ed; if he's a part-time student because he lacks ambition, that's entirely different than if he's a part-time student for some other reason. So to me, the question isn't so much his choices, but it's about his reasons, and the morals and values behind those reasons. I think it's okay to be uncomfortable with someone's choice. I have been uncomfortable with some of the choices my partner has made. However, I think if a future is to be involved, then what's more important is looking at the morals/values/qualities of the person you're dating, as I feel choices are something that can be looked past.

[Sharon Q]

I'm in college at a 4 year university and I live in the dorms. This is my first year. He lives at home and is going to a technical college back at home. He has a full time job and goes to school part time. He isn't in a degree program or anything and this concerns me. I really want a future with him, but I dont feel comfortable with his eduacation choices. Is this wrong of me to doubt him like this?

Going to a technical college is still a good thing, he can still have a career. He has a full time job. Thats a very good thing, I have tons of friends whom are out of work and cant find work at all. Going to a technical college will help him get other jobs and maybe he isnt sure about what degree program he wants to take.

Why not help him pick one? I talk to my SO about what he wants to do career wise as its an important part of life. I want him to do whatever job makes him happy. Just do your best to support him in his choices.

As for having different lives and not knowing what to talk about. Talk about your different lives and keep learning about each other. You two are bound to find some mutual thing in common. Just keep trying.

[books]

You said you don't feel comfortable with his educational choices, but what are his educational choices exactly? Is working full time/going to school part-time his long-term plan or something he needs to do in the meantime for financial reasons? Does he want to eventually begin a degree program or is he just content taking classes? It seems to me trying to gain some common ground on where you two want to be would be more beneficial than focusing on how your lives differ at this moment in time. Another important point is that it's his life and thus his educational/career choices so it seems a little unfair to pass judgment on him just because he's not enrolled in a 4-year school.

I have noticed that many people seem to view the graduate high school-go to 4-year college (live on campus)- graduate college- find great job- be happy to be the standard plan. That may work for some people, but not everyone has to or wants to follow that. I say that as someone who has been on my own since I was 17 and at one point thought college wasn't for me (for mainly financial reasons). Years after I finished high school, I began taking random classes at a community college (not enrolled in any degree program) and through lots of hard work, managed to eventually transfer to a 4-year school. I worked full-time the whole time and never even saw what a dorm looked like. I went on to earn my master's in a top program abroad and have gone on to have a very satisfying and successful career which includes working at the UN, winning awards, being asked to present my research in different countries, etc. So that is to say, don't doubt anyone's potential based on their current circumstances.

I will also add that my SO and I lead drastically different lives yet we have a shared vision of the future and have so far not run out of things to discuss.

[Zephii]

You don't have to only talk about things you're both interested in. I think that would be terribly limiting! Granted, you need to be aware of what you're talking about and not go on and on about it, but certainly share your life with him! I tell Obi about things he doesn't care about, like what my mates are doing and my religion, and he tells me a lot of things that I don't care about and would otherwise not be exposed to - like about different movies, D&D and his work. We almost always have something to talk about

Now, I know most people say you don't get a say in your partner's education choices and carrers, but I think of Obi as an extension of myself not as just another person because his choices will affect me. So, I think to some degree you're allowed to have a say. For example I've told him there are certain jobs I wont allow him to do, like joining the military or taking jobs that require a lot of travel from home - and he's told me there are jobs I can't do also.
But, that's as far as that goes. In your situation, what is it about his lack of training that bothers you? Not everyone needs or wants a bit of paper (certificate). Experience and seniority are very important too. If he's working in a field he enjoys /wants to work in, and he's happy with his choices, and his choices aren't disturbing your every day life then really that's not your business is it? Some people are more hands-on, they want to work rather than learn about working. Maybe let him open up to you about his job and what he does, why he enjoys it and you'll understand better.

[Hildy]

I really appreciate all of your input!

I am still quite young and have much to learn and what each of you has said has really helped me to look at our situation in many different angles. To books: I think that it is so great what you have done with your life. I really appreciate your sharing your experiences. From what you have said, I have taken a step back and tried to look at and appreciate my SO's point of view. I think that I need to trust him more to make his own decisions and support him in whatever it is he decides to do. He and I also share a similar view for the future.

Thank you very much for your help. I read through your suggestions with my SO and they was greatly helped us both.

[Swederica]

The only thing I can really say is that working full-time and studying part-time is pretty darn good to pull off.
What exactly is this technical college all about? To that also what exactly is it that's uncomfortable about his educational choices? I mean a lot of people simply got interests and/or a goal that doesn't require too much studying, not everyone can become a doctor or a nurse
How important is career for you? Considering you're at a university and you're uncomfortable with him not going to one I assume that career is very important. Is the fear that he will eventually hold you back from pursuing your career to it's fullest or just that you're afraid he lacks enough ambition?
Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to insult you or anything, just need to find out
I know my sisters boyfriend did not attend any higher education after high school, in Sweden though, but he's working full time as a contractor and is doing fine with that while my sister is attending university.

[Hildy]

No offense taken. I appreciate the honesty. I try to learn from every response that is given.

I was worried about his lack of ambition, but after reading prior suggestion on here and talking to him about it I learned that he just is unsure of what he wants to do yet. Right now, he is taking a landscaping class at the technical college to better himself in his current job.
I don't think he will hold me back from my education or my career. He has been nothing but supportive of me so far and I don't think he will change anytime soon.

I think I've just been being too critical of him lately. I just need to let him make his own decisions and not try to be controlling. Sometimes I confuse controlling with helping, unfortunately.

I'm learning.

[Ms.Justine]

Zephii makes a great point. You guys don't always have to talk about things you have in common...you would always be agreeing and that would be just awful! Try and focus on what you both are doing and explaining to each other - just details about what you're doing what assignments you have, work etc. Anything! As for the educational process...Not everyone is a scholastic learner...some people prefer trades or hands on work. Which is actually becoming a very popular trend and can lead to high paying jobs. (ie. A plumber, or a sanitation engineer (garbage man) Make more than an average high school teacher in the US and Canada...I myself am into my university and plan on getting two degrees - luckily so is my SO but its not for everyone and I wouldn't judge him for that.

However, I understand your concern for job choices. For example my SO is in the military but he is a technician and would likely never be deployed. That is the only reason I am consent with his job choice. But...I feel as though I am just regurgitating Zephii's post completely!

Good luck!

[Swederica]

I personally consider working fulltime and studying part time to be pretty ambitious
It could be worse, he could be lying around doing nothing. Like me O.o

[Hildy]

I personally consider working fulltime and studying part time to be pretty ambitious
It could be worse, he could be lying around doing nothing. Like me O.o

I think you are very right. I feel like I've been getting so wrapped up in my worries and feelings that I haven't been taking the time to really appreciate the things he has been doing in his life. I talked to him about this and told him that I realized this and he agreed that he felt the same way.

He always tells me to take it one day at a time. I think I need to just slow down and take his advice.

Thank you.

[Enric]

What's the problem with his education choices?

It sounds like you're too exigent, not everyone can go to the university. He works and studies, it sounds quite good except the time part. Maybe he doesn't have enough time for you.

[floridaellen]

I can understand your concern. However, just try to be focused on the positives. My SO works two jobs, both part time, and can't find a full time job. He wants to attend college but currently, due to some mistakes of his mother, didn't recieve any financial aid and can't do it yet. So I would be esastic if he could do both like yours does!
I am a big supporter of trade schools in general. Not everyone is set on the path of a 4 year degree. Some trades, like mentioned above, make way more money than careers which require higher education.

[Semperfikindoflove]

I understand where you are coming from as far as your concerns and fears, here's my advice to you.

Not everyone wants to go to a four year university, not everyone can afford it, and universities aren't always the best option for some individuals. I'll give you my personal example. I'm going to college for almost 7 years for corporate law, my goal is to be a corporate lawyer, it's pretty ambitious and it makes really good money. My best friend/boyfriend is in the Marines, he gets out in a few years (he signed a longer contract than most) and that's when he has to figure out what he is going to do with his life. It was the Marines all through high school and now he wants to have a different career/future. But he doesn't know what he wants and honestly, I'm okay with that because I know where I'm headed and he has time to figure it out still. I also know that my money will be able to cover my life and his if it gets to a point where I have a career and he's decides to go to college for some chosen career path. It is scary but remember that you have your stuff worked out and just because he is going to a tech college doesn't mean he's not ambitious, it just means you both do things a little bit differently, you both chose different paths. That's okay.

Another thing, being in a relationship means supporting them whether or not they chose the same path as you. Don't worry about his choices, you can't change them, they are his alone to make. That's true in every relationship and it's why I disagree with a lot of girlfriends I deal with in the Marines. What they don't understand is that you are not married, you are not committed for the rest of your life, you have to decide what choices to make for YOUR future and he needs to make his choices about HIS future. Those are two completely separate things, even if the end goal is to have a life together, right now you two need to do things to prepare yourselves for the future individually. I know that can be hard to think about but I've been through multiple relationships with Marines that I thought would last after 2 or 3 years together but fell apart and I almost gave up my future for that. There are no guarantees in the future with relationships, the only guarantees you can make are to yourself to ensure you have the best possible shot at a future. Good luck!

[kat4301]

I wouldn't forget that you are in the perfect place for him to see what four - year college is all about. My bf started in community college and thought he would just do a two-year program. But he spent some time with me on campus, came to a few classes, saw dorms living, became very familiar with degree programs, and eventually ended up transferring to my four-year college. He is now getting more education than I am! So yeah don't discount his own values and what everyone else has said, but show him around and make sure he has all the information before he makes a final decision.