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**Ms.Justine** · October 30, 2011, 08:53 PM

Uhh... I have a similar problem. It seems as though when I get into a relationship I become a magnet to men...whereas when I am single..nothing. But I honestly...and some of you might think I am an awful person - but I wouldn't necessarily tell my SO about these friends hitting on me. It'll only cause trust issues - and perhaps jealousy issues. Its not healthy for a relationship - especially a long distance relationship where your partner doesn't get the physical reassurance that your theirs. Unless you feel completely compelled to tell him - then tell him. But what that says to me is that you don't trust your friends if you feel the need/guilt trip to tell him.

Honestly, what I'd do is tell my friends that they're being inappropriate and if they respect me as a friend or want to continue the friendship they need to back off! Because what they are doing to you - is just disrespectful. Even if it is just playful banter. Its disrespect - period. If they don't back off then they're not your friends or they're not your true friends clearly they just want to sleep with you and that's all. So if you're truly committed to your SO you don't need them.

Perhaps look into getting some girlfriends, or guyfriends that will respect that you are in a committed relationship.

While my SO was gone I had a guy in my history class hit on me, and some random guy walk me to school and tell me I was the love of his life...awkward he later gave me his number Dion the crazy man... Bahaha. I told my SO as a joke. He didn't care because it wasn't people I am involved with in any way. Just randoms.

Hope this helped.

**floridaellen** · October 30, 2011, 09:01 PM

I have this happen kind of frequently even though I wear a promise ring. It's ridiculous. I even have a man tell me yesterday he wanted me to spank him. I normally either laugh it off like that one or tell them firmly I have a boyfriend and walk away.

**Haley53** · October 30, 2011, 09:04 PM

Originally posted by Ms.Justine View Post

It'll only cause trust issues - and perhaps jealousy issues. Its not healthy for a relationship - especially a long distance relationship where your partner doesn't get the physical reassurance that your theirs. Unless you feel completely compelled to tell him - then tell him. But what that says to me is that you don't trust your friends if you feel the need/guilt trip to tell him.

May I disagree? Both my partner and I share when we've been flirted with/hit on or when someone has crossed a line and I can't say it's ever bothered either of us. I can say, however, that he and I have full faith in one another, and confidence in ourselves as well, and that may play into the fact we have the tendency to find it hilarious more than anything... But perhaps we're odd.

The way I see it is that both he and I trust one another entirely. Neither one of us is the cheating sort, and neither one of us has any want or desire to cheat on the other. We also don't have the desire to keep friends in our lives who not only don't respect our relationship but our personal boundaries as well, and we're both assertive enough to the point that those boundaries are impossible for anyone to damn near miss. For me, I tend to give a warning. It's made known from the beginning that I'm in a relationship, and if they cross a line once, they get a strict warning about it; they do it again, and that's it, they're gone. I have no issue cutting anyone out of my life who does not respect my relationship, my boyfriend, or, most importantly, me, and my boyfriend is pretty well the same. So it isn't something we take too hard/insecurely.

**Ms.Justine** · October 30, 2011, 09:29 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

May I disagree? Both my partner and I share when we've been flirted with/hit on or when someone has crossed a line and I can't say it's ever bothered either of us. I can say, however, that he and I have full faith in one another, and confidence in ourselves as well, and that may play into the fact we have the tendency to find it hilarious more than anything... But perhaps we're odd.

The way I see it is that both he and I trust one another entirely. Neither one of us is the cheating sort, and neither one of us has any want or desire to cheat on the other. We also don't have the desire to keep friends in our lives who not only don't respect our relationship but our personal boundaries as well, and we're both assertive enough to the point that those boundaries are impossible for anyone to damn near miss. For me, I tend to give a warning. It's made known from the beginning that I'm in a relationship, and if they cross a line once, they get a strict warning about it; they do it again, and that's it, they're gone. I have no issue cutting anyone out of my life who does not respect my relationship, my boyfriend, or, most importantly, me, and my boyfriend is pretty well the same. So it isn't something we take too hard/insecurely.

Absolutely, but it seems as though you and your SO have a completely healthy relationship with a lot of trust! And a good sense of getting rid of people in your lives that cross those boundaries. I guess I am speaking more so to newer relationships and those with trust issues.

**Malaga** · October 30, 2011, 09:30 PM

I avoided the matter when I cut down contact with my single male friends. The ones I'm still in contact with are part of the same social circle so more like friends' friends and we're not close. It's not that I avoid men or anything, I just cut down these one on one close friendships. I estimated none of them were really true. My boyfriend never asked me to, he's the least jealous person I've ever met. Honestly, I didn't even do it because of him, although it does make this whole situation a lot easier.

I figured, if I'm friends with a guy who I know fancies me or would like to sleep with me, then all this friendship talk aside, ultimately I do it because it strokes my ego. How is that fair to the guy I'm 'friends' with, or even my boyfriend?

It's a controversial thing to do. But then, when a guy expresses interest or even worse, straight up tells you he'd like to f**k you, then obviously he has ulterior motives - is such a friendship really worth keeping, and what's the point of it?

**Haley53** · October 30, 2011, 09:58 PM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

I figured, if I'm friends with a guy who I know fancies me or would like to sleep with me, then all this friendship talk aside, ultimately I do it because it strokes my ego. How is that fair to the guy I'm 'friends' with, or even my boyfriend?

It's a controversial thing to do. But then, when a guy expresses interest or even worse, straight up tells you he'd like to f**k you, then obviously he has ulterior motives - is such a friendship really worth keeping, and what's the point of it?

I agree with the latter, but in regards to the former, depending on the friendship, is it fair to end a friendship based on feelings? For example, long complicated story made short, based on my partner's opinions of LDRs, and based on both mine and my partner's situations at the time, I decided not to express my feelings to him, but rather to move on and see other people. He liked me during this time, but did not say a word because he did not want to be seen as interfering. However, had he said something about it, simply to get it off his chest as opposed to saying it with the hopes of something coming out of it, I probably would not have ended the friendship. I did end the friendship in which a male friend of mine also had feelings for me but crossed the line/pushed his boundaries and lost our friendship as a result. Though I don't think it's possible to control who you have feelings for, I DO think it's possible to have self-control over those feelings and that it should be up to you whether or not you're able to handle them enough in the friendship. I can't say I, personally, have my ego stroked by when a male friend develops feelings - I actually find it quite inconvenient xD - but do you still see it as unfair to remain in a friendship with someone you know has feelings for you even though you're taken IF, and only if, they're respectful of your relationship/situation?

---------- Post added at 06:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:56 PM ----------

Also, I don't want to seem like a pushy, aggressive bitch. :P I'm simply curious to see the myriad of opinions, and this is actually a topic I find fascinating because of that myriad.

**Malaga** · October 30, 2011, 10:33 PM

Hey, don't worry about it, I really enjoy a good discussion

Yeah I do think it's fair to end a friendship if my friend develops feelings even if he's very respectful about it. It may not pose any inconvenience for me and my relationship, but what does he get from this friendship? How is it fair to him to have him stick around and pretend like I don't know what he really hopes for. It would be cruel to talk about my boyfriend or our relationship to someone who sees me as a romantic interest. It wouldn't be fair to keep a close relationship with someone who wishes this closeness could turn into something else. If I really cared about him as a person and a friend, I'd set him free.

I was never harsh, like "delete my number and never call me again", I just minimized contact and kept out of their lives so they could focus on someone else. Maybe that's not what they wanted to do at the time, but it's hard to walk away from a dead-end situation with someone when you're crushing on them. That's why it's my responsibility as a friend to set them free. When they get a girlfriend and have their romantic and sexual interests focused on someone else, if they still feel like being friends then why not.

**Haley53** · October 30, 2011, 10:51 PM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

Hey, don't worry about it, I really enjoy a good discussion

Yeah I do think it's fair to end a friendship if my friend develops feelings even if he's very respectful about it. It may not pose any inconvenience for me and my relationship, but what does he get from this friendship? How is it fair to him to have him stick around and pretend like I don't know what he really hopes for. It would be cruel to talk about my boyfriend or our relationship to someone who sees me as a romantic interest. It wouldn't be fair to keep a close relationship with someone who wishes this closeness could turn into something else. If I really cared about him as a person and a friend, I'd set him free.

I was never harsh, like "delete my number and never call me again", I just minimized contact and kept out of their lives so they could focus on someone else. Maybe that's not what they wanted to do at the time, but it's hard to walk away from a dead-end situation with someone when you're crushing on them. That's why it's my responsibility as a friend to set them free. When they get a girlfriend and have their romantic and sexual interests focused on someone else, if they still feel like being friends then why not.

Interesting, and I can certainly see your point. I may share a different one primarily because I feel that at my age, I'm responsible enough to consider and decide whether or not I'm able to remain friends with someone who may not return my affections. For example, after I expressed my feelings to my SO in December. He admitted having them for me, too, but that didn't change that, at the time, he did not want a LDR because of previous association. I graciously accepted this because I hadn't expected him to return my feelings at all, merely had wanted to give him an understanding into my recent behaviour, but I told him beforehand (and it did not change after) that I did not want our friendship to be affected, changed, or ruined by it. I have been friends with people who have not reciprocated my feelings, such as this one lad in high school, and though of course I faced issues of upset and though of course it was difficult to hear them talk about their others, I was also well capable of being friends and setting my feelings aside. If I'm not, then it's up to me to decide whether or not I can continue to be friends, and I have made difficult decisions.

I feel I owe my friends this same benefit/choice/opportunity. I was once told by someone, in a playful-but-serious manner, that if he and I ever end our relationship, she's claiming me. I laughed it off, more or less, but I also made it quite clear that I have no intention of ending it with him/that we see no ending date in mind. She and I are still friends, despite her feelings, and they've not once interfered. And I would like to think that most people have a line. I think that for most people, once they get to a certain point of "enough is enough," then they make a decision that, yes, maybe they should have made sooner, but that's best for them. I don't feel it's in my responsibility or that it's in my authority to dictate someone else's - let alone an adult's - choice to be friends with me. But this may, again, be because I have managed to learn and exercise the rights of my own limits.

**Sharon Q** · October 30, 2011, 11:16 PM

There are friends who I've liked and wanted more with but we stayed friends. Of course I don't feel near as strongly about them as I did in the past but we are still friends.

You can stay friends with someone you've once had feelings for as long as you understand they don't feel that way for you and you're able to let go of your feelings for that person.

I still care about my friend a lot, but just as a friend now. I wouldn't want to be with anyone but my current boyfriend, I see myself spending my life with him and only him.

But my point was, you can still be friends with someone you've once had romantic feelings for.

**DemonxOisin** · October 30, 2011, 11:23 PM

I liked my best guy friend for a pretty long time. And I was very clear about it. At one point he said no he would never date me because he doesn�t want to ruin our friendship.
AS SOON as I get into this relationship with my SO, he began hitting on me. And it hasn�t stopped since (1 year later).

**Sharon Q** · October 30, 2011, 11:44 PM

I liked my best guy friend for a pretty long time. And I was very clear about it. At one point he said no he would never date me because he doesn�t want to ruin our friendship.
AS SOON as I get into this relationship with my SO, he began hitting on me. And it hasn�t stopped since (1 year later).

Its probably one of those " I want what I can't have " mentality

**Malaga** · October 30, 2011, 11:46 PM

@Eclaire
I understand your point of view, it makes sense. I think it just comes down to different perspectives and what you put emphasis on. I think I ended up sounding more samaritan than I intended. The bottom line is that I don't feel comfortable being close to someone knowing they hope for something other than what I can give. I don't feel I'm doing right by that person and I don't see how this can benefit either of us. I want a friend and the other person wants a lover and neither of us actually get what we want. By my standards this isn't a fair relationship and that bothers me.

**Rosebud** · October 31, 2011, 12:47 AM

I have had a friend of mine express feelings to me even though she was well aware of my relationship with my boyfriend. I do wish sometimes that it had just been a simple matter of someone wanting to be sex-buddies since in that case it would just be easy to shoot them down, roll my eyes and continue with life. But in this instance she expressed real feelings for an actual relationship and I admit this was a very difficult issue for me as she IS my friend and I did not wish to hurt her. She was aware of my relationship and I do not blame her for sharing her feelings with me as I know she did not intend to cause me any trouble, simply that I know she must have been hurting and needed to let it out. Of course, I love my boyfriend and would not leave him for her, yet I do feel this has affected our friendship despite our agreeing that this was just a blip in time and that we have moved on from it. She is extremely sweet and says she does not feel that I was cruel to her as she knows she put me in a tight spot in not wanting to hurt her, but I do notice I speak with her even less than before, both from lack of time and my own guilt for hurting her. This is not something I have spoken with my boyfriend about as I am unsure how he would feel about the whole thing as I am afraid he will think I have feelings for her or that I was deceiving when that was absolutely never my intentions.

**Swederica** · October 31, 2011, 01:34 AM

Me and my former girlfriend broke up partly because of her inability to tell people that she had a boyfriend or simply to just say no.
At one time this guy started hanging out alot with her, she knew he had feelings for her but instead of telling him she had a bf she just hung out more with him.... I had to tell him myself to end the nonsense, he still went on to become one of her best guyfriends, awkwardly enough.
Throughout the relationship she barely ever told people, whether they asked or not, that she had a boyfriend and almost seemed embarrassed about it.
Personally I got nothing of the sort since I was proud of being in a relationship and may actually have been obnoxious for a few since she was one of the first things they got to know about me

I also haven't tried to get any close friendship with any other girl just out of respect.

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