"He Ended It" Update

[Haley53]

For the original thread, go here: https://members.lovingfromadistance....54-He-Ended-It

I wanted to update everyone on the situation. I was more or less "bugging" him about boundaries, simply because I needed to have a, at the very least, semi-solid idea about what they were. For example, I'm very used to referencing kisses or sleep cuddles (hell, cuddles in general), and used to being very verbally affectionate as well. Given that he's told me he cannot be in a relationship at the moment yet doesn't want the affection to stop, I was hoping to be told/figure out where we were drawing the line, as I really do not want to cross any boundaries and negatively impact our relationship. I did also express my insecurities about "other people" and though some would have recommended I didn't, I'm quite glad I did, because it received a response that very clearly laid out what I needed to further understand his decision. He told me, paraphrasing here:

'This is not about anybody else. I can't be a boyfriend right now. With everything that's happened, I need time to re-evaluate who and what I am. I need you to believe me.'

And for some reason that was what I needed for things to "click," more or less. It's actually quite funny, really: he's made the transition into saying I'm not his girlfriend "for right now"/"at the moment"/etc., but he's made it very clear he does not want the affection to stop and he's been quite affectionate himself. Given these circumstances, though again I'm trying not to build on the premise of false hope, my confidence level has risen a bit in the idea/suggestion that this may really only be temporary, and it's given me a revived sense of strength and courage; I actually woke up feeling something other than self-destructive about the situation.

But I simply wanted to update everyone on the "progress" that's been made. Even though the circumstances have, in general, still been difficult to deal with (despite his clarification, despite my having gained a deeper understanding, despite our relationship remaining primarily unchanged), I've been hanging in there, and I have to say the support of this community has helped a lot and it has been incredibly uplifting. I do hope to continue to be able to lean on you for support, even if I'm currently experiencing a more hopeful moment. :P But my mother said that he's likely thinking and talking about me as much as I am/have been about him, that she can simply feel it in her most intuitive senses, so that made me feel a little less like we're a lost cause as well, in addition to everyone almost vehemently disagreeing with me that this is a permanent break...

EDIT -- I also want to add that he's still wearing our symbol of commitment that I sent him (I have been unable to wear mine emotion-free), which I'll admit has left me feeling somewhat mixed since he says he's unable to commit to being a boyfriend/maintaining a relationship at the moment. I don't want to nag him about it, but I really haven't been able to wear mine without wanting to cry. :/ Because it is symbolic of a commitment that does not, in my mind, exist, but it's possible I am putting more stock in titles than I should be?

[uniquefem]

*hugs*

Sorry to hear this, i hope this is the best for both of you....

---------- Post added at 04:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:36 PM ----------

*hugs*

Sorry to hear this, i hope this is the best for both of you....

[Joyce:)]

Hang in there. I'm glad you got a bit of clarification, it's already tought to be on a break, it's even tougher to be on a break while long distance, with a huge time difference and problems communicating properly.
You're taking it like a champ, given the situation. All i can say is a hope this doesn't last long,and i hope you don't put your life in hold in the meanwhile. I obviously don't mean it in the way "go out and meet boys", but in the way "go out, hang out with your friends, have fun, go to the movies, go shopping, play a sport, cook, learn how to knit, take up some other hobby.." (personally, i believe shopping is the best cure, to everything, especially since chocolate is helpful too, but it has the habit of staying on people's hips).
But really, don't let yourself feel down, as much as you may think this situation sucks. he still loves you, and that's what matters. you're perfect for each other, you just happen to be in not the best situation. Good luck xx

[Haley53]

I actually tend to feel at my worst when he doesn't have credit (like at the moment), since without credit, he can't text, and that's the way we communicate. I have told him to tell me if he needs me to top him up by a bit, but I've already done it once, I'm not sure he wants me to continue doing it (he's weird that way), though I will if we go a couple days or more without being able to talk. I can't handle not being in contact. I think even if our daily contact is limited, it's still contact and reassurance as such. Too many anxieties and insecurities when we don't get to talk, even if we aren't talking/don't get to talk about us at all.

I keep trying to remind myself that it hasn't even been a month since she passed away. I keep trying to remind myself that this wound is still very recent. I'm surprised every time I take the time to consider the situation because it feels like so much longer, but it was his mother and they were extremely close and he's not going to get over it in a month, though I do hope we still get a chance to talk with one another soon. I really want to hear what he's written for me and I am physically aching to hear his voice. I think I'm still really uncertain/confused because it's hard for me to see where treating one another as boyfriend/girlfriend without the title of "boyfriend/girlfriend" is any different than having the titles, but I suppose that I need to allow him to do what he needs to do; I understand completely that he needs to take some time to concentrate on himself, and only himself, as this really is one complete upheaval.

I woke up feeling a bit sad this morning but I think that's down to the lack of credit and knowing I won't receive a response to the text I sent and knowing I won't be able to talk with him until he's topped up again. :/ I miss him more on the days I wake up being well aware of that. But again, I'm hanging in there, trying not to hurt as much as I have been. I think the most difficult thing has been dealing with becoming painfully aware of male attention I attract. My sister and I went to grab pizza a while ago and one of the employees there (my age, maybe a bit older) has had eyes for me since he saw me, according to my unimpressed mother. Not that he had a chance to begin with, but he seriously ruined all when he kept interrupting my sister's and my conversation to try and flirt several times. It got so bad I actually had to walk out of the restaurant at which point he called after me "if it's boy problems..." and that sent my heart racing with anxiety and fury because my sister said "that's exactly what it is" and I was furious because it was none of his business; it's why I told her to talk more quietly, as I could see him eavesdropping. And it wasn't like we looked as though we were having a pleasant conversation, either. I was literally in tears. My eyes were swollen and red. Even my sister said I looked miserable when my mother suggested maybe he couldn't tell what we'd been talking about. But even if he couldn't, he still eavesdropped on what we were talking about. I simply found it incredibly rude and I have actually considered going in to speak with the manager about it. :/ This only happened Monday. But I think I'm more aware of the male attention I receive because I'm so used to having "I'm taken" as a safeguard and quite frankly, I don't have the energy to deal with some obnoxiously flirtacious college boy (or people in general). So I've become a bit more isolated and withdrawn...

However, I have tried to get out more with my mother and sister. This weekend will be spent studying and making flashcards and getting caught up on some lectures I'm behind in, but yesterday, my mother and I spent the afternoon/evening in the city, which was nice. And we'll probably spend some time together today as well. I'm still working (have a new student as of today!) and going to school, so that should keep me busy as well, even if it's hard to find the motivation for it sometimes. I think the biggest issue is eating/sleeping. I was able to conk out for a while last night but I have not been sleeping at all, and everything that I eat upsets my stomach immensely. I feel like I'm starving, then I take a nibble of something because I feel it's probably best that I eat, all of a sudden food feels heavy and ick, and I don't want to eat anymore but I do because I need to, and then it ends up sitting heavily in my stomach and either giving me terrible cramps/indigestion or I end up throwing up. My body reacts really violently to stress and depression, and I feel like it's almost impossible to take care of myself with my body putting up a fight to food and sleep as it is.

EDIT -- My mother came in and told me we can go to the beach today, since I start with the new student next Saturday.

[Haley53]

I also want to add that he's still wearing our symbol of commitment that I sent him (I have been unable to wear mine emotion-free), which I'll admit has left me feeling somewhat mixed since he says he's unable to commit to being a boyfriend/maintain a relationship at the moment. I don't want to nag him about it, but I really haven't been able to wear mine without wanting to cry. :/ Because it is symbolic of a commitment that does not, in my mind, exist, but it's possible I am putting more stock in titles than I should be?

[Joyce:)]

Don't worry, his mind is just unable to deal with so many responsabilities at once, and his coping meccanism is to break up for a bit so he can feel a bit less pressure on his shoulders.
He loves you, and that isn't going to change overnight, whether you two have a label or not. Time will help him put things back in perspective after that his whole world has changed forever. In the meanwhile, since it seems to make you feel better, write, write on a diary, on there, on pieces of paper, write down your emotions and try to have a clear mind so that when he is finally ready, you two can start your relationship all over.
*hugs*

[Sierra]

Keep hanging on. I think he's working on his emotions but it does sound like he's committed to you. I'm glad that you got some clarification, tbh, I called my boyfriend my boyfriend for like a year before he actually was, but whatever lol. Ok that might be a little crazy but I knew there was something so special between us.

There's something special between you guys too and I think you guys will work it out. Keep staying the course, it'll be worth it.

[Haley53]

I actually do want to start journalling again, as writing everything out really does help.

He ended up being on MSN earlier, and he only signed off now, so we had a good four and a half hours' worth of conversation. We talked a lot about what's going on, and it was nice that he allowed me to be there for him and provide him with comfort. He also wanted to see the blog I'd been putting together for him, even if I described it as "girlfriendy," though I ended up crying at the earlier contributions to it because it talked about how much blind faith and trust I'd put in him and in the relationship and that I really sincerely did trust he wasn't going to leave me/end our relationship. He felt terrible and wasn't sure what to say, though I assured him it/I was fine and I didn't expect him to say anything. He then said he felt horrible because he felt/was worried I didn't mean anything the blog had talked about anymore because "things changed" and then said "And you stopped updating it like 6 days ago lol." So he would like me to continue keeping up with it and I think I'm going to grant him that.

I feel emotionally drained and exhausted because of all the emotions involved in our conversation (not all of it was heavy) but it was nice to speak with him again. He says he's not sure when he'll be able to get online MSN again but that he's missed me a lot as well. So it was nice to be able to sit down and talk.

He promised me he wasn't going to abandon me and reiterated that he loves me and that I mean so much to him and he cares deeply for me and loves me deeply, which was a nice reassurance. I feel like I should be feeling happier than I am, especially since I was provided with a lot of insight merely being allowed the time to have him let me into his head for a bit, but I'm assuming it's the exhaustion of the overwhelming surge of emotions at being able to talk with him properly that's keeping me from leaping for joy. I quite want to sleep... But I need to continue studying for my midterm.

But thank you both for your positive encouragements. I think I look outward more often than I should, but having external support and hearing positive words and phrases mean so, so much to me and give me a feeling of strength and courage.