Are LDRs REALLY Harder?

[Haley53]

I mentioned this on another thread and decided to post a topic about it. I realise there was one in May, but I'm reviving it, and with a different opinion.

I feel that sometimes, and I imagine I've done it too, people tend to adopt a bit of an Elitist attitude around being in a LDR, for a myriad of reasons. I've heard everything from that their relationship is stronger than a close-distance relationship because sex isn't such a high priority that other issues get shoved out of the way to that there are deeper levels of trust, honesty, and communication in a LDR than in a CDR. I have also heard the negative inverse of these statements: some people feel people are more likely to cheat in a LDR than a CDR, and some people feel that though there may be greater communication, it's more of a friendship than a relationship.

I feel I personally fall somewhere in the middle.

I tend to believe that a lot of people in LDR learn to communicate sooner than a lot of people in CDRs, simply because they have to. But that doesn't eliminate communication issues from arising at all in LDRs, and many are the same as in CDRs! Sure, there may be some things that are unique to a LDR, such as needing to figure out times to communicate with one another simply because that's what your relationship is based on, but the insecurity around other women is not going to magically disappear once you become close-distance. If you have a reoccuring argument over the same damn thing, it's not going to be resolved the instant you become long-distance. If you are both guilting one another or you take out your anger/stress on the other, that won't go away either. These are all issues that can be solved with communication, but not by the amount of distance there is between you. You may feel less insecure when you're able to spend time with your boyfriend's female friends when you're there, but this is masking an insecurity, not eliminating it, and that was my point in the other thread. I think communication tends to be better in LDRs because it's required given the circumstances, whereas it may take some time to figure it out in CDRs (not in all cases) because it's easier to mask. But the way I see it is like learning something, sometimes you simply have to do, and get your hands dirty, before you can learn.

I feel the same way as I do above with trust and honesty. I feel like a LDR is really being tossed out of a helicopter into the middle of a great body of water. You can choose to sink, or you can choose to swim, and I think most anyone, given our fight or flight response, would choose to swim. In a LDR, yes, trust is still earned and not easily handed over, but I think people in CDRs have the benefit of more time to build that trust. For me, at least, trust has been required in both my LDRs near from the beginning, simply based on the circumstances, and honesty has been too. But isn't honesty something that should be present in a close-distance relationship? It isn't always, no, but it's not always present in a LDR, either. I don't see honesty as being something that's relationship specific at all, and I don't think it's required any less in a CDR than a LDR, frankly. If my partner all of a sudden stopped being more honest with me because we became CD, I'd be sorely upset. And when it comes to cheating, I don't think people in a LDR are any more or less likely to cheat than someone in a CDR, because I think cheating is not necessarily about the relationship or the partner but rather it says a lot about the cheater, and I think that someone who cheats LD has just as much capacity to cheat CD.

And again, when it comes to sex. I disagree that LDRs are stronger because sex is less of a priority. I think a good number of people have expressed being horny as hell when going to see their partners. :P And there's nothing wrong with that. True enough, it's impossible to have a substantial friends with benefits situation in a LDR, so you avoid that, but in my opinion, people wanting a relationship that's solely sexual aren't the type of people who would enter into a LDR to begin with. Personally, I don't see sex as separate to getting to know, love, and understand my partner but rather as an extension of it. And given what many people have said here, such as on the "First Time Touching Your Partner's Equipment" thread, I can assume that many of you would agree that that is what your sexual experiences, at least your first ones (with each other), have been like. I don't see this as being any different to being in a CDR. For example, my morals don't all of a sudden change in a LDR from a CDR. :P I don't all of a sudden become less likely to want sex. I simply don't see it as so much of a priority that I need it/the physical affection before I need anything else, but this would be true in a close-distance relationship as well, and my timelines for sex in a LDR and CDR would be about the same and have the same "standards."

I will agree that LDRs are particularly hard in one area: closing the distance. Because a) there's the fact that one partner has to completely uproot themselves, not from a house, an apartment, or college dorm room, but from a new state/country and b) there's the fact that you do have to learn how to be close-distance with one another, whereas people who have had CDRs already have that benefit; if you were CD once before, then you have to re-learn it, and I think these things are unique to being in a LDR. But being in a CDR has its perks and own sets of issues as well. Do I believe that LDRs are harder because you don't get to see your partner as often (this is the second "particularly hard" area/issue)? Damn straight I do. I think that separation is an immense test that yes, I will admit you don't have to face in a CDR (though I'm not sure it's always necessary, and I don't feel it's any more proving of one's love), but the way I feel about it is that whether you're long-distance or close-distance, it doesn't change who you are fundamentally. The issues you have in a LDR, you'd be facing in a CDR as well, and vice versa, and they'd both present you with their own unique set of, as I said, perks and issues. This is coming from someone who's in a LDR, but I don't feel it's fair to say that LDRs are stronger than CDRs based on circumstances you didn't choose, because if you were CD, I think your timeline would easily follow that of your friends' relationship timelines as far as the learning process. :P I don't think learning lessons sooner makes the relationship any stronger, simply because I think if fundamentally, you're the sort of person who can work on the issues in your relationship and really work and compromise to make it work and to maintain a stable, healthy relationship, then you're going to be that way CD as well.

I understand that others will likely share different opinions, so what do you think and why?

[mllebamako]

I've said this in other threads: I personally don't think an LDR is harder than being in a CDR. I just think that it's hard in a different way. It's just a whole different set of problems.

When we were long distance the problems were related to technology (crappy internet connections), loneliness, etc. Now that we are back close distance, the problems are completely different. We have to try to fit into each others lives. And like you said, one of us has to live in a foreign place without their support system. We have the daily struggles now to try and figure out, things that weren't so present when we were LD.

So no, not harder, just a whole different beast

[NaNi]

I'm not sure if it's harder as I've never been in a CD relationship, but it's definitely extremely hard anyway. At least for me. We barely get to talk and we can't really visit. If my SO had unlimited broadband and if we could visit more often... yes, it would be manageable. It still is, but we tend to fight a lot and we do get really lonely.

[princessmeg1328]

I don't think the LDRs are necessarily harder than CDRs. I think it the circumstances that make it harder. For example when you are CD, you get to see your SO a lot more often than when you're long distance. You don't have to worry so much about when you're going to see the person next or finances when you're that close. The relationship in and of itself is just as hard long distance as it is close distance. It's the things that LDRs bring with them such as worrying about flights, where to stay, loneliness, not speaking for days at a time in some circumstances, and things like that that are harder to deal with. Having said that though, being close distance has issues that are hard to deal with too, but I feel (after spending 4 months with my SO) that those issues are easier to handle because you have that person there with you.

[Sierra]

I think that without the face time, it's harder to maintain a long distance relationship than a close distance one.

That being said, long distance relationships actually work better than close distance relationships for some people for a myriad of reasons.

I think that close distance relationships may allow you to see fundamental flaws in a relationship or a person before you see them in an LDR. Part of my issue about LDRs being 'easy' is that you can make your partner into anyone you want them to be as you don't get to spend a lot of time with them. There's a huge issue there with illusion, lies and deceptions. Which I will say, yet again can happen in a close distance relationship.

Here's the bottom line for me. I think that being in an LDR forces your ability to effectively communicate with your partner as you have nothing other than communication. I think this is a factor that get glossed over frequently in close distance relationships.

Do I think my relationship is stronger than others who aren't long distance? No. But do I think my relationship is strong, yes.
Do I think my relationship will be and is better than other who aren't long distance? Not at all.

[lucybelle]

With my current relationship, LD was by far worse and much harder than CD. We've been getting along great and occasionally we're like "can you believe we get along so well?" Every once in a while we discuss things, but it's normally silly things like "please squeeze out the sponge when you're done otherwise it stinks".

[Bethypoo]

I too like the OP, am in the middle. I think it is harder because you don't have that intimate time. You cant have your hand held or be kissed or be hugged at the end of a badday. You can't be in the same room when you need to work out an argument. Things like that make it harder.

HOWEVER, i think that being LD makes relationships stronger than CD couples. Here is why: you have to work harder to stay in the relationship. You dont see them everyday so you are required to make an effort that isnt required as strongly in CD relationships because you are with them most days. Also, you dont have the luxury of actually seeing you SO and therefore they cant read your body language to know when there is a bad day so you have to actually tell them when there is a problem. You have to tell them when you are mad at something they did instead unti they figure it out with your body language. And the issue of trust is a whole other topic.

Anyway, it all depends on your prospective, but I think that are definatly some positive things that come from being LD that CD couples dont get until later.

[Malaga]

Ultimately it depends on the people in the relationship, how compatible and committed they are. Some LDRs might be stronger than some CDRs, and the other way round. Distance is just the context in which relationship issues are played out. When you don't get enough face time it can be more challenging to work around these issues, but when two people are determined to make it work, circumstances don't make a difference.

[ioanna]

That's not an easy post to reply to... i'll have to come back when i'm more awake
For the past two years, when it comes to me, things have been harder to deal with emotionally LD than CD. It is probably due to the particular situation we're in, like my SO isn't very expressive when we're not in person, or the fact that we barely can communicate due to our difficult schedules and time difference. Other than that, no i don't think being LD is harder than being CD, it takes the same commitment and you also take risks, make mistakes, etc. Like Mlle Bamako said, the difficulties are different in shape and form, but you still have difficulties.

[kteire]

I'd say it's too different from couple to couple to definitively say. My SO and I have faced challenges being LD, sure, but I have no idea what our relationship would have been like CD. I've never dated anyone I loved this much CD, so I've found this relationship easier and happier than any other I've had. I think the strength of a relationship and the communication within it determine how well it does in the long run, not so much the distance!

[Dziubka]

To get that out of the way:
Long distance, close distance, un my opinion if your relationship is "hard", then you're doing something fundamentally wrong.
Sure relationships require effort and sometimes it's not easy to give all the effort required, but generally you should happily put effort into the relationship. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good, not a burden.

But on the topic:
Imho you can't say that one kind of relationship is easier or more difficult to maintain than the other.
We all know that being in a long distance relationship is very very painful at times. Most of all I wish my boyfriend could be more of a part of my daily life. I feel like I can't share my life with him, the way I'd like to.
I've never understood the concept of how not focusing on physical intimacy is supposed to strengthen a relationship. In the worst case, it leads to sexual frustration which is definitely NOT making the relationship stronger at all.

Like Sierra said, in an LDR it's very easy, to make your SO fit to the mental picture you have of them, even when they're not exactly like that. I can tell myself that "if my boyfriend was here now, he'd surely do this-and-that" and there's no way I can be proven wrong.
I feel like this might be one of the biggest risks/main reasons for LDRs falling apart after you close the distance. It's only when you spend a lot of time together, that you realize that your SO doesn't match the mental super-hero picture you might have had of them.

In contrast to Bethypoo, I don't believe that LDRs require more effort. Close distance relationship require a lot more compromises in every day life. So what if your SO's messy, leaves the tooth pase open or doesn't like to take out the trash? It's easier to be friendly on the phone/skype for an hour a day, than compromise on habits you've had your whole life.

Generally, I think, that close distance relationships are more fragile. There are a lot more reasons to fight about and you have to be ready to give up more if your partner lives close than if you see them once a month (or less than that) and talk on the phone for the rest of the time. That's not saying that I think they're harder, though.
They're just 'hard' in a different way than long distance relationships.

[Jgui]

I don't think LDR are necessarily harder than CDR. There are challenges that LRD has that a close-distance won't have but it also has its benefits.

I personally think being in a LDR takes a lot of commitment, trust, and faith into the relationship. When you're miles apart from your SO you have to know this is the person you are willing to fight for at the end of the day. Trust is a huge issue in LDR, it's almost built right from the start of the relationship; whereas in a CDR you have time to time up that trust. Having faith that one day this distance will all end and you'll be in each others arms forever.

I'm in my 1st LDR and i see the difference in myself in terms of handing and nurturing for this relationship. I have full trust in my SO from the very start and am committed to him since day one.

[Zephii]

Wow, that was a lot to chew through at 6:30am o.O

The first time, I found LDR much easier than I am this time. I still don't think it's the end of the world, and people make it out to be a lot worse than it actually is - but yes it's harder. It's a lot bloody harder than CD. Amount of time to communicate and do things together really makes a difference, and we had a lot more of that in round one, but then I find after so long of not having to be tied to my laptop, I don't want to be and I'm impatient to be doing other things. It complicates things when you want to be together but you don't want to be sitting on your arse.

One thing that makes it much harder you didn't cover was the cost. LDR is harder financially. There's closing the distance reated costs like moving/shipping goods or buying new things because you can't ship what you have, visa expenses (We're upto just shy of three grand for this one visa alone now, and we still might not get it!), some people need adaptors or to buy new items if the electricity is different in their new place, of course there's moving yourself too so flights or petrol money etc... then there's the maintaining a LDR expenses, gifts, packages and letters (you can argue it isn't necessary, and it isn't really, but it sure helps), flights/petrol, wear and tear on a car if you're driving, buying the required technology or keeping up with your phone bill.... it's just more expensive. And the further you are apart the higher that cost rises.
Financial stress is one of the biggest causes for divorce too, go figure.

I do think that being in an LDR (at least if you're doing it right) promotes better honesty and communication. On the communication front, you don't have a choice. It's all you've got so you need to use it to your best advantage otherwise you'll fail. I did notice that CD Obi and I communicated less and sometimes not as effectively. We simply didn't talk as much and deeper things were harder to broach. For honesty, yes, it is easier to lie to someone if you're not going to bump into them during your day, but I feel many people are less inclined to lie LD, I know I am - especially back in the early days of our relationship. We told each other everything, because it really didn't matter what the other person thought of us. We could be completely ourselves - and we saw something there we both fell in love with. It's easier to be honest when your keyboard is your fortress (which is also why there are so many rude people online - it's easy to say what you think and not care who reads it or views it) whereas CD you are more inclined to put your best face forward even if that's not your most honest face.
You are right though, honesty should be present in a CD relationship once it's established and there's no reason for it to be less than in an LDR of the same length.

It's also easier to achieve communication if you're CD. You just walk over and go "Hey, blah blah". LD there's a good chance they are asleep and wont hear their phone/their computer is off, or busy, or they have no signal, or the wireless is dropping out every twenty seconds and the post takes two weeks. Sometimes no matter how much you want to talk you can't because all your methods are unavailabe. You never have to worry about that CD for any length of time. He's at work and you can't call? It's only going to be a few hours. He's asleep? You can shake him. It's easier.

I don't know how other people are doing it, but sex is equally as high a priority LD for us. Actually, it might even be higher, it's certainly on his mind a lot more! And, you have to try three times as hard to make it satisfying. If you're tired and only semi-into it and you're CD you can generally put in a half-arsed effort and it'll still be alright, whereas LD you either need to be into it or you're going to have to lie because there is no "laying there and taking it" in an LDR. I don't think the lack of sex makes LDRs stronger though, I really agree that's people big-noting themselves.
I disagree on the no LDR bedbuddies situation though. For me, Obi and I started out pretty close to the cyber version of friends with benifits. Sex is largely in the mind after all. If you can cheat on someone emotionally and intellectually - than it must also be possible to have a sexual relationship emotionally and intellectually. Or that's my theory anyway!

I do think LDR has made us stronger as a couple. There was a time where we couldn't do it, even considering closeing the distance was too hard, we didn't want to try to have a relationship. There was this huge hurdle we needed to get past. It takes a lot of strength to do that, and once you're past one set of challenges you're a bit better able, a little stronger, when you face the next set. Yes, that's potentially true for CD couples as well - but happens less, because they are not always forced to undergo such large challenges. (There's less standing in their way of being together.) LDR has made our relationship stronger because we've fought so hard just to be together that petty things don't get to us as much, they are dwarfed by what we have already done together. We are able to tackle problems together more effectlively.

LDR also tends to mess with the relationship's time-line. When you're actually together shit happens like it's in fastforward but the rest of the time it's a bit like your life is on pause (the relationship aspect anyway.) For example: in real-time it looked as though we were sex fiends pouncing on each other without hardly swapping names first, while we'd actually been very close and 'sexual' on a mental level for a long time, and in real time we'd been together two months and one week when we started living together - but in actual fact we'd been dating far longer. There's a frusterating stop-go thing happening.

LDR is also more stressful after the distance is closed, whereas CD people don't really need to think of that (or some people returning to CD). There's the usual missing people back home thing, and perhaps not being able to get home if something happens to someone you love, but for international couples there's the risk of the government deciding you can't be together anymore. The risk of accidently doing something that might mess with your visa. The risk that your happiness might only be temporary if you're not on the ball enough.

I admit we both struggled with CD, we didn't know how to communicate properly, or how to have fun together away from our PCs - but this transitional stuff would be the same for someone going LD from CD. All in all CD was more rewarding. CD is also (imo at least) how it's supposed to be. There's something inherantly unnatural about being LD. CD is the goal - no one wants to stay LD forever. (Or no one I've met)

Very interesting thread!

[Haley53]

I've been reading everyone's responses since I posted this this morning and it's very interesting to see where everyone stands on the issue.

@Zephii -- You're right, I forgot to consider the cost! And especially for us international couples, that's a huge disadvantage. I will also agree that the logistics (cost of travel, Visas, etc.) are a bit different to if you're, say, dating someone who attends the same university and is living on-campus or in the same town.

I simply feel that a lot of people tout their LDRs as being stronger, and much harder, than CDRs (granted I often hear it in the argument of why LDRs are real relationships, so perhaps it's more of a retaliation than anything to say "in fact, my relationship is stronger than a CDR because...") as my opinion remains that they each come with their own sets of advantages and disadvantages, and I was curious as to the general opinion on it.

Thank you everyone for your thorough responses!

[Sora1101]

I think I'm near somewhere in the middle leaning towards LDR's being harder, at least from my standpoint of being a teenager in a relationship that we can't tell our parents about. When I was in a CDR I could go and see my boyfriend any time I wanted, I could hug him and kiss him and what not, we could go on dates and he was a part of my everyday life, and I'm not saying that my SO isn't a part of my everyday life but he isn't here experiencing it with me, anything I do I have to tell him about I can't be like oh hey remember that time when we did this together?

Being in a secret relationship requires a lot more work than people would think, we have to watch how often we're texting in front of people that can't know, we have to watch our facial expressions when we text for fear someone noticing us just randomly smiling at our phones (I've been caught a few times but due to some quick thinking have saved my butt) we really can't leave our phones unguarded in case a parent or sibling picks it up and reads it or an unfortunate text occurs while they have it, we have to plan our webcam dates after parents and siblings go to sleep which means staying up into the wee hours of the morning and being exhausted afterwards, we have to be careful when we call each other and we can't call too frequently as to tip off phone records, and as silly as it sounds I don't like the fact that all my friends get cute messages from their boyfriends on fb and my SO can't even change his relationship status to taken let alone leave me mushy messages, and on top of it all we can't mail stuff to each other or have frequent visits. We see each other once a year for a weekend only. Honestly it sucks, but that's what we've chosen to live with so I guess I really can't complain.

And me being not sexually active I enjoy not having to constantly shoot down sexual advances, when I was in my CDR we fought to the point I was in tears every day because I wouldn't give him sex, with my SO being so far away I don't feel the constant pressure of having to deflect moments like that, our relationship is based solely on emotions and personality and sure once I do decided to have sex it will become part of my relationship but we can learn and grow from it together it's like anything else in a relationship, I'm not afraid to be myself around him and I have no reason to feel self conscious about my body just yet. It's a nice change of pace.

I've also noticed that I become a more jealous person LD, I'm not there to be able to stake my claim or really just be around him, I find that when he hangs out with girls I get super jealous because a) they get to spend time with my SO and I can't and b) they don't know he's in a relationship so they constantly make moves on him. That's something that I have to overcome, and so far I've been doing really well but it's still something that only arises in me LD.

And then there's the loneliness, seriously two years and I've only seen him 3 days max? I really takes its toll on me, I'm a hormone ridden teenager with little love coming from outside my relationship so not being able to hug my SO when I've had a hard day and need a good cry, it can be overwhelming, and seeing all the kids in my high school making out and literally, I'm not joking here, having sex around every corner, it just makes me miss my SO that much more, he's someone who really understands who I am to my core, he's the one person I can turn to when I need him, the communication is everything, CD I couldn't express myself this way because I'm shy and insecure but having the ability to sit on a thought and really think it through brought me to a whole new confidence in myself something I never would have gotten otherwise and he's not here to be my shoulder to lean on.

All of these things make my LRD that much harder than any CDR that I've ever been in.