I just got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach

[Daylan]

Honestly, you are my favorite person of all (no offense to any other people) but I do agree we are very much alike. You, in all actuality, answered so many questions without me having to ask them...it's like you're in my mind! I know that isn't the case though lol You've gone through it and I'm going through a similar case, so really you have been the most helpful (gold star for you haha). Anyway, you are right: it kinda is hard not to take it personally when she wants to hang out with friends than talk with me, but in all honesty I understand why because she knows them better than she's known me (and she still has loads to learn...and I still have a whole lot more to learn from her). If I had a problem, I would turn to my friends too because I trust them and they have been with me for year as opposed to months.

And I have been making it about me, I suppose. It makes me feel like a complete jackass because I've gone against what I believe in which is never make it about me, make it about her. I guess a relationship changes ones way of thinking because in all reality I have changed a little since we've been getting serious. It's hard to maintain a relationship while someone or both parties are surrounded by constant stress...talking about it always helped me. Giving space is a new concept to me because I don't understand it fully (I mean, I know it helps the person cool off, but that's about it and really I don't see how that solves anything unless they talk about it after they have cooled off, but by that time the subject has become irrelevant and idk...) Anyway, I've tried to learn what she wants and doesn't want, and I don't want to be pushy. But, on the flipside, if I don't feel the satisfaction of helping someone, then it's pretty much metaphorically a slap to the balls because I always want to see people be happy ASAP rather than sad for hours, even days.

And talking about skype, for awhile she had some time to get on skype and talk with me for about an hour, but that's pretty much stopped for right now. I want to have fun with her, but it seems like she's so bogged down with school that she doesn't have time (nor do we have anything in common that we can do online other than talk). But, she goes out with friends like I had mentioned in one of my earlier comments, so while it's a sting that she doesn't want to talk to me, I understand. Like last night she told me that she had a massive migraine and looking at a computer screen or phone screen made her feel bleh. A few hours later, she gets on skype with a few of her friends and watches a movie with them. I assumed that her migraine had gone away...I don't know why, but every time she does that, it stings. She has good reasoning behind it, I guess...she sometimes, when she goes to bed early, wakes up and can't go back to sleep she gets on skype and talks with her friends. I've told her many a time that if she ever woke up and wanted to talk that I'm always here for her, but she neve takes up the offer. Oh well...

Anyway, she knows good and damn well that I love her and that no matter what I'll always be here for her, always. I'm trying to be the best boyfriend I can possibly be, but I guess my standards as a boyfriend were too high to reach, so I'm not as perfect as I would have hoped at least I try.

[Haley53]

But see, m'dear, you're still taking it personally. You're still looking at it in terms of you. You're still looking at it as she chose to talk with her friends, so it must be something you're doing wrong or that you're not doing as well as you could be. You're doing enough by being there. You may not see the immediate affect of it, no, but without straying too far into what your home life is like, try and picture someone who has always been there for you (or for a substantial amount of time). It can be a family member or it can be a friend or it can even be a friend's parent, but once you have that someone in your head, then think about the times you may have talked a situation to death or a time you may have gotten angrier over something that normally wouldn't even have annoyed you because of what was going on at home or with your girlfriend, or even think about a time you snapped or said something you didn't mean because you were in a bad mood. Think about a time you haven't been 100% perfect, or even about a time a friend or relative hasn't been 100% perfect to you. Do you still care about them? Of course! Do they still care about you? Of course! Does it mean something to you that your friends, if you need to talk, do listen to you, even if you may not always be a 110% open to hearing their advice? Or even if you may snap or get defensive over a piece of advice? Does it mean something that they've been there, not only when things are grand and super and uber awesome and amazing, but sometimes when things are plain shitty? I imagine it does. And it's the same with her too.

Even if you may not feel you're having an active influence on her, sometimes passivity can translate into direct action. In other words, you may feel you're not doing enough because she may not be opening up to you about every smidgen of feeling, you may feel like you can't keep her 100% happy 200% of the time at this point in time, you may feel that way because you don't have even an illusion of action to compensate for the "lack" of it, but by simply being there and making it known that you're there for her and, further, respecting her needs and where she's at? It seems like a very passive gesture, but it actually speaks volumes. Simply being there, which doesn't require any action from you at all, is actually the action that she needs from you at this time and in this moment. It may change, yes, but for now, she's at where she's at, and the fact that despite your feelings about you, despite those, you're still doing what she needs from you? It will mean a lot to her, same way it means a lot to you when someone meets and respects your needs and feelings.

And trust me, if it's anyone who understands what it's like to not understand? It's me. :P I mean, my partner is hardly a model for coherence at this point in time. But the way I try and curb the insecurities that stem from that is by thinking in terms of the fact that though it may not make sense to me, it still doesn't change that that's where they're at. You may not understand why someone would need space, same as I don't get how you can still want a commitment without the commitment (lol), but the thing is we have to be respectful not only of our partners but of the space that they're in. We have to accept that we don't always have to understand something for it to be understood. We don't always have to make sense of something for it to make sense. And I think it's human nature, to want to grapple with something/someone until it/they does/do make sense, but there are some situations - emotional ones, like these two - that can't be solved/fixed with logic. The way I've started phrasing things is that I don't understand my partner's actions, but I understand him. :P

One point I do want to make is don't feel like you're making this about you, and don't feel like you're a jackass. This point is key. It is crucial to the heart of surviving this situation. It does need to be about you, too. Minerva actually reminded me in a PM earlier that I need to take some time to build some walls/security around me. What I took away from that, and how I described it to her, was that she was right. Can I be there for him? Yes, absolutely. But I cannot sacrifice myself for him. And you can't sacrifice yourself for your girlfriend, either. You need to keep a solid grasp on your life - your friendships, school, hobbies, etc. - and you need to take what time you need to to take care of yourself. For example, if you're feeling a bit stung by her decision to hop on Skype and watch a movie with friends when earlier she didn't Skype with you so she could go sleep off her migraine? That might be a moment I'd stop pining over her message window (not sure you do this, but it's something I would do, embarrassingly enough :P) and go do something to take your mind off things for a while. Go play a video game or maybe watch a movie or read a favourite book. Do something you enjoy to keep your mind off her, her, her, and why isn't she doing this, and this hurts because she decided not to do that, and so on. You need to take time to replenish your energy store and not waste it on worrying about her constantly. You need to do what you can do in the moment, and then surrender it. Like using Skype as an example, once more, if she doesn't want to talk to you but would rather be on Skype with friends, let her know you'll be around but that then you're going to go -whatever here-, and do so. Be around, sure, but also don't sit there letting that become the only thing you do, otherwise you're going to obsess and dwell and if you're like me, your mind will go, etc. And it can sometimes seem selfish to think about our needs in situations like this, but in the end? By loving yourself, you're loving her too. You can't take care of her until you've taken care of yourself. So don't feel down on yourself for ever communicating to her about your needs or for feeling the things that you do.

Also, if you have a cam and mic, which I'm assuming you do, since Skype seems to be something you two with one another at times, you could consider recording her a silly video and sending it to her? :P It'd be a sweet surprise, it's something fun/silly, and it's also not obligating her to do anything more than watch, say, a 5 minute video made for her to hopefully cheer her up. I know that my partner tends to feel less pressure if I say, "can I send you a video I made for you?" as opposed to "do you think we'll be able to talk on the phone soon?" because whereas both would cheer him up (and me, subsequently), the former doesn't require him to tack on one more thing to his to-do list.

[Daylan]

So, I just messed up big time after writing a bunch of stuff (all of it cleared out), so you think we can continue this some place other than a public forum because I have a strong feeling this is going to take a little bit of time to clear up :P We can do it in any sort of way, be it e-mail, skype, IM....unless you want to stay on here. Totally up to you