Coming To See Me for "Closure"

[screammaayday]

As most of you know, my ex (Kaylin) broke up with me at the end of September. I am still struggling with it, but I am okay. Not happy, but surviving.

She is still friends with my best friend on Facebook. Today, my best friend called me and told me that Kaylin messaged her. Kaylin and I have not talked for almost two months now. She told my friend that she would be coming to Ohio with her dad to see family and wanted to know if it would be good for me to see her. She said all her friends had suggested it for "closure." I am not quite sure how this would bring closure, as I feel like it would be living hell because she'd be right in front of me and I'd know I can't have her. At the same time, I want to see her, because it would be worth the hell if there was even a .0000001% chance of rekindling our earlier flame. My friend told her she thought it would be better for me and that I think about her all the time and that even though many girls have pursued me, I've ignored them because they're not her. All of this is true. My ex responded by saying she wanted me to be happy and that she herself is not happy at all.

The possibility of her coming is null & void now, as her dad is driving her instead of flying, and she will be 3 and a half hours away.

I'm just still in shock over everything, because it feels as thought I've just lost her all over again. Has anyone else had experiences with one last visit for closure? What are your opinions on the situation?

[Darth_Taco]

All I can tell you is that there is no such thing as closure. It's something people say to one another for comfort, but attempts at "closure" tend to bring about more pain than anything else. I remember doing something similar with my ex about 7 months after we broke up. No wait, it was 3... Anyway, the point is that it just hurt like hell and left me feeling worse than before. I don't really have much advice other than forget about her. Here's my experience, take it however you wish.

[Minerva]

Throughout this ordeal, she's been very selfish. She broke up with you. She gave you the "maybe someday but not right now" speech. She flirted with other people and then got angry when you tried to move on. Now she wants closure even though she was the one who initiated the break up. She wants what she wants when she wants it and your needs matter very little to her. She doesn't seem to think about the impact her need for closure would have on you, that the consequences could be very painful for you.

I think if the two of you ever want a future together (which I know she's said is possible), you need to have a clean break and she needs to let you go. Reopening the wound and steamrolling over your needs just prolongs your pain, and she should really have more respect for you than that. And she needs to learn that loving someone means considering their needs as well as your own. Selfish love is pointless. It's hurtful to a giving partner. It's childish. And until she learns that, I fear she will keep hurting you.

If I were you, I wouldn't let her back in my life until she grows up and learns how to love like an adult. As it is, she's not even being a very good friend to you.

*hugs*

[Haley53]

Minerva said everything I would have needed to.

I'll also add that I had a visit (with my ex) for "closure." And I too believed it was worth that one last shot, that one last chance, that one last time. And though no, I don't regret it, and I am grateful we had the visit and I was able to see London and enjoy spending it with him, I wouldn't say it brought me closure. If anything, it prolonged the pain and made it harder to do what I'd needed to do all along: let go. Personally, I think anything you go into with an expectation of that ".00001%" is going to do nothing but leave you shattered all over again; it will pour salt in the wound and you don't deserve that.

[screammaayday]

@Darth_Taco - Your experience seems to be just what mine would be should she show up here. I don't think it's going to bring me any closure, but rather just make me want to wait even more for her, which isn't really healthy for me, to be honest.

@Minerva - I think you're right about how she needs to grow up. My friend told me later that she checked Kaylin's twitter and she constantly posts about weed and even went as far as to say, "It's impossible to have a good day without smoking weed." I think she's become rather dependent on it to be happy and I don't think being around that is in my best interest. I'm truly torn, because I know that seeing her and not getting back together is not going to help me. It's only going to dig the knife deeper, so to speak. And that's the worst part of it, because I want to see her, but I want to see her and it be like it was back in July, when we had our last visit. But I know it won't be, and that's the hurtful part.

@Eclaire - You're right about it pouring salt into the wound. Just hearing that she had considered it backtracked any progress I'd made toward letting go. I've gotten used to her not being in my daily routine, but I do still miss it. Like I said above, I'd want to see her, but I'd want it to be like it was before. For the 7 years I've known her, we've never been able to be "just friends" because we've always had lingering romantic feelings for eachother. And it makes it even harder, with her saying she's not happy at all with the way things are. But she's done nothing to change it. And I think that until she's ready to finally own up to her mistakes and show me that she's really ready to commit to a relationship, that trying to convince her to come back is not worth it. That's why I've not contacted her.

[LuvSsw]

As someone who is fresh from a break up, I can understand that hanging on to even a .0000001% chance. You never wanted this in the first place and just the thought that it could possibly 'not be' the way that it currently is is a tempting morsel for the mind. I received a text from my ex a few days ago ( after he ripped my heart out and stomped on it) saying something about how he was 'concerned about our interaction'. Just to see the words 'concerned' and 'our'..gave me false hope and sent me reeling backwards even further than I already was. I agree with Darth_Taco.......there is no closure.....just more heartbreak.

[screammaayday]

@LuvSsw - I'd have to say that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I'd cling to any thread that she gave me in hopes that it would bring her back to me. It seems as though that's going to be what I'm dealing with for a long time. I do agree, though, that there is no closure. I think even talking to her would completely devastate me, but because I love her, I want to. It's kind of a battle between my head and my heart. PS: I wish you the best with the break up. I hope everything gets better.

[heylittlekrissy]

I don't believe in closure. But that's me personally.

But, I think if it's something you feel you must do, then you must. It may, somehow, help you in the end. But you have to understand, there is a very good chance another meeting with her will have the opposite effect and only make you feel worse. Be prepared for that, as a meeting with her could make things seriously worse for you, and could be harder on you than you could even imagine. If you're willing to accept that, then do what you feel you must do, and I really do wish you the best on that.
I hope if you make the choice to seek that closure, it truly does help you.

[Haley53]

Personally, I have always felt that closure is a peace you reach within yourself. It's not something that's given to you by another person. Although this can't be related to a relationship, I remember when I was younger, 14, and I had met someone who had proven to be something of a father figure for me. He had given me his number and said I could call him if/when I needed him. I did. When he ultimately had to go, the last words I heard from him were something to the effect of "I'll call you back. Talk to you later!" and he never did, and his number had actually been changed the next time I tried to call, in a week or two when I still hadn't heard back. I was devestated, because there was no closure, and there was no way I could contact him to get it. But as time wore on, and it was a long process, I slowly began to reach a point of no longer needing the closure I thought I would need in order to get over the situation completely. It got to a point where I went from crying daily to maybe once a week to maybe once a month to once every few to now, where I can look and yes, still be sad over what happened in the sense I can easily recall how painful of a situation it was, but it's not preventing me from moving on with my life at all. This wasn't because of something he did, but because of conclusions I came to within me. It's been the same with relationships, even friendships, that I've ended. My ex tried/wanted to leave things very open-ended. I took the initiative of trying to be friends for about a week, then decided to cut contact completely. I wrote him a letter and left it at that, and everything I used to think I'd need/want then (e.g. wanting him to miss me, to regret breaking up with me, etc.), I stopped needing and wanting. Closure, I think, it comes with time. It's a peace you reach within yourself. To me, closure starts being reached when the wound starts to heal, because the person who opened that wound to begin with isn't going to be the one to give it to you (excepting in some extreme circumstances). Personally, I think you need to continue on doing what you're doing, and if you have friends who are relaying things, tell them not to talk to you about it/that you don't want to hear it and they should respect that. You need to do what's in your best interests right now, not what you hope will come of something when it likely will not, but what you need to do to heal, and seeing her is not that.

[heylittlekrissy]

I should word my posts better sometimes;
I believe in closure itself, but I don't believe in finding a closure with the person you were involved with. <--- This is what I should have said that first time.

I agree with Eclaire, usually the only way I see people finding closure is within themselves, myself included.

[lucybelle]

Hmm.. How do I feel about closure... My very first heart break took me over a year to get over, more like 2 years. He broke up with me for the strangest reason "before we can't be friends anymore"... say whaaa? Anyways, I was devastated and angry. About a year and a half later I was sure I had moved on. I still never wanted to see this guy, but I could manage a "hello" in passing. He called me out of the blue one day and apologized for the way he broke up with me. Told me it was "really messed up" and he should have thought about it better. At that moment I didn't feel any better. But now I do. I think that was closure for me.

So yeah, I think closure does exist. But what helps more than anything is time.

[LuvSsw]

I should word my posts better sometimes;
I believe in closure itself, but I don't believe in finding a closure with the person you were involved with. <--- This is what I should have said that first time.

I agree with Eclaire, usually the only way I see people finding closure is within themselves, myself included.

I second this. This sums it up really well.

---------- Post added at 01:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:09 PM ----------

@LuvSsw - I'd have to say that's how I'm feeling at the moment. I'd cling to any thread that she gave me in hopes that it would bring her back to me. It seems as though that's going to be what I'm dealing with for a long time. I do agree, though, that there is no closure. I think even talking to her would completely devastate me, but because I love her, I want to. It's kind of a battle between my head and my heart. PS: I wish you the best with the break up. I hope everything gets better.

Thank you for your well wishes. May the both of us heal and experience happiness

[weetzie]

I avoid contact with somebody after a breakup if at all possible. If I see them again after the fact, the hurt just comes back, and I'm left where I was when we first broke up. I wouldn't do it personally.

Take care,

[Kerry]

I have been wanting closure with my ex-boyfriend for years. I accepted many years ago that this was never going to happen for many reasons. if I ever see him again (unlikely) I would tell him off, which is what he robbed me of doing. I know it won't change things but a part of me would feel better.

[Haley53]

I have been wanting closure with my ex-boyfriend for years. I accepted many years ago that this was never going to happen for many reasons. if I ever see him again (unlikely) I would tell him off, which is what he robbed me of doing. I know it won't change things but a part of me would feel better.

Hurr, well, here's my stance on this. Because you have some reason to tell him off, I'm going to assume he's the sort who will either get nothing out of it or actually derive a smug satisfaction from it. I feel, honestly, that telling someone off, in the end, only fuels them further/gives them more power than they had originally. It doesn't work out like it does in Hollywood though do I wish it did; can't say there aren't a few people I would like to tell off myself. :P

Have you ever considered doing a sort of symbolic ritual to help you?