He's been cheating for months in another LDR...

[Silvaria]

Yep, you read that right. I found out he's been cheating for months with another woman who lives about 1,000 miles from him. When I confronted him this morning on Skype, he lied and said he's been unhappy in our relationship and was going to dump me around New Year's, then broke up with me.

Here's the story:

We've been together on and off for almost 3 years, or whatever the timeline is in that ticker down there, lol...he's bipolar, and has a lot of mood swings, and the first 3 times, he dumped me over stupid stuff like thinking I was interested in my ex, or taking a joke the wrong way.

He always came back and asked for another chance, which I've always given him because I love the idiot.

The last two times were last year, June and August of '10...they were because he was in a manic mood, and had entered a hypersexual phase.

Hypersexuality is a very common manic symptom, but doesn't receive much discussion, except on bipolar forums. Basically, whatever it is in the brain that tells us cheating and promiscuity are wrong shuts down, and they begin craving sex constantly. Good marriages and relationships have been destroyed because they are unable to control their impulses. Sometimes, they just don't care but other times, when the manic phase fades, they look at what they've done and are like, "OMG, what was I thinking?" Then things are great until the next time, when they forget that regret and do it again.

So, last summer, he went into a manic phase and became very sexual. He started hanging out with women in the online game we played together, and flirting. I threw a fit, and demanded he stop. So the first time he dumped me, in June, was because he was interested in another female but apparently she turned out to have no interest in him, so he asked me back two weeks later. I agreed. Then he dumped me again in August about 5 weeks later, for pretty much the same reasons, and we were apart for 6.5 months.

This past February, he contacted me, apologized for everything, said he was on new meds, and asked me back. I agreed. And frankly, things have been awesome...about 2 months ago, though, I realized he was entering another hypersexual phase, and I swear my first thought was, "It's just a matter of time before he dumps me again." So I began to watch for the signs that he'd shown before: Ceasing all affection, becoming annoyed with me easily, disappearing for days at a time, and just generally being meaner to me.

I was pleasantly surprised when none of that happened..in fact, things have been awesome right up until Tuesday, when I created my first Facebook account and looked him up. That's when I saw two comments he'd posted on another woman's board, telling her that he loved her, too, and that she was his hot, freaky woman. When I looked at her page, she listed that she'd been In A Relationship with him since August 6, and that she was head over heels in love with a man who was wonderful to her, and without him, she would be incomplete.

Needless to say, my world rather fell apart. So this morning I asked to talk on Skype, and when I brought it up, he tried to say that he'd been unhappy in our relationship and wanted to break up with me for some time.

Can I get a serious "BULLSH!T" here??

He has been VERY mushy, VERY affectionate, VERY loving, and VERY happy-acting when we're chatting...in fact, just this past Sunday, he spent TEN HOURS talking to me, sending me supportive messages as I had an insanely long and rough workday. He was constantly emoting things like, "I love you so much, you can do this" and so forth. Everything has been wonderful lately, which is why this caught me so off-guard.

So what really happened here?

Well, I think the extra affection and mush has been his way of assuaging his guilt for being in an affair, but sadly, he quit taking his meds a while back because of money problems, so I don't think he's even able to control himself. I realize that sounds like an excuse, but in all honesty, bipolars really CAN'T seem to control those urges.

So when I busted him this morning, I truly believe being caught embarrassed and shamed him, so he tried to turn it around and say he'd been unhappy for a while, and was going to break up with me on New Year's. Nah...I know him, after all this time. If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't wait until New Year's.

Anyhow, where am I going with all this? Simply this: It's just a matter of time before his manic phase ends, and he comes back to me. In fact, as I told friends and family the news today, almost all of them immediately asked, "What are you going to do when he apologizes and wants you back?"

There's my pickle...I truly love the jerk, and I know that in a way, it's not his fault...I know that he loves me about as much as he's capable of loving anyone, and that I do make him happy. I know that these women really mean nothing to him, and that he'll always come back to me.

But don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve a man who doesn't do this?

But is it really his fault, due to the bipolar disorder?

I'm wrestling with so many questions tonight...I know many of you will say to simply dump him, but it's not that easy. I've invested almost 3 years in this man, as well as my entire heart and soul. I've never loved anyone the way I love him, and at my age, that's saying something. How does one simply walk away from someone with a mental disorder that causes them to do things they wouldn't normally do?

And the weird part? I'm not even jealous of her...it's obvious that the poor chick has really fallen for him, and she has no idea what heartache she's heading for. How do I -know- he's going to hurt her?

Let me put it this way: I asked him this morning if he wanted to be with her. His reply? "She's something different."

I know that's going to sound cold as hell, and it is, but that's not the way he normally is. It's all part of his disorder that makes him do irrational things.

Any and all comments are appreciated greatly. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Lissy]

First off, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Even though it seems like you've been through this before, or something similar, it must hurt like hell.

I don't know much about Bipolar Disorder at all, so I'm not going to go much into that part. I'll simply say what I think, and if I'm off-base on some aspect, I apologize and please know that no offense is intended.

If this were happening to me, personally, my trust would be broken. I realize that he is doing this out of compulsion, and he might not mean to act this way, but that knowledge alone wouldn't make it be any less upsetting and destructive. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but can you be absolutely certain that he does not have other women he is treating similarly to the way he treats you? That he is loyal to and goes back to over and over again after apologizing? I'm not in your relationship, and I don't know your SO or if that would be plausible (considering the amount of time he spends with you, etc.), but it would be a concern for me.

Also, you said that he has stopped taking his medication because he cannot afford it. But when someone is in a relationship, what that person does affects their partner. If someone plans to be in a committed relationship, they need to make the other person a priority, and that includes ensuring mental health, so the relationship can be healthy. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, I think it would be imperative that he be on medication, in therapy, whatever he needs to do to be considered being treated for his illness. Can he get some sort of government assistance to buy his medication? Surely there is a way to get what he needs. If he outright refused, or did not at least have an action plan to seek help and/or treatment when he could afford to do so, I would consider that maintaining a committed relationship is simply not worth the effort to him. I know he is sick, but you have needs, too, and both he and you deserve to know that your relationship can be all that you want it to be, and that more than likely will require help from medication, therapy, etc.

Not quite the same thing, but I am currently seeking help for my depression because it is causing a strain in my relationship. Do I want to potentially be on medication and in therapy? Not necessarily, but I will do so if it means being healthy to maintain a happy relationship with my girlfriend and taking care of her.

Hope this helped at least a little bit, and that you two can work things out. Know that we're thinking of you. Good luck!

[Sunnyside193]

I also dont know much about Bi-polar but I know my stepdad has it and here is an incident that happened a few years back which could have ended my parents relationship but didn't. Basically in a nut shell this is what happened. My stepdads work xmas he went to. He was only going to be staying for an hour because my mum was unwell. anyways he was convinced by co-workers to stay longer he had tonnes to drink. It didn't mix well with his medication. He came home very late, very drunk and very angry. Once my mum let him in (after he spent some time banging on the door and mum trying to calm him) he showered and seemed pretty insisted of going back out to do more drinking. He was also sure he was taking keys to get back in. Mum wouldnt let him they fought and he punched her in the face.

My point is not what happened but what happened after mum forgave him. He is now going to a physcitrist and is now on different medication. It was a one off incident but he is now doing things to stop it happening again. Im not sure if your SO goes to a physciatrist or not or what sort of medication he is on but basically if he was to come back to youafter his phase I think that you two would have to have a talk about what needs to be done. Its not fair on you to have him do things like that even though he is bi-polar. He could try talking to his doctor to see if there is other medication that could work better or (if he doesnt already) maybe see a physciatrist. In a nutshell if was to come back to you I think he needs to show he is willing to not let his bi-polar get the better of him and show he will try whatever it takes to help make the situation better. Hopefully this helped.

[MadMolly]

I just wanted to say that reading this, it could have been me a year ago dealing with my ex with a mental illness.

I don't have much advice but to say that yes, you love him, and you want to find all the excuses in the world to justify staying with him - but you WILL regret staying. I stayed for almost another whole year and honestly thought I was completely over it and BAM. Took 10 months to hit and then I felt sick that I could do this to myself just because I thought the best parts of him were worth those awful, awful parts.

If you want to talk, you can message me. Be strong, okay?

[jiynx]

I haven't read the other replies, so sorry if any of what I'm about to say has been said already.

Didn't you say that it causes him to have sexual episodes? If this is true, then why would he pursue in another LDR? They aren't exactly sexually satisfying. I'm pretty sure he's pulling your chain with some of this hypersexual stuff. If the man truly can not control himself, this is just going to cause you more pain. He needs to be responsible enough to realize that he has to take his meds ALL THE TIME. Not just when he's feeling like it. That's the part that bugs me - the fact that he decided to no longer take his medication. If he really cared about how he acts towards women, and wanted to be faithful to only one, I'm pretty sure he would take them. I know this is hard to hear especially because all that you've invested in him, but I think it's better for the both of you if you break up with him. He needs to decide what sort of relationship he wants, and you need some time to just be you and realize how you want to be treated and how you want your SO to treat himself.

[Silvaria]

Awesome replies so far, and they've really made me think.

Lissy and Sunnyside, you have excellent points about his deciding to discontinue his meds without taking into consideration the effect on our relationship. I hadn't really thought of it, I'd just considered it his personal decision. I actually mentioned it once and he didn't seem inclined to discuss the issue so I let it go. But you're right...if there would be any chance for us in the future, I think he would have to go back on his medication and stay there. Period.

jiynx, when he's in one of these moods, he can become easily aroused by things other than direct physical contact, and in fact, have much stronger orgasms. I can't really say more than that, lol...

However, like Lissy and Sunnyside, you're right in that it seems like if he really wanted to stay faithful, he'd do what it takes, including finding a way to obtain medication. I may be making an excuse, but all I can say is that one particularly bad symptom of manic moods is the inability to make good choices in life, hence why so many go into massive debt or contract STDs or quit their jobs during manic episodes.

When he's not in a manic mode, he's literally an incredibly awesome person who is very kind and very lovable.

Sigh...damnit, lol...he'd be just about perfect if it weren't for this disorder.

Anyhow, thanks very much for your replies.

[Silvaria]

Sigh...sorry for posting twice in a row, just had a feeling of sadness sweep over me.

I've been not only dumped by him before, but also two other guys, and right after the breakups, I could immediately recognize all the signs that had led up to it.

There were really -no- signs that this was coming. Two days ago I was in what I truly believed was a happy relationship with a man who was spending three days out of four with me online (when the hell did he even have time for her...?). That's how good things have been for a while now.

Now, I'm single and just in time for the holidays, lol...what a bummer.

Damn...I want him back, but medicated and without the cheating.

[Rugger]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry that this is happening you you.

I agree with Sunnyside and Lissy, If he wanted the relationship to work, He'd WANT to be on meds so he can not cheat on you and hurt you. He'd do everything in his power to avoid hurting you.

My cousin is bi-polar and I've seen firsthand what kind of emotional devastation it can cause to the people around her. I know you love him, but there is a point in time that you have to put yourself first. This isn't the first time this has happened. It's going to keep happening. You need to look out for yourself.

[Jkrose76]

Ohh I am so sorry to hear what you are going through!! I know you love him and I give you Kudo's for sticking by him for as long as you have, but I have to agree with Jynx and Rugger. What kind of a relationship are you putting yourself in because you love him? And IF he loves you..then why wouldn't he stay on Meds?
I know it isn't entirely his fault because of his mental illness but he also has to be somewhat responsible for his actions.
And lets just say, by some chance you and him do end up someday being phsyically closer, will you be able to trust him?
I know this is hard for you but I agree with some of the other posts. You have to think about yourself sweetie!

Jennifer

[annb8888]

I'm not an expert on bipolar personalities but when you say bipolar, does it always connote to sexual ways? I mean, if his being bipolar is relating to sex, cheating and women, I guess you're better off with another man. It's not his fault but I see it like, if he's bipolar in only mood swings and in other aspects other than having sex, I guess it's okay but being promiscuous when he's not on meds? I don't think you deserve to even be in that situation. Sex is a very intimate form and expression of love and if he just comes and goes like that with or without the meds, you're just going to hurt yourself more. I'm not going to say "oh, there are plenty of men out there" because I know you love him but think, your heartbreak right now may be intense but it's only for a short while, no heartbreak will last forever. yes, it may take years to recover but you will ALWAYS recover... that's a one-time experience only versus staying in a relationship that's hurting you on and off, and stressing you forever? Think it over, okay?

[Sharon Q]

I deal with depression and I get over emotional when I'm not on medication so in order for my relationship to remain healthy I have to stay on medication to stay in control and not overreact.

I know this and I know that if I stopped taking my medication it could negitivly impact our relationship.

If he knows he needs medication in order to remain stable than he should keep taking it.

As for this other girl I think she has the right to know that he was with both of you at the same time.

I've been off and on with my boyfriend for three years as well because we both deal with depression and as I said I tend to get over emotional and overreact because I don't think clearly when I'm not on something to help, ( ie counseling or medication and for the most part both )

Perhaps he should look into counseling as well?

[lucybelle]

What I worry about is not only your mental health, but your physical health. If you two do end up together and he starts sleeping around, he could contract an STD and pass it right on to you. That's just not fair. I know you said you invested a lot of time into him, but to me that doesn't mean you should stay. That's like saying "I paid $10 for this sandwich so I'm going to eat all of it even though I'm so full I could burst" The time is gone, you can't get it back. But you can decide what to do with your future.

[heylittlekrissy]

What I worry about is not only your mental health, but your physical health. If you two do end up together and he starts sleeping around, he could contract an STD and pass it right on to you. That's just not fair. I know you said you invested a lot of time into him, but to me that doesn't mean you should stay. That's like saying "I paid $10 for this sandwich so I'm going to eat all of it even though I'm so full I could burst" The time is gone, you can't get it back. But you can decide what to do with your future.

This happened to my parents. My father contracted an STD from a woman he was with when he went through one of his phases, and now him and my mother will both have that for the rest of their lives (my mother hadn't known my dad was sleeping around up until about 7 months after he'd started)

[LuvSsw]

Oh I HATE that this has happened to you. You know what I'm feeling right now because of my own situation and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. You don't deserve this.
I'm in nursing school right now and I completed my Psych rotation this past summer. Everything you said about Bipolar disorder is very true. One can become hypersexual when in that manic phase. When I was in my psych rotation I had to interview a patient at a psych hospital that was there because he was in the manic phase and had done some pretty rash things and had even become a danger to himself and his family. When I met him..I was totally taken off guard. I was expecting the classic textbook description of a wild eyed, pacing, muttering to themselves, thinking they are superman..person. This guy was VERY charming, intelligent and was a lawyer. He very calmly told me how he really shouldn't be there...and that there were people in his family who had him falsely put there...he quoted laws to me..He seemed normal and not at all manic. I brought this up to my clinical instructor and she explained to me that one of the things that can be a characteristic of this disorder is the ability to be very manipulative,fool people easily and that some are even able fool their therapists into thinking that they are ok when in fact they are not. I'm thinking that your SO is a very intelligent person and you may have gotten used to his 'style' so to speak and how he does things but he was able to manipulate you by changing that up..throwing you off. Is he able to get therapy? Someone I know with bipolar told me that 'talk therapy' or cognitive behavioral therapy helped them stay on even keel. Is he able to get govt assistance perhaps for meds? Being in a relationship on any level with a person with this disorder is challenging. It is not impossible..but only you know if you are up for that challenge.Are you willing to keep dealing with the things that he just can't control? And all the risky behavior can put your health in danger if it is not brought under control. Love can make us accept so many things that perhaps we would not otherwise accept. It can have us make compromises that we never thought we would and I would think that this is fine..just so long as it doesn't result in us being hurt..when the other person takes it for granted. That's how I feel right now in my own situatuation..taken for granted. It's not easy to let someone into your heart...invest so much into them..your time and dedication. I know it's hard. And you are 3 years into it...omg..i was only 6 months into mine and i feel like my world has been crushed. I don't know if anything I've said helps..since I'm still trying to take YOUR advice about my situation..and I can't claim 100% success with that yet, but I want you to know that I am here for you. Anytime you need. At the very least..we can lean on each other..even if we don't have all the answers yet. Much love to you Silvaria~

[floridaellen]

I am not bipolar but I do have a debilitating anxiety disorder and depression caused by it. I despise taking my medication and going to therapy. I do though in order to keep my relationship healthy. We have had many issues relating to my mental illness but because I take my medication and try, my SO stays.
I would not be in a relationship with someone with a mental illness who did not take their medication, just as I would not be in a relationship with someone if I didn't take my medication. It causes too much pain and suffering.