Financial Differences

[Engel]

Dude, Do you realize that she is underage and that going to japan on her own isn't really the easiest and providing for you is absolutely ridiculous? She lives with her parents and her parents probably pay for all those things of course she is going to have more then someone going to college paying their own way. You expect a 16 year old to support you and yell at her cause she can't? Grow up. What are you doing with her if you have such resentment towards her?

That. My mother provides for me, so I do have more material things than my SO. is he ressented or mad at me for that? no. thats just not how things work. you cant be mad at her for everything she gets or buys. and I bet she had mist of her shoes and clothes before she met you. or not? anyway, if you are so mad at her, this isnt healthy for either part. you decided to be with a younger girl. now or you stick around and wait for her to grow up and mature, or try to find a relationship you wont be ressented at your partner every moment.


I would not be with a guy that yells at me all the time for things out of my control.


and you cant expect her (her parents in this case) to provide for you. i already find this awful when it is a girl expecting the guy that she isnt even married to, to provide for her. but a guy expecting an underaged girl to provide for him? please.

[floridaellen]

I think you are being too harsh on her.
First of all, she's 16. If I wanted to go to Japan and meet someone at that age, my parents would not have allowed it. They love me; they want me to be happy. But it's a huge risk in this day and age and they would think I was too young to do it. Since she is living under their roof, she must follow their rules.
My parents pay all of my expenses. They've bought me new computers, 2 different cars, a phone, concert tickets, my college education, ect. During high school I held three different jobs but still my concept of money is a little bit skewed. I try, but it is difficult.
My SO on the other hand has nothing. He works but can barely pay his rent that he has to pay to his mom. His mom can barely afford to pay the electric bill and heat. Everything he has, I bought for him. His concept of money is a lot better than mine.
My SO sometimes says I'm spoiled; I sometimes say he spends too much on things like cigarettes when he can barely afford rent.
This is not our own fault. It's our upbringing.
You cannot insult her because of her upbringing. Doing that shows a lack of respect for her.
I do not mean to sound harsh or rude. But you need to reevaluate your feelings towards her and whether you really wish to be in this relationship.

[Haley53]

I also want to add to what everyone else has said and say that it's not entirely fair to resent her based on envy over her situation. I had a friend who ended up causing me to leave the friendship because she was continually jealous and resentful over my situation, without considering more than the area in which I lived and the fact I was able to fund university. My personal situation didn't matter, and neither did I. It was all about the fact I didn't have to work my arse off to attend university and I had a nice house and she had "shit." If I said I had to go because we were going out, she would go on and on about how she didn't have the money to go out. If I bought something with money I worked for, as in, when I funded a trip to Europe with my money that I, I repeat, worked for, she got pissed at me for that too. It ended up getting to the point I got fed up and cut her off. And had she taken the time to look at my situation on a personal level? And from a personal perspective? She would have seen that her view of me/my situation was completely skewed. And though I'm not saying your girlfriend is not well off (anyone who receives an iPhone 4, a Coach bag, and 400.00 for her birthday must be doing at least decently), I'm also saying that your view of her and her lifestyle may be skewed due to your own bitterness at your own situation. In my opinion, you'll end up damaging the relationship if you continue to get angry at her because you're green in the face at the money she has. :/

[Jgui]

I know she's 16, but considering that when i was 16 i went over to america, from italy, on my own, it can't be totally used as an excuse.
I understand why you are angry. I really appreciate that my SO saves up money to come see me, that he cuts expences just to save up towards a plane ticket. I'm lucky enough to have my dad pay for my trips and expences, but regardless, i have made an effort for this past year and a half to reduce my expences so that i could save up some money on my own. she's 16, tons of kids her age can have a job, and tons do.
i get your anger, but i doubt things will change. she just may be too immature to realise this, and you are clearly not forced to live how you are just to visit her. maybe you need a find a healthier relationship with someone a bit less immature, maybe your age.

I agree with Joyce. When I was 16 I was working and not asking my parents for money. At this time of age it is not rare to see kids holding a summer or part-time job. Tons of kids are working and I feel they should because it's job experience they can put on their resume so it's easier to land a job aft graduating from college. And I agree with OP that because her parents spoils her and buys her anything she wants is causing her not to fully understand the concept of hard earn money. But that is honestly the problem with a lot of teenagers these days, their families give them anything they want and need so they feel as if they don't need to work hard for anything.

But at the same time you can't expect a 16-year-old to provide for you financially. That is just crazy thinking..

Good luck

---------- Post added at 10:51 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 AM ----------

Well yeah. Part of me thinks that my SO hates taking risks, high-maintenance, and stubborn. But then, a lot of kids in an affluent and ridiculously spoiled area like Silicon Valley are. That caused me to be angry (and hate where I was raised in).

I don't think where a person is raised has a connection with hates taking rise, high-maintenance, and stubborn. It's a person's personality traits. She can be raised in a small in Ohio and still hates the things you've mentioned above.

I'm raised in San Francisco and am high-maintenae, stubborn, and sometimes hates to take high risk. But I will understand for a fact that if I want a relationship to work out with my SO I will try my best to compromise.

I think what is really lacking in your relationship is compromise.

[Dziubka]

I see where bananabrain is coming from.
My boy and I are rougly the same age, but we're in a similar situation anyway. I've been working for my money ever since I was 15 years old, when my mum stopped giving me pocket money.
I've been living on my own since I was 19 years old and I've been financially independent (from my mum that is) since then.
My boyfriend on the other hand is an only child and he still lives with his parents.

In terms of 'my money' I have a lot more than him obviously, because he has none, but he can still afford more than me, because his parents obviously make more money than me. They live in a rather nice apartment in a really good neighbourhood while I live in a students' residence, so I can afford to see my boyfriend more often. He has also recently told me that he never heard "we can't afford that" during his whole life. Whenever he wanted something really bad, his parents made it possible for him. My family situation is very different from that. "I can't afford that" is probably every other thing my mum says.
I would still never even consider him (or his parents!) giving me money or supporting me. I'm my boyfriend's girlfriend, not his parents' -uuh- whatever. I'm very very glad my boyfriend's mum pays for him to visit me as often as he does. I visit more often and in total have probably spent a good deal more on travelling than me, but it's still a lot of money. I could totally understand it, if she didn't want to pay for my boyfriend's LDR expenses.

I've never been resentful or jealous about any of that*, though. I'm very very glad I'm financially independent of my parents, have my own place and can spend my money on whatever I want. But there might also be a difference, because my boyfriend realizes he's very lucky and doesn't take any of the luxuries he has for granted. He makes an effort to see me and he shows how grateful he's for me visiting him. If he didn't appreciate what I did for our relationship, I wouldn't be with him.
If she can't see or doesn't care how much you're doing for her, then there's probably no point in continuing the relationship. It's not so much about financial differences, than rather about seeing how much effort the other person is putting in the relationship and appreciating that.
At 16 and living with her parents, there's not much she can do to help you and I'd sort of understand it if her parents didn't let her visit (although she should talk to them about it) and it's not fair of you to be resentful about her material situation. It's not like she has any influence on that. She should appreciate what you're doing and from what you've written, it seems like she doesn't.

[Kerry]

I think you've already made your decision about her. she doesn't sound like the right girl for you. if you care about her let her go and look her up in 2 years time.

[bananabrain]

Well, that's a lot of responses (which I deeply appreciate).

I guess it's too early to pass decision at this point. I showed my SO this thread, and hopefully she will reveal what we should do.

[greensweatergirl]

I'm not sure if you know this already, but I wanted to mention that the Japan Tourism Agency is currently considering offering 10 000 free, round trip flights to Japan starting in April 2012 in order to revitalize tourism. If your girlfriend is able to come to Japan, you should keep updated on what the Agency decides to do with this - it could potentially save you the cost of an airplane ticket!

[Darth_Taco]

I feel like I should say something, but I'm not sure what yet. Fuck it, I'll just wing it.

First, I'm rather annoyed by the hiragana excuse for not visiting. I have lived in the United States without a word of English with a mother and brother who also knew no English and I've survived. I just had to find the nice bilingual people who told me what the hell the menu said. By the way, meatloaf still baffles me.

Now to the actual issue. Dude, think about this really well. Forget what type of relationship you two have for a minute and think about things this way. You're mad at a 16-year-old girl for being born into this. If you don't feel stupid, then I can't help you. I'll assume you do, so I'll keep going.

You really need to re-evaluate this relationship. I don't think either of you can handle this kind of relationship. She's 16 and shouldn't be with someone who's lived on his own regardless of age. You do too much yelling rather than educating. You could inform her of how difficult things are for you financially right now, instead you lose your shit. If you've informed in the past and she didn't get it, then why the hell are you still with her?

Look, I can sympathize being in a different situation financially than your significant other, so I know what you feel. My boyfriend can afford few luxuries, I can't afford to eat. I can't begin tell you the amount of food he's had to buy for me so my brother and I don't starve to death. It's not his fault, shit just happens. The economy hasn't affected us as badly as us. I'm not gonna get mad at him, instead I'm gonna be happy he doesn't know half the crap I've gone through. Getting pissed at him for that would be like if I got mad at him for having a father when I didn't. It's not his fault his didn't walk out on him while mine...I don't think he was sober enough to realize he walked out. He probably still thinks it's 1999. Not the point! The point is that you need to grow up and either end this relationship now or try to salvage it, because this whole thing is ridiculous.

[Globetrotter]

Hm when I read this the first thing I thought how do her parents stand to all this? Do you know them? Do they like you? On the other hand I also think with 16 she might really be to young to understand this. There are 16 year old girls who are very mature but I am not sure that your girlfriend is so mature yet. Another problem is that she does not have a good understanding of money as everything is paid by her parents.

Maybe to solve this issue. She could tell her parents instead of a bag new shoes or an IPhone whe wants a trip to Japan as a birthday present. Talk to her about this she should understand it. Your love should be more important than material things.

I actually made a deal with my boyfriend that regardless who is making the trip everybody will pay half of the trip. So even if he would come to visit me I would pay half of his flight. I think this prevents this kinds of feelings that only one is paying.

[floridaellen]

Any updates on the situation?

My SO flies to me but I pay. He basically pays for it by having to take off from work. It's the least I can do. Our flights are not expensive though.

[bananabrain]

I'm not sure if you know this already, but I wanted to mention that the Japan Tourism Agency is currently considering offering 10 000 free, round trip flights to Japan starting in April 2012 in order to revitalize tourism. If your girlfriend is able to come to Japan, you should keep updated on what the Agency decides to do with this - it could potentially save you the cost of an airplane ticket!

Really? Gee, thank you so much for the information! I live in Japan and I never heard this.
I guess this is because we lost a lot of foreigners after the earthquake... :/

[bananabrain]

Any updates on the situation?

My SO is in New York, seemingly having the time of her life. We haven't talked for a few days now. I feel like I'm single already. If she can live happily without me, then really, she should just fuck off already. I hope that's not the case. I really can't wait for this week to be over so she has enough time again to have a long discussion with me.

Otherwise, I talked to my SO's mother about this situation. She agreed that both my SO and I need to put some effort into fixing our relationship.
- My SO needs to be more aware that some people are uncomfortable with her flaunting about her wealth/lifestyle. She needs to stop telling me to "suck it up". And yeah, she needs to be more educated about money, my lifestyle, and how I feel about this. She isn't "out of the hothouse" yet.
- I need to control my anger. After all, ALL relationships have a certain degree of differences. She introduced me to "The Road Less Traveled" written by M. Scott Peck, and the 4 noble truths from Buddhism.
- We both need to be aware that this is a team effort. Relationship is work. My SO and I need to stop blaming and insulting each other.
- She will be more mature as time goes by.

[Zapookie]

If she can live happily without me, then really, she should just fuck off already.

Really? Dude, if you're going to want to make this work you will need to try and make an effort to change your attitude towards her.. starting now. If you don't like the way she's living, why haven't you "fucked off" already? I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's just absurd to me how you can speak about someone you love like that.

[beckychan]

Well I didn't read the rest of the thread and what anyone else wrote..

But she's complaining about not going to Japan because she doesn't know anything from one of the Alphabets?? That's ridiculous.. I stayed there one summer with out knowing ANY Japanese and I survived just fine!