So Confused!

[AEAS]

Okay, yesterday my SO and I were having a completely normal conversation when he randomly says "Don't you talk to your friends over the weekends?" I replied that I don't usually, the only person I really enjoy talking to outside of school is him. He then asked me if I had talked to my friend D, and what we talked about. I said I had talked to her on Sunday, and that what we talked about was personal, and I didn't think I should tell him. Y'know honor your friends secrets, girl stuff. My SO then gets in a really weird mood. He wont type emoticons anymore, and they involve alot of "....". I asked what was wrong, (He tends to do this alot) and he said nothing. I figured since he woulden't tell me anything, I'd just wait. So I said "Okay, I love you. If there's something wrong you can tell me! I'll be here if you want to talk, okay honey?" And he logged off.

I sent him messages on Facebook, pretty much restating what I said before he left. A few hours passed without response, so I asked him to tell me in the morning if something was wrong, and that I love him. I woke up this morning, and checked to see if he replied. He had. With: "Uhuh... if you say so....".

Grr! He does this a lot. He'll just ask some sort of trick question, and no matter what I answer he'll shut me out and leave. He wont even explain! Just assumes I did something wrong without any evidence, or letting me explain. He used to get onto my facebook and read my PM's with people.. which i've told him again and again not to, and he hasn't for a few months, but I think that's what happened this time. (Sorry for the weird post) Anyway, so here's my question: Any ideas of what I could do to get him to tell me things like this? Or even to prevent it? Any advice is helpful :P Thankyou!

[Sunbeam]

I don't think you can prevent it. Trust is tricky, and if he's reading your Facebook PMs, that sounds like a trust issue.
As far as getting him to tell you, I would just not push it, but remind him that if there's a problem you can only fix it if you know about it, and let him choose to talk.
I hope everything works out for you *hugs*

[snow_girl]

Firstly I would change your fb password, he has no right to go on there and snoop. Maybe he took what you said about talking about personal things as you talk about him. Have you tried to talk to him about why he does this when he isn't in a mood? If he is the kind of person that takes things too seriously then there might not be anything you can do but tiptoe around things that might upset him. It sounds like it is something he needs to work on.

[AEAS]

Sunbeam- Thank you!
Snow_girl- Yeah, I changed it. He has a tendency to overreact and misunderstand things, and yes he is that kind of person. He's gotten a lot better recently. This was a weekly thing for about 3 months, but it hasn't happened in about half a year.

[Haley53]

...

That out of the way (lol), first of all, change your password. You're not going to get anywhere by letting him read your PMs. Doing it in an attempt to get him to trust you? *buzzer* I'm sorry, but one shouldn't need their partner's passwords, let alone be using it, to be able to trust their partner. I have none of my partner's information and it's not something I require from him either; it's the same for him, too when it comes to my PMs and passwords. And like many people, we can sometimes be vague. "I'm going to go hang out with someone today." "Nah, I'm okay, simply had to talk with a friend today." etc. Most of the time, unless something seems wrong, neither of us presses, because why should we? We have a relationship in which we're free to be open about most anything, but sometimes conversations are personal. For example, I won't press him about if he talked to anyone about our argument, and even if he has pressed me in the past, details have never really been involved. I vent. It's how I deal. And when it comes to anyone, I tend to be incredibly sarcastic and either act as such with my closest friend or I write it down privately and then delete or shred it. Those aren't details he needs to hear, same as I don't need to hear what he told his best friend or what he didn't or what he sat there simmering thinking instead. I don't need to hear every conversation he has with a friend and neither does he. I think in any relationship, there needs to be the level of openness, not a pressure for openness.

I agree with snow_girl. Have you ever tried talking with him, when he's calmed down, about why he reacts the way he does? Or does he tend to clam up on you then too?

[Haley53]

Oops, posted before I saw what you said! If you've talked to him about it and it's something he's worked on and made progress in, then honestly, I would consider ignoring it when this happens. As soon as he starts slipping back into the patterns of behaviour that he used to exhibit on a weekly basis, then tell him you sense his mood has changed and ask him if he wants to talk. If he doesn't or if he gives you a "...meh..." type of response, then tell him something along the lines of "okay, well I'll give you your space. I'll be here when you want to talk, though. You know I can be reached by x, y, and z" and then drop it. Don't talk to him again until he's willing to talk.

It's similar to if you get into an argument with someone who's a predominant sulker. :P Though my last relationship was unhealthy, going to use it as an example for this one. With my ex, he wouldn't listen. I remember once he lied to me about something huge and I ended up, naturally, being very hurt by it. The more I grilled him the more he fumbled over his words and he was spitting out lie after lie that kept getting unwravelled by the next lie he told. Whether this was because he was nervous or not, I did not appreciate the lying. I told him I didn't want to talk to him unless he told me the truth. He sat there claiming what he'd just lied to me about was the truth. I pretty much rolled my eyes and stalked off and refused to talk to him. Though I have learned to temper these temper tantrums, if one happens, the best thing I need is to be left alone. If I get to the point of stalking off, that means I need to be allowed me-time to breathe and calm down and usually I'll approach when I'm ready to talk/be civil. Perhaps while he's working on learning better coping strategies, you need to extend to him the same courtesy. Instead of pushing, ask him if he wants to talk, if he's still pitching a fit, then leave the computer/give him space. It will work out for you too in the sense that you don't have to sit there putting up with one-sided communication, and it will quickly teach him that acting like that is not a way to get you to grovel and beg and plead.

[Jgui]

Why is he snooping around your Facebook account? This seems like a trust issue he has and a little bit of insecurity. Have you tried talking to him on the phone or in person about this? It's really hard to determine what he's feelings are over text or PM because you can't hear his tone.

[Riyko]

I would talk to him about what upset him so much, but to me him doing that would bring up red flags just because if he gets like that because you won't tell him what you talked about with your friends, what else will you say or do that'll upset him and it could wind up turning into a control thing.

[AEAS]

Thanks everyone xD currently i'm just trying to give him his space. He'll get over it sooner or later, he always does. I'll talk to him about it when he's actually talking. All the advice is really helpful!


Edit: Everything's fixed now! Thanks for all the help!

[Engel]

The only reason I ever gave my SO passwrods was when I wanted him to do something on facebook and i couldnt access it or something. i would change it later, i have nothing to hide (or i wouldnt give the password in the first place), but i just dont feel its something he should have. or he trusts me or he doesnt. and he does, so it is all good.


tell him he should trust you because you have nothing to hide.

[Bethypoo]

He needs to get over it. You are allowed to have private conversations with your friends. Like you said... its girl stuff. He will get over it. you didnt do anything wrong.