Breaking old habits?

[Sharon Q]

Well first off my SO and I have been down this road a lot.
I have a habit of being needy without realizing it.

-I talk about myself and vent to him all the time, even when he isnt in a good mood
- When he wants to get off the phone I find myself begging him to stay on, or trying to find something else to talk about.
- I say " I love you " way to much to the point for us its just become an everyday saying or word for us.

We have had tons of talks about this, and had this problem like four or five times.
Last night he gave me an ultimatum get better with it or he is gone,
He said he wont leave me if he knows I'm trying.

The thing is ( and I'm not defending my needy/clingyness. ) I have a lot of errors in my thinking,
Most the time I feel useless, unwanted/needed, stupid, I feel like I cause my SO more hurt than good, like I always make him angry and like he'd be better off without me.

I deal with depression and yes I'm on medication they help keep me emotionally stable.

I know these thoughts are errors but I'm not sure how to change them.

Robert suggested I go to the library and find some good relationship self help books so I'm going to do that soon.

Please note he isnt attacking me on the matter, we've just had the same issue over and over and he's tired of it.

What I'm asking here is how can I break the habits? I have a hard time catching myself when I do something I'm used to doing that I need to change. How can I catch myself on it.?

[Haley53]

Would you be willing to let him point it out to you? If you start venting/going on about yourself, would it be possible for him to point it out and ask to talk about something more positive?

When it comes to getting off the phone, that's something you're going to have to simply do. When it comes time to say goodbye, as much as you might hate it, say your "I love you"s and "goodbye"s and have self-control with it. I'm fairly certain that's something you can recognise, as you're given a cue with his ending the conversation.

And as for the "I love you," I don't see how saying "I love you" can become everyday. My partner and I say it frequently and have never had any issues with it losing its meaning after nearly a year. Do you feel it's become everyday or does your partner? And would this also be something he's willing to point out?

Sometimes it can help having someone else gently poke you, say, "you're doing it again," and then you move on from it, and you start becoming more aware because you have someone holding you accountable.

[Sharon Q]

And as for the "I love you," I don't see how saying "I love you" can become everyday. My partner and I say it frequently and have never had any issues with it losing its meaning after nearly a year. Do you feel it's become everyday or does your partner? And would this also be something he's willing to point out?

I say it to him like 3-4 times a day, at first it was him who felt I was saying it too much but now that I think about it more and more, it really does feel as if it has lost meaning. Like it doent have that spark when we say it so to speak its just a saying everyday.

[kiara_silver]

I don't see how the I love you's should be a issue. I love hearing it and telling him. We been together 2 and a half years and have always said it frequently and its never lost its meaning. He and i each tell each other about 3-5 times a day.

For the ending conversations, for me we have a time dif so i know he needs sleep. So its his needs first. Usually im actually the one asking him is he sleepy, he should go. So when your SO has to go, remind yourself why, or he has things to do, try reminding yourself what he needs to do. Its hard maybe, but just have to have self control and end the conversation.

Venting is hard. I tend to do it a lot to my SO, whenever im stressed or something happened, ill vent it all out. I apologize for doing it, but he doesn't mind. But there is to much I think, if it's daily, it can be tiresome for anyone. I think you should be able to vent though, on both sides, i think your SO is the one person you should be able to lean on. But if its to much for him I agree with Eclaire, Maybe having him remind you?
When I have something frustrating me, or a issue but i don't want to bother my SO... or if it's about him but i don't want to complain. I'll write it all out, type it on document. Then ill just save it and leave it for a few days or delete it right then and there. Then i can go back and look and see if its really worth sharing or is it something i can get over on my own.

[Jkrose76]

I don't know how anyone else feels but too me those don't seem like huge issues but I guess if they bug him then it is something you have to address. I know me personally I love hearing I love you's. I don't think I could ever get tired of my SO saying I love you, but I can see where it kinda looses its meaning and I know guys are programed differently than Girls when It comes to affection. Me personally, I am a needy person as well (so I have been told by exBF's) so I can understand how you feel. But I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with someone who couldn't handle me being "me". I love attention (lol) and affection from my SO.
As far as having a hard time ending phone conversations I am the same way. I hate saying goodbye but I understand when we have to end a conversation.
I have dated guys who don't like to listen to me vent and I wasn't happy. Isn't venting when you are upset or have a bad day part of being in a relationship?? I guess as long as you aren't yelling and screaming all the time theres nothing wrong with venting to your SO. I want to be able to tell my SO everything and share everything with him and likewise I want him to do the same with me.
I know it isn't easy to change your ways...I think its who you are hun and hopefully he's understanding with you.

Jennifer

[rubydissolution]

I don't understand why he has a problem with you venting. Your SO is supposed to be you best friend, that's kinda what best friends do for each other. Something is bothering you, you're having a bad day and you need to get it out so you talk to someone. It makes you feel better, and i think its unfair that he wants you to change that particular aspect of the relationship.

The "I love you's" I can understand, bc my SO had this conversation with me not too long ago. He said i was saying it too often and also that i was complimenting him too much. I didn't get it, how can you do these things too much? Out of respect, I complied to his demands and toned it down. When i managed to do so, he finally started to say I love you to me for no reason and complimenting me more. We found a good equilibrium.

As for the phone thing, if he has to go bc he has to get up early then you should understand. I tend to drag the conversation out but normally its only for about 5/10 minutes. I never beg him to stay though. Its not particularly nice to beg him and make him feel guilty for wanting to get sleep for whatever he has planned for the following day. How would you feel if he did that to you knowing you had to get up at say 5am? The day then drags and ur miserable because you are so tired. If you let him go then he can be well rested for your conversation the following day. If not you get a grumpy boy...and that's never fun lol.

[Alemap]

I think the most self-sufficient and independent person might have to fight a little neediness in themself, now and then, in an LDR. It's a powder-keg situation for fostering insecurity, after all.
I reccommend dialing the demands on him back a bit, but letting him know when you're having trouble with it, so he can be present with you in your struggle - as long as it doesn't come up every single time you talk, or he may start to feel smothered. Spend lots of time with friends, keep busy, read a classic book you've always wanted to be able to say you have, maybe take up a new and exciting hobby that grows your confidence (I recently did a tango class, despite being a terrible dancer, and I felt like one badass mama by the end of it; even though I was still not the best in the class, having something I went to regularly and did alone, entirely independent, and being able to watch myself visibly improve week by week was extremely empowering). Keeping busy will do multiple things to help; firstly, it'll keep you from obsessing about him, secondly, it'll give you more interesting things to talk about when you do chat to him - and your having stuff in your life he doesn't know inside and out can not only be good for keeping conversation surprising and entertaining, but can also be a powerful tool for keeping him intrigued as he realises there's still stuff to discover about you. Making a single person the focal point of your existence can feel very dramatic and romantic, but it's not very healthy long-term for either of you, and he may begin to feel suffocated after a while.
Maybe let him say I love you first, the next few times you talk, and if he doesn't, then let it go. I'm sure he will soon enough. Stay warm, friendly and approachable, but don't give him everything on a silver platter before he asks for it. You're not playing with him here, or testing his love - you're just withdrawing to a distance that's more comfortable for both of you, to let you both breathe, and letting him make the approach, for a change. Many (not all) guys do still love a bit of a challenge, so you may well be surprised how much more effort he starts to put in once he works out you've made room for him to do so. Don't be distant, though - be sure to respond in kind to any efforts he makes, and meet him halfway.
Good luck, and please let us know how you go.