Struggling with LDR in College

[hpgirl127]

Hey guys! I'm new to LFAD and I was hoping that I could get some advice from some of you about what it is that I'm feeling and what my next steps ought to be.

I have been dating my boyfriend since our freshman year in high school. He was my best guy friend before that, and all throughout high school, we had a wonderful relationship. We definitely had our ups and downs, but on the whole, we loved each other and were very happy together.

We've now been in college for about five months. He goes to college in Utah and I go to college in our home state, California. The distance has taken a HUGE emotional toll on our relationship, especially me. I'm a person who really relies on quality time and frequent quality communication in order to maintain a relationship. However, because of how busy we both are, we don't have a lot of time to make this happen.

What frustrates me the most is that I feel like I'm always the one who's initiating conversations or making plans to Skype/phone call/text/etc. It makes me feel like he's completely content to just have me as a girlfriend but not put in any real effort into making this work. I have talked to him about this multiple times, and he'll try to appease me by texting me first more often and whatnot. But this only lasts for a period of time before things return to normal and I'm left feeling like he doesn't truly care.

We've discussed breaking up multiple times in the past few months, but each time I bring it up (by the way, I'm the only one who ever mentions this as a possibility), he declares his undying love for me and says things like "I know you're the one for me," "I love you," "I want us to be together forever," etc. The problem is, I'm beginning to feel like these are empty words because the actions don't always back it up.

I've also been talking to my parents about my problems with this LDR, and they've been telling me that I'm too young to be worrying about being in as committed of a relationship as this one is, especially considering the relationship has now become long-distance. My question for all of you is: am I too young to be worrying about making a "forever" commitment? Should I just enjoy a more casual LDR with my boyfriend?

I also have another question, specifically to the people who have been in LDRs for a very long time (like at least a year of actual long-distance would be great!). I have had a lot of up-and-down feelings about whether or not I should be in a long-distance relationship. I'll go through periods of time where I feel like this is too stressful for me and I should break up with my boyfriend and just enjoy the single life. Then there will be periods of time where I'll feel like I love my boyfriend so much and it's just the distance that's making things difficult. Has anybody else felt like this before? And if so, what did it mean to you, and how did you handle it?

I'll be seeing my boyfriend again in June when I return home from school, and we'll have until about mid-August to spend time together until he goes back to school (his school starts in August, mine starts in September). Should I wait to make a decision until after we've spent more time with each other physically?

Thank you all so much for your help!! It would mean the world to me if I could get some feedback on this.

[Sora1101]

In the beginning of my LDR (we started LD because we met online) up to about a year into it I questioned whether this kind of relationship was what I wanted. I definitely had my ups and downs with missing him and feeling so lonely while watching all my friends go out with their boyfriends, going on dates and just being together all the time in general. But I made myself stop and seriously think. Sure I was lonely but there was a reason for that, I wasn't lonely because I was alone, I was lonely because I knew there was a person out there in the world that I truly wanted to be with and couldn't. I thought about how life would be if my SO was removed from my life, never being able to talk to him, never being able to hear his voice. It literally made me cry, I wanted him and I wanted him desperately. It truly made me realize that I would rather wait and suffer this terrible distance than to never have my SO in my life at all, he was the only one I wanted and he was worth waiting for.

So here are my suggestions. Sit down and make a pro/con list and list everything you can about your SO and your relationship. Think about what your life would be like without him, are you willing to start over with someone new or do you really want to be with him? As for the communication problems my SO is the same way, I'm the one always asking for video chats and phone calls and you know what? I learned to get over the fact that I had to ask for it and just appreciate the fact that my SO was even willing to do those things for me. I think you should realize what you consider putting in effort might be totally different than what he considers to be putting in effort.

For example, you think putting effort in is initiating conversations and setting up skype dates. Well maybe his definition is giving you what makes you happy like those skype dates and phone calls, working around his schedule so that you can have relationship time. I think you'll feel better when you realize it doesn't matter who starts the conversations as long as you are having them. He still talks to you right? So who cares that you texted him first.

[carolynred]

My SO and I went at least a year LD due to college, and needless to say I had my ups and downs about it. This is not an easy thing at all to say the least, so don't put more pressure on yourself than you have to. Being LD in college takes some patience and flexibility. If you two both have majors that keep you busy, perhaps maybe you can talk to him about setting up times to talk everyday? Maybe not long periods of time but maybe every night after homework or during lunch, things like that. My SO and I ended up talking primarily at night while during the day we just exchanged a few texts. It took some adjusting, but after awhile we both got used to it.

As to being casual, I would say that just try to be loose on things that happen. You both sound like you're busy and I bet things happen to where you're busy and then he is when you're not busy anymore. Just be flexible when he has a hard time communicating back. As long as you both are trying then I bet you two will be able to find those times where you can communicate more. If it comes to where neither you do not want to try, then I would consider maybe your relationship not working. Otherwise, I feel like you two have great potential.

Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to.

[Alsfia]

First of all Id say take some time to actually let everything new, college and everything it means along with being LD, sink in properly. Second, I think everyone handles being in a LDR a little differently, and seeing as you and your SO have been CD for quite a while Id say you havent quite yet got used to all the differences LD brings.
About the worrying about commitment... Your in a LDR. I think that if not all then atleast an obvious majority here would say that if youre ready to go through the pain being seperated for a long time means for youre SO, then you must think you have something worth preserving.
There will always be ups and downs I think, but youll learn how to handle it. Good luck and welcome!

[hpgirl127]

Ahhhh thanks so much for the replies!! I really appreciate them

If it's okay, I wanted to ask another question. Recently I've been confused as to whether or not I want to make this relationship work anymore. I will go through phases where I'll feel like I'm too stressed out by the distance to really make this work, or that being in this relationship isn't worth it to me anymore, etc. Then I'll also go through phases where I'll feel like I really do love him, but the distance just makes things difficult. Has anyone else felt like this? Is it normal? How do you cope with this?

I know in my heart that I love and care about my boyfriend. But lately I'm wondering if I'm still "in love" with him anymore. It's been so long since I've seen him and so much has happened since our last visit that I don't know what to make of it. When we were together for three weeks during our winter break, we were having a great time and everything was good again. Now everything feels like it's falling apart and I don't know what to do.

Please help me. I really need some advice

[summerkid]

It seems to me that June is not that far away. You've made it to here, you love him.. I think it's worth holding on and waiting until you guys are back together, spend some time in person, and then make a decision.

[lyonsgirl]

I'm gonna be honest. You're 18. Yes, you're high school sweethearts, but honey... the fastest changes you & your guy will go through happen during the first 2-3 years of college. (At least, that's what I've seen. Me personally, and the majority of my friends from high school and from college.) Now, I'm not saying you will change so drastically you will break up. There are some people that change - and it actually makes them grow closer and works out very well for them.

College is a time to discover who you are and what you want to do with your life. As for him not contacting you first? He's a boy. Nearly every guy (with the exception, it seems, of the guys who regularly post on here) does this. You are not alone in this. I'm marrying my long distance love in October of this year, and I still have to make the first contact, otherwise we won't talk. My parents are LD. My mom feels the same way as you. My dad won't talk to her first. It just seems to be a thing with guys. But you need to focus on school first. School is so much more important than your boyfriend right now. Go ahead, hate me for saying it. I was told it many many times when I was still in college. Now I'm really glad that I listened to those people.

As for you think you want to break up? Talk to him. I see that you already have, but tell him how you are feeling. Send him an email if you must, and tell him you want his honest opinion, not for him to try and win you over again with the romantic words.

I've said this before on here, and I'll continue to say this. Love is not a feeling, but a decision. You've already said you love him. Are the "in love" feelings that are gone the butterflies, the weak knees? Congrats, you've moved beyond the honeymoon stage.

For the record. My future husband and I met our last year in college. We were CD for 4 months, LD for 2, CD for 4, and back to LD for nearly 14 months now. We got engaged 4 months ago. There is a very strong chance that we will remain LD until the wedding.

[floridaellen]

Ahhhh thanks so much for the replies!! I really appreciate them

If it's okay, I wanted to ask another question. Recently I've been confused as to whether or not I want to make this relationship work anymore. I will go through phases where I'll feel like I'm too stressed out by the distance to really make this work, or that being in this relationship isn't worth it to me anymore, etc. Then I'll also go through phases where I'll feel like I really do love him, but the distance just makes things difficult. Has anyone else felt like this? Is it normal? How do you cope with this?

I know in my heart that I love and care about my boyfriend. But lately I'm wondering if I'm still "in love" with him anymore. It's been so long since I've seen him and so much has happened since our last visit that I don't know what to make of it. When we were together for three weeks during our winter break, we were having a great time and everything was good again. Now everything feels like it's falling apart and I don't know what to do.

Please help me. I really need some advice

My SO and I are in a LDR because of college. I go to college in Florida and he lives and goes to school in our hometown in New Jersey. We have been in our college LDR since September 2011. We began dating during our junior year of high school.

I think its normal to be frustrated by the distance at times. When my SO and I first became long distance I was extremely upset about the distance and questioning my relationship. I was so used to having a boyfriend by my side, not 1000 miles away. It was a rough transition. So I understand how you feel. We were able to transition pretty well after that period and are now very happy!

Normally I would say that it doesn't matter if you are "in love". I would normally say you probably just passed the honeymoon stage. However, I see you guys have been in a relationship for over 4 years. That makes me hesitant to say that. It is entirely possible that you have outgrown him since you have been dating since you were freshmen and are no longer "in love" with him. I don't think you should brush aside those feelings. It is normal for love to change, as I'm sure you know, but considering how much you have both changed mentally over this crucial time period, I think it would be very useful to really get to the bottom of those feelings.

I don't think I could really give you advice with some little information. You are welcome to reply here or to even PM me if you would like to chat!

[hpgirl127]

Thanks for your honesty! I really appreciate it. And I'm not angry with your advice for me to focus on school! Don't worry, I love being in college too much to not focus on school. I'm actually doing quite well here and keeping up with my studies nicely! I no longer have a perfect 4.0 like I did in high school, but hey, I figure a 3.85 GPA at a UC is still pretty good I still lead my life here and hang out with my new friends and whatnot.

I think the honeymoon stage has been over for about a year now, so I'm used to that sensation. But even when we were done with the honeymoon phase (the butterflies, weak knees, etc.), I was secure in the relationship and secure in our love for each other. Now I don't feel as sure. I know that I love him very much, but oftentimes it can feel like we aren't truly in a relationship because we aren't able to spend quality time with each other for the majority of the year. We have about three months in summer and two weeks in winter to see each other. I think I'm only now just beginning to realize exactly what that kind of time apart means.

I guess I'm also asking if you've ever felt a little hopeless in your situation? And if so, how do you cope with those feelings?

[floridaellen]

Thanks for your honesty! I really appreciate it. And I'm not angry with your advice for me to focus on school! Don't worry, I love being in college too much to not focus on school. I'm actually doing quite well here and keeping up with my studies nicely! I no longer have a perfect 4.0 like I did in high school, but hey, I figure a 3.85 GPA at a UC is still pretty good I still lead my life here and hang out with my new friends and whatnot.

I think the honeymoon stage has been over for about a year now, so I'm used to that sensation. But even when we were done with the honeymoon phase (the butterflies, weak knees, etc.), I was secure in the relationship and secure in our love for each other. Now I don't feel as sure. I know that I love him very much, but oftentimes it can feel like we aren't truly in a relationship because we aren't able to spend quality time with each other for the majority of the year. We have about three months in summer and two weeks in winter to see each other. I think I'm only now just beginning to realize exactly what that kind of time apart means.

I guess I'm also asking if you've ever felt a little hopeless in your situation? And if so, how do you cope with those feelings?

I do sometimes feel hopeless. Whenever I do, I look back on our old photos and listen to our love songs. Those actions help remind me that all this crap is worth it. I also remind myself that while I don't get to see him for most of the year we do get the entire summer together, which is pretty good amount of time! It's rough but college really doesn't last that long and it really is easier to do schoolwork without him here to distract me :P

Congrats on your GPA!

[corrda00]

Ive been going through the same thing. College is a very busy time and its hard to maintain a relationship during school.

My SO and I were havig communication issues (I would always initiate, we didnt talk often). What I find helps is to get into a regular schedule with commmunicating. Eg: every day at 7:00 seemed to work a lot of days for us.

[KatieLynn]

I have been in a long distance relationship for two years now, and have been dating my SO since 2009, and I feel like I can really relate to you and what you are feeling. We have hit the rough patch as well, and to be honest, it sucks! But I know that I love my man so much and am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him. Things have had to change, yes, and we were so used to being able to spend every minute together while I lived there, but now that I am gone, we have had to find ways to make things work. Lately, like I said, it has been a bit of a struggle. What I have learned is that you really have to be open and honest with not only each other but with yourself. I was feeling like he wasnt making enough time for me, so we made a deal that at least one night on the weekend is stay home and skype night. We have had the breakup conversation more times than I would have liked to ever, but we always hit the low point and realize that we make each other happier than anyone else. It is a struggle, and an LDR is not the ideal situation, but when two people really want to make it work, it will work! It takes a lot of effort. I would say to just stick it out until you are together again, you will either realize you love each other and want to make it work, or that it isnt meant to be! This is one of those situations when you really need to listen to your heart (cheesy, I know) but dont hide what you dont want to feel. If you feel its time to end it, then its time. Or maybe just take some time from each other and see how that goes?

[hpgirl127]

Thank you all!! I really appreciate this help.

We have actually decided to take a break for a few weeks (as of today it's been a week since the break started). I've been going through such a range of emotions, and it's only been a week! Sometimes I'll feel like I just need to move on with my life and not spend as much time as I have worrying about this relationship. But then, other times I'll feel like I couldn't bear to lose him as my boyfriend and that I just need to stop stressing so much and just enjoy the good times when we can see each other. Has anyone else felt this way? Is this normal? How do you deal with this?

He's supposedly made plans to come see me during his spring break (at the end of the break we're taking). I'm even confused as to how I feel about him visiting. Sometimes I'll feel like it would be awkward, and other times I'm staring at the calendar and begging the weeks to pass by faster so that I can see him and spend time with him sooner. Is there something wrong with me?? I feel awful for being so inconsistent.

[bhurry]

you may want to go to the blog dailydoseofnormal.blogspot and read the first post.

This may help, especially the ones about forcing a relationship and loving yourself first.

And there's nothing wrong with you, everyone is flip floppy sometimes. Just give yourself time.

[HisRaven]

To your first problem, my SO feels that from me at times that he's the only one doing things and honestly during all that he goes through (exactly what you describe) I have zero idea on his situation and think everything is fine.

I'll advice you to not pretend things are fine when they're not because then he'll continue being just the way he is. If you won't tell him he won't know. Tell him exactly what you feel. Don't use mushy words (like i did ) Say directly that you feel he's not making an effort for you. If you say I miss you doing this I miss you doing that, he'll just say I miss things back and you don't want that. You want action. So be direct, but polite. Don't hurt his feelings.

Secondly, yes we go through that ALOT! My relationship has been long distance through out. And we've been through some rough times, me and him both have faced severe emotional traumas (especially me 'cause i'm not as strong as him). And it kills to not be there for each other in the time of need.

Before anything else you should know that long distance is nothing but patience. Patience and patience through out. With patience come trust. If you feel you're not the kind of person who can handle the longing moments and stresses of LDR then don't force yourself into it. Because honestly it can be very very hard. The stress, the distance, physical needs and just plain having them around yourself. You'll feel lonely even in crowds, you'll feel lost, depressed. But if you're willing to work for it and if he is too only then can you two make it work. Because LDR needs work and effort and patience from both the sides (all relationships do actually).

Communication should be your first priority. Conveying your feelings and not keeping things against each other.

I hope you find a way <3