How do I know when to let go?

[mesommer]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. About a year of that has been long distance, but we are only two hours apart. He is a senior in high school and I'm a sophomore in college. Our first year of long distance was stressful as expected, but we managed to survive, remain in love with one another, and come out stronger for it at the end of the year. We spent our summer together and I came back to school expecting things to go about the same as they did last year - happy, but stressful and lonely at times.

This year has been such a struggle though. Our first month back to LD was fine, but about a month ago, my bf revealed to me that he's depressed. He says he hasn't been eating or sleeping much and he is so lonely. He says he is hiding things from me (nothing too awful...he just knows I'll worry about him). He has been emotionally distant, defensive and even a bit verbally combative. It's hard for me to be happy when he is like this and it's been such a struggle recently for me to be patient and understanding when it seems like he says and does things to purposefully hurt me.

Last night, he said some very upsetting things to me, basically along the lines of he isn't sure about anything anymore including our relationship and that he finds our relationship when I am home so predicatble and boring. I was hurt and with urging from my roommates who don't really understand the situation, broke up with him. He was upset and this morning when I woke up, I instantly regretted it. I called him and asked if we could talk later and he said yes.

I just want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting to fix things and give him a second chance (if he'll even take it). My roommates and my parents seem to think so, but it's easier for other people who are in or have been in an LDR to understand that distance exaggerates every emotion. Every moment of anger, lonileness, and sadness seems to be amplified because your partner isn't right there in front of you. You go through those feelings without having the person that's making you feel those ways right in front of you and it makes the relationship seem unreal.
So. Am I making a big mistake or am I doing the right thing by wanting to make it work?

Thanks for the advice! Sorry my post was so long! Hopefully, you all are having a better week than I am.

[cadams14]

Hey, I'm facing a similar situation. My SO and I have also been together for 2 1/2 years and with the distance between us I sometimes wonder if we will be able to last any longer. It sounds like your SO just really misses you. Maybe the distance between the two of you is more than what he can handle. So, instead of dealing with it he is trying to end it. I suggest that you just have a heart to heart with him. Call him and allow him to lay everything out on the table and you do the same. Tell him how you feel and ask him once and for all does he want to continue with the relationship or not. The way I see it if you two are meant to be together distance wont get in the way. If not ending it now will save you heart break later on. Lets face it, long distance relationships suck! But they will make the both of you a lot stronger in the end.

[RachelAnne]

^ I agree with this...maybe the distance was just getting to him and he thought the easiest way was to end it, then realizing it wasn't what he wanted at all. I'm sorry ya'll are going through this Hopefully when you talk things will ease up and ya'll can try to work things through on a more positive note Best of luck to both of you!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I don't want this to sound mean or anything, but I do sort of wonder if there's more wrong than just the distance because of the "he finds it predictable and boring when [you're] home" part.

If you're being honest with yourself, did you also find any of it not as happy or fun or exciting when you guys were home/together? Did you notice that he felt that way at all?

LDR is hard, and takes a lot of work and trust, and you're right that everything seems amplified.. but if he's also questioning the time when you are together as being what he wants, or being fun and good, then that seems to be a deeper problem and maybe you're right to cut it off.

Definitely talk with him, and definitely think about your own feelings, and give both of you time to think on what you really want. Good luck!

[Kristin91]

LDRs are hard when you're not there in person to explain the situation or your feelings appropriately. Coming from the one that was depressed and lonely and sad, and I almost broke up with him... I even told him at one point that I didn't know if I loved him anymore... None of this means that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. It means he's depressed and needs some support, and probably some professional help.

Stay strong, he needs you! Best of luck and

[princessmaria]

I would give him a second chance. Like everyone else said, LDR's are hard. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and doubt how much more of it we can take, but in the end it's worth it. I don't think he meant what he said, he just had a moment of doubt and I think you are having one right now too. In times like this, the best thing to do is talk about how you're feeling and reassure each other that the love (most important thing) is still there. There are a billion reasons why people break up and almost nothing that can make two people stop loving/caring about one another. Try to work it out, I wish you the best.

[RED148]

You may have already dealt with this, but if you're still trying to figure out how to deal with this, I have a decent amount of experience dealing with depression both long and short distance. The most important thing you can do at this point is be supportive of him. It was a really big deal for him to come clean and tell you what's been going on with him. If you decided that you are committed to making your relationship work, it will take a lot of support and love from your side whether or not he seems receptive to it. When someone is depressed, the emotional distance they set up by retreating into themselves and, like you said, being verbally combative, is not something they can just snap out of or truly want. Try to distance yourself from the hurtful things by understanding he is not really himself when he's depressed. Encourage him to get some professional help and keep telling him over and over, especially when he's pushing you away that you are there for him. That is when he needs it most. Depression is scary and is just as difficult for the person going through it as it is for the people who love him. Good luck, but I'm sure you can make it through! It will get better.