Different languages

[Bbth]

I have been thinking about how the fact of speaking different languages can interfere in a relationship.

I guess most of us here communicate with our partners in english, right?

But if english is not your mother tongue or your SO's... Won't that be complicated when you close the distance?
I mean, do you think that learning your SO's language is an essencial thing for making things work?

Alex and I have been talking about this the other day. I said I think learning russian would makes us closer, but he replied: "We can only be closer if we are together".
This is cute, but long-term speaking I worry this can be a reason for breaking up.
Imagine living in a country whose language you don't speak... Now imagine raising children in it!!!

Seriously, how it can work if you don't learn your SO's mother tongue?

[Tooki]

I understand your dilemma. I think that learning your SO's language (even to a partial extent) will definitely help in regards to dealing with your own extended families. Plus I do share your mindset that it will make the two of you closer.

I'm a native English speaker and my GF speaks English. We will never a have a problem with my family, but she is Estonian and unless I learn some Estonian, I will never have a conversation with most of her family.

And with regards to living together, unless you speak English (or you live in a multilingual environment) then you will probably have some issues. As long as one of you is fluent in the language of the country you live in, then the kids will be fine.

Go and live in an English speaking country!

[kittyo9]

I'm in a similar situation to Tooki. I speak English and my SO speaks both Spanish and English, with his native language being Spanish. He will have no problem talking to my family, but I will never be able to have a conversation with his non-English-speaking family unless I learn Spanish. It's not something I'm particularly worried about, as we won't be close to his family anyway, but it is a consideration.

You both already communicate just fine in English, so I would not be worried about your relationship suffering too much if you don't learn one another's native languages. My SO certainly does not love me less because I don't speak Spanish. However, if you are moving to your partner's country, you must consider it for the sake of your job options. It will be very difficult to find a job if you do not speak the language of the country.

[Moon]

While it's both good and a sign of respect to learn your SO's language, regardless of what language it is, it certainly shouldn't be a reason to break up! If it were, many of us wouldn't be here. When I'm in Helsinki, all of my guy's friends speak English, but his parents don't, so he translates and I'm very slowly trying to learn Finnish, afterall I spend a good deal of time there, its not like I'm a tourist at this point, so I try to learn it out of respect, and so I can read basic signs, and ingredients in the grocery store, etc. Also, there are so many families raising bilingual kids, it's great for them to start off learning multiple languages, it's not that unusual, or a big deal.

Have you been to Russia yet? I was there a couple of years ago, and I'll tell ya, there was very little English anywhere, it was actually quite difficult at times, and that was in St. Petersburg, the most European area in the country. I'd definitely recommend starting to learn some Russian, there are so many free resources available. Communication, as important as it is, doesn't need the same mother tongue.

[Dziubka]

I think once you go live in a country where you don't speak the language, you're going to pick it up eventually anyway. We all know examples of someone who has lived in some country for x amount of time and still doesn't speak the language, but I'm pretty sure that's the exception to the general rule. If you put even only a little effort into it, then you're going to learn it quite fast.

I don't think that learning your SOs language is essential to your relationship, but it does definitely help. If you communicate in a language that isn't the first language for either of you, it will be hard to integrate with each other's friends and family. Even if a lot of people speak English (which like Moon already pointed out, isn't the case everywhere), when they go out as a group or at family gatherings, they'll still speak in their first language. I'm pretty fluent in my boyfriend's mother tongue and we mainly communicate in his language, and I still sometimes feel left out because I don't understand everything.
My boyfriend speaks my language enough to have some simple conversation with my family or friends. I was worried at first that it wouldn't be enough, but apparently everyone in my family (except for me ) speaks very slowly and has clear pronounciation, which makes it easier for him.

Unless you plan to move to an English speaking country, and I don't know how realistic that is considering even marriage visas seem to be hard to get, you should at least learn some basics in each other's language.

[triste]

I think it isn't a deal breaker in a relationship to speak your loved ones language, but as someone said earlier, it is a sign of respect to at least try. It can also help their family be accepting of this special person in your life, as smiling can only get you so far!

I lived in my ex-husband's country, but already spoke the main language Spanish, thought there are 22 other languages, I had no problem. My son is bilingual and we have lived in Central America and US. My SO is Turkish and we lived together for two years, so we have a lot of Turkish friends and there is always someone visiting who doesn't speak English. I have been learning slowly and can say hi and the basics, but I can follow conversations better than I speak. It is my goal to be as fluent as possible before we are together again, as I hope to meet his family someday and there is also the possibility that he will have to go back to Turkey for one or two years...I want to be ready for anything.

I think it would be a great to try and learn Russian, and surprise your SO with what you learn...I don't know about you, but somehow I feel closer to him when I am practicing Turkish.

My son has also made an effort to learn Turkish...Kids are unbelievably adaptable and can only gain from being multilingual and multi-cultural.

As far as where you will CD...yes, most definitely harder to move to a third country where English is spoken (it took years to get my ex's papers for US). Talk to your SO...who knows, maybe you can challenge each other to see who learns the other's language faster! We used to do a new word a day...an excuse for a text Maybe start out slow?

Good Luck!

[lucybelle]

My SO and I are both fluent in each other's languages. We hardly ever have communication barriers. When we have serious conversations, most of the times I'll speak in English and he'll speak in Spanish so we can both say exactly what we want.

Normal every day days, we mostly speak Spanglish. We're trying really hard to speak Spanish full time, but we forget and slip into English!

I think it's really important to know your SO's language. To communicate with family, understand their culture and show an interest in where they come from. Plus it's fun to be able to speak a language no one else knows and talk about people. (although that doesn't work so well since most people here know English and tons of people in the USA speak Spanish We need to learn a third language!)

[Moongoddess]

Hi there,
This has actually been a topic that has come up very recently in my relationship. My SO and I met in France and communicate in French almost all the time. I spent a bit of time with his family and had to speak only French with them. While my French is relatively fluent, there have been plenty of times that I have really had trouble expressing myself (especially at the beginning of our relationship, but I really forced myself to speak very little English while I was abroad and it did wonders for me, so don't worry you can learn his language if you so desire). Recently, he and his sister came to visit me in the US and we had agreed to only speak English while they were here.Wellll, turns out his sister totally refused to speak my language. I understand this since her English is not that great and something I've noticed about many French people is that they hate making linguistic mistakes and become very self-conscious. I still couldn't help being a bit offended though since this was finally my chance to fully express myself and share my culture after putting so much effort into learnging their language and really trying to speak this language with them. They also had trouble communicating with my family since my fam isn't used to talking to people who aren't completely fluent in English so they speak quickly and don't make a huge effort to enunciate. To be honest this kind of sucked since I really wanted them all to get along, but the language barrier was a problem.

For me ideally, I want us both to be bilingual. Especially since my boyfriend is considering moving here and you really have to speak good English to work here. Now his English isn't horrible, but it's not that great either. So we've agreed to speak more English together from time to time and he is going to make an effort to fill in the gaps while I do the same with my French. I just want things to be equal between us and I think learning another language is so so beneficial in so many ways. No one loses though there are bound to be some embarrassing moments and language gaffes, but hey you gotta learn to laugh at yourself. This way we can both integrate into each other's families and share each other's cultures more fully. Just my two cents.

[Moon]

My SO and I are both fluent in each other's languages. We hardly ever have communication barriers. When we have serious conversations, most of the times I'll speak in English and he'll speak in Spanish so we can both say exactly what we want.

Normal every day days, we mostly speak Spanglish. We're trying really hard to speak Spanish full time, but we forget and slip into English!

I think it's really important to know your SO's language. To communicate with family, understand their culture and show an interest in where they come from. Plus it's fun to be able to speak a language no one else knows and talk about people. (although that doesn't work so well since most people here know English and tons of people in the USA speak Spanish We need to learn a third language!)

Try Finnish, nobody will EVER understand you

[mllebamako]

Plus it's fun to be able to speak a language no one else knows and talk about people. (although that doesn't work so well since most people here know English and tons of people in the USA speak Spanish We need to learn a third language!)

Haha I always tell my SO that this is the main reason I want to be fluent in Bambara.

Back to the thread: I do not speak my SO's language very well and to be honest, it does kind of suck sometimes. If we were in the USA, it might not matter so much. But, living in his country, it does effect us. Not on a just-us-together level, since my SO speaks fluent English. But it is really boring for me when his friends or family are over at our house or we go visit people. I get super bored just sitting around while everyone is chatting in Bambara. So, I stopped going to hang out with him and his friends/family unless it's a shorter visit.

As for learning the language by being in the country, I have to disagree with some who say it's really easy. Of course, it depends on your situation. If you move there and have virtually NO ONE in your life there who speaks your language, then I'm sure you'll learn pretty quickly by immersion. But that may not be the case. My SO speaks fluent English, most of his friends speak enough French that we can communicate (although no long, deep conversations and once we get passed the basics, they usually switch back to their native language). And my work is all in French. So besides going shopping at the outdoor market, I really have very few times when I am forced to speak Bambara. All this means that my basic/shopping Bambara is pretty rocking but beyond that it's pretty weak. I really would love to be fluent in his language, especially when it comes to being included in the family. It has been pretty tough, but I'll keep trying.

I don't think you should worry about breaking up over this or anything. But at least make the effort to learn the basics while you are apart and then if you were to move to his country, you could take classes and work on becoming more fluent.

[Tooki]

Try Finnish, nobody will EVER understand you

My GF would understand

And most Estonians don't understand my English anyway because of my accent.

[lademoiselle]

I don't think I'd have gone back to studying French if it hadn't been for meeting my SO.

He speaks English almost like a native so we've communicated in that from day one; we'll never have a problem with understanding each other, but that isn't the point. The more I travel to France the more important I feel it is to try to learn my SO's language, most of all so I can talk to his family (at one gathering I grew so frustrated with being unable to express myself or understand all of what was being said to me that I ended up in tears on the train back to the flat!). Knowing another language is always a useful skill to have, and if you make the effort to pick up the one of the person you love, well so much the better

[TwoThree]

Try Finnish, nobody will EVER understand you

You'd be surprised. I was on a plane going from my hometown to Paris and everyone on board was quiet... EXCEPT for two middle-aged gentlemen sitting behind me, who kept talking Finnish very loudly during the whole flight I'm sure they thought they being clever since no one would understand them. Little did they know that I caught a few words, like Sunday and Family. Muahahahaha!

[Tooki]

You'd be surprised. I was on a plane going from my hometown to Paris and everyone on board was quiet... EXCEPT for two middle-aged gentlemen sitting behind me, who kept talking Finnish very loudly during the whole flight I'm sure they thought they being clever since no one would understand them. Little did they know that I caught a few words, like Sunday and Family. Muahahahaha!

LOUD finns? On every flight I've been on to Finland it's quiet. All the Finns are quietly talking to each other. And the babies are so obedient and quiet!

[TwoThree]

Well, not THAT loud but you could hear them clearly several seats away.

However, I have been on planes full of drunken, loud Finns going on (or back from) vacation and it's been quite the nightmare. They give me headaches. Mostly women, though.