I really need some advice

[Sarah Lee]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice, I'm new to forums, this was actually my 1st post ever.. to get to much love & support means so much...

He's always been super horrible at communicating, but at the same time we are not just dating, were married & living in different countries no less... May be after 5 years of being with me he isn't that into me anymore, which it definitely seems like...

He called again & we talked for a bit..
I brought up our marriage & some things that I've notices about his behavior.. He got really quiet & distant as I talked, I told him "Why are you quiet, you should have an input in our marriage as well, you cant just be happy to talk to me & full of energy only when we don't mention what your doing that's upsetting me. "
So he says " I love you more than anything in this world & don't want to be with anyone but you & you love me, so why do we need to talk?, you know the person I am & I know the person you are, we don't need to get to know each other anymore. I trust you completely & know that your safe, I'm not emotional or good at communicating so I cant do those things. The more I talk to you the more depressed I get bc I miss you so much, but I'll try to get better at communicating bc I don't want to lose this"

So I said " your not emotional, like most men.. I grew up with 2 very manly men but they don't expect me to be like them bc I'm girly.. you never stop learning things about your spouse even when your older your always learning new things. We live in different countries , you cant expect me to just jump into your arm a year from now after all this distance you created & automatically have every be fine"

Our conversation carried on like this for about 2 hours, he tried to change the subject & just talk about happy things.. He understood where I was coming from & since then we've been communicating way more.. we talked a lot this weekend.. However I can tell he misses me a lot & it makes me sad, but I rather us talk & have us miss each other than to not talk & create necessary distance.

[aniay]

I saddly been in place of your husband, Cutting contact, getting distant, being simply nice.
My advice is be ready for everything, he might not be cheating on you at all but he might be wondering, having doubts. Distance is a test for any relationship, most of the time we come up stronger with it. Tell him you really want him to visit, as someone said telling "we will see" sounds like you didn't care about his visit.

Second advice is, and while it might sound harsh it's speaking from experience, don't get pregnant. If there are any doubts, kid will only complicate things.

Good luck, and stay strong.

[digitalfever]

This might sound harsh but I’d pull back from your marriage. I know this is probably a “no-no” but it sounds like your husband is living life without you by choice and you have to take that choice away. How do you do this? You don’t involve yourself. Stop sending him cute emails, stop emailing him, don’t call and back off for about two weeks. Go about your life as though he went on a business trip and he’s not accessible.
I think by taking away the choice you’re going to take away his sense of security. He knows you’ll come to him so he doesn’t have to change, put in effort or communicate. Stop communicating, stop giving him attention and stop letting him be this way.

[Verojoon]

Though I agree with everything everyone has said, I wanted to add a few things. It seems that when you really put your feelings out there on the line, he responded a little better, no? You seem like a very strong and independent woman and that's great but when you where explaining your problem to us you made such a strong point of not wanting to appear needy or clingy that I'm wondering if these signals intrude in your conversations with your SO as well...

That being said, even if you aren't communicating your needs perfectly, I think his behavior is inexcusable... He could have met someone else, or it could be, as he said that he misses you more when he talks to you... (My SO and I went through that issue some years ago) The thing is marriage takes work, and if he's not comfortable communicating with you, he needs to make the effort and learn. It doesn't have to be traumatic for him... you can make baby steps. At first, my SO and I would only communicate important, difficult subjects by email... we both had a difficult time communicating in person and this made it easier. When we talked we might have touched slightly on the email, but we usually kept conversation to happy things. Over the years we have gotten better at communicating. For example my SO used to pull completely away from me after a visit. So I would go from being with him 24/7 to barely any contact at all. It made it easier for him to readjust to the distance, he said. But eventually I managed to get him to understand that it left me feeling alone at the time I needed him most. He also learned that doing things to make me happy made him happy too.

For me and my SO to get better with communication took some very drastic measures that don't always really work out in real life. Last Spring I left him. There were many issues, but communication was probably at the root of many of them. The months we spent apart (in our relationship not just distance) really allowed us the chance to experience the growth we needed to be able to put the work our relationship deserved. I hope you can find what you need to.

*hugs*

[Sarah Lee]

He's being abnormally nice to me for the past week...

He told me that this weekend is his nieces christening but he isn't going (he isn't close to his nice)... Then yesterday he all of a sudden decided to sleep over at this brothers house tonight so he could go tomorrow to the christening... I know him, he absolutely hates sleeping any where strange & he's always disliked his brothers fiancee bc she cheated on his brother a few years ago, then recently he found out some other things that he said makes him dislike her even more.. The strange past is that he told me no other family members got invited to the christening besides him, but I know his father would want to be there for his grand daughters christening... So it doesn't make sense to me at all...

The problem is that his brothers fiancee & his ex girlfriend are best friends... So his ex girl friend is invited to the christening as well & she'll be there... She's always there, she's always around him, every single opportunity she gets...

I told him we shouldn't talk this weekend because he should focus on spending time with his niece since he hardly ever gets to see her & it isn't fair to her for him to be on the phone with me, (also I'll be busy since this weekend is Mother's Day & I'll be spending it with my parents)

Does anyone else think this story doesn't add up...???

[Hollandia]

I have a problem with the ex girlfriend being around all the time. I would have NO problem telling my SO that it has to stop. He is married and it is just wrong. She knows it and does not care and He knows it and does not care and you know it, why are you waiting to bring up the elephant in the room?

Just because he is open about her being around all the time does not mean it is innocent, it just means he is being open about it.

[digitalfever]

That'll sounds like he was getting some strange and invented a bad story to cover it up.

[Sarah Lee]

I've expressed how I felt about her always being around before, but there really isn't anything we can do about her being around. He has to be there for his niece & his brother for every occasion in there lives & his ex girlfriend gets invited to every occasion as well... It isn't our place to ask his brothers fiancee to not invite her, bc they've been best friends since 1st grade... So they both are very involved in each others lives....

Also his ex girlfriend lives literally 9 minutes away from my husband by car...
The place where his brother lives & where the christening is happening is 3 hours away ( he took the train there) from where they both live so I'm worried that may be he'll get a ride home with her instead of taking the train after the christening since she'll be going to the same area.. I feel like he wouldn't tell me if he does get a ride with her bc he knows how I feel about her...

I don't know how to confront him about it without coming off as insecure, I'm not an insecure person at all & he wouldn't tell me what happened unless I ask.. I don't know how to deal with this situation..

[Hollandia]

I've expressed how I felt about her always being around before, but there really isn't anything we can do about her being around. He has to be there for his niece & his brother for every occasion in there lives & his ex girlfriend gets invited to every occasion as well... It isn't our place to ask his brothers fiancee to not invite her, bc they've been best friends since 1st grade... So they both are very involved in each others lives....

Also his ex girlfriend lives literally 9 minutes away from my husband by car...
The place where his brother lives & where the christening is happening is 3 hours away ( he took the train there) from where they both live so I'm worried that may be he'll get a ride home with her instead of taking the train after the christening since she'll be going to the same area.. I feel like he wouldn't tell me if he does get a ride with her bc he knows how I feel about her...

I don't know how to confront him about it without coming off as insecure, I'm not an insecure person at all & he wouldn't tell me what happened unless I ask.. I don't know how to deal with this situation..

Honey, I am sorry but that is just wrong. He is your HUSBAND. He should not be spending all his time with his ex GF, his brother and his fiancee should respect that too. I would suggest having a talk with the three of them about it. How often are these events? Once a month, once a week? Does this ex not have a life of her own that does not involve your husband and his family? He should be spending his free time with you and not her.

Excuse my french, but frak looking insincere. This is your marriage you are talking about. I suggest being open and honest about how this makes you feel. I am not saying your should or could forbid him for seeing her but explaining how much this hurts you and asking that he respect that since he is supposed to love you and be devoted to you. Am I wrong or do you think you might be making excuses for all his behavior?

[Sarah Lee]

I've told him countless time how I feel about this particular situation.... I cant do anything from here right now so I need to wait until I get back to his country to talk with all three of them...

I know he tries to stay away from her because they live very close to each other & if he wanted to be around her he would... They were both each others 1st sexually so they obviously had some kind of bond in the past.. It's been over 5 years that my husband & I have been together & she still wants to be around him & his family... I do hope she moves on soon & is happy with her life...

[Hollandia]

I've told him countless time how I feel about this particular situation.... I cant do anything from here right now so I need to wait until I get back to his country to talk with all three of them...

I know he tries to stay away from her because they live very close to each other & if he wanted to be around her he would... They were both each others 1st sexually so they obviously had some kind of bond in the past.. It's been over 5 years that my husband & I have been together & she still wants to be around him & his family... I do hope she moves on soon & is happy with her life...

Sorry to hear that. I do think that he should avoid her but you seem to feel you cannot control the situation until you close the distance. He has the upper hand and you sound like you have decided to accept it. I would have a hard time of forgiving my SO if he ever made me feel that way, but that is your choice.

It sounds like you are trusting about it and that should help you be able to deal with it. I hope that your distance gets ended soon and you are able to be with your husband all the time. It should be interesting to hear about how the ex reacts when you are back in your husband's arms again. Please keep us updated.

[Sarah Lee]

Something odd happened...

I mentioned that the whole reason for his ex being invited was for his nieces christening..
He told me she didn't come to the church for the christening, she just showed up at his brothers house after the christening & stayed for over 3 hours.. He said he waived hello & walked into another room, he tried to be in different rooms from her but she kept somehow ending up in the same room as him... He also said she seemed like she wanted to talk to him but he kept his distance & didn't pay any attention to her so eventually she left... I'm not comfortable with that at all... she needs to respect the fact that he's married & more on..!!!

[libelle]

When I need all that it makes me angry ... Sorry for being bashful but isn't he a man enough to fucking man up and tell her to go and fuck off??? Come ON it is NOT taht hard ... What is she more important than you? If ignoring her doesn't work what, just let her lurk around for the rest of his/your life? You too need to step in and make it CLEAR you do NOT deserve this and with all the lack of communication, with all the problems you have, this is the last thing you deserve him to serve you... Step in and if it doesn't change wave him goodbye so he can go sleep over and meet her as much as he wants. I absolutely hate people like that. She needs to back off and if nothing helps then nothing stops you to step in and tell her two words. It is your pride after all and you are the first person who is responsible for defending it, tell her all what you said here in the forum to us. To get a fucking life and stop bothering him like some pathetic idiot. :X

[Hollandia]

When I need all that it makes me angry ... Sorry for being bashful but isn't he a man enough to fucking man up and tell her to go and fuck off??? Come ON it is NOT taht hard ... What is she more important than you? If ignoring her doesn't work what, just let her lurk around for the rest of his/your life? You too need to step in and make it CLEAR you do NOT deserve this and with all the lack of communication, with all the problems you have, this is the last thing you deserve him to serve you... Step in and if it doesn't change wave him goodbye so he can go sleep over and meet her as much as he wants. I absolutely hate people like that. She needs to back off and if nothing helps then nothing stops you to step in and tell her two words. It is your pride after all and you are the first person who is responsible for defending it, tell her all what you said here in the forum to us. To get a fucking life and stop bothering him like some pathetic idiot. :X

I tend to agree but I do feel like the OP has decided to accept this behavior from him for now. I might be wrong but she has stated that she tried to speak to him and he won't listen and so there is nothing that she can do from where she is. If this is how she feels, I don't know what else to say. I personally would be telling him the immigration attorney might be getting replaced with a divorce attorney if he did not stop putting others first.

If you don't put your spouse first, your marriage is most likely doomed.

[jennifer]

even i agree with everyone else... u need to be clear about wht u want.... its ur marriage at stake... and u shud think twice before taking any serious step... give urself and him sometime.. if his attitude towads u doesnt change then its time u shud give him an ultimatum... through ur posts i can clearly make out that he has settled into his own life and seriously dear i too wud have became insecure... so ur insecurity is very normal... and u must convince ur husband to stop visitng those places whr his ex- gf is... coz i can clearly make out that that girl's intentions not good... so u shud just talk to him and tell him u wont tolerate all this bullshit! u shud take a firm step... and be clear... cuz i wud neverb tolerate if my SO does something like this.... so be clear and convince ur husband...