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    Is his love gone?

    Guys, I don't know what to do anymore, but I think you saw my previous threads about always having trouble with my LDR, well, not trouble, but saddness, fights, like he doesn't care enough etc...

    theyre here https://members.lovingfromadistance....e-meet-!/page2
    and here https://members.lovingfromadistance....-is-he-serious

    and I don't know, now it's a month and less than a week until I would fly over for the first time, but in between we had so many fights, in April there was a really bad one when he said it's over that he doesn't love me anymore. Just so, over night. We had a fight and he said he needs 2 days and I left him alone, then I wrote him and he kept me waiting all week, he said he has to see the outcome of something. It turned out he wanted to do istihare, this thing when muslims ask guidance from dreams. However it didn't work for him, he kept me waiting saying his family will try. His sister did then and it was positive and somehow we made up after he still talked to parents and told them about our relationship. But that week when we just talked so he told me how this 'outcome' is going he was acting very very bad to me. I was devastated, I couldn't eat normally or sleep and cried so much every day, this whole week knowing that it all depends on dreams. I was shocked that he would put us on a 'dream game' like this. However, I then somehow accepted it. However when he came and I told him all that he kept saying he doesnt care, that he doesn't feel anything anymore, that I can kill myself that he doesn't want me that he's afraid if he lived with and married that he would kill himself because of my nerves and constant fights. I was so much hurt. He just didn't care if I ate or not, if I cried. He kept saying I don't care. Then I told him my life's story how I lost my father to suicide and how life was never easy for me dealing with depression after and with health problems while still keeping strong for my family and he answered me that he's selfish and that my story doesn't make him change his mind, he still doesn't care. I somehow convinced him to continue then when I told him if he really doesnt love me anymore why did he keep me waiting all week 'trying to fix it' and if that's so he should tell me that on camera and he excused it to language as in that I would make fun. And seriously he would tell me that he doesnot love me anymore and I would have time to make fun when I'd be falling apart? Somehow I saw he still feels love, just denies himself because its easier to give up for him. And then we continued, slowly he stopped being cold. Somehow he relaxed with sister's positive dream, but since then I feel it's never the same again. Like everytime I point something up and even if its just conversation he starts saying if I wanna fight again and finish it. It's like we are only still good when its about sex... other times he would always say I eat his nerves or answer serious...Now last 2 weeks he also doesn't use much of his time anymore to come online. When he works late sometimes he will just stay out with friends or with family ( he had sister come over from abroad recently with her kids and husband) and even if he has still could find time for me he goes to sleep like he's avoiding me or just wants to talk less to me. I'm falling apart here, I don't know what to think anymore. When I asked about his love he said I'm talking like and idiot and that if he's still talking to me it means he's still sure of his love. But when he writes me sms and in general, its just I love You's and I don't see meaning in them, like he writes empty, like its routine. Even when I asked him after a year to make a video for me, because we don't see each other on cam often he said he doesn't wanna do it because he looks like idiot talking to camera and making a video. He did it a year ago even if he never liked making them, but then he said okay I will try, but he didnt until now and its 2 days since he said it.

    I asked him with what I deserved such bad treatment, he said sometimes I had mental problems, that I'm idiot. And he said that I hurt him so much before that he just doesn't care anymore. But I never hurt him as much as he hurt me and I Always had to ask of him to show me his love or else were just words. He even told me 2 weeks ago that he thought we can never be happy, because we got so different minds and culture and all and we can never agree. But sometimes we can if we work for it...
    I really don't know guys, how can I know about his love if I feel its fading and he keeps saying its not true, but at the same time he acts like he doesn't care sometimes when we fight (when he mentions finishing)
    I feel no joy anymore about seeing him or even going and he's saying be calm we will see if we will continue or not when you come, because he really wants to see if I'm any better in real (about my nerves)
    But I don't wanna go for a test and come back even more broken than I would be now. I never before thought of visiting any guy, but I would go for him, my first flight and travel alone its already enough pressure for me and I just want a little support and happiness from him. When I ask him where's his excitement about me coming he says he just tries to stay calm, but thats taking my joy, its like I don't dare to let myself be excited about going because I don't know if when I come he'll like me or it'll finish. It hurts so much, but I really don't know what to do anymore, if I should go or not...

    please help!
    Last edited by innocentbutterfly; July 5, 2013, 03:48 PM.

    #2
    Ask yourself if you want to be treated like that for the rest of your life.

    You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and care.

    I don't know if his love is gone but Saying things like that is cruel. He keeps hurting you and he keeps telling he doesn't want you anymore.

    Being with someone you love should give you joy not sadness, smile and not tears.(There are worse days but NOONE should be hurt on purpose by their loved one)

    Being blunt it feels like this guy is constantly kicking you while you lie down crying. He does it with words though.

    I red your previous posts, and in my opinion this is quite a onesided relationship. You sound like such a great girl and you don't deserve this treatment. You shouldn't need to convince anyone to be with you.

    Even though it might feel like the end of the world If I were you I'd close this.
    “We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”
    ― Robert Fulghum, True Love

    Met UK 3.08.2012-5.08.12 ->UK 1.12.12-3.12.12->PL 8.02.13-16.02.13->PL 1.06.13-9.06.13->UK 3.08.13-17.08.13->UK 26.10.2013-02.11.2013->PL 30.11.2013-08.12.2013->PL 22.03.2014-29.03.2014->UK 31.05.2014-07.06.2014->PL 06.09.2014-13.09.13->UK 20.12.2014-03.01.2015
    Closed the distance >21.03.2015
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      #3
      I have been a lurker for the past couple of days and I've found so many good stories, advices on this forum. Well, your post just made it Compulsory for me to reply.
      I'm a muslim and I can tell you that the dream thing is probably a lie, he's just making it up for God knows what reasons. You said that he talks good when it's about sex, so I'm guessing that all he wants from u is cyber-sex and probably real sex if you meet him. So, my first advice to you will be to not visit him yet because that'd be probably stupid.
      I would like to advise you to think about your relation, from the beginning has he always been more interested in the sex talk or was he more loving n caring. I could be wrong, so you have to believe in your gut.
      I'm sorry if anything I said may have offended you but I'm just trying to help u out.

      Comment


        #4
        He sounds like a real asshole.

        From what you have written, I can gather that he doesn't love you. People who love others don't treat their beloved like that. He is mean, uncaring, immature. He is toxic. Do you really want to be with someone like that? There are men out there who will treat you with respect and love you the way you should be loved. Don't settle for this dillweed.

        Comment


          #5
          @aniay

          I sure do not want to be treated like that, but a part of me, some stupid part believes that maybe he is different in reality, because I know he has trust issues and maybe h,e acts bad like it because he still doesn't totally believe I will come. He is more like it's all just internet until we actually meet and see how we are together" though at the same time he says he loves me... maybe he is like that because it's not reality yet and he's keeping sane mind? Because he does keep repeating to me I take it all too easy - in a way that I'm a dreamer and he's realist.

          As for me coming, he is not excited at all, I mean he says he controls his emotions and that maybe when I come I will see his true love. That it's been such long time that his excitement is gone, but at the same time he wants to meet me too. I really don't know what to think. And if I say if his love got cold he assures me that if it would he wouldn't be spending that hour after work with me online when he should be sleeping if he wouldnt love me or like me. He said he thinks it's enough to show his love. He works all day till late at night and basically it's just work, sleep and me. It's true though that he does whatsapp me at work and send me sms, that didn't stop. And he paid my ticket even though he says he doesn't care about money if he lost it if something went wrong. And well, he's paying a hotel for us to stay there to...he said he will soon make a reservation. He said if I ask this those are stupid questions about his love and he will automatically answer them with a no... that I should rather ask him about future, kids... not idiot stuff like that.

          When we were in a fight a month ago and when we got together again, he kind of said that if I don't come he wouldnt be sad. He says it's life, if it doesn't happen, then it just doesn't. He's kind of a quitter if you don't encourage him...because for him it's easier to end it all than fight for it if he sees it's too hard. He always says, love doesn't mean everything. So I'm assuming he'd sacrifice his love if he felt it's too hard...

          @dilawer I don't know, but he seemed pretty serious about dreams. Even when I said I do not like it, he said this is something he believes in and I should support him and just wait for result. And he is very religious normally. He is fasting now on ramadan, he goes to mosque on Fridays when he can and he values very much what parents say. He even said if I don't plan to convert or learn his language I can forget a bout him, because he said he can't introduce me to parents with his not good english...

          and about the sex part, well, he did start kind of playful, but he also was nice and loving then. I mean as loving as he can be. He doesn't express his emotions very much. But he did sendme a gift when I sent one to him and it was a nice one. He complimented me sometimes and told me how much he wishes he was there with me and stuff like that. And even about sex, he always said if and when I come he will not do anything unless I initiate something. That he doesn0t wanna do it if I don't want to. So sex is not the case here, because even when we had a talk about it he said if I really think he'd wait me so long if he wouldn't love me and just want me for sex when he can get local girls there if that was the case...which is true though...

          It's just one year he was okay. Now since beginning of this year ever since we were making reservations for tickets and plans fell apart when we couln't find ticket for May cheap, even then he said maybe god doesn't want us to be together and kind of said maybe it's better we finished and later we had this fight with all those dreams and stuff when he really hurt me and well since then I really feel like he is not 100% with me anymore, though he says he still is and that I just have to be patient, it's just a month now...

          I don't know really what to think. He can be nice when he wants to be, but he's also very reserved. His ex hurt him when she betrayed him that she was a virgin and he was with her a few years and they weren't intimate and then he found out it's a lie.

          At the beginning already he said something along the lines that he doesn't trust girls, that they lie. Though later he changed.
          Last edited by innocentbutterfly; July 11, 2013, 06:47 PM.

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            #6
            Rationalizing bad behavior is a really bad habit. The times it turns out you should've rationalized them dwindles when compared to the amount of times you shouldn't.

            Comment


              #7
              Bad and cruel bahaviour is unacceptable and it doesn't matter if it's online or in reality. Sorry for being blunt but tell this stupid part of you to shut up.

              If he's treating you without respect right now he will not suddenly start having respect for you when you're there. It's not about emotions.

              Beside that... it looks for me like he's not accepting you as you are, he's trying to change you OR ELSE... which IMO in loving and respectfull relationship is unacceptable as well.

              I feel really bad reading about you excusing his bad behaviour, It just hurts to see another girl accepting lack of respect from a guy.

              Ask yourself what would you say to a friend who told you: "My boyfriend's treating me like shit, but I love him so much."?
              “We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”
              ― Robert Fulghum, True Love

              Met UK 3.08.2012-5.08.12 ->UK 1.12.12-3.12.12->PL 8.02.13-16.02.13->PL 1.06.13-9.06.13->UK 3.08.13-17.08.13->UK 26.10.2013-02.11.2013->PL 30.11.2013-08.12.2013->PL 22.03.2014-29.03.2014->UK 31.05.2014-07.06.2014->PL 06.09.2014-13.09.13->UK 20.12.2014-03.01.2015
              Closed the distance >21.03.2015
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                #8
                aniay i know its just i love him and try to see why such a change in the past few months = / what should i tell him then? He said all good, but that he wants me to be special for him or else he just sees me like any other girl when i told him to accept my bad traits too. He said i need to change my way of asking much complicated and deep stuff, that he cant live with this brain in future. That he saw sometimes i dont trust him and if we would marry i would need "to change my brain". He thinks so much of future, yet he tells me we gotta see what happens when we meet

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                  #9
                  but i also thought its easy to demand for some perfect image like this when u write, when he doesnt know me in real yet. Maybe that would change after we met and he would see how i am? I hate being like thinking what could be, thats why in a way i would like to go there next month to really make sure he is same in real. Because he is that already would make me not like him and i could let go easier

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by innocentbutterfly View Post
                    but i also thought its easy to demand for some perfect image like this when u write, when he doesnt know me in real yet. Maybe that would change after we met and he would see how i am? I hate being like thinking what could be, thats why in a way i would like to go there next month to really make sure he is same in real. Because he is that already would make me not like him and i could let go easier
                    Do you demand some perfect image of him? I sure didn't of my former SO and you shouldn't. Don't chase a dream, don't let desperation come over you. You're dangerously close to "He hits me but maybe if I do better he'll change". Nono, you owe him nothing and especially since he's acting like this before you met him for real, just please stand up for yourself. Everyone here cares for your safety and well-being and you're slowly digging yourself a hole you might not be able to climb up from if you continue.

                    Originally posted by innocentbutterfly View Post
                    aniay i know its just i love him and try to see why such a change in the past few months = / what should i tell him then? He said all good, but that he wants me to be special for him or else he just sees me like any other girl when i told him to accept my bad traits too. He said i need to change my way of asking much complicated and deep stuff, that he cant live with this brain in future. That he saw sometimes i dont trust him and if we would marry i would need "to change my brain". He thinks so much of future, yet he tells me we gotta see what happens when we meet
                    You tell him that you deserve better, because you do. Don't accept this seriously. It's a behavior that has to end. It's the very reason people accept living in abusive relationships. Just simply tell him "I'm tired of being treated like shit, we're through." He sounds like a first class jackass who thinks of himself too good for you. Don't degrade yourself, don't.

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                      #11
                      You deserve to be special for a person you are with.

                      you ARE special with your faults and brain and every singl inch of you.

                      I was in relationship where the guy wanted me to change because i was 'wrong'

                      Right now I'm loved for who I am with my bad habbits, quirks and other stuff.

                      You tell him you don't agree to such treatment, tell him it hurts you if he ignores that it means he has no respect and should be left imediately if YOU respect YOURSELF.

                      As a mother I really dread that my daughter will end up in a relationship with no respect from her boyfriend and I will have no say. As an ex wife I really know what a relationship shouldn't look like.

                      https://members.lovingfromadistance....-Relationships

                      Go, read it maybe it will open your eyes. I know it's hard to see reason when you are in love but please try, NO ONE should change because the other person wants it. YOU ARE YOUR OWN!
                      “We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”
                      ― Robert Fulghum, True Love

                      Met UK 3.08.2012-5.08.12 ->UK 1.12.12-3.12.12->PL 8.02.13-16.02.13->PL 1.06.13-9.06.13->UK 3.08.13-17.08.13->UK 26.10.2013-02.11.2013->PL 30.11.2013-08.12.2013->PL 22.03.2014-29.03.2014->UK 31.05.2014-07.06.2014->PL 06.09.2014-13.09.13->UK 20.12.2014-03.01.2015
                      Closed the distance >21.03.2015
                      sigpic

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Swederica View Post
                        Do you demand some perfect image of him? I sure didn't of my former SO and you shouldn't. Don't chase a dream, don't let desperation come over you. You're dangerously close to "He hits me but maybe if I do better he'll change". Nono, you owe him nothing and especially since he's acting like this before you met him for real, just please stand up for yourself. Everyone here cares for your safety and well-being and you're slowly digging yourself a hole you might not be able to climb up from if you continue.



                        You tell him that you deserve better, because you do. Don't accept this seriously. It's a behavior that has to end. It's the very reason people accept living in abusive relationships. Just simply tell him "I'm tired of being treated like shit, we're through." He sounds like a first class jackass who thinks of himself too good for you. Don't degrade yourself, don't.

                        No, I don't demann of him to change. I love him the way he is even though he has many flaws...in that department when he doesn't express his feelings to me, he refuses to send me pics/vids unless I really ask for them. It's like I saw other couples they send photos and videos back and forth. He whined when I didn't want to send him a provoking pic once when he was at work and then I did. But when I say he says "dont force me". A few days ago I got him to send me a pic in morning when I asked a few times and after I sent him one, I just wanted to see him and when we talked about this he told me he isn't this romantic man, that videos and photos don't mean anything to him and I tried to explain it to him, that in a relationship like this they do mean a lot; and they mean a lot to me, because I don't see him and can't be with him there. But he insists with his thing, Even though he says he cares about seeing me happy, yet he never randomly sends a pic and even last time when he did when he said okay I'll send you in a few minutes I said okay I'll wait, ill count down, in a joke. And he got back at me with don't force me.

                        And yesterday we didn't talk whole day because he had some stuff to take care of and he came home and we talked on whatsapp maybe 15 minutes now and I said could you send me a pic, like a goodnight kiss, from bed, because few secs earlier he said he missed me much and he wanted to see me and he said, no. I said please and he said, you can send me, but I will not. Okay I get it, he doesn't like it, but is this right?
                        He does occasionally take pics out on the beach for example when I asked him, but its so hard for him to do it and it makes me really sad. I don't know if I ask for too much, but I just wanna feel his presence. Besides I've sent so many photos and videos to him, all kinds, even bad ones and he sent me back like 20% of what I sent him. And if I whine he says I'm boring and I should stop. It makes me sad so much.

                        Right now I feel hurt again, because I asked him nicely and he just got back at me with "you can send, but I will not" ;(

                        If I tell him I deserve better he will say okay, go, leave. Find someone that treats you like that then. Because we've already been there and he just acts careless, but at the same time tells me he loves me. I really am so sad and I just wanna end it all because he behaves like that, but a part of me hurts so much at the thought of it. I don't know what do to anymore. I know it should be easy, because it's not nice what he does to me, but I got to a point where all my daily routines became adjusted with him and I feel like crap when I don't hear from him

                        Yeah, he has quite an ego and usually he wants to "be right" and if I say it's over I don't think it will do anything to him, he won't even fight to keep me and that is the part that hurts the most. Because so many times when we disagreed on small stuff lately he just said "you wanna finish"...I'ts me only holding on, he jut doesn't care anymore, because he thinks this is life and because he says ouur fights in the past that were since beginning like every 2 weeks because of all those differences, that they hurt him and that he's seen so much hurt in his life that he just doesn't care anymore. But I never hurt him like he hurt me. I've done everything he wanted usually, hell, I even was taking my phone to toilet to not reply him late, but it's like nothing means much to him (
                        Last edited by innocentbutterfly; July 12, 2013, 05:46 PM.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by aniay View Post
                          You deserve to be special for a person you are with.

                          you ARE special with your faults and brain and every singl inch of you.

                          I was in relationship where the guy wanted me to change because i was 'wrong'

                          Right now I'm loved for who I am with my bad habbits, quirks and other stuff.

                          You tell him you don't agree to such treatment, tell him it hurts you if he ignores that it means he has no respect and should be left imediately if YOU respect YOURSELF.

                          As a mother I really dread that my daughter will end up in a relationship with no respect from her boyfriend and I will have no say. As an ex wife I really know what a relationship shouldn't look like.

                          https://members.lovingfromadistance....-Relationships

                          Go, read it maybe it will open your eyes. I know it's hard to see reason when you are in love but please try, NO ONE should change because the other person wants it. YOU ARE YOUR OWN!
                          we already had this kind of discussion, he said I'm always bringing up "history" and that I never see anything he does, that I only see bad and forget when he does something for me. Like he said last time, if he's online for me and takes this extra time when he should sleep, this is enough for me to see his love...
                          and he says I always "cry" how he treats me and never see good.

                          I know I shouldn't change, but there are some things that change when you go into relatinship and both partners should compromise, right. And I was willing to do that, but only if he proved me worthy, but so far he is doing the opposite.

                          And when I said I don0t like how he treats me he says usually "its your problem, see it how you want, because you're always right, right? only you love me, only you want to meet me, only you everything, I'm not doing anything" and after that usually come that "you wanna finnish" and he just makes me feel bad

                          really I'm just broken because I'm seeing more and more how much is this breaking me emotionally and I see an end coming already for two weeks, I'm just not strong enough to finish it. Everytime I think I am, then someday's he's nice and I think, okay, I'll do it later...

                          It's really bad because I never before let myself get so attached, I was in a LDR before and 2 possible LDR's but when they stopped talking to me just out of the blue, I understood and somehow I picked myself up, but I got this hurt left, because with him at the beginning I didn't want to start another LDR, because of previous hurts, but he insisted we should try when he told me he thought he fell in love with me.

                          It turned out last week though, he told me at the beginning he just liked me for my eyes and face when he said "i thought I fell in love with you" and when he's shown me my photos on his cellphone on cam for the 1st time on my birthday and said he misses me every day, and he said he said that because he wanted me for himself and that later he fell in love and started to think about me that we should marry and all, but then he began meeting me and didn't like some stuff because he wants me special for him, he said, quoting, because we will marry and we will live in the same house that I would have to change my behaviour, that he will want to have some stuff how he wants, because otherwise other girls and me are the same for him...here's our conversation https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B8Du...it?usp=sharing I uploaded it so I can take it down (I hope this is safe?), because if he lurks somewhere so he doesn't see it because I know he'd never forgive me for asking on forums. I'm the one with the long nickname starting with a...

                          just read it and tell me what you think, because I'm lost here
                          Last edited by innocentbutterfly; July 12, 2013, 07:46 PM.

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                            #14
                            Originally posted by innocentbutterfly View Post
                            No, I don't demann of him to change. I love him the way he is even though he has many flaws.
                            there you go. Do you really need more convincing? Why try to keep something alive that he obviously don't want to put any effort into or cares about.

                            You know, him saying he loves you means not a damn thing if he isn't showing it. Saying it is easy, but showing and proving it are much more difficult. Don't do this to yourself any further!
                            Do I have to beg you? Because you need to stop this now before you hurt yourself more, because that's the only thing you're doing. You're chasing a dream, letting desperation control you. You know what must be done. Don't let your feelings cloud your judgement anymore.

                            You can hope for things to change, just as I can pick up a rock and hope that one day it'll turn to gold. Because we're doing the same futile thing then. You hoping that a heart of stone will become gold

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                              #15
                              Swederica thank you really for your words, I really consider all options right now... the more I think the more bad i feel...

                              did you read the doc? you can tell me what you think about it

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