Guys, I don't know what to do anymore, but I think you saw my previous threads about always having trouble with my LDR, well, not trouble, but saddness, fights, like he doesn't care enough etc...
theyre here https://members.lovingfromadistance....e-meet-!/page2
and here https://members.lovingfromadistance....-is-he-serious
and I don't know, now it's a month and less than a week until I would fly over for the first time, but in between we had so many fights, in April there was a really bad one when he said it's over that he doesn't love me anymore. Just so, over night. We had a fight and he said he needs 2 days and I left him alone, then I wrote him and he kept me waiting all week, he said he has to see the outcome of something. It turned out he wanted to do istihare, this thing when muslims ask guidance from dreams. However it didn't work for him, he kept me waiting saying his family will try. His sister did then and it was positive and somehow we made up after he still talked to parents and told them about our relationship. But that week when we just talked so he told me how this 'outcome' is going he was acting very very bad to me. I was devastated, I couldn't eat normally or sleep and cried so much every day, this whole week knowing that it all depends on dreams. I was shocked that he would put us on a 'dream game' like this. However, I then somehow accepted it. However when he came and I told him all that he kept saying he doesnt care, that he doesn't feel anything anymore, that I can kill myself that he doesn't want me that he's afraid if he lived with and married that he would kill himself because of my nerves and constant fights. I was so much hurt. He just didn't care if I ate or not, if I cried. He kept saying I don't care. Then I told him my life's story how I lost my father to suicide and how life was never easy for me dealing with depression after and with health problems while still keeping strong for my family and he answered me that he's selfish and that my story doesn't make him change his mind, he still doesn't care. I somehow convinced him to continue then when I told him if he really doesnt love me anymore why did he keep me waiting all week 'trying to fix it' and if that's so he should tell me that on camera and he excused it to language as in that I would make fun. And seriously he would tell me that he doesnot love me anymore and I would have time to make fun when I'd be falling apart? Somehow I saw he still feels love, just denies himself because its easier to give up for him. And then we continued, slowly he stopped being cold. Somehow he relaxed with sister's positive dream, but since then I feel it's never the same again. Like everytime I point something up and even if its just conversation he starts saying if I wanna fight again and finish it. It's like we are only still good when its about sex... other times he would always say I eat his nerves or answer serious...Now last 2 weeks he also doesn't use much of his time anymore to come online. When he works late sometimes he will just stay out with friends or with family ( he had sister come over from abroad recently with her kids and husband) and even if he has still could find time for me he goes to sleep like he's avoiding me or just wants to talk less to me. I'm falling apart here, I don't know what to think anymore. When I asked about his love he said I'm talking like and idiot and that if he's still talking to me it means he's still sure of his love. But when he writes me sms and in general, its just I love You's and I don't see meaning in them, like he writes empty, like its routine. Even when I asked him after a year to make a video for me, because we don't see each other on cam often he said he doesn't wanna do it because he looks like idiot talking to camera and making a video. He did it a year ago even if he never liked making them, but then he said okay I will try, but he didnt until now and its 2 days since he said it.
I asked him with what I deserved such bad treatment, he said sometimes I had mental problems, that I'm idiot. And he said that I hurt him so much before that he just doesn't care anymore. But I never hurt him as much as he hurt me and I Always had to ask of him to show me his love or else were just words. He even told me 2 weeks ago that he thought we can never be happy, because we got so different minds and culture and all and we can never agree. But sometimes we can if we work for it...
I really don't know guys, how can I know about his love if I feel its fading and he keeps saying its not true, but at the same time he acts like he doesn't care sometimes when we fight (when he mentions finishing)
I feel no joy anymore about seeing him or even going and he's saying be calm we will see if we will continue or not when you come, because he really wants to see if I'm any better in real (about my nerves)
But I don't wanna go for a test and come back even more broken than I would be now. I never before thought of visiting any guy, but I would go for him, my first flight and travel alone its already enough pressure for me and I just want a little support and happiness from him. When I ask him where's his excitement about me coming he says he just tries to stay calm, but thats taking my joy, its like I don't dare to let myself be excited about going because I don't know if when I come he'll like me or it'll finish. It hurts so much, but I really don't know what to do anymore, if I should go or not...
please help!
theyre here https://members.lovingfromadistance....e-meet-!/page2
and here https://members.lovingfromadistance....-is-he-serious
and I don't know, now it's a month and less than a week until I would fly over for the first time, but in between we had so many fights, in April there was a really bad one when he said it's over that he doesn't love me anymore. Just so, over night. We had a fight and he said he needs 2 days and I left him alone, then I wrote him and he kept me waiting all week, he said he has to see the outcome of something. It turned out he wanted to do istihare, this thing when muslims ask guidance from dreams. However it didn't work for him, he kept me waiting saying his family will try. His sister did then and it was positive and somehow we made up after he still talked to parents and told them about our relationship. But that week when we just talked so he told me how this 'outcome' is going he was acting very very bad to me. I was devastated, I couldn't eat normally or sleep and cried so much every day, this whole week knowing that it all depends on dreams. I was shocked that he would put us on a 'dream game' like this. However, I then somehow accepted it. However when he came and I told him all that he kept saying he doesnt care, that he doesn't feel anything anymore, that I can kill myself that he doesn't want me that he's afraid if he lived with and married that he would kill himself because of my nerves and constant fights. I was so much hurt. He just didn't care if I ate or not, if I cried. He kept saying I don't care. Then I told him my life's story how I lost my father to suicide and how life was never easy for me dealing with depression after and with health problems while still keeping strong for my family and he answered me that he's selfish and that my story doesn't make him change his mind, he still doesn't care. I somehow convinced him to continue then when I told him if he really doesnt love me anymore why did he keep me waiting all week 'trying to fix it' and if that's so he should tell me that on camera and he excused it to language as in that I would make fun. And seriously he would tell me that he doesnot love me anymore and I would have time to make fun when I'd be falling apart? Somehow I saw he still feels love, just denies himself because its easier to give up for him. And then we continued, slowly he stopped being cold. Somehow he relaxed with sister's positive dream, but since then I feel it's never the same again. Like everytime I point something up and even if its just conversation he starts saying if I wanna fight again and finish it. It's like we are only still good when its about sex... other times he would always say I eat his nerves or answer serious...Now last 2 weeks he also doesn't use much of his time anymore to come online. When he works late sometimes he will just stay out with friends or with family ( he had sister come over from abroad recently with her kids and husband) and even if he has still could find time for me he goes to sleep like he's avoiding me or just wants to talk less to me. I'm falling apart here, I don't know what to think anymore. When I asked about his love he said I'm talking like and idiot and that if he's still talking to me it means he's still sure of his love. But when he writes me sms and in general, its just I love You's and I don't see meaning in them, like he writes empty, like its routine. Even when I asked him after a year to make a video for me, because we don't see each other on cam often he said he doesn't wanna do it because he looks like idiot talking to camera and making a video. He did it a year ago even if he never liked making them, but then he said okay I will try, but he didnt until now and its 2 days since he said it.
I asked him with what I deserved such bad treatment, he said sometimes I had mental problems, that I'm idiot. And he said that I hurt him so much before that he just doesn't care anymore. But I never hurt him as much as he hurt me and I Always had to ask of him to show me his love or else were just words. He even told me 2 weeks ago that he thought we can never be happy, because we got so different minds and culture and all and we can never agree. But sometimes we can if we work for it...
I really don't know guys, how can I know about his love if I feel its fading and he keeps saying its not true, but at the same time he acts like he doesn't care sometimes when we fight (when he mentions finishing)
I feel no joy anymore about seeing him or even going and he's saying be calm we will see if we will continue or not when you come, because he really wants to see if I'm any better in real (about my nerves)
But I don't wanna go for a test and come back even more broken than I would be now. I never before thought of visiting any guy, but I would go for him, my first flight and travel alone its already enough pressure for me and I just want a little support and happiness from him. When I ask him where's his excitement about me coming he says he just tries to stay calm, but thats taking my joy, its like I don't dare to let myself be excited about going because I don't know if when I come he'll like me or it'll finish. It hurts so much, but I really don't know what to do anymore, if I should go or not...
please help!
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