What about your parents when you're possibly moving to another continent?

[Flo89]

Hey everyone!

I looked for a similar topic, but couldn't find it and it's one of my big issues. Back in the Netherlands I have a wonderful family and we've always been close. They think my boyfriend from the US is great and definitely worthwile, as long as he will move here. They don't say it in a forcing way, but I know we would all massively miss each other. Same with him and his parents (although because of college he sees then way less than me already. I come home every weekend and he comes home once every 2/3 months.)

Does anyone have the same? Or does anyone who has closed the distance got some advice on how to eventually cope with this? I know it sounds unfriendly, but if it were only my friends here I would go right away (I've travelled before and know real friendships can handle distance). But parents... We haven't sorted out who will take the one-way ticket to the other side of the ocean, and this is definitely a big thing for decision time.

We still have until the summer to decide (then I'll graduate and he'll have the chance to do grad school somewhere else), but I'm way too realistic and anticipating to not logically think about these things already...

Looking forward to your opinions and experiences!

Xx Flo

[aniay]

In my situation I already know I'm going to live in another country so I already started preparing my parents for that.

I will miss my family, and they will surely miss me but really you leave home to create your own... no matter on what continent, In my opinion, as long as one is independent from their parents it's for them to decide.

I know that I will visit them at least once a year after I move out and if anything happens to them I'll try to get them to UK to take care of them.

[OperaDiva]

When I was 19 I left my family to go to the other side of the world to do my undergrad. I am quite close to my immediate family and I have been back to live with them a few times since then. It is always hard, but I see it as a step to adulthood, to being independent and to living my own life. They love me and understand that. I think it shouldn't be a matter of calculation "who will miss their parents less", but more of a joint decision of where you want to start your life together

[snow]

It's going to be tough. That's all I know. I know living without my family around me is going to be different, but I very well know that it is for the best of this relationship to move here. I skyped with my mom the other day and it made me feel as if I was at home. I think as long as I have regular Skype sessions with people at home I will be fine aswell as them. My mom kept telling me how I am going to feel alone, because I have noone here, but I do have my man on whom I can count.

[lyonsgirl]

I think it shouldn't be a matter of calculation "who will miss their parents less", but more of a joint decision of where you want to start your life together

All of this.

[80anthea]

I think it shouldn't be a matter of calculation "who will miss their parents less", but more of a joint decision of where you want to start your life together

I agree with this, in reality my SO is closer to his Mom than I am my family but he will still move over here due to other factors. I do feel guilty about dragging him away from his Mom, but I know she's very supportive of it as it will make her son happy, we will keep in a savings account enough money for an emergency flight should he ever need to rush back and with the age of Skype etc it's not difficult to stay in touch.

[lucybelle]

I think it shouldn't be a matter of calculation "who will miss their parents less", but more of a joint decision of where you want to start your life together

Again- I'll also quote this. It's true in the USA people are more accustomed to being further away from family at a younger age, but that doesn't mean he'll miss his family any less. Whoever moves is going to be homesick, and that's just how it is. You need to decide where your best options are to start living together. For example, I moved to Costa Rica because we knew it would be easier for me to get residency and find a job. I haven't seen my family in a year, and I don't know when I'll see them again. I miss them and I miss my hometown like crazy. But I'd rather be anywhere in the world with my SO than in my hometown without him. If both of you can say that, then you're ready to close the distance. Otherwise, someone is going to hold some serious resentment to the other.

[LadyDaemon]

Again- I'll also quote this. It's true in the USA people are more accustomed to being further away from family at a younger age, but that doesn't mean he'll miss his family any less. Whoever moves is going to be homesick, and that's just how it is. You need to decide where your best options are to start living together. For example, I moved to Costa Rica because we knew it would be easier for me to get residency and find a job. I haven't seen my family in a year, and I don't know when I'll see them again. I miss them and I miss my hometown like crazy. But I'd rather be anywhere in the world with my SO than in my hometown without him. If both of you can say that, then you're ready to close the distance. Otherwise, someone is going to hold some serious resentment to the other.

All of this. I live in the US and luckily my SO is in the US too. But even with us being in the same country,we were 1400 miles apart. And since I'm so close to my mom,leaving her was hard on me. But like LB said,I would rather be anywhere with my SO living our lives together then be somewhere else,even home,without him.

[Flo89]

All so true... It feels good to read it! I just also remembered what a friends mom said to me some time ago: Yes, sure you can stay here with your parents instead of finding happiness somewhere with him. But in 20 years when your parents are 80 and you've regretted not choosing for your love all that time, do you think that'll make them happy?

Of course, initiative also has to come from him. In December I'll meet his family (and get approved hopefully haha), which I think will be a very important moment for him. But he is already calmly looking at grad schools here, so I'm confident that we'll find a way eventually!

[Schlafmütze]

I agree with this.

You need to decide where your best options are to start living together. (...) But I'd rather be anywhere in the world with my SO than in my hometown without him

When my SO and I were talking about closing the distance, we discussed many things, possibilities and scenarios. We decided it was better for us if I move to Germany. At the same time, he left clear he wouldn't have an issue moving to Colombia if needed. That, for me was something very important to hear. To me it meant he was willing to give up as much as I was going to and that we were together in this.

I have lived abroad for long periods of time before and never experienced what I did before closing the distance. I was feeling very sad to leave my mom alone, really alone because my parents are divorced. I cried many times in my room and I pictured the worst things in my mind. Which was ridiculous of me because my mom is a very strong, independent woman, she has many friends and relatives that adore her, she was going to be alright. It really was silly of me to imagine such things.
It helped me feel better when I opened up to her. In that conversation she told me she supported my SO's and I idea of living in Germany even if that meant I had to move away from her. All she wants is my happiness, seeing me success and building my own family. She said there is Skype and many other ways to stay in touch and if in the future we get married and stay in Germany, it will be a reason for her to travel more and keep seeing the world.

We do Skype twice a week and send emails in case we can't make it or so. It's always a great time when we talk.
Don't worry too much, your parents will be alright. Yes, you will miss them, they will miss you, but both will find ways to cope naturally.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I don't think anyone else brought up the other logistics, so I will.

Yeah, family is very important.. but which location works best for other factors that are important in your lives, too? Job prospects in your fields? Cost of living? Quality of life? Spousal visa regulations? etc.


M and I have talked around living situations a bit.. as in, we discussed what we're open to, and it's been with an undertone of us moving together, though we haven't really gotten into specifics. He's very close to his family, and I'm very close to mine, so whatever we do, we're hoping to be near *someone's* family.. but there are lots of factors beyond just that.
I'm not opposed to living in New Zealand, which is I think what he wanted to know. The more likely option is that he would come here, because job prospects are much, much higher for him in the United States. If they weren't, or if he gets a job in NZ despite the odds, we'd have to revisit and rethink. There are loads of benefits to him moving here, and there are loads of benefits to me moving there. There's a lot to weigh out.

Ultimately, you'll both need to decide what fits for your lifestyles. And hey, just because one of you moves somewhere first doesn't mean you can't ever live in the other person's country.

[Flo89]

True. I actually study Dutch law, with not that much international courses. So logically I would find a job within my field here. Still, I'm not sure (aside from the whole long distance relationship) if I want to be for example a lawyer. Although I like working with law, I'm half-sure that the lawyer-life won't make me happy. So theoratically I could apply for jobs who ask people with an acadamic degree. So on my side, I have no idea what kind of job I'd want yet.
He studies philosophy and will next year choose a grad school, and is interested in political philosophy specifically. There are places in the Netherlands that offer jobs in philosophy, but he's not sure they also have something specific in politics.
About visa's etc, if he does his grad school here it'll be easy to come here. If he afterwards would get a job, even if we wouldn't marry straightaway, that'll also not be a big problem. The Netherlands is very open to foreign higher educated employees here luckily
If I would go there... Not exactly sure yet actually! I have looked it up a few times, but it is a little bit more messy (except with marriage I think).. Something to look at as well, thanks!
Oh yeah and lifestyle, I'll have to see for myself in December. When we were together in the UK it suited me perfectly, and when I travelled for some time in Australia that was also nice. Hard to say beforehand I think..

[silvermoonfairy3]

It sounds like there's a lot of flexibility for both of your future plans, so that's great. I'm sure you'll be able to weigh things out together and figure out the best plan. Good luck!

(I visited the Netherlands for the first time last autumn.. loved it. Mostly I spent time in Amsterdam, so I'm sure a bit different than other parts of the country, but I did go to a festival in Venlo, and on a tour that had stops in Marken and Volendam. So lovely.)

[Lucky]

I don't think anyone else brought up the other logistics, so I will.
Yeah, family is very important.. but which location works best for other factors that are important in your lives, too? Job prospects in your fields? Cost of living? Quality of life? Spousal visa regulations? etc..............................................U ltimately, you'll both need to decide what fits for your lifestyles. And hey, just because one of you moves somewhere first doesn't mean you can't ever live in the other person's country.

OMG this!! so many people don't consider such important factors, family will understand, you can plan your retirement in the other country or visit every other year, is not like you have to pay an arm and a leg on phone bills to stay in contact anymore thanks to internet, long video chats whenever you need at your disposal... not the same, but not as bad as people had it in the old days.

[Hollandia]

I am in the opposite of your shoes. I fly over there and live there with him every 90 days in the NL. He is very tight with his family over there. We eat dinner with his parents about 2-3 days a week when I am there and he eats it with them about 4-5 when I am not. Him and his brother make a point to hang out once a week and he has a full nice circle of friends. I have my mom that lives with my one brother in the same state over here and I have my big brother in California. I also have a teenage daughter that lives half her time with me and and half with her dad. Most of my friends I only take too every few months. The SO is in school and has a contract that is running out soon with his employer. I have a business that requires me to be here (USA) several times a year.

We have planned that I would move there and I would make the trips as needed for work and my daughter would come and visit as well. We hope to be able to make trips together to visit my family and friends as well. We are not saying that we will always live in NL, we could end up anywhere. His family would miss him but they would be fine with it. We have lately been speaking about him moving here first instead. For us, it will depend on where we can both make a living at and are legally allowed to live. The rest I think can be worked around.