So he broke up with me... </3

[innocentbutterfly]

Well actually it's quite hard to find these days, so I quit looking, my healing process is taking too long and today actually I cried when I didn't in 2 weeks before. Like pouring salt on old open wound all over again. I don't know in what sick reality my heart still doesn't hate him. I just can't believe myself. I'm too shaken.

[Hollandia]

Well actually it's quite hard to find these days, so I quit looking, my healing process is taking too long and today actually I cried when I didn't in 2 weeks before. Like pouring salt on old open wound all over again. I don't know in what sick reality my heart still doesn't hate him. I just can't believe myself. I'm too shaken.

Take your time to mourn and live your life for you. When the time is right and when the place is right, you will find that you want to start dating again, no rule that says how long it takes. It takes however long it takes.

[princessmaria]

Well actually it's quite hard to find these days, so I quit looking, my healing process is taking too long and today actually I cried when I didn't in 2 weeks before. Like pouring salt on old open wound all over again. I don't know in what sick reality my heart still doesn't hate him. I just can't believe myself. I'm too shaken.

I doubt that you'll ever hate him. The healing process is not about falling out of love or hating that person, it's about accepting what was and what no longer is. You have to come to a place of peace within yourself regarding the entire situation. Stop looking for answers. It is what it is, you have to move forward now. It won't happen fast, but eventually you will get there. Some of the best things you can do for yourself right now are cutting off all contact with him, let yourself cry buckets if you have to, and keep yourself busy. I would say "good luck" but I don't think luck is needed here. You'll overcome this and you'll be much happier.

[innocentbutterfly]

thank you guys. actually your words help a lot. well he kept me on his whatsapp and I'm guessing he wants to keep talking because he said that, but I won't give him the fun to bring me down anymore. He can talk to himself. What a piece of rubbish of a man would want to keep knowing an ex woman's sex life and saying he will envy them if they do it better than he did.

selfish to the point that he said only sex was really good with me, different than with anyone before. aying he's not emotional, he doesnt want me back, but sex was really something different and that was a best part of being with me. I dont know if I should feel pathetic or what for that

[differentcountries]

Regardless, talking about sex with your ex is always a bad move. At least your ex said your sex life was good... I hate to be cruel, but the fact that he can be this insensitive will probably speed things up for you. Still sorry to hear of his double standards, or taking the piss out on you instead of his cheating ex or whatever that was.please you say you are no longer in contact with him, still you buy him gifts, text and call. This is only giving both him and you the wrong message.

[innocentbutterfly]

I am not sending him gifts anymore and I will not ever again. If I knew about cyber sex on cam 2 weeks after leaving me I'd never send him a gift hoping he actually did miss me an ounce of a feeling too. Or thought of me, or wanted to be together again.

and thank your everyone for your words of support. I realized how he was, but I'll need a lot of time to accept the fact that even after talking to him for the last chance he refused. He didn't say his love was gone. He refused, because of his moral (blaming me for nude pics with my online ex from the past while he got my virginity and saw my body as 1st man in reality), when he did cyber sex so many times he forgot to count, before he started with me, also had real sex(obviously) and then had cyber again after breaking up with me. OBVIOUSLY i NEVER KNEW ABOUT CYBER SEX. If I would he would go to my black list like all those idiots that do that with strangers. Irony? He said if he knew I exchanged nude pics (when I did this with only guy- ex - 3 photos) that he would never start with me, because he would never accept that somebody saw my body before him. Yes he said virtual or real it was same to him as if I would be having sex before. And even more ironic? He said he would forgive to a girl if she wasnt a virgin, because there could be various reasons why she had sex and if she only had it one time -(like there is ever really one time) and that ironically is less of a sin than my photos, like SERIOUSLY?

What kind of moral is that that I wasn't worth forgiving and he gets a pass because women and men arent equal to him? I felt so much worth less for that. I'm still trying to get to terms with it that there wasn't something wrong with me and with what I did, because he did so much worse (and I can't change my past, but I should never talk my past intimate life with him thinking our love was stronger and I could tell him everything without consequences - my trust meant **** there). He's a sinner compared to me and he dared to judge me and burn our love for it. But all good I said goodbye today, I said he can hang and write sometimes just to kind of help me by feeling he is still around in some way until I heal. Of course I doubt he will contact, he never does, he was always heavy chatty only when he wanted sex chat, so yeah...even said we can have it again, occassionally, but he doesn't want me back. SERIOUSLY. like I'm some kind of toy for him.

He even dared to give me brain on how I should search a new man saying not to start another LDR, because it will only hurt me and not to be a 'show girl' on cam, because if the guy really loves me he won't need my body for it and that I know I can make him crazy with my words, because that worked on him. Like SERIOUSLY? HE wanted all that and he lectures me what to be careful of in the future?
I told him to STFU and not try to fix me, he can't fix me. Only his love was able to and now I have to take care of myself and despite everything I wish him luck and that even if he contacts, I'll break contact as soon as I'm better and he's in new relationship, because I just couldn't handle it. He doesn't believe in friendship after breakup anyway and well me...I couldn't do it even if I wanted. He kind of does it to make me feel better I guess, but he can't really.

And he is totally unstable. At 26 still living with parents, when in the past we had a conversation if he would move that we could be meeting or if we ever had a life together he said he would never leave parents house excusing rents are expensive. He said if you would buy apartment then we could. And not only that, he doesn't have a plan for future. He enjoys cyber sex, when I said why he did it 2 weeks after leaving me and not go out instead with a real girl and screw her. He said if he finds a right woman he will, but for now it's okay, he has no plan. He can go online and find new for cyber when he wants again. Marriage for him seems prison, he says he wants to be free, have freedom for now, for a few years. At 26 no goal in life, working at the job he began working in since he graduated, so totally immature and I thought I could actually make this immature guy serious enough to have a life with him. How pathetic. Not to mention his ego and selfishness, he doesn't really love anyone, he loves himself the most. Once he even told me a week before leaving me that sometimes he thinks 'why I'm with her, why I waste her time, I don't really want to be with anyone' and not to mention he replied to his friends when I was there with I love you baby and kisses, male friends. Saying that's how they communicate and sometimes his one best friend sleeps over. I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't doubt if he was a BI or gay too and he doesnt actually know it, no idea what would a friend do with him for 6 hours (once he said wait and wrote me 6 hours late saying now he went to sleep and I was up angry waiting him all night, careless or something else, go figure and I did meet those all of his friends too). What a fool I was.

[emsimes]

I've been following this thread for awhile, but haven't replied.
I just wanted to say that you deserve so much better than this asshole, and I'm sure that one day you will find a real man who will love you and treat you with respect. You deserve it!

[innocentbutterfly]

thank you. I wish I knew that before. Though you know, he was my 1st I don't even know what to do with all those memories, throw them in the back of my mind and forget, pretend I did forget, or just kind of remember them accepting it's over. It's so crazy like I'm thinking our beginnings, how it was all perfect one day and then it turned out into something something so bad.

Even his gifts, I have a giant life size toy that he gave me, I kinda like it, I don't want to send his stuff back to him, even he said not to as it's not nice since it was a gift, but it's a reminder. And its there in a living room, like people when they visit ask and I don't even know what to say. It's I don't like to be reminded, but I don't want to explain it and feel hurt too. Also I still got his underwear, that I'm planning to give back as I can't have it. And a few other clothing gifts, but those with time I think I could bear.

If not something else I got a closure I wanted, though in a very hard and harsh way, but at least I'm not left thinking what if's and why's. Though I have yet to force myself to stop checking up on him, on his facebook having still my brother as friend, though now that my brother knows all he said he will delete him. But I still got him in whatsapp, there I told him sometimes he can write as friend and to make me feel better as he said he cares about that. He became so bitterly kind talking about how I should be happy with someone else it hurts to hear him say those words, but he's honest, but it makes me feel sad, because in a way the way I saw it before and now, he was always saying he's not good and I don't know what is it that I feel, pity, or something, but in a way it makes me feel sad seeing he doesnt put himself to worth or he wouldn't be doing cam cyber sex and showing his body too. I know I'm too kind of a soul even when I should be hating him right now, but I just can't. I'm in some weird saddness/anger/accceptance/pity stage.

[differentcountries]

Keep the gifts, they are rightfully yours. Throw his underwear if he does not ask to have it sent. Drop the contact. You are still trying to find out why a confused man is acting confusing - if you want peace of mind you cannot go to him for answers. You are not kind, you are in love. The kind thing here is to back off. Grieve what happened and the loss of the future you pictured with him. People tend to behave strange in break ups. I think that is what is making him rude and you clingy. Separate yourself from your source of pain. Life can be so much better.

[LadyDaemon]

Keep the gifts, they are rightfully yours. Throw his underwear if he does not ask to have it sent. Drop the contact. You are still trying to find out why a confused man is acting confusing - if you want peace of mind you cannot go to him for answers. You are not kind, you are in love. The kind thing here is to back off. Grieve what happened and the loss of the future you pictured with him. People tend to behave strange in break ups. I think that is what is making him rude and you clingy. Separate yourself from your source of pain. Life can be so much better.

This. The longer you continue to check up on him,contact him/let him contact you etc.,the more damage you're doing to yourself. It's seriously not worth it. You need to cut contact and focus solely on you. You need to come to terms with the fact that essentially it is what it is and move on about your life. I understand you loved him and thought that he was this great guy who loved you and everything,but as you can clearly see that's not the case. Dwelling on it and keeping yourself attached to him by way of letting him talk to you and checking up on him is only going to make it worse. Essentially you're doing those things getting hurt,running off and licking the wound for a minute and then running back for more. It's senseless. Separate yourself from it.

[innocentbutterfly]

thank you guys both. yeah I probably will keep, but that big toy is sometimes just making it hard for me. I'm just ignoring it now. And he wrote back to my brother thanking for birthday message he sent him. I got that flash of that feeling in my stomach, that crap when you're in love when brother told me he wrote him back. I hate it that I still managed to get that feeling. I told my bother to delete him, but he said whatever I dont care if he's on my list or not, it's not like we are talking anyway. He knows he's an asshole too. He never asked for underwear back, but I'll send it soon I think or just throw it away.

Yeah I think it's making me angry like tonight when I saw the time he was online, I clearly knew what he was doing, pc, internet probably doing another cam sex 'out of boredom' as he puts it. Just thinking it made me angry, but I think low of him, so it's not damaging me. And I'm doing other stuff, talking to friends, watching movies and tv shows with brothers. It's getting better. To the point where I'll finally accept it and let go. I am just hoping that I stop seeing him in my dreams. They haunt me. They stopped for awhile while I didnt talk to him a month after breaking up, but now they returned and also all that overthinking sometimes and I get too anxious and get those hot flashes and this feeling of emptiness in my chest/lump in throat feeling that destroys my whole routine, even appetite, though I am able to manage that better now.

[differentcountries]

thank you guys both. yeah I probably will keep, but that big toy is sometimes just making it hard for me. I'm just ignoring it now. And he wrote back to my brother thanking for birthday message he sent him. I got that flash of that feeling in my stomach, that crap when you're in love when brother told me he wrote him back. I hate it that I still managed to get that feeling. I told my bother to delete him, but he said whatever I dont care if he's on my list or not, it's not like we are talking anyway. He knows he's an asshole too. He never asked for underwear back, but I'll send it soon I think or just throw it away.

Yeah I think it's making me angry like tonight when I saw the time he was online, I clearly knew what he was doing, pc, internet probably doing another cam sex 'out of boredom' as he puts it. Just thinking it made me angry, but I think low of him, so it's not damaging me. And I'm doing other stuff, talking to friends, watching movies and tv shows with brothers. It's getting better. To the point where I'll finally accept it and let go. I am just hoping that I stop seeing him in my dreams. They haunt me. They stopped for awhile while I didnt talk to him a month after breaking up, but now they returned and also all that overthinking sometimes and I get too anxious and get those hot flashes and this feeling of emptiness in my chest/lump in throat feeling that destroys my whole routine, even appetite, though I am able to manage that better now.

The big toy you can give away to charity or similar. I know something of frustrating break ups. Remember that what he says is not neccesarily the truth of what he is thinking, he may very well lie to you or be confused about his opinions. Anyway, nothing of it reflects on you. I used to have flashes of shame mixed with anger (which it sounds as you are discribing) after my last break ups. People are not always nice. I have had my share of strange and insulting stuff. Remember that in the end of the day,it is just nonsense spoken by a person that no longer has your priority. You know you have done nothing wrong.

[innocentbutterfly]

thank you yes, I'm trying to get to terms with that that actually nothing was my fault. I mean if he wanted nothing would break the love right. Though it's actually quite pathetic, because when I asked him last day saying goodbye a few times why he never said I don't love you, he ignored that and even for a second when I was saying to him if he did so much bad that it would be fair he would forgive me, maybe try a last chance and for a second there he was hesitating, saying he doesnt want to talk past and feelings, then said no I am sure I cant forget even in 10 years and I asked 100% he said no it doesn't matter 5% or 100% I just don't want. So you are right when you said he himself even is confused. That saying he still cared how my life would be defies his own thinking of how it's all over feeling wise.

But I dont care anymore, I tried. And yes I only hope my healing process speeds up now after everything. I just want to feel normal again without having him on my mind every day and beating myself up for everything how and why and reminisce the good times.

[bribri2729]

I know exactly what you are are going through. I was in a long distance relationship for over a year and my so broke up with me for similar reasons. It's been two weeks and I'm still trying to get over it. The only advice I have for you is try to keep yourself busy as much as possible.

[Karringtyn]

Time does heal. Keep yourself as busy as you can! This is for the best, you will see!