Is this the end of my LDR? Please anyone..help..

[seras]

You are right.. I am sorry, I guess I was just blowing off steam in here after talking to her and her telling me impossible..some part of me wants someone to tell me there is a way..Thank you all so much for replying..

[GuineaPunk]

I also agree with many of the points made above, but I just wanted to add something else.

From reading your above posts, it reads to me as though you have only gone down the medical-school route because she wants to be a doctor. While I wouldn't normally discourage people from going into medicine (I am still working on it myself), please do not put yourself through the stress of medical school if your heart isn't entirely in it. Particularly as you aren't in strongest state emotionally at the moment. You made mention of "Playing in medical school, playing the hospital, exploring the world." Medicine isn't a game to play, and it certainly isn't something that you should do if your heart isn't in it for the right reasons.

Sounds to me that you need to take some time yourself to work out what you want in your life. While saying you need no future, only her, sounds all romantic. Ultimately the only person we ever meet in our lives who we will spend 100% of our time with is ourselves. So you owe it to yourself to find a path that suits you!

[merlinkitty]

You are right.. I am sorry, I guess I was just blowing off steam in here after talking to her and her telling me impossible..some part of me wants someone to tell me there is a way..Thank you all so much for replying..

No need to apologize for venting. I totally get it and I think we all understand. But I think that GuineaPunk is right, as well

Sounds to me that you need to take some time yourself to work out what you want in your life. While saying you need no future, only her, sounds all romantic. Ultimately the only person we ever meet in our lives who we will spend 100% of our time with is ourselves. So you owe it to yourself to find a path that suits you!

[seras]

Oh...I always had an interest in medicine and a pure A grade in sciences but I don't plan to study for another 6 years. And it would really be playing, because I am with her! I will enjoy myself no matter how hard and demanding the work is. Plus she has experience in medical school, I just need to make things easier for her and help her. I normally can already study the entire freely already. She calls it chinese OCD haha I love her so much..

And Playing means having fun, Life is always going to be fun with the one you love, does not matter how hard or grinding it is, I will sing and dance with whatever energy I have left to make her laugh. And I am practicing cooking now to make it easier on myself in future. Even while studying for the sciences, I write up all the notes and read them to her, summarize over and over again to make them easier and we practice with each other, having fun seeing who gets the higher score

So no..I am probably going to get a depressing job with my degree and take the CFA and CPA...I hope cortisol libido studies would change her perspective..I can see her reading stuck at emails..

[Malaga]

You sound like you're 16, not 28 with that kind of attitude. How do you expect to be taken seriously? At nearly 30 you suddenly want to become a doctor because she wants to be a doctor? You chemically castrated yourself because she wanted you to stop masturbating? Christ.

She sounds like a complete control freak and a nasty person (she hopes you bleed in pain - talking about emotional manipulation), and the reasons that sounds the way it sounds is because it is the way it is. And you sound really dependent on her. I suggest you read up on codependent relationships, it should ring quite a few bells.

In the end, the very best thing for you would be to let her go. But continue going to therapy because if you don't come to terms with your self-esteem problems, this will just keep repeating itself.
Also, I'm sorry to hear you were sexually abused that time a girl forced herself on you. I think it might be good to focus on that at therapy, because it might be where a lot of your conflicting feelings come from. Good luck!

[seras]

Because life is incredibly boring, has always been boring from the day I was born. I had no interest in relationships before her, only accepted persistent dates to be respectful and let them down slowly, didn't touch them at all because I knew I don't have attraction and I won't be committed, was brought up to be as respectful as possible, had no interest in raising children. Working for family, sports,games, everything was boring. Qualifications, degree, everything..its just study and pass, work and get money, traveling seeing the world was boring...

But the moment she came, she made everything boring fun, I want to experience everything with her, she made me glad I never followed my family members who goes on vacations frequently every year since young. Being able to challenge the limits of my intellect with her, face challenges, messing up, being free, studying which was easy and boring became fun, because I was doing something for her, reading for her.

Acted like a fool, singing and dancing because it made her laugh, made me so incredibly happy. Walked around korea going to every single clothes and make up shop, shopping together with her on the phone gave me the happiest vacation I ever had in my life, if not for her stopping me by saying travel together, I wanted to travel all around with her on the phone- yes I was so happy I became illogical. Going to every clothes and shoe shop I see to take pictures or show her on skype what is nice made me incredibly happy.

Being able to challenge myself my whole life with her, studying, reading for her in medical school, cooking her fav dishes when I can, letting the maid handle everything else. To work with her in hospitals, to become an anesthesiologist supporting her as a surgeon to plastic surgeon, this is someone that I know I can enjoy myself with my entire life, and when she opens a practice I can use all my business, account and law knowledge to help her so its not a complete waste. Plus we like games too. Sharing an immense number of passions and interest, research topics, food and curiosities.

All this on a person I have never met. Too much I agree, but school was suppose to be when we meet, and my whole family knows about her too. We spoke about all these as friends.

The world without her is dull and boring, she is the first and only person I have ever wanted to be intimate with. And I hurt her by lying because I couldn't stand that she would be hurt or leave. Like I said, I don't even know what to do now. I was taking CFA before I met her, stopped because I decided to be with her in school. I hate myself for screwing up on the only person I have ever desired, to screw up on a life that I want.

She concluded that pornography addiction drove all my actions with her, thus our relationship is all invalid and an illusion no matter how happy. Which is.....not very logical to me, maybe she is right? I am researching it now even, or its because she is very hurt and devastated too. sigh..I hope she listens to me and speaks to her mother about her conclusion who is a doctor too.

Sigh..I don't even drink gamble or smoke, sleep around, don't even fit the model of addictive behavior.

I wish I tried harder and was better. I wish I didn't lie. sigh.. this is just making me cry again..

We have the same ANNIVERSARY! Malaga

just adding on...I am not co-dependent..she has absolute freedom, never demanded for her time, we were both working towards the same goals much in love. I am generally really comfortable and confident about myself, I have no expectations of her except to not cheat, and I believe I can make her happy.

I am very comfortable alone. Since it gives me time to plan or look for conversational topics or cute and nice things, do my own stuff. We want to be each other's priority. And I scored higher then her in the exams and she seems to be fine with it, so I don't think she has narcissistic issues. Don't really have other evidence.

We try to do as much together.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If nothing in life interests you, it's possible you have some type of chemical imbalance/depression, which can often be managed better with professional help. I believe you mentioned being in therapy.. I would bring that stuff up with the counselor as well.

But I do think you need to stop contacting your ex.. your clinginess could quickly escalate into stalkerish obsession, and I'm sure you don't want that.

[JaneEmily]

If nothing in life interests you, it's possible you have some type of chemical imbalance/depression, which can often be managed better with professional help. I believe you mentioned being in therapy.. I would bring that stuff up with the counselor as well.

But I do think you need to stop contacting your ex.. your clinginess could quickly escalate into stalkerish obsession, and I'm sure you don't want that.

Agreed here.

I get that Seras loves a woman so unconditionally, but the things he's doing are seemingly obsessive and highly unhealthy. The more he keeps poking the fire with a stick, the more that fire will become even harder to cope with. He really NEEDS to let things cool down with her. If he wants her to talk, the last thing she wants is to be harassed non-stop to talk. She needs space, and I think Seras needs to eventually come to terms with that the relationship is probably beyond repair. If you've repeatedly hurt her trust then I can imagine why she no longer wants the relationship. Yes, it's heartbreaking - but you'll only cause more pain to yourself and torture your heart by holding onto someone who no longer wants to be with you. You need to go to your therapist regularly, and get these feelings spoken about so they don't develop to the point you are a stalker and to the point she'll be scared of her safety online.

Not to mention like others said, that it seemed that she had you on a leash. You need some space for yourself. Re-connect with your own interests, with yourself first. Hang out with friends, go to dinners with family - even the cinema as a family. The only way you'll get through this is by giving her the space she needs to get on with her life, giving the space you need to get on with yours and always being in contact with your therapist among family and friends.

[seras]

This is what I don't get...she wants me to email her, she actually said she will leave her email and facebook open and when the second psychologist said don't contact her, she said that was stupid, don't listen to her..well she is not replying me now. And when I asked will you reply, she answered do you need something definitive. I kept quiet.

I begun by asking for peace, and she was mad when I called her phone, she was angry asking if i wanted release to go back to porn, and I answered no, I called to tell you that I will wait, stay single( to make sure she knows as she could barely take the fact that I had a relationship where a girl forced it, its true that my stupid pride let it happen and I hated it, but as she said, I let it happen.), well its good that she actually stopped talking for a second when I said that. maybe something might happen.

I can work more to get more funds for medical school anyway, extra funds are always useful. But she was so angry, kept saying that I am not quitting seriously, that I am sick and afflicted, porn use has affected my personality. I stopped for 32 days already, reading everyday and making every effort. Sigh..I don't know what she wants.. She has a smoking addiction too. pretty sure stopping for good and having tons of coping mechanism is key. And I have the strongest SSRIs(type of chemical castration) to decrease libido as an emergency measure.

She got angry again, in a previous conversation where I told her medical school has another admission on october, so I will take a high paying job with my family or else where(I first worked at home for family at the start because she didn't want me out, but that took hours out of our time, I self regulated my working hours, so it was between 5-8 hours, so I went further to get a low end job where we can speak all the time and that I am alone)mean while and she was saying I would take the first female that comes on to me...dammit..that was why I told her if it gives her a peace of mind I would undergo chemical castration to ensure nothing will happen. That conversation didn't have an end. I just kept apologizing for wasting her time but telling her that I learned everything needed to make it work. Which I have been doing everyday.

She has never said don't contact her, I think she wants me to stumble upon something and she might forgive me, when the second psychologist said the no contact rule, she said that was stupid don't listen to her..but now she is ignoring me... I cannot work a normal paying job, at least I have choices, I believe she might be spiteful and just leave if she even slightly suspects that I am with someone else(Things are really fragile at the moment), she didn't answer when I said I would set up webcams and have my phone constantly streaming so that she will believe me.

I believe she wants me to do something, or she just does not trust anything I say. sigh.. And I am worried that she is vulnerable now to other men's advances. I will go to SLAA again so that she feels better. She thinks I am running from the addiction somehow. Even when there are cameras constantly monitoring all my movements in my room and house for her, and accountability software on my pc and phone. I have a gym in my room so I can keep working out. She refuses to tell me exactly what, just kept saying seek help because the addiction is driving all my actions. I am literally accountable on video for the entire day, for the past 32 days. I am in pain everyday missing her, but I am committed to her.

And its not that nothing interests me...its rather that life has been easy..i have never studied hard or tried hard to get anything was a mostly A student. I just do what I can and be happy and apparently that was enough for lots, I never liked clubbing, even when I was forced there many times, don't smoke, no alcohol, don't even drink coffee, and I keep fit, probably thats why never had difficulty working or socializing and I have energy. But I want to be committed to her, to do my absolute best, see what is my maximum capability because she makes me happy.

[emsimes]

I just have to say that your posts are really worrying :/
You've said that you self-regulated your working hours to talk to her more often, have cameras in your house so she can watch your every move, and even chemically castrated yourself?! I'm sorry hon, but all of this is beyond wrong :/
I doubt that anything you do will be good enough for her. I agree with the above posters that you should continue to seek counseling. I think this relationship is far beyond unhealthy, and nothing good will come of it.
You need to take care of YOURSELF before anything else.
Good luck to you and take care!

[seras]

Thank you for your kind advice but I can't emsimes.. I was the one that betrayed her trust and hurt her, this is probably what I need to go through to get her forgiveness.


EDIT

She didn't cut off contact, so as long as she is still here I have a chance. She is badly hurt, devastated, I am just not sure about what exactly.

I know she feels that pornography corrupted all our intimate moments, not true..I was mostly stressed because I was lying that I stopped porn, I tried to but couldn't stop completely and I could feel the noose around my neck tightening each time.

She believes there is something wrong with me, why she refuses to say. She gets extremely angry when I don't want intimate moments some times, tired,stressed. Because I didn't turn her down well probably. She blames it on porn now.

I will keep investigating this, I think she refuses to see that I was under alot of stress and fear then because I didn't want to lie or lose her and thinks that refusing her was because of porn,

[Unconditional]

This relationship is NOT healthy! There's so many things wrong that I cannot even comprehend how you put up with her making you feel like crap everyday. She is extremely controlling and that is really unhealthy =(
My advice is probably not what you want to hear, but I think it might be what you need to hear. Please, get out of this relationship ASAP.
I highly doubt anything will ever change with her.
Just keep bettering yourself for your sake, not for her sake. She is controlling you, and I know you love her, but what she is making you go through is wrong. Very wrong.
You may have betrayed her trust, but if she truly loved you, she would not treat you like this. If she lived you she would either give you a second chance, or break it off. Not leave you in limbo

[seras]

Thank you so much, she might make that choice for me anyway. I will dedicate this month to working out like crazy and figuring things out, I was always slim but I want abs. We built a future together, had our whole lives planned out, just had to take the first step and the rest will fall into place. The admissions are this month anyway, and yes I agree limbo is screwed up and painful.

But at least I know she wants something after speaking to her. She might not want to let this go too, but it too angry to tell me exactly what she wants.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Dude...stop.
This is so beyond unhealthy it's scary. Listen to your therapists.

[rhabdoviridae]

She's being manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive toward you. Stop trying to contact her, busy yourself with something that has nothing to do with her, let go and move on.