Is this the end of my LDR? Please anyone..help..

[differentcountries]

She asked too much from you already. Love is to be found in better versions than than this.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

This is sick!! Not so much you...in moderation, watching porn/erotica and masturbation is normal. But it sounds like she was raised in a very strict religious family that believes sex in any form outside of marriage is a sin (thank goodness I got away from that , soon after I met my SO online), worthy of punishment. So she treats you like a sinner, judging you as unworthy. And, since you betrayed HER principles, not yours, and then added another "sin" by lying about it, she will never forgive you. The way she is treating you is ABUSE, plain and simple. She is a control freak, wanting to micromanage your life in every way, probably just waiting for you to slip up. For your own sanity, you should RUN as fast as you can, AWAY from her. STOP torturing yourself.

You are in therapy now, and that is good, to sort out your own issues. But SHE needs professional help too, but I'd be surprised if she ever does. She obviously has too much pride to do that, and is probably blind to her own faults anyway.

Live your life for YOU, as YOU want to live. Study what you want to, work at a career YOU enjoy, enjoy your hobbies and interests for YOU, not because you think it will make her happy. Play a happy fulfilling life for YOU, not with the idea that if you keep changing, she will finally want to be with you. IF she can't accept and love you as you are, then she doesn't really love you. YOU deserve so much better than this.

BE YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF. In time, someone else will come along, and ACCEPT and LOVE YOU, AS YOU.

[seras]

I do love myself, and I am very comfortable with myself, Looks, status, qualifications everything is good for me.

She makes life fun for me. Enjoyable. Plus I have never loved anyone else before.

I just hate it so much, she must have read the SLAA book and forced me into the mold of a full on addict with no self control, whose actions and decisions are completely controlled by their addiction. The most extreme view! And she is a smoker herself who failed to quit before!

I don't understand. Is it because she is angry? Or she is just finding reasons to deny everything and make my life hell..

Finally got the ONE AND ONLY SOURCE in the world that says addiction drives the person to make decisions around the addiction. and its a the 12 steps for Alcoholics , smokes probably drug addicts too.

Dammit, she took a book written for all types of addicts and put me as a person who has completely no self control

[seras]

She decided to tear me apart everyday based on that...and I am not excessive, somehow porn becomes terrible after the urge and I sleep..I don't do at it the entire day like addicts.

I would rather take her full anger everyday then being scared and terrified of losing her.

The difference between habit and addiction is willpower and intention, habit can be stopped after the need if fulfilled, the rat stops eating, if the rat is an addict it keeps going at it till its a goner...

She was a medical student before even...my life sucks.. I will try abit more...

When she believes something its almost impossible to convince her otherwise, if she thinks I did something, I actually have to lie to her that I did or she will go crazy and try to make amends after..This got me into so much pain...

I will try the same...first.. By her behavior....I honestly don't know why she is still here is she wants to leave..she is straight forward..not the type to waste her time..

She is concerned about the addiction probably..I will try a few more time before......I really don't want to let go..but I might not have a choice, I don't know how to convince her that a person who does not gamble, drink, smoke, and is good at managing finances and investing while being anal about probability is a screwed up person who have no self control..I don't even lose my temper with her, and when I am angry, i keep calm and keep telling her I love her as I speak... A person who has never slept around, stayed single because he wants to commit to that one person. Dammit.. she knows all that about me, why is she being like this..

This entire month I have been under hell and I didn't even go to porn or anything, just kept exercising and running while researching about porn addiction..

Sorry for venting all..And thank you so much..Like I said..I don't even know how to convince her anymore..

[seras]

day 39..day 39 without her, still emailing her everyday, I can see that she almost does nothing the entire day but read the emails, and her facebook still has complicated relationship. There is still no reply from her, even after all the proof that I never had an addiction, showed no signs of one, but just a bad habit, which I have gotten rid of long ago.....

Sigh..I can't even choose what job to do, short term? long term? Not to mention she was always worried that i would be tempted or hook up with a random...even when I was single my entire life and rejected everyone....sigh.....Working at every single one of my family's companies I always just stayed single and rejected everyone respectfully, because I was always more comfortable alone, doing my own things. She does not see that..and now I am incredibly worried what happens if I work.. And the one time I actually got forced into sex, which I didn't stop because of my stupid man pride, she kept thinking that we might not work out...Sigh.... I know she is not really reasonable, but I love her the way she is, everything about her no matter how difficult my intelligence should be able to overcome it..and we can overcome it together too.

We always have so much fun together, that was so many similarities and passions we could and were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Not to mention I do everything and enjoy everything but watching sports and all vices, which she does not care for also except smoking. We were going to do everything, from paintball to kendo, exploring the world. Goddammit... from mazes to puzzles, from games to school. studying was always mindlessly easy to me to score even in university from economics to law...I know I can enjoy anything with her, play with her my entire life.. love and support her fully my entire life, master all the dishes she likes.. why...did I screw up everything and lie..my first real relationship, the first person that ever interests me, the first person I love, the first time I felt fear of losing someone or anything, so many fears.... On a person who was absolutely confident I could work for anything and do anything..or just be comfortable working for family my entire life..

39 days of not knowing what is happening, completely blind, fearful and terrified..I read so many relationship books and books on addiction, saw everything we did wrong, everything I did wrong. think I have read nearly 15-20 books already..

At least I stopped playing games and watching shows, spending all my time working out in my room so I am being recorded 24/7 in case she decides to watch or make sure I am alone..was suppose to do that before we close the distance and reach school together anyway. I was going to carry her anywhere while we explore since she does not like walking much and wants to be in high heels only, so I needed to lift at least 25 kg per arm, I am aiming for 30 and I am nearly half way there.. And I am running everyday which relaxes me. Hopefully learning everything and being the best person for her might attract her back.

I wonder..why..what could she be doing to be on her email almost the entire day, why does she not want to speak or reply, she might be angry or she might even be stubborn enough to believe that there is an addiction..because she is stubborn by nature. I don't want to give up on my first real dream, my first true purpose in life.. My mother is trying to push me into an MBA and is alittle skeptical because I don't know anything about her, from family to address and she has everything of mine(they don't actually know that I don't have any of her details hahaha), father hopes we will be together because his company created strong ties between Israel and Singapore and sees her as god sent.. so I have time to convince her to come back. I just don't know what else I need to do...I think she wants me to waste even more money to get a psychologist to confirm that I don't have an addiction.

EDIT
That's it!! I can get a psychologist opinion on this! But she might think I am lying to the psychologist, but at least its something. Thank you for letting me vent here, I actually thought of more to do.

[Unconditional]

.. there are SO many red flags here.
Always has been. How do you not have any details about her?!

[Hollandia]

You don't treat that you love in this way. You need to accept that and move on. I know it hurts, but you are just dragging it out by not accepting it. You need to heal and then someday you will find someone that truly loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

[seras]

She said that her family is important in Israel, she has some family problems, so I always sent her care packages to an address that always fails...Suspicious I know, but I trust her fully, she has never given me reason to doubt. Plus I made a decision to commit to this relationship all the way. PLUS if she is not real..then I would know it from the university admissions anyway. The most important fact is I don't actually care, if needed I would pay for her medical school too so I can enjoy my time with her and the rest of my life with her, I love her not for who she is, but the person that she is inside to hold the same dreams as me.. Plus as doctors we won't actually have any financial issues in future, not to mention I am from a pure financial background with accountancy, banking, economics and Law..I know she spends alot, but I have all the specialties to manage our money well with her. I will not hide anything financial from her and we agreed on that already.

EDIT

Managing money is not a flaw, I am not stingy or controlling, I don't see that as attractive in a person too, she can have anything she wants, my pay check too because I never needed anything. I will just invest and manage enough that we will always have enough.

Not to mention we can always fall back on my family..and my country has jobs everywhere for me if that option is not attractive to her.

[Sanja]

I'm not sure why you keep on wanting to pursue a relationship when she is not replying to any of your attempts at contacting her. Do you like to keep on hurting? Let her be and move on is the best thing you can do for yourself.

[seras]

Because she is leaving communications open, she is actually giving this a chance, in her own way. The fact is she is convinced that I have a porn addiction, but at the same time there is huge amounts of unknown in this topic. The fact that there is no real medical and scientific data is causing this to be a huge problem.

After hundreds of reports and studies, I am going to run comparative studies to other types of addiction. Plus the fact that I was under huge amounts of stress and guilt, There are many facts and overlapping symptoms.

We have a brain for a reason, she needs something to convince her that I was not controlled by an uncontrollable addiction for the entire relationship.

Basically you have been drinking one beer everyday after work, you want to drink one beer everyday because you are stressed, your wife says no more beer or alcohol, and makes it absolute, you mess up once and feel tons of guilt and shame. What happens after. What does the guilt and shame do. Do you try to run away? Or do you use the guilt and shame to solve the problem. I believe the answer is the more overwhelming the guilt and shame the more likely you are to run.

Besides this is a puzzle. An actual intellectual problem, might make for a good paper for our psychology class. Everything is a puzzle, everything has a possible solution, its rather how far you can imagine and think don't you agree?

I can see why she is so confused escalated by the fact she is furious I lied, there is no real definition, and guilt and shame, shying from the problems also have similar symptoms, so I just need to prove it to her.. I should have researched further on this. I foolishly stopped the moment I saw Habit, when it was clear that the fact that she does not think of me as me yet means she still thinks I am being controlled by the addiction.

[seras]

All human behavior is driven..thus all human behavior can be changed.

The fact that she went with I am not me, because I was being controlled by the addiction showed me her thought process immediately.

An ordinary person would have been satisfied seeing her partner stop for good, but an intelligent one would think that all behavior was caused by smoking, drugs or alcohol. Because it modifies the chemicals in the brain, thus modifying behavior.

In its essence, an addict is truly not himself, a drunk person is not himself. That is her line of thought now. Thus I was invalidated, no matter how happy she was, she thought of it as an illusion because she believes that I was not myself.

[GuineaPunk]

Your posts seem to be spiraling down into a black pit, and there are countless red flags here. Forgive my blunt way of putting this, but if I was in her position getting daily emails along the above lines (and I would imagine scaled up even further in intensity), I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction, because I would think that you are an absolute lunatic. Equally, you have now contradicted yourself so many times that I'm starting to wonder how much of this tale is real! But I will try and ignore that feeling, and try and assume that everything you have said is true.

I'm not so sure about you having an addictive personality, but it certainly seems that you have an obsessive one which can be as equally unhealthy. And as many people have already said, desperation is never attractive in small quantities, let alone the vast quantities that you are demonstrating here. It sounds like this girl has benefited from you greatly in a material way, helping her with her studying to get into medical school, being lavished with expensive gifts, almost constant attention every day of the year. You have also stated that you would pay for her to go to medical school, and you would fund an excessive lifestyle. While all she offers you is feelings of inadequacy and guilt? From her side this sounds like a relationship of convenience, while from your side it reads like nothing more than an obsession for a mystery figure that you have never even met.

If she truly cared for you, she wouldn't shame you for a bit of porn use. I can't imagine that there are many 28 year old guys who haven't watched porn at some point in their lives (in many parts of the world, most 28 year old girls do too!) And to take such a scientific stance on it, is not going to sort out any emotional stress for either of you. Quoting studies and research papers at each other is only going to make you wannabe-experts in addiction psychology. It will not make you trust each other. It will not return any feelings of love. I am deeply into my science, but if I ever used a scientific journal to try and justify or refute a problem in my relationship with my boyfriend, I would expect nothing but ridicule from him (and rightly so!)

I'm begging you to step away from this situation, as to be quite frank the games that you are playing with each other suggests that neither of you are actually mature enough for a relationship. You are probably not yourself at all, whether that be through addiction, obsession, or heart ache. But if you genuinely step away and find yourself on a new path, chances are you will look back on this in five years time and go "What on Earth was I thinking?"

[seras]

Oh..the diagnosis keeps changing because I am constantly reading and researching was it not clear? I am constantly learning too.. And in the past we actually use medical journals together to try to increase dopamine, serotonin gain, Oxycontin gain before. If its up to her she would actually consider the drug itself.

We believe why not use everything to strengthen our relationship before when things were good, plans to use both rabbi and church to see if we can get advice. Why not, everything is fun and available.

We took it as something fun, to learn of every way to strengthen our relationship.

I have been bored for 28 years...there are no challenges at school or work...I topped classes simply by studying everyday..don't even know when the exams or tests are before..because it didn't matter as I just kept studying.

She offered a life of challenges and fun, all packaged with the person I love. Made everything fun..Do you think there is anyone else like her in this world?

She is difficult to be with, but I believe I can be better and there are solutions to everything. My life is more screwed up without her. An MBA, CFA, CPA? Working in a damned company bored out of my mind everyday just like the rest of my life? My degree is in accountancy, I can't even imagine how bored I would be, and my starting pay is between 3-5k...not to mention I can just work for my parents..I don't need money...I am good at investments...Money does not do anything for me..none of my cousins actually bothered to work, and half didn't even bother studying..

She fulfilled everything at once..mental, emotions and challenges..not to mention because she is so difficult she will never cheat on me..I have security too...

EDIT

Not to mention I DON'T actually know what she is thinking about exactly, only from 2 conversations, where she said I am not me, and also she got angry thinking I wanted release from our relationship.

[GuineaPunk]

When I said that you have contradicted yourself many times, I was referring to your story. You were very clear on your constant research, which is why I suggested that you might be showing obsessive behaviors. Have you ever considered seeking CBT? My ex-boyfriend showed many of the same behavioral traits as you (albeit under different circumstances) and when I finally managed to get him into the mental health system he was sent off for CBT. It did him the world of good, and allowed him to look at the world on a more even keel. I only suggest this because it is obvious that you are not going to take on anyone's well meaning points or advice on board. What about any friends you have there? What do they think of your whole situation?

By the way, I am an accountant, so I completely feel your pain with the boredom that the job brings if that isn't what makes you tick. But you still need to make a choice on what you find interesting, not what suits your lifestyle 'together'. You can't let her be your source of meaning, what would happen to you if something terrible was to happen to her and she was killed?

[seras]

Her parents are doctors..and I want to be there to keep her safe. There are many people whose life gets shattered after their SO dies..I would rather not think of that. I have no disorders..my life before is just boring, I have never did anything in excess. Not to mention I am extremely confident, and excel at public speaking..Never had depression and I believe I am able to do anything, not excel, but be good at anything eventually with hard work.

Does not change boredom, everyday is going to be a good day, there are no challenges, there is always a way out, there are always fall backs, my safety net is immense. I don't have to tolerate anything I don't want to, but I choose to tolerate everything and its still boring, I have been through the army too as its compulsory in our country. I train, run harder then anyone else. Boredom isn't an affliction or disorder, rather the lack of anything bad..

You work hard everyday, get promoted and get money. There is no challenge in that?! Working hard is not a challenge its normal to work hard for what you want.. I don't enjoy the company of anyone else too, have running buddies, tennis buddies, buddies for everything people I speak to. But meeting the girl that you completely sync with..That is a miracle...

Obviously I am going to try anything I can..not to mention..she was the one that said the no- contact decision is stupid, and the phone call couple of days ago showed that she was angry when she thought I want release.

And that she kept her facebook relationship status the same despite using fb often..

We are both gamers too..I am very familiar with the games she plays, thats why I can monitor how she spends her time the entire day..And she is literally reading emails from morning to night, constantly on gmail. She does not play anything anymore too, she is spending all of her time on emails for some reason when she hates typing. That means she is reading constantly. And she was extremely hurt when I lied, devastated, crying everyday, wanted to jump off her building rather then get back together because she believes that I am a construct of her imagination, I know now its because she believes addiction drove all my actions..

She cried everyday for a month, not even sure of now, well I did the same too, I kept wasting time trying to fix our relationship instead of convincing her that there was no addiction..I stopped porn use completely already. 39 days, 40 today. Easily without effort after all the guilt and shame was gone and I actually dealt with it.