Anyone whose SO is taken?

[farandaway]

Well I'll be frank in that I think someone should end their current relationship before truly launching into the next. That's just my own perspective and I respect that other people have different views. But I would be concerned about the married guy never leaving, either because he's just interested in a stimulating dalliance or because he never gets up the nerve to leave what's comfortable. It's all well and good to say, "well, the relationship is dead" but if its truly dead...why is he still in it? Children, finances...okay. But surely there are ways to work it out? I know that I personally wouldn't be able to wait around for any long period of time, but I respect that everyone is different.

Also, I'd like to ask you, rhabdoviridae, have you been there yourself? I would've had exactly your opinion 3 years ago. I love my SO but in hindsight I wish I could have done things differently. I think divorce was the best thing for us in the end. But because we were doing so poorly and my friends were sort of used up as shoulders, I turned to Internet to find someone to talk to. I didn't want to cheat so I chose a married man to talk to as he did, too. Across the ocean even. Naive maybe but it made sense at the time. My ex started looking for a girlfriend after we had filed for divorce and he could look for an available one. By that time I was so attached and couldn't walk away any more. So purposedly looking to be in this situation? Not at all.

As for my kids. They are certainly better off without the constant bickering and arguments. Their Dad moved a long way to the States and that's really cruel on kids. I would still say they've come out of this fine and they always have space for their feelings.

[farandaway]

Well, I did it. Check out new group: LDR LOVE AFFAIRS. Hope we can support each other, and let our hair down.

Hmmmm, I wonder why I can't find it. Not under International or under main topic?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hmmmm, I wonder why I can't find it. Not under International or under main topic?

Did you check Groups? It's listed under New Groups. It has a pastel photo of a woman with an ethereal man as the avatar.

[Zephii]

Well I'll be frank in that I think someone should end their current relationship before truly launching into the next.

Mate I think we all think that. It's just sometimes it doesn't happen that way.

I hate that "once a cheater always a cheater" crap. Yes, some people just have no conscience and cheat on everyone they get with, but other people do learn from their pasts or have extenuating circumstances.

For me I was afraid to leave, genuinely afraid for my life and the safety of my family. I'd have found the courage to walk out much sooner if I'd known they were threats. It's not always easy to leave. Change is scary, and people are not as strong and noble as we tend to think we are much of the time.

Here's a link to that group !LINK! for people who have trouble finding it. Nice work Aussie.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Thanks. I just thought it might be helpful to others in this situation to have a place to talk, and share their experiences. Sort of a support group.

[OperaDiva]

My "implication" is just as valid as your opinion.

Your implication that having an affair prevents fighting, screaming, yelling and abuse is not a valid one.

[Hollandia]

Long post, sorry, read if you want...

I think it all depends if he is really taken or not? My first husband had a affair with a bartender when our daughter was a toddler. He would have sex with me one day and then tell me he was hanging out with the guys for this or that and go have sex with her. I am a monogamous person, I don't want to be in a situation where my partner is sleeping with someone else. I don't know who she might have been sleeping with either. He was literally f#cking her while I wile feeding, bathing, playing with and putting to bed our child. I thought we were happily married. I was washing his clothes and cooking his meals and going to church with him and sucking his co#$ when he wanted. THAT is cheating and for that reason I hate the women he did it to me with. I was humiliated when it came out and pitied. He was lying to me and I had no clue there was any such thing going on and she knew it because I used to bartend and was still good friends with her boss. He was taken.

Now, years go by and I have remarried and my second husband has horrible anger problems. After years of living on eggshells I tell him to get help. Another year goes by my fear has turned to resentment when he gets angry. I give him an ultimatum next time he apologizes, get help or we are done. He does not get help, business get worse, some of his family screw us over and we start to fight more and more, each time his temper ends up and finally, one day I tell him, I want to separate, he asks me to give it another try but I don't really want to. A few months later, he agrees he has killed the love we had by his temper and we take off the rings and I move out of our bed into the guestroom. A few months go by, my Dad passes and I meet my SO online. I am still legally married, but separated, no ring on, and sleeping on my own room. We decide to start dating some months later by this time my estranged spouse is dating someone too. I was not taken but some might had on issue with it. My SO knew that I was not just stringing him along, but we don't want the judgement so we don't tell his family, his friends or anyone new we meet. I did not lie to my Ex, or go behind his back, or trick him into sharing a sexual relationship with me and him and my SO, but I was still married. So, I know there are gray lines but for me if you look at these situations as two ends of a scale, the closer you are to my first marriage you are , the more I feel it is morally wrong, the closer you are to the second marriage, the more I feel, you have not really wronged anyone and so nothing is morally wrong.

I am not judging you guys but I find this an interesting debate and my life seems to have a bit of experience from both sides of the coin. I guess the question is for the OP, Is he really taken or not? Do you want a monogamous relationship with him or are you okay with sharing him with his wife? Is he lying to his wife or is it all out in the open? Is he lying to his kids or not? If he is lying to his wife, still having sex with her and she has no knowledge of you, then that would be cheating and cheaters usually cheat again. If he is not and all is out in the open then he is not cheating just in a difficult complex situation and would not be liable to cheat at all.

My stories ended somewhat "happily" for both. I was lucky enough to have my first Ex walk out on me and my daughter and after two years, never see her again (since 5 yrs old), and I got out. I am now quite good friends with my second Ex, he is my daughter's dad for life in both their eyes and I can come and stay in the guestroom any time I want to without issue. He and my SO have no desire to meet but if they ever did, there would be no ill feelings. Me and SO have been speaking of marriage and as soon as we have our ducks in a row to close the distance for good, we will most likely be flying back to Croatia to do it, so quite happy with how my LDR love affair has been running it's course.

Long story short, I don't see myself as a cheater, but maybe some might but I do most definitely see my first husband as a cheater and a low life for what he did to me. Thankfully, I got no diseases out of it, some people can get aids from that stuff, he never used a condom with me and never offered up any information in the end about if he did with her. I bring this up because it is almost a crime to lead someone to believe you are monogamous while in fact you are fraking other people and putting them at risk for multiple diseases.

Our daughter was almost happy to see me and my second husband split. She says both of us seem much happier and she does not miss the screaming and fear.

[ldrxoxo]

I get judged even being a decent citizen of society. It happens. I hated this one girl who would always cheat and be cheated with and she actually bragged about it as if that was a "good" thing...those are the types of cheaters/other people I hate. If you at least feel you know you are doing some type of wrong, then you need to leave your "dead" relationship and he needs to leave his.

If you feel both relationships are "dead" that's fine. I despise the cheaters and the cheatees who know full well that the relationships are not dead and go behind people's backs in that way to have their cakes and eat it, too. I don't put myself in that situation because hardly the man who is doing the cheating does not leave his main woman for the other woman. I guess I cannot be of help to you since I do not relate to this situation. I have cheated on someone once back in high school, but that was when I was young, and I didn't even like the guy. I didn't stay with him after and hide it from him. I broke up with him that night.

I was with him because no one I ever like gives me a chance so I tried to like someone who likes me who I didn't really like and cheating on him got me to leave him. Now I'm not going to be with anyone if I do not like them in that way and would rather be on my own to not put myself in this difficult situation.

There is a success story of someone else I know who she was always cheating on someone I knew. She left the person she cheated on for the other man. They are married now and have a baby. IDK how the other man felt about being the other man, but I know if it were me, I wouldn't like being strung along that way. He's lucky that girl left her main boyfriend for him. It doesn't happen often.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

If you feel both relationships are "dead" that's fine. I despise the cheaters and the cheatees who know full well that the relationships are not dead and go behind people's backs in that way to have their cakes and eat it, too.

There is a success story of someone else I know who she was always cheating on someone I knew. She left the person she cheated on for the other man. They are married now and have a baby. IDK how the other man felt about being the other man, but I know if it were me, I wouldn't like being strung along that way. He's lucky that girl left her main boyfriend for him. It doesn't happen often.

And there you go again, judging and hating people. You might not know the whole story. It might not be a case of "having cake and eating it, too" and there might be real love between the "cheater and cheatee" as you put it. Things are not always so black and white. Rigidly moralistic people might like the world to be all tidy and organized that way, and keep people in boxes, but life isn't always that way. It can be much more complicated than that.

[farandaway]

I think it all depends if he is really taken or not? .... ... I am not judging you guys but I find this an interesting debate and my life seems to have a bit of experience from both sides of the coin. I guess the question is for the OP, Is he really taken or not? Do you want a monogamous relationship with him or are you okay with sharing him with his wife? Is he lying to his wife or is it all out in the open? Is he lying to his kids or not? If he is lying to his wife, still having sex with her and she has no knowledge of you, then that would be cheating and cheaters usually cheat again. If he is not and all is out in the open then he is not cheating just in a difficult complex situation and would not be liable to cheat at all.

He is taken and I'm not okay with sharing him. This is too complicated to explain here but I'll say that there is a child involved plus there is his financial situation involved. Those two reasons have kept him where he cannot leave or tell anyone about me. So, yes he is cheating by your standards but he is not committed to her any more and they've silently made this clear by soon moving to different coutries.

I can see your two examples very clearly showing what is wrong and what is more acceptable. If one party would be hurt and devastated and it came out of the blue then it's clearly wrong. My situation is somewhere in between. He wants to leave and cannot, yet. I do not ask about sex since I can't stand to hear which way it is.

[farandaway]

Here's a link to that group !LINK! for people who have trouble finding it. Nice work Aussie.

Should we start a new thread to invite people into the group?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Should we start a new thread to invite people into the group?

I think that's a great idea. I have an idea for another topic to add to it, too, the way things are going with my SO lately.

[farandaway]

Great! I'm so lost with my feelings for my SO and so torn between the need for someone right here and my love for him. And there are a million other topics that I'd like to talk about in another group without needing to defend myself.

[Hollandia]

He is taken and I'm not okay with sharing him. This is too complicated to explain here but I'll say that there is a child involved plus there is his financial situation involved. Those two reasons have kept him where he cannot leave or tell anyone about me. So, yes he is cheating by your standards but he is not committed to her any more and they've silently made this clear by soon moving to different coutries.

I can see your two examples very clearly showing what is wrong and what is more acceptable. If one party would be hurt and devastated and it came out of the blue then it's clearly wrong. My situation is somewhere in between. He wants to leave and cannot, yet. I do not ask about sex since I can't stand to hear which way it is.

If he is still having sex with her, then that I feel is really unfair to her. She has no idea she is not only sharing her bed with him but you too, and for that, I would blame him. I could never swallow that pill and I would be pissed at him if I was in your shoes too. If he loves you and they are basically through, then he should not be having sex with her. Nobody would be putting a gun to his head to do it either, he does it, if he is, because he wants too.

This is a really personal question and don't answer if it offends you, but are you sleeping with others? If you were, now this woman would be sharing a bed with him, you and whoever you slept with.

It comes down to deception for me, is there deception going on? If there is, then someone is being deceived and that would be wrong.

[rhabdoviridae]

Great! I'm so lost with my feelings for my SO and so torn between the need for someone right here and my love for him. And there are a million other topics that I'd like to talk about in another group without needing to defend myself.

I haven't been in the situation, and it's quite possible that I would behave differently as I've been in other situations that people tend to judge from their high horses... I don't at all mean to put you (or anyone else here) on the defensive - as I said, I respect that others have different viewpoints than I do.

My main concern as someone giving advice to someone else over the internet is the possibility, however remote, that the married individual won't ever leave their relationship and that might compromise the proverbial you's emotions. My place here isn't to judge, it's to give advice that I hope will help others succeed in whatever relationship they have