Confused over big choices...

[.:Sammie:.]

Hello,
I dont really know where to start, so please forgive me if I ramble. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years now. We met through a game online and a year later i went to met him in person. Him and i had a very great relationship, at least together, things have kind of changed on the computer recently. After, the first time I went to meet him, we decided to try to live together. He is in Costa Rica and I am in California. I lived there with him for 6 months leaving everything that i had here, pretty much giving up everything. My parents of course were not happy, then we got pregnant. I just recently went visit him after a year of not being able to see him at all. Our daughter also just turned one last week. He is really upset that we are apart and wants me to move to Costa Rica because it is going to take him a long time to ever be able to come here. The problem is that I am in school and school will take me at least another 5 years before i can get my degree. He gets upset with me because he says that my happiness is material and his is just us being together no matter the place, and he has no way to get here right now. When he was a baby his mother took him from Nicaragua to Costa Rica and never got him is papers in Costa Rica. So he has spent his whole life in Costa Rica illegal. I understand why he wants me to move there, I just do not know what the right decision is. My parents threaten that I will lose everything i have here if i decide to move to Costa Rica. I am going through school and my parents put a car in their name that is my car and I pay for every month. However if I moved there i would have no way of paying for the car, so the say they will sell it. Also, they say if it does not work out, I am on my own basically. I understand that as I am 24 years old and an adult. I am just not sure what i should choose. I really am so much in love with my boyfriend, but I am confused as what choice to make. He can not offer me anything sure and secure, he says that we will figure it out, the important thing is that we are together. But I am scared to give up everything and things do not work out, and I am left with no way to support myself and our daughter. In CR i would not be able to continue to go to school and i would not be able to get a job that i wanted because I would not have any legality seen as he is illegal himself. He wants to fix his legality in CR and that is taking a long time, they keep denying him. Another option is for him to go back to Nicaragua and try everything from there, however he is really against that. My parents and everyone else tell me to move on that he doesn't want to come here and that he just wants me to go there and give up everything and he is being selfish. But I love him and half of me is ready to give up everything and go, and the other half is scared to let go of security that i have here. Opinions? thank you

[whatruckus]

He does seem to be a bit selfish and doesn't act like he cares about your feelings. Saying that your happiness is nothing compared to his is a big red flag to me. Why did he wait so long to try and fix his legality? I wouldn't go, because as you said, nothing will be secure and you guys won't really have anything over there.

You need to think about your daughter. Is it better for her to stay here in States, where she'll have a future, and family that can help look after her while you're school; where you can get a degree and be able to have a career?

I understand that it's hard for him because he is an illegal alien in CR. But, he needs to understand that it's not just about what he wants. It's about you as well, and most importantly, what's best for your daughter.

I agree with your friends and family that he is being extremely selfish in wanting you to drop everything, take your daughter, and move there to be with him. He really needs to understand and realize that if you do this, things still won't be so great. Yes, you'll have each other, but what about the stresses of finding a good home, transportation, money, food, education...?

If Nicaragua is the only solution, as he is a legal citizen there, and CR is giving him such issues about approving him, why is he so against it? He needs to realize that you guys have a family now, and he needs to realize that his decisions impact all of you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Does he have a job in Costa Rica? Does he live on his own?

[snow]

You should never give up everything to be with one person, especially if you have kids. There is always the possibility, and I hate playing devil's advocate here, that your relationship with him doesn't work out and you are stuck in a country, illegaly with your daughter. You will have no legal rights to anything, no child support, no medical help, nothing

If you choose to live in Costa Rica, get there legally! Find out if there is any visas you have to go through and do everything legally. This way, you two could still be together, but at least you did everything right.

This is a tough decision and of course I can't tell you what the best decision is, but I think leaving your family to live be an illegal immigrant is probably not a good idea. Education is always important and I think you should rather finish school and then move. In these 5 years he could try to fix his illegal issues.

[whatruckus]

You should never give up everything to be with one person, especially if you have kids. There is always the possibility, and I hate playing devil's advocate here, that your relationship with him doesn't work out and you are stuck in a country, illegaly with your daughter. You will have no legal rights to anything, no child support, no medical help, nothing

If you choose to live in Costa Rica, get there legally! Find out if there is any visas you have to go through and do everything legally. This way, you two could still be together, but at least you did everything right.

This is a tough decision and of course I can't tell you what the best decision is, but I think leaving your family to live be an illegal immigrant is probably not a good idea. Education is always important and I think you should rather finish school and then move. In these 5 years he could try to fix his illegal issues.

Exactly.

[80anthea]

As he's lived in Costa Rica for so long and especially as he was taken there as a child, have you looked into whether he could become a CR citizen?

[squeeker]

I also think your best bet is finishing your education and then thinking to move there and also him working on his illegal status and/or getting to Nicaragua. It does make it a whole lot more complicated that you have a daughter now, but maybe in the mean time you can work towards getting visits in the mean time.. because you have a daughter now you both have to be more responsible and weigh the options, and what ones are better for the long term and short term. Also maybe look at what your options are of getting to Costa Rica legally but he should not be so adamant of you moving there, it would probably put a lot of stress on your relationship especially if you don't have adequate savings. Unless maybe he has a really good job there but you probably should get your education in the USA first especially while your parents can help you and also with the car thing. But I'm sorry it's so complicated. It's going to be a good few years before my boyfriend and I can close the distance too because we went back to university as well. I hope you can work out what the best option is for you both.. maybe you can make some pro and con lists for both California and Costa Rica, and talk to him about it, and decide what options are best for your little family.

[differentcountries]

If you should consider going to Costa Rica to stay with him, you need to know that you can take care of yourself financially. It does't sound as if that is possable. You should never move internationally without having some kind of safety net. From what I can tell, you have no money, a daughter to care for, and since he is in CR illegally he probably can't offer you any support. The only way for you to move to CR safely is to make sure you have an income. Would it be possable to get a job in CR? Do you speak the language? Would you have any rights to health care or benifits if you moved/worked? Or, is the any type of work that you can do online, where it does not matter where you are?

It is not nice of your parents to threaten you, but hey; if I offered to move to Turkey, no way my parents would help me financially to do that. I can see that they fear for their grandchild who is small, of course they want to be close to help. And of course, if you finish your education you will be much safer financially in either country.

If your bf wants to come to the US, or even if you want to come to CR, he needs to sort out this thing with his citizenship. He has responsabilities for his daughter as well as to provide the best ammount of safety for you. Nobody is saying things are easy or pleasant, but he has got to do his share.

[mllebamako]

You've got to do what is best for your child, and in my opinion, that is to finish school. Going to CR may be the romantic choice but it is not the practical one for right now. You said that it would be hard to support yourself there, therefore hard to support your child there as well. I think that your boyfriend needs to think of what is best for the child and for your family. He needs to either figure out how to become legal in CR or move back to Nicaragua just for the time that it takes to do a fiancé visa to come to the States.

It's a difficult situation but you have to be realistic. Being together "no matter the place" is a nice idea, but in reality it isn't what is best for yourself or your child.

[.:Sammie:.]

Does he have a job in Costa Rica? Does he live on his own?

He does have a job, but he supports his brother, sisters, and mother because his sisters and brother do not want to get a job. So the only ones supporting the family is him and his mother.

[.:Sammie:.]

he has tried to become a CR citizen and that is what he really wants. He is still in the process of trying right now.

[.:Sammie:.]

You should never give up everything to be with one person, especially if you have kids. There is always the possibility, and I hate playing devil's advocate here, that your relationship with him doesn't work out and you are stuck in a country, illegaly with your daughter. You will have no legal rights to anything, no child support, no medical help, nothing

If you choose to live in Costa Rica, get there legally! Find out if there is any visas you have to go through and do everything legally. This way, you two could still be together, but at least you did everything right.

This is a tough decision and of course I can't tell you what the best decision is, but I think leaving your family to live be an illegal immigrant is probably not a good idea. Education is always important and I think you should rather finish school and then move. In these 5 years he could try to fix his illegal issues.

If i would move to costa rica, it would be legally which means for now that i would be leaving every three months and returning. That is how long my visa is good for in CR.

[.:Sammie:.]

If you should consider going to Costa Rica to stay with him, you need to know that you can take care of yourself financially. It does't sound as if that is possable. You should never move internationally without having some kind of safety net. From what I can tell, you have no money, a daughter to care for, and since he is in CR illegally he probably can't offer you any support. The only way for you to move to CR safely is to make sure you have an income. Would it be possable to get a job in CR? Do you speak the language? Would you have any rights to health care or benifits if you moved/worked? Or, is the any type of work that you can do online, where it does not matter where you are?

It is not nice of your parents to threaten you, but hey; if I offered to move to Turkey, no way my parents would help me financially to do that. I can see that they fear for their grandchild who is small, of course they want to be close to help. And of course, if you finish your education you will be much safer financially in either country.

If your bf wants to come to the US, or even if you want to come to CR, he needs to sort out this thing with his citizenship. He has responsabilities for his daughter as well as to provide the best ammount of safety for you. Nobody is saying things are easy or pleasant, but he has got to do his share.

there are a few jobs that i could get just with having my passport. My bf has a job illegally, but just with my passport a few places are a little more willing to hire me. So i am not too worried about not being able to get a job as much as everything else.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If i would move to costa rica, it would be legally which means for now that i would be leaving every three months and returning. That is how long my visa is good for in CR.

I'm not familiar with Costa Rica's visa regulations, but if they're like other countries, they wouldn't be happy about that and it would start to trigger flags. You can't move to a country on a visitor visa, which is usually what the 3 month ones are. Additionally, there's usually a period of time you need to wait before you can go back for another 3 months. So it could be something like you can go there for 3 months, but then you have to go back to the US for 6 months, or a year, or whatever, and then you can go back for another 3 months.

It doesn't sound like you and your daughter moving to CR is a particularly good idea.

[whatruckus]

If i would move to costa rica, it would be legally which means for now that i would be leaving every three months and returning. That is how long my visa is good for in CR.

I'm going to be completely blunt here: This is not a good idea at all, by any means. Lugging your daughter back and forth from CR and the US every 3 months? She's only a year old. I really don't think she'd be able to handle that type of thing, much less yourself. Also, the idea that you can get a job with just a passport doesn't sound like a good idea either. Silvermoon brought up a good point in that travelling that often on a visitor visa would raise some red flags. Also, if you moved there, where would you live? Since you said that your BF has to take care of his family there. Also, he has his job illegally. What happens if he loses his job and you're still trying to find a job? What happens then? You'd only be able to support yourselves for the time that you're there before you would just have to leave again.

Wouldn't you want a stable job? A degree to fall back on? You really want to have you and your daughter travelling back and forth 4 times a year? How much would that cost?

It really seems like the both of you are just putting pressure on yourself to do everything and I really don't think that's right. It's not right that your parents are threatening you with the car and whatnot, but I can see their point. They want to protect you and your daughter and they want you to have what DC said: A safety net. A fall-back plan. Right now, with the way you're describing things about wanting to go there and how your BF is, it doesn't seem like there is a fall-back plan.

I haven't seen you mention anything about your daughter except for what was in the first post. If you move there, who is going to take care of her while you and your BF are working?

Your daughter and her well-being should be your #1 priority and not so much about closing the distance just so you two can be together, and honestly, right now the logical choice in providing your daughter with the best quality of life is to stay in US and finish your degree.

Should you move there and things not work out with your BF, what happens then? Where would you go? Your parents have already made it clear that if you go that they won't help you out.