What to do/how to act after he leaves?

[TheCatAndTheFish]

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, or if its just us.

Both times after he left and when he got home we skyped and talked- but it seems different =/
Like more distance (i dont mean literally because obviously there IS that kind of distance) but more hesitant to be close like we were before he even came here//was here. We dont talk as much and normally we busy ourselves in the call rather then spending our attention on each other.

Why is it like the spark is gone? Because, i KNOW it isnt.. it just took like a month to return after the first time we met =/. Is it just because we are both so upset over us being alone again? I really dont know, mostly because when im hurting i block out all my feelings.

We normally skype anywhere from 4-20 hours a day (we sleep in call as often as possible.. and stay in call as long as possible- the short days are him working)
Naturally- i feel like anyone else this would get insanely boring with but after 4 years of this- we dont really have many days of empty conversation!

Once again, i know this isnt us actually losing the spark- we just spent 110 days together and finally talked about closing the distance, so whats up?

[Redheart14]

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, or if its just us.

Both times after he left and when he got home we skyped and talked- but it seems different =/
Like more distance (i dont mean literally because obviously there IS that kind of distance) but more hesitant to be close like we were before he even came here//was here. We dont talk as much and normally we busy ourselves in the call rather then spending our attention on each other.

Why is it like the spark is gone? Because, i KNOW it isnt.. it just took like a month to return after the first time we met =/. Is it just because we are both so upset over us being alone again? I really dont know, mostly because when im hurting i block out all my feelings.

We normally skype anywhere from 4-20 hours a day (we sleep in call as often as possible.. and stay in call as long as possible- the short days are him working)
Naturally- i feel like anyone else this would get insanely boring with but after 4 years of this- we dont really have many days of empty conversation!

Once again, i know this isnt us actually losing the spark- we just spent 110 days together and finally talked about closing the distance, so whats up?

Wow I'm lucky to get 30 mins a day! 4-20 hours geez that's heaps. I think it's the loneliness of being back to your normal lives without each other. After 110 days together maybe he has heaps of work to catch up on too. Don't worry the first few days apart are hard but things will return to normal soon! Hope you're ok I was worried about the post you put in the 'how are you feeling' thread.

[TheCatAndTheFish]

Wow I'm lucky to get 30 mins a day! 4-20 hours geez that's heaps. I think it's the loneliness of being back to your normal lives without each other. After 110 days together maybe he has heaps of work to catch up on too. Don't worry the first few days apart are hard but things will return to normal soon! Hope you're ok I was worried about the post you put in the 'how are you feeling' thread.

I have emotional problems so its hard for me not to feel so negative after this =/. I didnt mean to worry anyone! I guess posting something that would seem so scary to most wasnt the best without people knowing me all too well.- I feel suicidal often but i believe i feel that feeling differently then most- more of a wish i disappeared or never existed so i wouldnt harm my SO kinda way. I left the harming myself ect back with my past self i believe.

And yes at first i actually was freaked about all the time we got >.<' i was scared we'd have nothing to talk about at all! but somehow it just works.

Hmm, maybe it is the lonelyness- but we even spoke about that before we left, nothing changes except for touch, but then why does everything seem so.. different? Ugh. i think way too much.

[Redheart14]

Relax, I think you're over thinking it it'll be ok

[TheCatAndTheFish]

Well- what bothers me is that first month after the first meeting he seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me (he even like pushed me out of his life for awhile)
And the two years between the first and this meeting.. was alot more, problems? Like, fighting became often but then we would have really nice spots. He also hurt me deeply a few times during those two years- badly enough that breaking it off seemed to be the only solution for awhile. And then again we would have amazing months.... Through all of these hardships he admitted he saw nothing wrong happening, even though we almost broke it off a few times...

Our relationship is FAR from perfect- and we have both changed considerably which is understandable- but we went from having no fighting for the first three years to fairly often fighting at points, multiple times a day sometimes! =/ ( I REALLY hate admitting this and kinda was hoping to keep it to myself even on this forum, but i really need help with all this confusingness x.x)

I cannot get over the fact that he became so distant after the first, like does meeting me and seeing me break this 'perfect' image he has of me? i remember him saying i was considerably different- even though i did nothing to hide my true self. I keep voicing these fears to him and he shrugs it off- not even willing to talk to me about it.

[OperaDiva]

Look above, you are overthinking it take a deep breath. It is normal for the first days and weeks after a visit to feel distant, because you got much much closer physically than you used to be. It is not weird at all to also bury yourself in work - both my SO and I do that - so that you can get over the post-visit blues. And yes, the blues are there and are completely normal as well, and they take longer if all you do is sit at home and stare at the screen.

My advice would be to find something to do outside of your relationship, because spending 20 hours a day with someone for the rest of your life is not healthy or feasible. Do you have friends to go out with, or can you make new ones, join a meetup, a club, an activity of any sort?

ETA: I misread, I thought you only had one visit. But in any case a relationship changes all the time and holding on to what it used to be or what you think it should be will only make you miserable. Enjoy the next steps!

[JaneEmily]

I think there's nothing wrong with you

Me and my SO are also a little distant after visiting each other. We talk plenty after the visits but the pain of having to say bye really gets to us both so we just lock things up inside. I tend to just sit and cry a lot whilst he's unsure about how to make it better so he gets frustrated and acts like the strong one who's dealing with, which sometimes comes across like it doesn't bother him.

I read somewhere that a lot of Dutch people don't really like showing emotions publicly, (not PDA or whatever), but they aren't used to it so when other people are emotional around them, they just don't know how to deal with it so they act like they're not bothered. I spoke to my SO about it, about trying to open up a bit more (I don't want him to sob or anything) but to just write it down in a notebook/journal how he feels or what he thinks - and that's helped with him being a bit more... Understandable? He doesn't write in it all the time, but when he needs to. Perhaps try that with yours?


Also I'm here for you if you need a chat! (sorry about disappearing on Skype after food - fell asleep.. Oops :3)

<3

[differentcountries]

It is very normal to feel down or distant after a visit, especially after a long visit where you felt close. I often do something for my SO to help him, like leave behind books or letters or send something in the mail for him. This time I will probably make a small count down calender. We are aware why we feel and act weird, which helps. He is weird before visits, too. I have to remind myself of the reasons he is stonewalling. It helps that I tend to stonewall myself (a quality that fascinated my ex to no end, I don't think he had ever had a woman stonewall on him before, haha) but I am also a cryer, which SO think is hard if he can't be there for me, it is like he falls apart if I cry about the distance, I think it makes him feel helpless. What I like to do is go through our visits mentally together, like a trip down memory lane. I will say, do you remember when we had our first visit and we could not kiss or hold hands because that old woman was staring at us? Then we will laugh. Good times. Safe times, because that is not what we just left behind. But sometimes we will also talk about the last trip, like our amazing day at the sea. The memories are almost as good as the real thing when you relive them together. Also, we have our lives with work and stuff that happens, we share that and say: wish you were here to share the good times and the bad. That is usually how we get by.

[ladiielove22]

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, or if its just us.

Both times after he left and when he got home we skyped and talked- but it seems different =/
Like more distance (i dont mean literally because obviously there IS that kind of distance) but more hesitant to be close like we were before he even came here//was here. We dont talk as much and normally we busy ourselves in the call rather then spending our attention on each other.

Why is it like the spark is gone? Because, i KNOW it isnt.. it just took like a month to return after the first time we met =/. Is it just because we are both so upset over us being alone again? I really dont know, mostly because when im hurting i block out all my feelings.

We normally skype anywhere from 4-20 hours a day (we sleep in call as often as possible.. and stay in call as long as possible- the short days are him working)
Naturally- i feel like anyone else this would get insanely boring with but after 4 years of this- we dont really have many days of empty conversation!

Once again, i know this isnt us actually losing the spark- we just spent 110 days together and finally talked about closing the distance, so whats up?

its a very normal reaction to feel like the spark is gone when you guys first are apart especially after a lengthy time together. me and my SO have dealt with this alot but dont worry yourself too much just remind yourself that soon enough things will get back to normal and the end date is fastly approaching....and i agree with Redgeart14 4-20hours Thats a long time um lucky if we get to skype once or twice a week for about 3omins lol

[Redheart14]

How are you feeling today?

[TheCatAndTheFish]

How are you feeling today?

Much more positive, I talked to him and something was up /: sometimes he's very sensitive and I had made a smalli mstake that he over thought- all is well now and I feel much better,
Thank you. And how are you feeling today?

[Redheart14]

I'm ok. Been keeping busy making 'open when letters' I'm excited for my SO to open them. Just on countdown still 111 day.
Glad you're feeling better today