how to be there for him during periods of depression

[ronjaandbirk]

Hey all, thanks for your replies

I know I can't force him to or that I can't be his therapist.. I think my main problem with this (other than it just being horrible seeing him like this) is that I knew what to do or how to support him best if I was close. but I can't even help him with his sleeping pattern because I cant keep him up when he should be awake but gets sleepy or wake him up if he is sleeping because our schedules are so different.
I cant do anything basically, and I always think its so hard already when he has the flu and I want to care for him, only this is much worse...

we do have spoken about it more now tho and I thin my advice to seek help actually got through now. I don't think he's actually going to do something in his own, but at least he admits it now which I guess is a big first step.


I'm also super stressed out with work etc so that add to my not so great mood about this and makes it extra hard ...
but thank you all for listening!!

[Honour]

First step on a long road. He can beat his demons. Anyone with the will power to see beyond their pain and suffering can do so. It's what I'm trying to do now for my SO.

[Miasmata]

Him being able to reflect better on himself and seeing that he needs help is a good and very important step! I hope for the best for him, and that he will seek professional help soon. You both deserve this to get easier and healthier!

[ronjaandbirk]

Hello all, a little update on this:
he did finally search help for his depressions which is a great step and I'm really glad he does. However, I have new issues arising from this and I hope maybe someone has any ideas or tips for how to deal with them. I tried to break it down into single aspects and as short as possible:

1. He feels lower than ever. I think this is the only reason why he finally got help. He's at the very beginning of therapy tho, so its gonna take months probably until he will start to get better and meanwhile I feel like the problems I have are being ignored. I understand he just cant muster the energy to be caring for me and I try to get out and get care for myself from friends and family (who luckily are extremely helpful and supportive) but I'm going through my own share of problems and the person i love most in this world just isnt there. My sick mum is retiring with no money at all and at 25 and a student with no money myself I have to figure out how to secure her life. I've also had huge health issues caused by birth control pills that I dont take well to at all, and the fact that these issues were caused by something I've been taking for both of us yet his responses to me describing my problems were at best mechanic makes me feel even less cared about. I think the last time he asked me how I am is weeks ago now and I dont even know how to adress the issue.

2. They are talking about putting him on antidepressants. I understand that this can be necessary and a good thing but at the same time I have never heard anything positive about them ever, and again I'd like to talk to him about what this means, yet he completely blocks even hearing me out. He doesnt talk about it at all. I'm especially worried about the medication blunting him out. I know this is a selfish thought but I've repeatedly read and heard how antidepressants can blunt out even romantic feelings and I'm scared once that would happen hed see a long distance relationship as too much of a hassel, loose his feelings for me and break it off. I know this is a very selfish thought, but i just can't help it. I guess I wish he'd at least question the decision a bit and talk to his doctor to make sure there is no alternative for the moment... Antidepressants seem to be too easily described with no fiurther asseesment in my opinion and I guess I wish he'd at least research the thing a bit and make up his own mind about it. Another worry I have is that he is an artist and antidepressants can mess with creativity. But I think if hed run into trouble with his music hed feel even worse as its the only thing holding him together... again something I think hes not even making his doctor aware of and he isnt even aware this can be a side effect. I know this sounds very selfish. But I'm exteremly worried about him and only want the best for him, but I'm also very scared of losing him or changing his mind about us. I wish i could talk to him about this, but a) he doesnt want that talk and b) i dont want to be talking him out of something that potentionally could be good for him either.

3. future worries. He is not going to make his term this year and his finacial funding is likely to stop because of him failing uni due to his depression. His Parents dont know about this. Infact they dont know about any of this, they think hes leading a succesful independent uni life, and even if they did know I am nit sure if they would be any help at all. The worst that can happen is that he will have to move back in with them, which means he probably couldnt rehearse with his band anymore, which again is whats holding him together at the moment. They are rehearsing too far away for him to get there every week without money, and as I said I dont think his parents would help. He is very unlikely to find a job that will sustain him, due to his lack of completed education, the job situation in his country and his state of mind..
This also would mean that we can't see ech other often enough anymore. While I can take over a bigger part of the travel costs for us I cnat take over all of it.
I actually am prety sure that there is some social security help thing he could get, especially now that he is seeing medical help and could get a doctors recommendation but again, he isnt even willing to just THINK about reseraching this.


I try to be there for myself as much as I can and I go out to recharge with friends and all that but I dont know what to do. I feel incredibly lonely in all of this and start to dispair. I love him more than anything in the world and just wnat him to be happy. This might all sound like I am blaming him for making my life hard... I am NOT!!!! but I feel so lost in the middle of this and feel like I cant talk about it to anyone really. I'm the only one that knows about his situation aswell so I cant even share my worry about him. Actually just writing all of this down helped...
sorry for the rant I just dont know what to do

[Miasmata]

I'm on the phone with low battery, so I gotta keep it short for now, but re: meds - They get a very bad rep because people have the exact fears you got, and that's totally understandable; but with the right medication, the good outweighs the bad. You have to remember that behaviour therapy, making meaningful changes in his life, etc. all depend on him being stable enough to invest the effort. When that's not the case, meds are an important support. With depression clouding your mind too hard, you can't successfully fight back. Please, let the professionals look into it. If he trusts therapist, he should give meds a chance, and so should you. He will likely have to try more than one until he finds what works for him, but once he does, the success of therapy and his quality of life are going to improve. Meds aren't a magic fix-all and need to be taken very seriously, but depression is an illness, and like any other illness, medication can be necessary to make it bearable. Don't deny him the chance to find something that works for him.

[ronjaandbirk]

Don't deny him the chance to find something that works for him.

I'm not "denying" him anything!! All you said is one of the exact reasons I havent even brought up the topic yet, all I did when he told me he would be getting them is that I said he should research that. Which is an advice I would give any person being put on any heavier medication btw. Maybe a bit of pre history about me to maybe understand my conspiciousncess about medication being quickly decribed: When I was 4 years old I almost died from falsly decribed medication. I have had serious health issues arising from even "harmless" medication 3 times since then. I know I'm a bit hyper sensitive about the topic since then but I think everyone should research medication so you at least know how to look out for serious side effects that COULD arise.
Parts of my fears about this of course are selfish and I know that and would never say that to him. But I'm also worried about this for his sake.

Has anyone here ever been with someone on anti depressants? did it affect your relationship and how? And how did you deal with it?

[p_b82]

While I have not been with anyone on AD's, my sister has been on them a number of times in her life, and I believe her husband needed a short course of them when they were going to marital problems a few years back.

Medication has brought a few of my friends back on to the straight and narrow, the issue is to make sure that you use them to aid the recovery, not to 'fix' the issues - they do have some nasty side effects, and you might find he takes a while to find some tablets that 'suit' him.

Without coming across as sounding rude, but I probably will, but you have no right to tell him to not take medication that might help with his mental state because you had a bad experience with a doctor making a mistake when you were 4. the two situations are not related at all, and as an adult your BF will have all the information discussed about the medication and it will be his choice if he takes it or not. I am no doctor, but it sounds like he certainly is some-one that would benefit from something stabilising his emotional state - even if it only until the therapy starts to work properly, as he has got lower and lower without any medication, and is therefore apparently not able to sort this out himself.

[ronjaandbirk]

I am really not telling him to do, or not to do, anything!!!! i'm worried about the issue, that doesnt mean I'm not insightful enough and try to talk him out of it or even advise against that. I at MAX would advise him to get educated about antidepressants before he takes them. From the very short talk we had about them it became clear he doenst even know how they work or that they can have bad side effects. Maybe you are supposed to get educated by your doctor about medication but in my expereince with doctors both in his and in my country is that in reality it rarely works that way.
I never said I am per se against him taking them in any of my posts either! I even pointed out that while it worries me, I dont want to talk to him about it because I am worried about talking him out of something that can be good for him. I'm aware it could be good for him, it just worries the crap out of me. But hey, I guess I have no right to worry about anything that could affect us, and me too, because having a depressed boyfriend obviously means I ddont have a right to my own feelings anymore.

[whatruckus]

But hey, I guess I have no right to worry about anything that could affect us, and me too, because having a depressed boyfriend obviously means I ddont have a right to my own feelings anymore.

Quite frankly, I don't appreciate this sarcastic tone you have right here. We are trying to give you advice. While we understand your concerns about Anti-Depressants, and things that may have happened to you in the past that make you wary about prescribed medications...this is his life. Just because you have heard, and maybe read, only "bad" things about anti-depressants doesn't mean that they won't work for him. I highly doubt that everything you've read and heard about them is bad. I've heard both sides. Some of my friends have been on them for years, and they're fine. In fact, it helped them mellow out and function as they should be. For some, they didn't work, so they got off of them and just did therapy. It works for some and not for others, just like any type of medication. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but don't let your experiences put a negative effect on him.

My SO needs to either be on medication, therapy, or both to help his anxiety, PTSD, stress, and depression. Even though I would worry about the negative effects of them on him as well, the most important thing is for him to be on track and be happy, so I'd rather he try them. The possible benefits at this point outweigh the negatives. Even I need to be on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds.

Also, while it's good you told him to research it, I wouldn't push it farther than that and stop bringing it up to him. Obviously, it's a sensitive topic for him and I feel that you pushing him to do research about it isn't helping, it may even cause him to resent you, or him to be annoyed by you. Even if a doctor did explain the drugs to him, he may not have fully understood, and even if he does the research himself, he still might not fully understand. They're complex medications.

Even if he does go on the meds and you find that it is starting to have a negative impact on him, you need to realize that most people need a few MONTHS to become adjusted to medication. Don't freak out and swear off those types of medications if this happens, and tell him he needs to stop taking them. If it doesn't help him after at least 6 months (yes, it can takes this long for his body to adjust), then he'd more than likely need to be switched to different medications, or different dosages. Like I said, everyone is different.

It's pretty hard being with someone who has this illness. The most you can do is just try to be there for them and not push them to do anything.

[p_b82]

I am really not telling him to do, or not to do, anything!!!! i'm worried about the issue, that doesnt mean I'm not insightful enough and try to talk him out of it or even advise against that. I at MAX would advise him to get educated about antidepressants before he takes them. From the very short talk we had about them it became clear he doenst even know how they work or that they can have bad side effects. Maybe you are supposed to get educated by your doctor about medication but in my expereince with doctors both in his and in my country is that in reality it rarely works that way.
I never said I am per se against him taking them in any of my posts either! I even pointed out that while it worries me, I dont want to talk to him about it because I am worried about talking him out of something that can be good for him. I'm aware it could be good for him, it just worries the crap out of me. But hey, I guess I have no right to worry about anything that could affect us, and me too, because having a depressed boyfriend obviously means I ddont have a right to my own feelings anymore.

Whil ei never said you don't have to have your own feelings, and I understand that you are worried about your relationship, but his illness goes to an extend beyond what you think and feel on a personal level. He cannot help how he is right now and while it sucks, if you need more from the relationship than he can give then you are going to have to think long and hard about things. I am not saying give up on him; but what if he doesn't get better, or he decides to not take the meds, and stays as he is now?

Dr's tend to only tell you what you ask in my experience, and if you do not ask the questions then they will just tell you to read the small print of the meds....

And sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote, that was not how what you said came across to me, as I felt there was a different message being said to the one that was actually written - eg you are anti medication regardless of what it is.....

[ronjaandbirk]

Quite frankly, I don't appreciate this sarcastic tone you have right here. We are trying to give you advice.

You are right, and I am sorry. I apologise for not being appreciative of everyone's words and came across this harsh.
I have to say tho, I guess I wasnt prepared for people almost shaming me for potentionally doing something I did NOT even plan to do. I would never try and talk my boyfriend out of anything potentionally good for him. It also was just one of several worries I voiced, and I even pointed out that I knew it was selfish. I was blaming myself for it enough already.
I came here in the midst of a generally tough life situation to talk about some worries I had that for various reasons I cant talk about to anyone else. I guess I just hoped for some understanding.

I've heard so many times that people out of the blue broke up with their SO without any reason, because antidepressants blunted their feelings. I dont know how to not be scared about this. I think aynone on here understands the feeling of being afarid of losing their SOs. I can't bear the thought of living without him. And it might be an irrational fear or a selfish thing to think about, but I am going through alot already, and as some of you have recognized, it is really hard to be in a relationship with someone depressed. Doing it long distance is possibly even harder, and doing it inbetween a ton of other worries might just be the icing on the shit cake.

Again, I'm sorry for taking things wrong.

[whatruckus]

You are right, and I am sorry. I apologise for not being appreciative of everyone's words and came across this harsh.
I have to say tho, I guess I wasnt prepared for people almost shaming me for potentionally doing something I did NOT even plan to do. I would never try and talk my boyfriend out of anything potentionally good for him. It also was just one of several worries I voiced, and I even pointed out that I knew it was selfish. I was blaming myself for it enough already.
I came here in the midst of a generally tough life situation to talk about some worries I had that for various reasons I cant talk about to anyone else. I guess I just hoped for some understanding.

I've heard so many times that people out of the blue broke up with their SO without any reason, because antidepressants blunted their feelings. I dont know how to not be scared about this. I think aynone on here understands the feeling of being afarid of losing their SOs. I can't bear the thought of living without him. And it might be an irrational fear or a selfish thing to think about, but I am going through alot already, and as some of you have recognized, it is really hard to be in a relationship with someone depressed. Doing it long distance is possibly even harder, and doing it inbetween a ton of other worries might just be the icing on the shit cake.

Again, I'm sorry for taking things wrong.

Most of the time, it's not for nothing. Even in relationships where the people aren't on medications, they can break up with their SO for what seems like nothing. Usually there's some underlying issue that was never talked about, brought up, or maybe never resolved that ends up being the make-or-break for some. Yes, maybe, sometimes the medications may enhance these thoughts, but as I said...there's always a reason. Try not to worry about this too much, because it could cloud your SO's judgement on receiving the help he needs if he's also afraid. You know what I mean?

[p_b82]

You don't have to be battling with some-one with depression to have all those fears you are listing, hell, you can be the one that is depressed and have all those things too - and as whatrukus says sometimes things can just end. I know this the hard way twice. It is not that often we are 'lucky' enough to find out the real reasons for a relationship breaking up, I have to say I have been 'lucky' both times though in that in one case it was something that simmered for 2 years, in another I worked it out only after the fact - and due to what was said to me after the breakup.

I do also understand what it is like to do through that sort of a period with a lot on your plate mentally, when I was going out with my ex I had to try to deal with (and failed as it turned out): the distance of the LDR, my GF who was becoming slowly more distant, my dad with 3 forms of cancer, my ex's dad dying of terminal cancer, my parents nearly splitting up - they just had their 40th wedding anniversary last month so this was a *big* deal, issues with my job, my own mental unease, my sister & husband having a rough patch again, as well as all the 'anthill' of working out how to relocate over to the other side of the world, and what to do with all my possessions etc.

I think from what you have written, your ex will benefit from the medication, but unless he actually feels he does not want the relationship anymore, then I think you should stop fretting too much about it. I have known a number of couples on AD's who have made it through the other side - so I think you are working yourself up a bit over this personally. So take a deep breath, and focus on the things you can control only

[Miasmata]

Also, don't forget: The depression has already changed him. Avoiding meds doesn't mean it'll help preserving him as is, the depression has already distorted his life and personality in bad ways. Worrying about the meds doing that is worrying about the wrong side of the problem.

It's understandable you are worried. None of us come here to beat you down. It's a complex issue, and one you should definitely take seriously, but you also need to recognize that you have some very unhealthy and biased views regarding antidepressants. They get a bad rep, as said, because they are only slowly gaining acceptance, and they are absolutely nothing to toy around with, but they are also not by far the horrible life ruiners they can be painted as.

Most of the time, what happens is that you try a med, it doesn't quite help or has unacceptable side effects (drowsiness and anxiety are among the most common), so you try a different one, and you eventually find one that eases your mind and gives you more mental strength to handle your life again. With professional supervision and therapy, it's still a rather tedious process, but it's safe and often eventually helpful. Especially clinical depression can't just be whisked away with positive thinking - My SO has a serotonin defiency, so simply put, his brain doesn't produce enough positive hormones to keep his brain chemistry balanced, which resulted in horrible depressive episodes, down to suicidal behaviour. It took him a few tries to find the right therapist and medication, but when he did, it literally saved his life. He wouldn't have been able to maintain friendships, let alone a romantic relationship without the treatment, and he wouldn't have been able to finish university. His efforts and behaviour therapy were still just as important as the meds, maybe even more so, but without the meds, he wouldn't have had the mental capability to make those changes in the first place.

I honestly recommend that you inform yourself about medication, how it works and how it can help, and also look up resources for partners/friends of depression patients. Knowledge is the best weapon against fears, and you deserve to feel more confident and relaxed about your SO's issues. It's a tough situation for everyone involved, so don't be afraid to seek out means to feel more calm about it all.

[ronjaandbirk]

thank you all for your input. I'm trying to calm down and stress less about the future.. tough but hey, I am trying at least. :P
I did actually read loads of both and good and bad opinions, articles, etc about antidepressants now. I do understand they are good for some people but I just can't bring myself to be trusting about them... medical paranoia I suppose. However they are putting him through all kinds of blood test and stuff now, because theres a chance of him mainly being depressed due to lack of sleep , which could be caused by a lacking hormone or something like that... or alcohol abuse or anything. what do I know. So theres still a good chance its going to be mere councelling and sleeping thrapy rather than antidepressants so I'm trying not to stress and cross that bridge when we come to it.

Our relationship is great otherwise. I'm not generally thinking he would leave me. He is trying INCREDIBLY hard to be there for me despite everything and is being an awfully amazing boyfriend considering the circumstances. I just know that he really hates being in a long distance relationship. he only does it because he loves me very much. I guess I think if he for some reason just feels a little bit less, hes going to stop putting up with it... especially its not going to get even harder the upcoming 12 months due to financial and work schedule situations. but I also know this is me having irrational big fears of abandonment. Maybe I should seek therapy too D:

Anyway, I'm overall a bit more positive now, so thank you all