Very very sad

[farandaway]

My SO has spent over 2 weeks with his ill parents and they really need him so he is planning to move back to his hometown on the other side of the US, further away from me. He plans to either move there completely or divide his time between two places. He thinks minimum six months. I don't know what this means for us. I'm just so sad. His parents are not in the condition of any extra stress. They do not know about me. I don't know if we can still see each other. He has been so busy looking for a nursery home for one parent and running to the doctor with other. He has a small family and no one is interested in helping so he needs to and wants to do it. This makes me so very sad because it means we can't really plan our future. I don't know why everything has to be so hard for us.

[TwoThree]

Honestly, I think you are wasting your time with this guy. I mean good for him, being a responsible parent to his not-child, and being a good son to his ailing parents, but all this means you are very low on his priority list. You don't seem to have a place in his long-term projects. He still hasn't started divorce proceedings, right? I don't think you're gaining anything by staying with him, unless visiting twice a year and not having any plans to close the distance is precisely what you were going for.

Sorry for being blunt. It's just how things seem to an outsider (me)

[Honour]

I'm at odds with some of what TwoThree said, but I sorta agree. Don't you think it's rather unfair of him to not include you in his long term plans? Then again, his mind is probably thoroughly occupied right now; he might be trying to do the best he can given the situation he's in, and whilst he loves you, his family's needs has to come first? I'm not sure, I just know I wouldn't exactly be happy if this was me.

[farandaway]

I guess it seems that way then. You only know half the story so it's easy to give comments like that. I'm not happy about it but I know it's not exactly an easy situation for him.

[Honour]

I guess it seems that way then. You only know half the story so it's easy to give comments like that. I'm not happy about it but I know it's not exactly an easy situation for him.

Only knowing a small amount of details gives us very little to go by; it's hard to give advice in this case.

[TwoThree]

I guess it seems that way then. You only know half the story so it's easy to give comments like that.

Welcome to the internet.

[Moon]

I guess it seems that way then. You only know half the story so it's easy to give comments like that. I'm not happy about it but I know it's not exactly an easy situation for him.

I'm sure it isn't, but it's not easy (or good) for you, either. I'm just wondering how long you can realistically do this? Is it really worth it? Life is short, you deserve to be happy and have your needs met, and while I do only know half the story, you certainly don't seem happy or satisfied. I think you need to really ask yourself how long you're willing to wait for him to start his divorce at least. Being a divorced person, I know it isn't easy, but sitting around alone, not knowing anything, and being a secret, is even harder. Love really doesn't conquer all, and what use is love if you're miserable? Per your profile, you're three years into this, how much more time and heartache are you willing to suffer through? There are men out there that would be happy to make you a priority, why be with someone who can't / won't?

[differentcountries]

Your SO is not the only one with an angry ex and sick parents. But he expects you to lay low and you are not comfortable because you know it could be different. I dont think your SO is mean, but your stories about him here shows that he doesn't have it in his life to make room for you. It has already been a long time. You are expected to have the patience of a wife (or a saint) , but you are not even his public girlfriend. You risk getting very, very angry in this relationship. If you seriously think that at one point, in a forseable time, you will be rewarded and you will get to stand first /second in his line, by all means make sure he has it easier, be the cooling cloth on his forhead.

[Callisto]

I'm sorry to hear that about your SO.

I know it's hard. I see you guys have been together for nearly three years now. I'm frankly astonished that he hasn't told his parents about you yet. I think it would work better, with him taking care of them, if they knew about you and about how much you and your SO love each other.

But I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on going. It will be hard, but you've been with him for so long, so you two hopefully love each other enough to work through this, right? It will all work out. It'll be harder, of course, with the time difference being bigger than usual, but it's gonna be okay. You guys will make this work.

I hope you'll update with more information. Hopefully something good will come out of this?

[farandaway]

In his state you need to be separated for 6 months to go forward with the divorce. That will be by the end of January. His Dad is not comprehending everything any more. He has terminal cancer and now unexpectedly had pneumonia and got really bad. SO is helping to find a nursing home for him. He was only supposed to visit for a week but getting sick changed everything. He asked me if he should move there temporarily and if I would spend summer with him there. I'll consider that if his divorce is through and his family can finally know about me. He accepts that. From the 3 years we've known each other I've been free the last 1,5 years. I'm still in the middle dividing possessions with my ex. Some things move slowly when we have others to worry about. Kids come first for both of us and parents are very important. It's tough but we're very committed. Love does not conquer it all but I know we have a future together. It's a rocky road to get there but I'm not giving up.

[differentcountries]

If he moves to his parents, will he not be far away from his kid?

[farandaway]

Kid's mom is moving him overseas. It's her kid and he has no say on that.

[differentcountries]

Kid's mom is moving him overseas. It's her kid and he has no say on that.

So he has given up about the custody now?

[farandaway]

He wanted coparenting but son is not biologically or legally his.

[farandaway]

There are so many moving parts in our relationship. I don't have many friends to share my thoughts with and that's why I'm writing here. I can take every opinion but please don't hammer me down when I'm sad already.

He has decided to cut east coast off the equation. That's where he lived until now. He is going back and getting ready to move back west to his parents. We will have further distance to see each other but it doesn't really make a difference, it only means a few more hours to travel. The situation is more stable now and he has more time so we have talked. He wants me to be there for the summer and my condition is his divorce has to be 100% clear. I won't book tickets otherwise. He also wants to go through quickly because if it happened that he lost both of his parents, his soon ex would be wanting her share.

I feel a little better now. When his divorce is clear we can have a "normal" LDR. It's a long time to wait until summer and I hope we can see each other before that. But knowing that we have a long term plan that brings us together makes all the difference. Even if a lot of things are open, him and I are decided. For sure.